Flight to Alaska
by BEM96
Summary: Deanna takes a step back to get some perspective on a troubled relationship. It is all done, finished and completed in its completely imperfect form. Thank you all for your wonderful feedback and please! please! please! tell me what you thought of the end
1. Chapter 1

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek TNG - I am simply exploring some of the characters. Just for fun.

Captain Picard anxiously waited in the transporter room until the beam had completely disapaited and his former ships counselor

Captain Picard anxiously waited in the transporter room until the beam had completely dissipated and his former ships counselor stood before him. It had been three years since she had served under his command. She looked exhausted and thinner than she had the last time that he had seen her. Still it was good to have her on board.

"Deanna," he offered his hand to help her from the pad.

She gladly took it and without a second thought, threw her arms around the neck of her former captain. She had thought it would be easier to face him, but she couldn't trust her voice not to betray her emotion, so she kept silent, her head resting on his shoulder, still clinging to him.

The transporter chief looked puzzled. He had not served aboard the Enterprise when the former first officer and ships counselor had been married, but he had heard enough to know that this was another man's wife being held tightly by her former commanding officer.

The captain stiffened out of habit when Deanna had embraced him, but relaxed and embraced her in return when he could feel the slight tremble in her body. Suddenly he remembered that they were being watched and pulled away slightly. With a slight jerk of his head he dismissed the transporter chief, who tried to hide the surprise on his face at being told to leave the two of them alone. Once they were alone in the transporter room, Jean Luc lifted Deanna's head off his shoulder by placing a finger under her chin. "Deanna," he spoke softly. "Are you alright?"

She nodded and tried to smile, but it faltered and her lip began to quiver. She sat down on the edge of the transporter pad and buried her face in her hands to hide the tear she felt slipping down her cheek. "I'm sorry Captain. I don't know what's wrong with me." Her words were muffled as she spoke through her hands.

He crouched down to be at her eye level and pulled her hands away. He decided that a more formal manner might help her gain her composure. Yet, she was his friend, even more than that, she was one of the closest things to family that he had and he desperately wanted to comfort her. "Counselor, Deanna. It is good to have you aboard."

This time her smile was more genuine. "Thank you Capitan. I am glad to be here. It will be good to have some familiar faces," she took a deep breath and sighed. "I'm sorry. I will try to limit my break downs to moments of privacy," she said glancing at the door, where undoubtedly the transporter chief stood on the other side. She stood up, straitened her simple black dress, tucked one curl that had escaped her simple ponytail behind her ear and took a deep breath. "So why is the Enterprise heading to Earth?" she asked.

"Oh," the captain stood next to her, amazed at how well she covered her emotions most of the time. It had always been an irony to him that while she encouraged others to find their emotions, she kept her own under lock and key. He remembered many years ago as he recovered from the attack by the Borg that he had told her that very thing as she tried to counsel him. She wanted him to open up and she had agreed to a tit for tat exchange of feelings about what it felt like to be assimilated, to fire at your own ship, and then in return, she told him what it felt like to see a man you trusted turned into something completely unrecognizable and how she wondered if any of them would live through it. She had been his rock those few months. He had told her things that no one else knew.

He had cried in her arms, more than once, and here she stood, her large dark eyes staring at him, looking somehow smaller and more vulnerable than he liked.

He had been silent for quite a few seconds, seeming to be assessing her. Deanna could feel his conflicted emotions. They seemed to be almost as jumbled as her own. There was sorrow at the situation, and some happiness or relief at least that she was on board, but there were sharper emotions that he was trying to hold back, and yet they rang through the most clearly. Anger and Disappointment.

"Capitan."

Jean Luc was pulled from his memories, "Retrofit of the engines and a new warp core. We have been putting it off for about 6 months now, and it was just time. Of course when we got the message…" he quickly cut himself off before saying "from Will", he tried to recover quickly but he could see the flicker of pain in her eyes as if he hadn't stopped. "Well, the timing seems to have worked out for everyone."

"I'm sorry Captain." Deanna had lowered her eyes and was fiddling with the ring on her finger.

She was wearing her wedding ring, he thought, maybe that was a good sign. "You have nothing to be sorry for, Deanna. You are always welcome here, and I am not your Capitan. I am your friend and I would like to be here for you, if you need one." He paused and tried to assess her reaction. "We all need people sometimes, Deanna. And there are more than a few people on board who could return the favor of your listening ear."

"Oh, Capitan. How many people already know?"

"No one, as far as I know. I know only what I have been told…" he stopped himself again, but she clearly knew that the end of the sentence was "by Will." Why was it that he could not seem to use her husband's name?

"You must think I am a horrible person." She again lowered her eyes to fiddle with her ring. It seemed to be a nervous habit for her.

"Why would I think that?" he asked shocked.

"Capitan, you may have forgotten in the last few years, but I am an empath. I know that you are disappointed in me."

Jean Luc sighed and put his hand on her shoulder. "Deanna, you are like family to me." He hesitated again, but ignoring him would be like ignoring an elephant in the room. "You and Will both. And you are both hurting, and I am unhappy about that, of course I am. I am disappointed in choices that Will made, that those choices hurt you. I am saddened that you feel the need to put this distance between the two of you. But I am glad that we are here, that you don't have to be alone. You have friends here, Deanna."

She nodded and seemed to struggle again to fight back the tears that were welling her eyes. "It was more than one choice," she said almost defencivly. "It wasn't that simple. I guess nothing ever is. The last year has been really hard for both of us. He has been so busy and things were changing so fast and we," she lost the battle as the tears slid down her cheeks. "We wanted to have a baby." She furiously wiped the tears away. "It wasn't just one choice that he made. It was a lot of things leading up to it. If it were just him, my decision would be easier."

The captain stepped closer to her and she put her head against his shoulder and chest. "May I ask you a question?" he asked softly.

She nodded.

"Why Earth? I would have thought that you would go to Betazed."

"I can't deal with my mother right now. This is hard enough without my mother…" for a moment both of them thought of what Luaxanna's reaction would be. Would she say _I told you he was no good for you, but you never listen_, or would she forbid Deanna to go back to him? Would she insist on some sort of political or disciplinary action for her daughter's pain?

Jean Luc could see Deanna's point. "Where will you go?"

Deanna pulled away and wiped her eyes and composed herself again, straightening her hair and dress. "Earth was Will's idea. He still has the house in Alaska. It is quiet and secluded. I can think there. I just need to think." She nodded as if agreeing with herself.

"It will take us a week to get there." Jean Luc told her, picking up the bag that had been left on the transporter pad. "So lets get you comfortable. By the end of the day, I would imagine that you would have some visitors." Jean Luc motioned to the door and Deanna led the way out of the transporter room.

"How is Alexander?" Deanna asked. "And Worf? Alexander was never happy on the home world. Is he happier now?"

"I would say that he is adjusting well."

"And Worf?"

"It was a sacrifice for him. But I think he also has friends here to make it easier for him."

"I thought he would go back to DS9." Deanna seemed to relax as she turned her attention to others.

"Too many memories." The captain sighed.

The transporter chief nodded to the captain as he passed and he reentered his post. Once they were out of his sight and alone in the corridor, Deanna leaned over and placed a kiss on Jean Luc's cheek. "Thank you, Jean Luc." she said softly.

He smiled and nodded slightly and continued down the corridor with his hand on her back.


	2. Chapter 2

Deanna paced in her assigned quarters

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek TNG- or anything else for that matter. And while I am at it, I am picking and choosing which parts of Nemesis I liked (the wedding) and leaving out the parts that I thought were awful (Beverly leaving, Data dying) It is my world now, so that just didn't happen.

Deanna paced in her assigned quarters. She had unpacked, adjusted the environmental controls, and then switched them back. She had thought briefly about taking a walk, maybe heading to ten forward and getting something to eat, but facing the crew that she would inevitably run into on the way made her decide to stay put, so she had replicated herself a lunch, which she picked at for over an hour, but ate very little. She knew what she should be doing but couldn't quite make herself. She should send Will a communiqué letting him know that she was safely aboard the Enterprise, but somehow sending a message that said "I'm here" seemed almost as cold as not sending one at all.

Even with things as awful as they were when she had left the Titan just over a day ago, she knew that Will was not comfortable with the idea of her traveling alone on a Ullian freighter, even if it were only for 26 hours. But she hadn't given him a lot of choice. She was fuming around their quarters throwing things in a travel case, her voice just shy of screaming, telling him that she was leaving. Whether is was by transporter or shuttle or torpedo tube, she didn't care but she had to get the hell off that ship. It had been four days of not talking, or him sleeping in his ready room, and when they were together, icy silence. Once the initial fight was out, there just didn't seem to be anything left to say. He had told her that he would do whatever she wanted him to. Did she want a public apology? Did she want to keep it private? Did she want to write him up for being an ass…but she had stared coldly past him, her eyes boring into the wall of their quarters…

"I want you to get out," was all she has said. She had not even looked at him.

"Deanna," he had taken a step towards her and she had instinctively stepped back, her legs coming in contact with the couch behind her. Only then did her eyes meet his. There was not the slightest sign of the tears he expected.

"Now." Her voice was firm but devoid of emotion and her eyes were cold. Her arms were folded across her chest and her face held no expression at all.

Will had stared at her for only a moment more. Then any hope he had left in his face fell and he nodded, looking at the floor. He was the one holding back tears.

Deanna seemed to loose the ability to stand and sank down to the couch, taking a throw pillow and hugging it to her body that was now turned mostly away from him. Again, she was motionless and expressionless.

Will reached out as if to touch her arm and again she flinched and shrunk away from his touch. "Dea, I want,"

But Deanna interrupted him with her monotone voice not much more than a whisper. "Just get out." It was the last thing she had said to him for more than four days.

It hadn't taken long for the gossip to begin, for conversations to abruptly stop when she entered a room, or for the crewmembers passing her in the corridors to give her a look of sympathy, most of them at least. One or two just shook their heads, and others tried to show no emotion at all. Perhaps those crew members had not yet figures out that their ships counselor was empathic and could sense their emotions of idle curiosity. She knew that she had reached the pinnacle of ships gossip when that afternoon she had entered the forward lounge to have a drink, mostly to avoid her horribly silent quarters, only to have the entire room fall silent the moment they saw her. Several people's eyes were darting between Deanna in the aft door and the windows to her left. When she followed their gaze she found that not only did the crew know that she and their captain were having a serious marital problem, but they also knew the most readily assessable cause. Standing in the window was a very pretty, very thin, blond Lieutenant Commander that had come aboard as the Titan's chief engineer about 9 months before. Linsy McKenna was gazing out the window. The lack of noise must have caught her attention.

Lt. Commander McKenna turned and the two women made eye contact. Linsy did not look away or seem in any way to shy away from the view of her captain's wife. Instead she picked up her glass and headed towards Deanna. The collective room held their breath as Commander McKenna passed Deanna, pausing, looking Deanna in the eye and only nodding slightly with a quick, "Ma'am" as she passed and walked to the bar to get another drink. She did not seem phased by any of it. She had to know that everyone in that room's eyes were on the two of them. Deanna felt waves of anger and suddenly weak. She wanted to sit down, but not here. But her mind was screaming that she would not leave! This was her ship! He was her husband! She would not be the one to leave! But her mind and her legs were apparently not communicating. Before she recognized what she was doing, she had turned and was walking out of the room and down the corridor. By the time she reached her own quarters she was screaming in her mind and she felt as if she was going to be ill.

What she hadn't seen in the forward lounge was that in the other doorway stood John Knox, the first officer, husband of the chief medical officer, and half of the couple that had come to be Will and Deanna's closest friends aboard the Titan. John left shortly after Deanna, first thinking that he could catch her but deciding against it and instead headed to the bridge to find the captain.

After several minutes of pacing like a caged animal in her quarters Deanna could no longer contain the feeling to run away, run away from everything. She activated her computer and started looking for the nearest planet, ship, anywhere but where she was. After a minute or so of scanning she recognized the call sign of a ship about a day away. A ship she knew, a ship that felt like home. It was the Enterprise E. For the first time in a month, she felt like she knew what she was doing. She was getting off the Titan whatever it took. If she could get to the Enterprise, she could regroup, put her life back together, and maybe find a way to breath again.

When Will walked in several minutes later he found his wife ripping apart her closet, shoving clothes into a travel case, grabbing things at what seemed like random.

He stood in the front room watching her, but she did not even look over at him. He took another few steps and hovered in the doorway to their bedroom, but still she did not acknowledge his presents.

"Deanna," he began, but he got no reaction. "Talk to me. Tell me what happened. Tell me what you want me to do." She was almost frantic and still was not looking at him. He reached out and took her upper arm in his hand and turned her towards him.

Without a thought, Deanna reached her free hand up and slapped him across the face while she pulled her left arm out of his grasp. The both gasped from surprise. Will, put his hand up to his cheek, more out of shock than pain and Deanna stepped a couple of steps back from her husband.

"Oh, Gods Will," she gasped as she stared at her husband. "What happened?"

"John said that you were in the forward lounge,"

"Not that!" Deanna started to yell. "This!" she frantically motioned between the two of them. "How did we get here? How did we get to this place? Where I slap my husband? Where you sleep in your ready room or God knows where else! I can't do this Will, I can't. Not with a thousand people watching and talking about everything that I do. Who am I supposed to talk to Will? Who? You? The ship's counselor? Oh, wait, that's me. So who _am I_ supposed to confide in?"

"You have friends," Will told her, still keeping his distance.

"No, I don't. I have your officers."

"Jen,"

"Your first officer's wife."

"There are about a thousand people aboard, Deanna. I don't know what to say. The crew adores you."

"Linsy McKenna…. Does she adore me?"

Will stood with his hands to his sides looking desperately at his wife. "It is my fault, Deanna. I let it happen. I didn't stop it, until…until it was too late. Dea, I lo…." Will had started to step towards her.

"Don't!" she interrupted him

He stepped back again and raised his hands up above his waist in a gesture of surrender. "Don't what?"

"Don't say that."

"What?"

"That you love me. You aren't even sure you believe it."

"That is not true. Deanna,"

"I can't be here Will. I can't stay here. I have to get off this ship. I can't breath here."

"Okay, let's talk about it."

"No! I don't want to talk about it. I want to leave. I AM leaving. Now! Tonight! I am getting off this ship. I am taking a deep breath and I am figuring what the hell I am doing with my life." With that she turned back to packing her bag.

"Where are you going?" he asked softly.

She didn't want to tell him where she was running off to. And she knew she couldn't just hide out on the Enterprise. The gossip would only follow her.

"I don't know." She stopped, facing the closet, with her back to Will. "The Enterprise is only a day or so away. If I can get to the Enterprise, I could get to…"

"To where Deanna? Where is the Enterprise going? Do you know?" She shrugged her shoulders. Her plan was suddenly falling apart. "How are you going to get to the Enterprise?"

"There is a Ullian freighter about an hour from us, they are headed in the direction of the Enterprise."

"Hell NO!"

She spun on her heals to face Will. "Are you pulling rank, Capitan?"

"No, Deanna, I'm pulling…"

"I'm leaving Will. I can't stay here with you, with her, with all of this. I am leaving. I don't care if you transport me off or you give me a shuttle, or if you stick me in a torpedo tube! I AM leaving!"

"I won't try and stop you, Deanna. I won't. But can I at least make sure that you are safe doing it?"

She did not respond. She stood there with her eyes closed. He could see her body was slightly trembling.

He moved out of the room to his desk and accessed his computer terminal. After a minute or so, he came back into the bedroom and found his wife trembling rocking back and forth on the edge of the bed. What had he done? He wanted to scoop her into his arms and comfort her. But that is not what she wanted. What she wanted was to leave, and what she wanted at this moment was far more important to him than what would make him feel better. He had done far too much of worrying about how he felt already.

"Where do you want to go Deanna? Do you want to go home? Do you want to go to Batezed?"

Her first reaction was yes, that is where she would be able to figure it all out, but then she realized that with Batezed came people, not the least of which would be her mother, who would know immediately what had happened in her life, that she was a failure, as a counselor, and as a wife. "No," she said slowly. "Not there. I can't go there."

"If I had an idea, would you hear me out?" He slowly knelt down in front of his wife. Cautiously he reached out and put his hands over hers in her lap. He thought she would pull away, but she didn't. It was the most physically close they had been in at least a month. Just being near to her made chills run through his body.

Almost indistinguishably she nodded yes.

"The Enterprise is headed to Earth, Deanna. They will be there for at least three weeks. Deanna, if I could get you to the Enterprise, you could go with them to Earth. You could go to Alaska. The house is there, no one uses it. You could go to Turner. It is quiet, you could think, you could do whatever you want. It is just minutes to Valdez. And you could be to San Francisco in less than half an hour. Deanna, you would be as alone as you want to be. But I would know that you would be safe. Dea…It is better than taking off to Tokrell 5 or something. Dea…" he reached up and brushed a loose hair out of her face. That was too much. She pulled away from him.

"I can take the freighter?"

"No, Dea. I will send you in a shuttle."

"I'm not a good pilot, Will."

"I will send a pilot with you. Then I know you are there safely."

Deanna stood up and walked to the other side of the bedroom. "No, Will, No. I will not run away and have a witness to come back here and add fuel to the gossip fire. No."

"I could send John with you. He's the best pilot on board."

"Will, tomorrow is Samantha's first birthday. You will not ask your first officer to miss his daughter's first birthday over this. No."

Will shook his head. He hadn't thought of that. He did not want her alone on that freighter. "I don't want you on that freighter," he repeated out loud to her.

"It is my decision. You owe me this, Will. I need to get off this ship, away from this, away from…" she let the sentence die in her throat.

"Me."

Deanna's eyes were on the floor and she nodded. The words sounded cruel, but that was not her intention. She just HAD to go. "_You_ are the best pilot on board." It was the best that she could do to take the edge off of what she had just admitted to her husband.

Will gave an almost chuckle, but it was momentary. "Would you let me take you?" Deanna shook her head. "I kind of figured." He sighed. "I will make the arrangements," he said and stood up and walked out.

Once he was gone Deanna sat down on the bed and really thought about what was happening. She could almost feel the freedom of leaving the Titan. This was good. This was what she wanted.

She quickly finished packing and headed out of her quarters towards sickbay, traveling the corridors where she was likely to encounter the fewest crewmembers. When she entered, she saw the chief medical officer sealing up a cut in the main bay. Deanna did not want to talk to anyone else and Jenny didn't look like she would be too long, so Deanna slipped into her office and waited. She had successfully avoided all the senior staff until today, including her friend and doctor. Over the past few days as she sifted through paperwork she had thought more than once about what her friend had known about the budding relationship between Deanna's husband and the chief engineer. Certainly John had known, how could he not? He was Will's first officer and closest friend. And Jenny was John's wife. If John knew, would he have kept it from Jenny? But there had been no word to Deanna, no warning. How many of the senior staff had seen this coming? It was easier to avoid them all. Maybe if she had still been a part of the senior staff she would not have needed a warning from her friends. Maybe if her head had been a little more clear, less clouded with medications, and more able to read others emotions and focus on her job, maybe she could have seen that the new chief engineer had set her sights on the captain the moment that she arrived on board. Or maybe it wouldn't have changed anything.

"Deanna!" Jenny exclaimed when she entered her office and saw Deanna sitting there, lost in her own thoughts.

Deanna stood up and tried to smile at her friend, but it did not seem to come out right.

"Oh, Deanna!" Jenny's voice was a determined whisper as she threw her arms around her friend and continued their hushed conversation. "I'm sorry. I am so sorry. Dea, We tried. I tried, John tried. I swear to God he did, Dea. He would have transferred her if he could have found a way to do it without getting Will involved. And when it all hit the fan, oh God, Dea. It was like you were hiding. I didn't know what to do."

"I know." Deanna said pulling away from her friend. Her anger was so close to the surface suddenly. "I am sure you did everything that you could do." _Everything but tell me that you think my husband is having an affair, _she thought. She could feel the guilt coming from her friend and she knew that she should not be attacking her, but she almost couldn't help herself. "This isn't why I'm here." Deanna told her.

Jenny could hear the distance in Deanna's voice. Clearly she did not come to see her friend, she came to see her doctor. So that is the person Jenny would be. "Okay, what can I do for you?"

"I'm leaving."

"What?" Jenny gasped. "You can't be serious. Deanna, this is not _that_ bad."

"Jenny, the decision has been made."

"Does Will know?"

"He is making the arrangements right now."

Jenny's face fell. "You're kidding." But Deanna shook her head. "Is this what he wants?" _If it was, she was going to have to poison the man_. _What was he thinking?_

"I didn't ask his permission, and he isn't trying to stop me."

"What can I do?" Her mind was clearly made up; all she could do was offer her whatever help she needed.

"I need my medication. Not that I _need_ it really, but when we talked about stopping the treatments before, you said it would make it worse to stop cold. So I need to know what I need to take and for how long."

"How long will you be gone?" Jenny asked. Deanna just shrugged her shoulders. She really didn't know. "Well I can put you on a weaning schedule. That would probably be best. It will be gradual over three weeks or so. Will you have another doctor that you can see?"

Deanna put her head in her hands. "Oh, Jen. I don't want to talk to another doctor about this. Can't you just give me what I need?"

Jenny nodded. "When do you leave?"

"In about an hour, I hope."

"An hour!" Jenny sat half on her desk, her professional demeanor gone. "You will miss Sam's birthday." Her daughter would be turning one the next day and her closest friend would not be there to celebrate.

"I know. I'm sorry. I have her present, I am sure Will will bring it. Give her a kiss for me, okay?"

Jenny gave her a weak smile. "If I am going to get these drugs mixed up, I need to start. I will bring them by your quarters as soon as they are ready." She started to walk out but turned to her friend again. "Is Will going to be there when I bring them?"

"I don't know. I don't know what Will does." Deanna shook her head at the irony of her statement. "Obviously," she added throwing her hands in the air.

"Well, just in case, I had better do this now then." Jenny crushed her friend in a fierce hug and began to whisper as she had before. " I wouldn't trust myself to say this with him within ear shot. I know he is my captain, but you are my friend. You don't deserve this Dea, no matter what. I don't know what else to say," She paused. "Just please let me know that you are alright, okay? I won't tell him I talked to you if you don't want me to and neither will John, I swear. Just know that we love you and I will do my best to not mouth off to him and get court-martialed, so I am here when you get back. Okay?"

"Okay," Deanna repeated. And with that her friend disappeared into the lab wiping tears from her eyes, and Deanna headed back to her quarters.

Will wasn't more than a few minutes behind her, but he stopped short when the doors to their quarters opened and he saw her. She was sitting on the couch with her travel bag next to her and she was holding the framed picture of the two of them at their wedding that usually sat on the end table. When he came in, she quickly replaced the picture and stood up. He kept his distance and fiddled with the PADD in his hand.

"I spoke to Capitan Picard. He will meet you when you arrive. They are heading strait to Earth, well as straight as the Enterprise goes anywhere. They should arrive in about a week. I contacted some old friends in town. They will open the house, stock it with some food and things. I wrote directions in here," he said offering her the pad.

She took it and stowed it in her bag. "And the freighter?"

"We will rendezvous in about 25 minutes. I spoke the Ullian captain. He has assigned you quarters and they say it will be 26 hours before they rendezvous with the Enterprise. He seemed quite honored, actually, to have you come aboard."

Deanna sighed and nodded. That was it. Neither one of them spoke as the minutes ticked away.

Finally Will stood up and went into the bedroom and started rummaging around in something. "I almost forgot," he said coming back into the room. "The key." He held in his hand a small metal key to his family home outside of Valdez Alaska. He put out his hand and Deanna placed hers over his to take it from him. As soon as their hands touched, Will grasped her hand with his own, their eyes locked. He didn't attempt to get closer to her. He just held her hand. "Be safe," he told her.

"I will."

"Deanna, please forgive me," she opened her mouth to respond, but before she could he continued. "Maybe not today or tomorrow, but someday? Someway, we can try to fix it?"

Deanna pulled her hand away from his as he slowly loosened his grip, her hand sliding the key with it. She tucked it inside the bag as well and hoisted it up onto her shoulder.

"I should get going,"

"I'm coming with you."

"No, Will. I think I know the way to the transporter room. This is better, besides I have to make a stop before I go." She would have to find Jenny as she wasn't there yet. "Oh," she had almost forgotten something of her own. "Samantha's party is tomorrow. Her present is in the closet, it is all wrapped up."

"What is it?"

"A little farm with animals that make noise." Will just nodded. "She will love it." She assured him.

"Okay."

"Thank you for this," she said indicating the pocket of the bag where she had placed the key.

"Tell me when you get there?"

She nodded.

He walked her to the door and slowly hugged her. She didn't return the hug, but she didn't pull away either. It would do. Then he kissed her head, like he used to do for so many years on the Enterprise. She stepped back and the doors to their quarters opened. Just steps from the door were John and Jenny Knox, Jenny holding a small pouch in her hand.

"I caught you! I'm sorry. It took longer than I thought. Here." She handed Deanna the pouch and Deanna quickly stowed it in the top of the bag with the PADD. "The instructions are inside." Jenny whispered giving her another quick hug. "You are sure about this."

"The most sure I have been about anything in a long time." Deanna told her.

The women parted and watched their husbands in a huddled conversation.

"You are putting her on to a Ullian freighter? Are you nuts?" Commander Knox asked his captain.

"Not my idea," was Will's only response.

"If something were to happen to her…"

"Don't go there, I am already there. I'll never forgive myself. I know." Will was waving his first officer off the topic.

John stepped up to Deanna and gave her a light hug. "Take care of yourself?" She nodded. He lowered his head and said closer to her ear, "Come home soon, okay?"

She did not answer him as tears were beginning to form in her eyes. She simply said, "Good-bye John," waved to her friend and with one more look at Will, who was standing with his arms folded in the middle of the corridor, looking somehow lost on his own ship, she turned and walked away.

Once she was on the freighter, locked in the small quarters that were to be hers for the next day, the tears began to fall, and they hadn't stopped for most of the trip. She regretted the way she left him like that. She hadn't really said good-bye or said when she would see him again. The only thing that she had promised was that she would tell him that she had arrived. Two messages. She did owe him that much. One from the Enterprise, one from the cabin in Alaska. And yet here she stood mulling around her guest quarters on the Enterprise, trying to think of anything else to do to distract herself.

_Oh, GROW UP!_ She told herself and headed to the computer console. It had been 31 hours since she had left the Titan and if he didn't get word soon, she would likely have his ship off the port bow. That was the last thing she wanted.

Dear Will_,_

She began. _No._ She deleted it and started again.

Will_,_

_No. _She deleted again.

Imzadi,

_NO WAY!_ She began deleting as soon as she had finished typing.

Will_,_

_That would have to do. _

I am on the Enterprise, safe and sound_._ _Well at least safe. Delete that._

I am aboard the Enterprise safely_. Could she leave it at that? No. _

The freighter was not bad, once I got used to the smell.

Still the Enterprise is far more comfortable_.-_ _I cried like a baby the whole way here, because I didn't say good bye, and I didn't say I'm sorry and I didn't say I love you. Then I cried when I got here because I had to face the man I respect most of all in the universe and tell him my life is a dismal failure. – Maybe that would be a little much._

I'm sorry that I did not say good-bye. I do love you_. She couldn't, not any more than he could say it and mean it._ She deleted that last bit.

I did love you_. No, that was far to final_. She deleted that as well.

I will contact you again when I reach Alaska.

Deanna

Before she could hesitate, or change anything else, she sent the message. It was gone. Now what would she do? Almost as an answer to her unspoken question, the chime on the door rang.

"Come in," she called,

The doors swished open and Beverly Crusher stood with her hand on her hip, trying to look irritated. But whatever her posture, her emotions were incredibly happy. Deanna smiled at her friend and stood to greet her. "You just show up, no warning or telling anyone you are coming!" Beverly chastised her.

Deanna ignored it and hugged her friend. "Oh, Beverly. It is good to see you!"

"You too." Beverly stepped away and really looked at Deanna. "You look exhausted. Are you okay?"

Deanna had hoped for more time to ease into it, more time to figure out what to tell people, so she lied. "It's just the traveling," she told her straightening out her clothes, hoping she didn't look disheveled. "It takes it out of me, you know?"

"On a Ullian freighter!" Beverly shook her head. "What did you do to tick your husband off?" Beverly giggled. Deanna tried to fake it. Beverly really didn't know anything. Deanna didn't know whether to be relieved or afraid. She would have to tell her. She knew she could. She just didn't. "God, he could have at least given you a shuttle or something. How busy it that ship, that the best way to get you to the Enterprise was a Ullian freighter?"

Deanna shrugged. "It seemed like a good idea at the time," she told her. It was the first honest thing she had said.

Beverly plopped down on the couch and dragged Deanna with her. Curling her legs up under her she started in. "So, tell me. What are you doing here? Not that I am not thrilled! And how long will you be staying? Tell, tell, tell."

"Well, the Enterprise is heading to Earth and I needed to go to Earth. It seemed like a good a reason as any to see my friends." She was back to the lying.

Beverly seemed pleased. "So you are staying aboard all week then?" Deanna nodded. "Oh, that's wonderful! I have missed you so much. We are going to have so much FUN!" Deanna smiled again. "So, why are you going to Earth?"

More lies, "After Will's father passed away last year, we have needed to go back and settle up some things with the estate. But Will has been so busy."

"So is Will going to be joining us as well?"

"No," Deanna tried not to answer too quickly. "It doesn't look like it."

"So you are going to Alaska alone?"

Hearing it out loud, the story did seem a little fishy. But she didn't have anything else. "Yes," she told her. "I am looking forward to it. I could use some time to myself."

"Well being a ships counselor and listening to other people's problems day and night can do that to you, plus your bridge duties. You deserve to be exhausted."

Deanna dropped her eyes to the couch where they sat. Beverly really didn't know anything of what had happened in the last few months. Maybe it would be best to just get it over with. Then at least she would have someone to talk to about it. She took a couple of deep breaths before launching in to a story that she wasn't even sure where it started.

But before she could speak, Beverly had jumped up. "I know! Lets go to ten-forward, eat a gigantic ice cream sundae and giggle like mad!" She was truly giddy to see her friend and Deanna didn't want to be the one to bring her down.

She nodded her head and stood up. "Okay. Let me just freshen up and we can go."

Deanna redid her ponytail, touched up her makeup and fidgeted a bit with her dress. It seemed odd to not be in uniform like everyone around her as they walked through the corridors, like she didn't quite belong.

When they reached ten forward the lounge was crowded, but they found a table tucked away and ordered their disgustingly large desserts. Some familiar faces smiled at her and would wave intermittently, and she waved back. Some that she was closer to came up to say hello and ask how long she would be there. She regurgitated the same story that she had told to Beverly at least four times, asked how their families were, how work was going, and tried as much as possible to keep the focus of the conversation on them and away from herself.

After a while, it was back to being Beverly and Deanna and ice cream. "You know, I just can't do this with anyone else." Beverly smiled licking the back of her spoon.

Deanna was smiling as well. Being around someone who didn't know her life was falling apart almost made Deanna be able to forget too, or at least pretend for a while. All she knew is she hadn't felt this happy in months. "Are you telling me you wouldn't do this with the new ships counselor?" Deanna asked swirling a ribbon of chocolate fudge into her mouth.

"Sean? Are you seriously asking me if I would gorge myself on desserts in front of Sean?"

"What?" Deanna asked innocently. "I personally thought he was a rather tasty dish myself." Deanna winked and Beverly threw her napkin at her.

Deanna had hand selected her replacement three years before, and while he was an incredibly qualified candidate, she got more than a little teased by her friend for selecting a very attractive, single man to take her vacated spot in the chain of command.

"You are an evil woman." Beverly chided her, licking her spoon again.

"I considered it my last gift to the Enterprise crew." Deanna began to laugh.

A familiar voice from across the room spoke to them. "Oh, no. These two giggling like that? We are going to be in trouble."

Deanna turned. There in the middle of the room was Geordi Laforge, Data, and speak of the devil, Sean Patterson. Geordi was grinning from ear to ear. "Gearodi!" Deanna stood and met him half way and gave him a hug. "How are you?"

"Oh, I am just fine. I am getting a new warp core. My goal is, of course, to run circles around the Titan."

Deanna hit him playfully in the arm. "It is really good to see you. And you, Data!"

Deanna turned her attention to the Enterprises new first officer.

"Counselor, it is a pleasure to have you aboard," Data told her rather formally. He then stepped forward and hugged Deanna as Geordi had. "I assume you remember Lt. Commander Patterson, our ship's counselor." Data indicated the man standing slightly behind them.

"Yes, of course," Deanna shook the man's hand. Data began to make the introductions but Sean cut him off.

"I remember her, Data. Hard to forget, she gave me my job." He smiled kindly at Deanna.

"And it's a good job to have," Deanna remembered fondly.

"Yes ma'am it is." The three men walked with Deanna who sat back down in front of her melting desert. "So Mrs. Riker," Sean Patterson addressed her. "How are you and your husband?"

It would seem like a safe enough question, but Deanna felt suddenly ill. "Fine," she nodded vaguely.

"The Titan has had quite a tour lately. I would guess there is a line outside your office."

Deanna just kept a forced smile on her face.

"So, what are you up to while you're here?" Geordi asked.

Deanna smiled. She had missed them all so much, but right at this moment, this chief engineer seemed like the best thing in the whole world. "Other than eating deserts with my friends? I don't really know."

"Well, Tuesday is still poker night. And don't tell your husband, but it's a lot more fun now when I win every once in a while." Geordi laughed with his easy manner. "You should come."

"I don't think I have played a hand of poker in at least two years. I would be horrible at it."

"Even better!" Everyone laughed.

Deanna grew a bit quieter. "I wouldn't want to intrude."

"That would not be possible, Counselor. You will always be welcome aboard the Enterprise," Data told her.

"Thank you, Data." Deanna reached out and touched his arm. "I would love to come."

Sean stood studying this woman who he had only met a handful of times as she spoke to her friend. Something did not seem right. "Are you alright Ma'am?" he asked her. "You seem,"

"Tired." Deanna cut him off. "Just tired. In fact, I should be heading back to my quarters." Deanna stood up and Beverly joined her.

"I'll walk you back," Beverly added.

The men said goodnight and the two women wandered out of ten forward towards Deanna's guest quarters.

"Are you alright?" Beverly asked her.

"Actually, Bev, I hate to admit this, but I am feeling a little sick from the binging. I'm not used to that anymore. "

"Is it the ice cream or the hormones?" Beverly asked slipping ever so slightly into her roll as doctor.

So Beverly did know bits and pieces. In fact she was one of the few people that she and Will had told that they were trying to have a baby. Deanna just kept walking.

"Is it awful?" She asked Deanna about the time they got to her door and walked in.

Deanna shuffled about trying to avoid the topic. "I know it must be really hard on you, both of you, but especially you and your body."

"Well it's hard to get pregnant when your light years apart," Deanna thought she would let Beverly interpret that comment how she would.

"So you are taking a break for a bit? While you are gone?"

Deanna felt the tears welling up in her eyes.

"Oh, Dea. It's okay." She hugged her and patted her back and spoke reassuringly as she cried. "There is nothing wrong with needing a break. Nothing at all. I have heard it can become all-consuming, and maybe it's best to just step back. Maybe this trip is really what you need, you know? To clear your system and your head." Deanna nodded but did not let go of her friend. "It doesn't mean that you don't want a baby Deanna. And it doesn't mean that you are giving up. It's just a little breather. Okay?" Beverly asked trying to pull back and look at Deanna's face.

"Okay," Deanna replied.

"Is it that bad?"

"Worse." Deanna sniffled and wiped at her eyes. "I could swear sometimes that I am actually insane. I don't know what to do, Beverly. I can't work anymore, and I am loosing hair. No one ever told me that I would loose hair!" Deanna lifted her bangs to show the triangles above her temples where her hair was receding.

"How is Will doing?" Deanna closed her eyes as more tears slipped out. "That good. Okay." Beverly tapped her fingers against her legs. "Well, in that case, I think what you are in need of, in my medical opinion, is a vacation."

Deanna's eyes were still closed, but she started to chuckle in spite of herself. Okay so maybe she hadn't told Beverly everything, but she had told her enough for today.

Beverly hugged her again. "It is going to be okay, Deanna. I promise."

Deanna only nodded. "Are you going to be alright tonight?"

Deanna wiped at her tears, "Of course I am. I'm sorry Beverly."

"Maybe we should have started with this, instead of the ice cream."

"No, I needed the ice cream." Deanna smiled weakly.

Just then Beverly's communicator beeped. "Sickbay to Dr. Crusher_"_

Beverly tapped her comm. badge. Deanna looked at the badge for a moment. She had not worn one in almost four months. Maybe that was the beginning of the end, she thought. Being relieved of command meant being relieved of comm. badges as well.

"Crusher here. What is it?"

"There was an accident in Cargo Bay Four. A containment pod lost gravitational control and they are bringing in wounded now. At least five maybe six."

"I'm on my way. Crusher out." She tapped her badge again and looked at her friend's forlorn face.

"You need to go," Deanna told her. "I'll be fine."

"You sure?"

"Yes, go." Deanna urged her towards the door.

"This conversation isn't over…" Beverly said as she stepped out the door and hurried off.

The doors closed and left Deanna alone again. "You have no idea," she said to the empty room. She slumped down on the couch alone and starred out the window as the stars streaked by. _I wonder where Will is now, what he's doing. _Then a far less appealing thought came over her, _who he is doing it with._ And with that, she was glad again to be streaking across space in the opposite direction.


	3. Chapter 3

Disclaimer: I still don't own Star Trek TNG or anything else.

The Knox family's quarters were filled with John and Jenny's friends and colleges. Several members of the medical staff filled the living room and most of the bridge staff gathered near the dining area. Captain Riker stood in the back of the room, his back to the window, watching a newly one year old brow hair brown eyed girl apparently trying her best to shove a cupcake up her nose. It was everywhere, and the group seemed to be getting a good laugh out of it.

Will doubted that Samantha Knox had any idea why they were all there. But there he was, with his colleagues, trying to maintain a polite smile. The one notable absence of the senior staff, other than the captain's wife, was the chief engineer. There was no doubt in Will's mind that Mac had not been invited, and he couldn't really blame Jenny. He wondered if he weren't her captain and her husband's best friend if he wouldn't have found himself uninvited as well.

"Capitan," Anika Sorous, his helm officer was offering him a piece of cake.

"Oh, No Thank you, Lieutenant," he told her smiling; at least he hoped it was a smile.

Samantha had cake on her face and up past her elbows, but it looked as if she was just about finished and before the rest could get thrown around, her mother took the remaining cake away from her. She handed her off to her father and headed into the kitchen area, with her arms full of cake and a highchair tray.

"Here, let me help you," Will offered, taking the tray from her as she passed him.

"I've got it," she said but it was too late. He was following her into the kitchen area. Jenny placed the cake on the counter and took the tray from her captain. "Thank you, Captain. I have it under control." To say that Jenny's response was cold would be an understatement.

"What do you want, Jen? I'm here."

"But Deanna isn't, is she?" Will nodded his head. Yeah, she was completely furious with him.

Will looked around to see if they were really alone. "Do you think this is what I wanted, Jen? Do you think this is how I wanted this?"

Jenny was wiping off the tray intently into the depository. Her face was fuming and if she had been a 20th century cartoon character, steam would have been coming out of her ears. "I don't know what the hell you want, Will. I don't know what you are thinking, or maybe it is _what_ you are thinking _with_." She just shook her head as if disagreeing with whatever he was about to say.

"I screwed up, okay? I should have listened to my fiends sooner. I should have tried harder to help her get her feet back under her."

"Yeah, ya think?" Jenny turned on him. Long gone was the pretext of being polite to her captain. He started this standing in her kitchen and she was going to finish it. "You ripped her life out from under her Will, and then you wonder why she felt lost? She needed you and instead you were off doing…" She grabbed a hand towel and wetted it in the sink. "She didn't deserve this, Will, I know that. She needed your help. She didn't deserve this."

"I know."

"And then," she rounded on him again, waiving the wet towel at him. "You sent her away on a Ullian freighter!"

"She wanted to leave, Jen."

"On a Ullian freighter? No one _wants_ to go anywhere on a Ullian freighter. Have you ever smelled a Ullian, Capitan? They stink!"

"It was the best option."

"Are you delusional? Because the last time I checked, the USS Titan has eight shuttles at her, no make that your, disposal. And your wife left here on a smelly hunk of junk,"

"HEY!" Will and Jenny turned around to see John standing in the doorway. "I have a chocolate covered kid out there who wants to open her birthday presents," He said walking forward and grabbing the wet towel from his wife's accusing hand, and lowering his voice. "Not to mention half the medical staff and the entire bridge crew, so if you don't mind, could you flog him later?" With that he stormed off to clean up his daughter.

John had really taken the wind out of Jenny's sails. She finished what she was doing far more quietly. "Sam will need her tray."

"Yep," Will agreed.

"You're an ass." She said standing before her captain a little awkwardly.

"Yep."

"Well, alright then." Jenny pushed the highchair tray towards him. "Let's go open presents."

Will followed her out of the kitchen holding the now clean highchair tray and after John had cleaned at least some of the cake off his daughter and replaced her in her chair, Will fastened the tray in front of her and her mother handed her a present to rip open.

Samantha opened gift after gift, playing with each one briefly. Deanna's gift was the last to be opened. Jenny handed it to Samantha and told her that it was from Will and Deanna. Sam looked to find Will where he sat on the arm of the couch, and blew him a kiss. This little girl had managed to wrap him around her finger like no other child he had known. He wondered how one child could cause he and Deanna so much happiness and yet be the source of so much pain as well. Will gave her a little wink and she smiled. She opened the little farmhouse and found different animals inside. Each one would make the animal's sound when she held it in her hand. There was a horse and a chicken and a cow. The last to come out of the barn was a pink pig. Deanna had placed a small pink bow on its head and as Sam picked it up it started to snort. Sam peeled into fits of giggles, as she held it out to her mom. As Jenny took it from her hand it began to snort again and Sam began to giggle again.

Deanna was right. She loved the farm. But it wasn't just that. She knew she would love the piggy best. Will wished Deanna had been here to watch her squeal with laughter. She would have been happy here, he thought as he watched Sam with her mother. Deanna would be like that. She would be a good mother. And there it was again, the ache in his heart looking at his first officer's happy family.

The beep of his communicator broke through the sounds of the party. "Bridge to Captain,"

"Go ahead,"

"Sir, you have just received a message from the Enterprise."

"Thank you, Ensign. I am on my way."

With that, Will stood up, walked to the little girl and her snorting pig and kissed her on the head. "Happy birthday, Peanut," he said as he patted her on the head. He didn't miss Jenny's eyes on him as he headed for the door, or John's pat on the shoulder. With a nod he was out the door and on his way to his ready room. He had slept there again last night, just in case anything happened aboard the freighter. Maybe tonight he would actually sleep at home.

Will sat at his desk in his ready room. His desk was full of work that needed the ship's captain's attention. Instead he sat staring at his computer monitor that was displaying the short message that he had received from Deanna three days before. It didn't give him much to go on, but he could not seem to stop himself from reading and rereading it. What was she thinking as she wrote it? Had being on the Enterprise helped?

Will heard a noise he did not recognize and looked up. Someone was knocking on his ready room door.

"Come," he called puzzled.

The doors opened and his first officer stood there at attention.

"Is there something wrong with the door, Commander?" he asked.

"I was going to ask you that same thing, Sir. I did ring three times."

Will had been deep in thought, but he didn't know that he was so thoroughly ignoring his job. "I'm sorry John, come in."

Commander Knox entered the ready room and took in what he saw. At least it appeared that his captain wasn't living there anymore, or if he was, he had gotten better at hiding it. He noted that the picture of Deanna that used to sit in the alcove by the window, now sat next to his computer screen on his desk and that the monitor, while he couldn't see it entirely, seemed to contain the same message that Will had been looking at the day before.

"What can I do for you commander?" Will asked.

"Sir, I have the energy allocation updates that you requested from each department." John extended the PADD to his captain who nodded, took it from him and added it to the pile.

"Did stellar cartography get the extra time that they were looking for?"

"Yes, sir. They came to their own compromise with the nasel supervisors."

"Excellent." Will relaxed back in the captains' chair and eyed his first officer who still stood very formally. "Anything else?"

John shifted his weight. He might be pushing his luck on this one. "Yes, Sir. Permission to speak freely, Sir."

"Alright, John. What is it?"

"Frankly Sir. I am wondering what the hell is wrong with you."

Will's eyebrows shot up. "Are we talking about something specific or just in general?"

"Specifically," John cleared his throat. "Why I saw Linsy McKenna leaving your ready room as I came on duty this morning."

Will sighed and gestured for John to sit down. "Come on John, what am I supposed to do? She _is_ my chief engineer. If she needs to talk to me, what am I supposed to say?"

"Really?" John seemed skeptical.

"Yes."

"So, what's going on in engineering?"

"What?"

"She needed to speak with you at 0700 in your ready room. It couldn't have waited another few minutes to talk to me. So what's going on in engineering? I think as the first officer, I had better know about it."

"John,"

"Look, Captain. I am only going to say this once, and I hope when I am done I still have a friend, and quite frankly a job." He took a deep breath and finally sat down in the chair that the captain had indicated. "You are tearing your family apart, Will. I am not trying to get in the middle of it. But I am also not going to sit by and watch you take my family with you. If you are still seeing Mac, Jenny is going to know about it. I refuse to run interference for you. And if Jenny knows about it, I guarantee you that Deanna will too. You have a choice to make Will. If you want Deanna back, you need to jettison the excess cargo."

"I'm not seeing her, John. I never was."

John did not speak, but tilted his head to the side and raised one eyebrow in an expression that was uniquely his own, that told Will that he was dancing dangerously close to the line of truth and lies.

"She wanted to talk about the engine alignment schedule and how she planned on rotating the new dilithium crystals."

"Wow. That _was_ urgent." John said leaning back in his chair.

"So when she comes to my door I am supposed to say, go away?"

"How about, have you looked at my desk? Maybe your should take this up with Commander Knox." John said pointing to the growing pile of PADDS on his desk.

Will nodded, maybe a little begrudgingly.

"How about, Mac, you are a good engineer, but working closely with me is not necessary to your job performance and with all things considered, if you need something from the bridge, I need you to report to Commander Knox. _That_ is honest."

Will nodded again.

"And if that were to fail," John took out the PADD that had been in his hand the whole time. "There are lots of positions for chief engineers, some more prestigious than this one. She could get one of these transfers, especially with a good Capitan recommendation."

"John!"

"Don't yell at me Will. You got yourself in this mess. And you may find that if she is stuck with me instead of having an open door to this office, she may well choose this option. I have seen her game and I am a lot less likely to fall into it. No offence."

"Bottom line, she is a damn fine engineer."

John pushed the PADD across his desk. "See, that is all you would need to say." John stood up and began to walk to the door. "Just one more thing, and I go back to being the first officer of the Titan, instead of a friend looking out for another friend's ass. You aren't gonna get it both ways, Will. You are either going to do the things it takes to fix your marriage, or you aren't. But I can't see Deanna coming back to things the way they are, or were, with Deanna pushed off into an office on deck 28 and no access to the nerve center of this ship and Mac strolling around with an ear on her captain."

"So I bump off my chief engineer?"

"Maybe. I think you _start_ by getting your ship's counselor back on your senior staff."

"I didn't want it this way John. I didn't know what else to do. She couldn't do her job and go through those treatments. It was completely incapacitating her."

"Okay. Okay. I'm just saying, as a friend, you two work better together when you are working together. You have to admit that was the breaking point."

"We have been together for so long, first on the Enterprise and then here. I don't think we knew how to do it without our lives being tied together that way."

John stood there, looking at his captain swirl in his own thoughts. "I will be on the bridge if you need me. Sir" John added coming to stand at attention again, before turning and walking out of the ready room leaving Will Riker, just like he found him staring at the only words he had from Deanna on his computer screen and looking at a four year old picture of her on his desk.


	4. Chapter 4

Deanna had, for the second night in a row, had dinner with Capitan Picard in his quarters

Deanna had, for the second night in a row, had dinner with Capitan Picard in his quarters. It was nice to hear about his day. The sound of his voice had become something soothing to her. He never asked her to talk about why she had left the Titian, but as they ate, some of the problems had come out, bit by bit. He didn't say much or offer advice. He simply filled in the silent moments with comments about how it must have been hard for her and that he was sure that was a terrible call for Will to have to make. He was good at seeing a situation from both sides. It was a quality that made him a wonderful mediator. Now they sat over dinner and he tried to mediate her marriage.

He and Will had been so close for so many years. He knew him well, including his weaknesses. It didn't make it easier to hear how each of them had faltered. Sometimes she wondered if it was right to confide in Captain Picard of all people. He was still one of Will's closest confidants. Even after three years with his own command, rarely more than a week went by without he and Captain Picard talking about their missions, or problems. The Captain was proud of Will and that meant the world to him. But as Jean Luc and

Deanna sat picking at their food, Deanna could sense his frustration with his former first officer.

"Deanna," Jean Luc began after quite a long period of silence. "I can not tell you what to do. But I will tell you this. I have known you for a long time, and I don't think there has been a moment of it where I didn't know that you loved him, and him you. That includes now. I can not give you advise on something I have never done. God knows I would be a dismal failure of a husband."

"I don't know that's true." Deanna interrupted.

"Oh, yes." The captain nodded and took a sip of his wine. "I am a proverbial old dog, Deanna. I do not learn new tricks easily."

Deanna chuckled. "Well, then I guess what you need is someone who will take you for who you are."

Captain Picard shook his finger at her and clucked his tongue. "No, no, no. You can not always get out of a conversation by talking about someone else." He paused. "But maybe you are correct. Maybe that _is_ what marriage is about, taking someone for who they are, better or worse."

They each sipped at their wine and then suddenly Deanna realized the time. "Oh, Captain. I should go. I told Geordi I would join the senior staff for poker night."

"Oh?" The captain smiled. "That should be interesting. Beverly tells me that Lieutenant Forbs is quite good."

"What about Sean Patterson? He seems very perceptive."

"Yes, Counselor. You chose well for us all. But as for a game of Poker, it is my chief of security you should keep your eye on. Go," he gestured to the door. "It will be good for you. You are spending too much time alone for my taste."

Deanna came around the table and kissed Jean Luc on the cheek. "Good night Captain. Thank you for dinner."

"Counselor, if you are not careful the gossip will indeed follow you, but for a wholly different reason," he told her grinning. "I think you will find that my crew is not used to me entertaining in my quarters."

"Well, I will try not to damage your reputation, Captain," Deanna hovered by the door. "Thank you again." Jean Luc nodded and jerked his head towards the door telling her to go, and she did.

She had a stop to make at her quarters before she proceeded to the game. She hoped she would have plenty of time. In her quarters she went into the bathroom and found the vile dated for this date and loaded it into the hypo spray. She stood there contemplating how many times she had done this in the last year. She slowly pulled up her skirt and exposed her upper thigh. It was easier to place the injection in her shoulder, but after the first few months, it was clear that it was showing, both in the blotches on her skin and the swelling that would show during her week where she should be ovulating, when the injections were due four times a day. And since the clothing she chose to wear tended to show her arms, far more than her upper thighs and hips, Deanna had begun to rotate the hypos more often to her lower body. At least now she would only need one shot a day and only for another few weeks. She checked the drawer and mentally counted the vials. She would get through this. She would be done, and it would be over. And even now as she pushed the hypo into her leg, she knew she would never do it again. With every vial in that drawer she knew her dream of having a child with Will was dying. However if she kept going, it wouldn't make a difference. Her marriage would be destroyed. Maybe it already was.

Three years ago when she and Will were married, she tried not to think too much about the whens and ifs of the children they would have. There were so many changes when Will took the Titan's captain's chair. It was all they could do to keep it together in those first few months as Will negotiated the peace treaty of his career with the Romuluns, and when it was over, they were stronger for it.

Then it had happened when they least expected it. Deanna had only found out a few weeks before that her new friend and Will's chief medical officer, was expecting a baby with her husband of two years, the first officer of the Titan. She had been so happy for her, and it did start her thinking about she and Will trying to have a baby of their own. Then, it happened so fast that she didn't know what was happening until it was almost over. She had been in her office between patients when she had felt some cramping. She thought she could ignore it, but then she had begun to bleed. She could tell it was bad, but she thought she could get herself to sickbay.

The last thing she remembered was walking out of her office and being light headed. When she woke up in Sickbay, Will was by her side and he looked as though he had been socked in the stomach. Jenny had stopped him outside the door and given him the news. Deanna had been pregnant, just a week or so, and she was miscarrying the baby. She was loosing more blood than she should have, but Jenny had gotten it under control. Deanna was stable, but there was nothing she could do for the fetus. Will had been the one to tell Deanna what was happening. He had held her in his arms and kissed her hair while the cramping and sharp pains took over her body. Within 12 hours it was over. Deanna stayed in sickbay for another day to rest and get her blood levels up before she had returned home to their quarters. They had not been trying to have a baby. It was an accident, but the loss stung. And in the coming weeks it stung more to watch John and Jenny continue on with a healthy pregnancy. The fetus was female, a little girl just like Samantha, and they would have only been 4 months apart. But some things were not meant to be and they tried to move on. Deanna's body had needed time to heal and recover, and they tried not to talk about it too much.

One night, a few months later, Deanna had been leaning back on the couch reviewing crew files. Will seemed bored and wanted her attention. He kept trying to get her to put her work down and the more he tried the more she ignored him.

He pulled her PADD away from her face, "In case you missed it, I am trying to be more interesting than," he looked at the PADD, "Ensign Urrh." He said, chuckling. Deanna tried to grab at the PADD, but Will yanked it away and began to read aloud. "Transferred three times in three years, Graduated 83rd in his class at the academy…"

"Will!" Deanna tried again to swipe the PADD from his hand.

"Unfavorable evaluation from Commander Tokav." He raised his eyebrows. "Maybe I am not more interesting."

Deanna grabbed the PADD back and threw it over onto her desk. She stood looking at her husband in the chair looking pleased with himself. She put her hand on her hip. "Do NOT complain to me when my reports aren't in on time, Captain. I have an attention starved husband."

Will raised his eyebrows repeatedly at her, and she laughed. Quickly he pulled her onto his lap and started kissing her neck. It felt so good, what he was doing, that it was hard to keep her annoyed look on her face, even if it was just for effect. "Hmmmm," she sighed.

"Oh, good. I am more interesting," he whispered against her ear.

"You, Captain, are the most psychologically complicated being on this ship. I swear."

Will tried to keep kissing her neck, but started to laugh. "Did you just insult me?"

Deanna decided to answer him in a different was and kissed him firmly on the lips.

"Is that a yes?" Will pulled away from her.

Deanna kissed him again.

"Does that mean I need extra time with the ship's counselor?" he asked pulling away from her kiss again.

"Oh shut up!" She grabbed his chin and kissed him again.

"Should I be worried about Ensign Urrh?"

"I swear, Will," Deanna threw her arms up. "I was doing my work, minding my own business," She was starting to stand up from the chair they shared.

Will pulled her back down and reached around her tangling his hands in her hair and pulling her forward until their foreheads touched. His expression was more serious than she had expected. "Deanna, I talked to Jenny today," he waited for her to react, but she kept her eyes steadily locked on his. "Do you want to know what we talked about?"

"Something medical?" Deanna guessed trying to remain playful.

"About us trying to have a baby." He waited and he could feel her body stiffen against him.

"You and Jenny?" It was Deanna's last attempt at keeping the conversation light.

"Deanna," he lightly reprimanded her. She sighed deeply. "There is nothing wrong with you, Dea. Jenny said that you were fine and that you were fully recovered."

"You went to Jenny to ask her that?"

Will nodded.

"Why didn't you ask me?"

"I needed to hear it from a medical professional, I guess. It scared me Dea, seeing you like that. I needed to know that you would be okay."

"And?"

"She said that you would be a great mom." Will had a simple grin on his face. "Deanna. I love you. I want to have a baby with you." Deanna could feel the tears stinging in her eyes, as she couldn't contain the smile creeping across her lips. " I guess I am saying, if you want to wait, I am okay with that. But when you are ready, I will be too."

A single tear spilled down her cheek and Will carefully wiped it away with the pad of his thumb. "Will," she began.

"It's okay. You don't have to be ready right at this moment, Deanna. Just think about it. Okay?"

"Will, I love you. I want to have a baby with you." Her eyes were so intense, he felt like

he could drown in them.

"Yeah?"

She nodded solemnly, then leaned into him and kissed him with every ounce of love she contained in her body.

"Now?" he asked almost puzzled and slightly breathless.

She nodded again, moving her legs so she straddled his waist on the chair.

"Really?"

"You seemed shocked, Captain," she said with a chuckle. "I like that I can still shock you."

"Really!" Will joined in her laughter. He stood up, bringing her up in his arms with him so he carried her and he started towards their bedroom.

He was mostly in the room, kissing her collarbone as she ran her fingers through his hair. With one glance back at the discarded work on the table Will's mind wandered momentarily. "Should I be worried about Ensign Urrh?" Will asked painfully torn between his life and his work.

Deanna grabbed his turned head by the earlobe and made him face her. "Hey!" She motioned between their two eyes. "A little focus here Captain!"

His mind never wandered from his wife again as they began on their adventure of having a baby.

The first six months had been a game and they were thoroughly enjoying themselves. There were playful times and there were romantic times. Will had made an effort to not be away from the ship when Deanna should have been ovulating. Will always excelled in activities where there was a clear goal and this was no different. The first few months had come and gone and Deanna was not pregnant, but they laughed and said _if at first you don't succeed, try and try again._

They hadn't told anyone that they were trying to have a baby, partially because it wasn't anyone's business and partially because they did not want to take a moment of attention away from John and Jenny's growing joy, and they did mean growing. Every time Deanna would put her hand on her friends abdomen and feel her daughter move, she would gasp and wonder how long until she would be able to feel what that felt like for herself. But Will was fairly sure that most of them had figured it out after a particular incident.

Deanna had come on to the bridge for her shift and had taken the seat next to her husband. The week had been crazy and they had spent far too little time together in the last few days. She looked around at the rest of the bridge crew busily doing their respective duties and decided to try it. _I'm ovulating_, she thought cast to her husband.

He turned abruptly to face her and raised his eyebrow in a way that made her blush and chuckle under her breath. "And?" he mouthed to her without making a sound.

"Captain, I am meeting with the third shift in engineering tonight, as you requested," her voice was formal as it should have been on the bridge, but she raised her own eyebrows at her husband hoping he would catch his meaning.

"Thank you." He remarked nodding. His lips were twisted in a wicked smile as he looked around to see if they were being watched. No one seemed particularly interested. He looked at her and inclined his head in the direction of his ready room.

Her eyebrows shot up and then leveled and creased. She shook her head slightly as if to say, "You wouldn't dare."

Will stood up. "Commander Knox, you have the bridge. I'll a," he cleared his throat slightly, " I'll be in my ready room." He said the last phrase with his eyes locked on Deanna. Next move, Deanna.

She sat there for a few minutes squirming in her chair. No. Definitely not. _Though that would be quite the story for the grandkids_, she considered. NO! That was crazy. He wouldn't. He was bluffing. Suddenly she stood and walked to the ready room and buzzed.

"Come," Will called.

Deanna stepped inside the door and made sure it closed behind her before she spoke. Once it was closed, she leaned casually against the wall. "You are bluffing, Captain."

"Then what is it that you came in here for?"

"I'm calling your bluff."

Will stood and came around his desk, slipped his arms around his wife's waist and grabbing her hips, pulled her to him. "You should know better, Counselor." Will kissed her fully and passionately as his hands roamed up and down her back and behind.

"Will!" Deanna laughed. "Seriously? I have an appointment in 45 minutes in my office!"

Will made a smug expression. "45 minutes? That leaves time to cuddle."

Deanna squealed as Will lowered her down on his couch and started unfastening her uniform.

Deanna had left his ready room right on time and headed directly for the turbo lift, hoping that her blush was hidden from the rest of the bridge crew. A few minutes later Will had emerged and sat in his captain's chair. He did notice that some of the crew were glancing back at him.

"Ah, hum" John cleared his throat and leaned in to be near his captain. "A word, Sir?"

Will nodded. John kept his voice as low as possible. "Your ready room door is not as sound proof as you think it is." John leaned back and without another word, plowed back into his work.

Will felt his stomach do a summersault as the temperature of his face soared. He leaned forward placing his forehead in his hand. Deanna was going to kill him.

And she had tried. She had beaten him with a pillow in their bedroom and turned the water in his shower to freezing cold. And she had madly avoided the bridge for the rest of the week, but she had gotten over it, and so had the rest of the staff.

When Samantha had been born, it was as if Will and Deanna's desire for a baby was kicked into overdrive, but with no results. Deanna was beginning to get frustrated. She thought about having a physical exam, but as long as Jenny was on maternity leave, it would have to wait.

On the last day on Jenny's leave, Deanna sat on her couch cuddling Samantha in her arms while her mother fluttered around her quarters trying to get her life back in order.

"She is so small. How can she possibly need to take so much crap with her to the daycare center?" Jenny moaned as she tried for the third time to shove everything into the small bag.

"Have you considered getting a bigger bag?" Deanna cooed at the baby.

"That would be too easy." Jenny grunted as she shoved the last bottle in and began to pull on the zipper. She sighed and collapsed on the couch next to Deanna and her daughter. She brushed her finger across the baby's cheek. "I hope she is going to be okay."

"She will be fine," Deanna told her reassuringly as she passed the baby back to her. "This is a normal feeling that all mothers have."

"I know." Jenny snuggled in with her daughter. "So…" Jenny began. "Are we maybe thinking about getting her a playmate?" Her voice was hopeful, but Deanna's face fell a little bit. She still felt a small sting when she thought that she should have been due any day.

"Well, it's not for lack of trying."

"So I hear." Jenny replied and Deanna blushed.

"You heard about that, hu?"

"Yes Deanna. Everyone heard about that. Literally."

"Oh, Gods!" Deanna buried her face in her hands.

"Oh yes. Heaven forbid you have sex with your husband. You are such a prude!"

Deanna rolled her eyes. "Actually," Deanna hesitated. "I was going to talk to you once you were back to work."

Jenny looked surprised. "Consider me back to work. What is it?"

"Well, how long do you try and have nothing happen before you should be, well, concerned."

"How long have you been trying?"

"About 8 months."

Jenny sighed. "Well, it's not like he can't get you pregnant. We know that much."

"I suppose."

"Why don't you come in tomorrow and I will check you out, okay?"

Deanna gratefully agreed.

She didn't know whether to be relieved or annoyed that there was nothing wrong with her reproductive system on physical exam. But what she knew for sure was that the next logical step was going to take a lot more convincing. Jenny watched her friend fidget with her wedding ring as she sat in her office. "Let me do it." Jenny told her. "I'm a doctor. I'm objective. I have the authority to give him orders concerning medical matters," she said with a wink.

"I don't know that he'll take that well," Deanna seemed doubtful.

"Well, why don't you let me worry about it? Okay?" Deanna nodded, wished her friend a good day and went back to work. It would be an interesting night.

Will had been paged to sickbay and entered apprehensively. He looked around quickly to try to detect a problem, but he saw none.

"Captain." Jenny greeted him as he came around the corner. "Have a seat in my office, please. I will be right with you."

That had not been what he expected. He entered her office and began to pace. He was uncomfortable with being kept in the dark.

"Sit down," Jenny gestured to a chair as she entered.

"Well I see you are back to work."

Jenny nodded. "Want to know who my first patient was?" Will shrugged. "Your wife."

Will tensed and looked around sickbay again. "What happened?"

"Nothing. She's fine. Irritatingly so, apparently."

Now Will was simply confused. "Why do I feel like I'm about to get ambushed, Doctor?"

This time Jenny shrugged. "I don't know Captain. Maybe because you have never been too fond of sickbay."

"What's going on?"

"Deanna's not pregnant."

"Okay," Will waited for her to finish.

"That's the problem, Will. Deanna's not pregnant and she wants to be."

"I understand that. Why am I here?"

"I examined her this morning. I am still looking at some of the blood work, but there is nothing physically stopping her from getting pregnant."

"If I am supposed to be following your drift here, I'm afraid I'm not."

"Well, if you examine one partner and don't find anything, the next logical course of action would be…"

It was an ambush. "Oh, no." Will stood up and leaned on the back of the chair, now in front of him. "I don't think so. Just for your records, Deanna was pregnant once right? If we could do it once, we can do it again."

"Will,"

"No."

"It could be lots of things."

Will shook his head. "No."

"Deanna really wants this." That stopped him. Jenny took out the specimen cup and put it on her desk with the mini PADD with collection instructions. Will started to shake his head again. "I'll code the sample Captain. No one will be walking around talking about your sperm count, I promise you. And you can take it home, just bring it in later…"

"That's it?" Will asked, looking extremely uncomfortable. Jenny nodded. "Is there really something wrong?"

"Maybe. Maybe not." Jenny held the specimen cup out to him. "Let's find out." She put it in his hesitant hand and started to walk out. "Take the instructions, Captain. Let's not have to do this twice."

That night when Deanna came home, she tried to get a sense of Will's emotions, but felt very little. He seemed remarkably normal. Maybe Jenny hadn't spoken to him yet. She took a deep breath and went inside. In the middle of the table sat a specimen cup and Will was bringing dinner to the table. Deanna looked from the cup to her husband and back again.

"Hungry?" Will asked putting the plates down.

"Not really. Do you want to talk about it?"

"It's Thai food. Pad Thai, I think is what it's called."

Deanna sighed. Couldn't he ever just make it easy? "Will." Deanna pointed to the cup.

"That's for after dinner." He made a funny face. "What the hell." He shrugged.

"Are you okay with this?" Deanna asked cautiously.

"Not particularly. But if this is what we have to do, we might as well make it fun."

"Fun?"

Will picked up the chopsticks and put a noodle in Deanna's mouth. "Yeah," he said getting close to her ear, "fun. Is that a problem?"

"Well… a little. Have you read the instructions?"

"No." Will was eating his own noodles now. "I don't think I really need instructions, do I? Do they preclude fun?"

Deanna sat down in her chair and began to study the mini PADD. "Well, there can only be one DNA sample with no contamination."

"Well that takes out a little fun," Will admitted.

Deanna continued reading. "It needs to be turned into the lab within six hours of collection. So unless you are planning on turning this into some lieutenant junior grade, you might want to wait until morning."

"Okay, fun tonight, work in the morning."

Deanna scanned through the rest of the PADD and sighed. "And it needs to be at least 24 hours between last ejaculation and collection of the sample."

"Great."

"I'm just reading the instructions!"

Will ate more noodles. "Just great."

"Are you mad?" Deanna asked him.

Will just sighed. "Not mad. Frustrated. But, that seems to be a medical necessity this evening." He came around the table and rubbed Deanna's shoulders and kissed her on the head. "Don't worry, Dea. Just promise me that after tomorrow, I won't have to talk to Jenny about my sperm any more?"

She kissed the back of his hand as he rubbed her shoulder. "I promise."

Will woke up in the morning with Deanna rubbing and kissing his chest. "Mmmmm," he moaned stretching. "Good morning."

Deanna kissed her way up to his neck and ran her fingers through the hair at the back of his neck and he moaned again. "Good morning," she replied. Deanna ran her hand along his chest again and then rolled over and got out of bed.

"Hey, where are you going?" Will called after her as she walked into the bathroom.

"To work," Deanna smiled as she tossed the specimen cup onto the bed. "Have fun!"

Will groaned as she closed the door to the bathroom. He must love her, he thought, shaking his head and picking up his dreaded instructions.

By that afternoon, Will sat in the chief medical officer's office holding his wife's hand and waiting. He rubbed her back with one hand and played in her hair as she sat and fiddled with her wedding ring.

"Alright," Jenny walked in holding two PADDs and placing them on her desk. "Do you want the good news or the bad news?"

"Let's start with the good," Deanna said hopefully.

Jenny looked at Will and tossed a PADD in his direction. "Well, you will be happy to know that _you _are _the man_. Great little swimmers and lots of them." Will rolled his eyes. "And if you were trying to have a baby with any other woman on board, you would have a whole litter of kids right now." Jenny's smile was gone as she told them the last part.

"And for you," she threw the other PADD do Deanna, "the miscarriage didn't cause any damage to your reproductive system, per say. But it has messed with your hormone levels. I doubt that you are putting out enough estros to ovulate at all."

Will and Deanna looked at each other and back to Jenny. "So the last bit of good news?"

Deanna nodded.

"I think I can fix it." Jenny let it all sink in for a few seconds before she continued. "Deanna, you need hormone therapy to get your levels back to normal. A pregnancy messed them up and I would guess that a pregnancy will fix them, but until then, you will need daily injections of a spread of about three artificially engineered hormones." She switched her gaze to Will as she half sat, half stood at the edge of her desk. "Will you have a great sperm count, but you do lack a certain enzyme that makes your human genetics more compatible with Deanna's betazoid genes."

"So hormones for me as well?" Will asked.

Jenny sighed. "I wish. What we need to do is manipulate your enzymes into more closely mimic each other. And since it would be a lot easier to do that with Deanna being half betazoid and half human, than it would be to make you half betazoid… that will fall to Deanna as well."

"Genetic manipulation?" Deanna asked puzzled.

"Not really, more enzymes than genes. It will allow his sperm to penetrate your egg at a much better rate."

"But we got pregnant once," Will pointed out again.

"Like getting struck by lightning." Jenny shrugged. "Try to do it again."

"So I haven't even been ovulating?" Deanna was getting more and more quiet.

Jenny shook her head.

Will exhaled with a sigh and looked at his wife. She was sitting staring at the wall just over Jenny's head.

"But Will is fine."

"Not really. Think of it as being broken together," Jenny tried to sound encouraging. "First things first. We need to get some fish in the barrel." She jumped off the edge of her desk and started to get something.

"Fish?" Will asked.

"Yeah, you know. Shooting fish in a barrel?" she added looking over her shoulder.

"Okay," Will seemed puzzled.

"Look, if you want to shoot fish in a barrel, you need three things: a barrel," she pointed to Deanna. "Bullets," She pointed to Will, "plenty of those. But you could have all the bullets you want. If there aren't any fish in the barrel," she pointed back at Deanna, "your odds really stink."

_Okay- I know this is a really odd place to end this chapter, and it is not really where I intended to break it up. But it is taking longer to tell this part of the story than I thought it would. That is partially because I wanted to put in some happier moments. This was supposed to have been a rock solid couple, and while I want to explore how it went wrong, I also wanted to remind myself and everyone else why they were good together to start with. _


	5. Chapter 5

Disclaimer: I didn't own them when I started, I don't own them now, I won't own them when I'm done.

The treatments started the very next day and Will and Deanna braced for the side effects that Jenny had warned them would come. But they did not. In fact life continued as it always had, other then the momentary interruptions in the evening when Deanna gave herself her hypo. Deanna spent every morning concentrating on her emotions to center herself for the day, but she found that she felt no difference and she began to sigh a sigh of relief.

"How are you doing with all this?" Will asked her one morning before she headed down to the surface of an Accamarian colony on Felnili 3 in an away team lead by his first officer.

"With what? The Accamarians?" Deanna asked, sipping coffee at their table.

Will hesitated. "I guess I meant the drugs," Will admitted.

"Do you mean am I feeling _crazy_ yet?" Deanna looked at him over her coffee mug.

Will smiled sheepishly at her from across the table. "How about, how are you feeling about our little hormonal adventure?" Will tried it from a different perspective and was rewarded with a stunning smile from his wife.

"Adventure?" She asked beginning to laugh. Will shrugged. "Well that depends on who's asking," Deanna stood and came around the table and placed her hands on the back of Wills shoulders. "My captain? Or my husband?"

"Your captain?" Will asked timidly.

Deanna stood very straight and kept her hands firm on his shoulders. "Well Captain. I believe that I am more than capable of fulfilling my duties."

"Okay," Will said grabbing her fingers from his shoulder and kissing them lightly "What about your husband?"

"Oh, well, in that case," Deanna leaned over the chair and whispered while nuzzling his ear, "I believe I am more than capable of fulfilling my duties." She nibbled his earlobe and heard him moan deep in his throat. "Gotta go," she said pulling away from him and heading to the door to head to the transporter room to meet the rest of the away team.

"You're EVIL!" Will called after her and she walked out of the door laughing.

As they left the Accamarian colony a week later, Will and Deanna again sat in the CMO's office.

"Good news or bad news?" Jenny asked.

"Good." They answered in unison.

"I think I can fix it."

Deanna leaned into Will's shoulder with a grunt and Will sighed.

"Bad news?" Will asked.

"You didn't ovulate. Your hormone levels weren't high enough. So we are going to need to increase the dose."

The next cycle the hormones were almost doubled. Deanna did find herself more irritable, but she could center herself before she allowed her emotions to come spilling out of her. She also began to feel withdrawn, easily opting for staying home alone rather than attending a violin concerto with Will in the forward lounge. But all in all, it was still not as bad as she feared.

"Good news or bad?" Jenny asked them again 4 weeks later.

"Don't tell me," Will said completely deflated. "You can fix it."

"I was going to say, you ovulated." Jenny still did not look pleased.

"But I'm not pregnant." Deanna finished for her.

"No, you're not. The egg was underdeveloped still. With another small increase in the hormones…"

Will and Deanna both sighed. This was not what they had wanted to hear.

"…I think we would be there."

Will leaned forward. "Is there any other way?" he asked.

Jenny shrugged her shoulders. "Adoption, surrogacy…"

"No," Deanna broke in. "It will be fine. _I_ will be fine." She stood up and tugged at the gathers in her uniform. "When do we start?"

The "small increase", as Jenny put it, had made a huge difference in Deanna's mental state. She felt as though she would break down in tears at any given moment. No matter how she attempted to center herself, now, her mind would often wonder while she was working and she became more withdrawn. The more introspective she became, the less easily she could pick up on the emotions of others. She tried to keep an even keel during the day, but at times she would cry between counseling appointments, just to feel the release. By the end of her day her nerves were shot. Things that Will used to do to make her laugh, she now found more than a little annoying. She was happiest when she was alone and often in the evenings she would go walking through the arboretum on deck 14 to enjoy the sound of the quiet. She knew she wasn't behaving like herself and she didn't know how to stop it. It felt as though there was a monster inside her just bursting to get out.

The night of the reception for the delegations from Coras 2 and its orbiting moon was a breaking point for Deanna. She had tried her hair four different ways and no matter what she did, it looked wrong. She tried on different dresses, finally picking something plain and tan to matched the way she felt on the inside.

"Hey, beautiful," Will called in the direction of the bathroom. "Let's get a move on."

Deanna sighed. All she wanted to do at that moment was curl up and go to bed. She put her head down on the counter and took a couple of deep breaths.

"Seriously, Deanna. We're not going for fashionably late here," Will said finding her in the bathroom with her head down.

"Fine," she sighed. "Fine." She stood and fastened the clip into her hair for the fifth time. She shook her head in disgust at herself and huffed out of the bathroom. She could feel anger raging inside her and tried to move through it.

"Is that the facial expression you're going with?" Will asked pointing to her scowling face.

Deanna almost growled at him and her face turned to more of a frown than before. A few weeks ago, that attempt at humor would have made her laugh or at least smile, but tonight it made her want to walk back into the bathroom and lock the door behind her.

"Okay," was Will's only response as he took a step back to let her pass him in the doorway. "Do you want to talk about it?" he asked as she entered the living quarters.

"No," she replied. "I want _to go_. The sooner we go, the sooner I can come home." She sighed exasperatedly again and began tapping her foot as Will casually leaned against the bulkhead between their bedroom and living room as if he suddenly had all the time in the world. "What?" she spat at him. He only raised his eyebrow. "_You_ said we needed to go. _I _am standing here waiting to go. What is it you want?"

"My pleasant wife back, for starters," Will replied.

Deanna's emotions swung in an instant with the criticism in her husband's words and she felt the tears filling her eyes. The irritation with him that had been consuming her was immediately replaced with crushing disappointment in herself.

"Oh, okay Dea, I'm sorry. You're having a bad day. I get it."

He walked towards her to give her a hug, but her anger flared again at his patronizing words. How could he say he understood when he felt none of what she was going through? How could he say that he got it, when she spent most of her day struggling to understand it? And suddenly she heard her own voice as if it were coming from someone else, though she recognized the feelings in the words. "You get it? You GET IT? REALLY? Because I REALLY don't think you _get it_. I don't think that I…" and then she was crying again.

He reached out to her, but she felt so completely out of control, she couldn't stop the urge to run. She sprinted past him, back into the bedroom and threw herself on the bed. "I'm sorry," she sobbed, though it was muffled by the pillow. "Go, just go. You have to go."

"Deanna,"

"It's your ship. You can't be late. Just go." She was embarrassed that he was watching her like this. She wished he would go on to the reception without her.

"Deanna," he said again. She felt him gently begin to rub her back.

"I'm sorry," she repeated.

"I know," he tried to sooth her.

"Ahhhh!" She cried into the pillow and felt Will pull away. "This is ridiculous!" Now she was no longer angry or crying. She felt as though she was loosing her grip on reality and she didn't know whether to laugh at the absurdity of it or to cry with helplessness. She began again to take deep cleansing breaths and ground herself.

"Dea, Sweetie," she felt Will lay down next to her with his head supported on his elbow and he began to rub her back and smooth her hair as she took a few more deep breaths. "This isn't you. It's just the drugs. This isn't you. We knew it might be like this. It's going to be okay."

Slowly she rolled over to face him. "It's all the people, Will. It's too hard. I don't want to go and the more I try to make myself, the worse I feel."

Will continued to rub her back and shoulder as she scooted closer to cuddle against his body. "I know," he whispered. "I'm sorry." They laid together her for a minute or so without talking, just letting her collect herself.

She gently pushed him away from her. "You need to go, Will."

"I'm not leaving you like this."

"There are going to be 60 people waiting for you." Deanna pushed him away again.

Will pulled her closer again and kissed her forehead. "Let them wait." Will squeezed

Deanna to his body and she didn't fight him. She just melted into his warm form. "I can't concentrate. I can't think. I feel like I'm going crazy." She spoke into his chest.

"It's going to be okay."

"Actually crazy!"

"You are not crazy Deanna. I know it's hard for you right now, but we are going to get through this."

"I have been snapping at you every night for two weeks."

Will couldn't argue with that. "It's alright."

"No it's not."

"It's the drugs."

Deanna made a small humph sound in reply.

"Hey, I am working really hard at telling the difference. Give me some credit."

For the first time all night Deanna smiled slightly. She pulled herself up on her elbow to face him. "I know. You never once snapped back. I'm so sorry."

Will wiped the stray tears away from her face. "I know. I'm the best husband ever," he said gently and with just a hint of sarcasm.

Deanna closed her eyes and chuckled softly. Will was watching her with so much love in his eyes. She didn't deserve him like this. But regardless, he leaned toward her and kissed her lightly. "I like when I make you laugh," Will whispered against her cheek, and then kissed her again. Without a thought the kiss deepened and continued growing in intensity by the moment.

"Will," Deanna pulled away. "What did you say earlier about fashionably late?" she asked as she pealed her body away from his on their bed.

"Tell me why you don't want to come," he whispered again caressing her face.

"It's just all those people," she shrugged. "I can't read them right. It just makes me feel…" she shrugged again. "Unsettled."

"What do you mean you can't read them right?" he asked suddenly more concerned.

Deanna looked away from him, and did not answer.

"Like when we were in the wake of the two dimensional beings on the Enterprise?"

"No, no. That was different."

"How?" Will pulled her chin back so she was looking at him again. "Try to explain it to me, please?"

"It's not that I can't sense them, like they aren't there. It's more like I can't distinguish what it is they are feeling. Anger, from deceit, from discomfort. I don't know," she ended shrugging again. "Sometimes I can't tell if I am sensing their emotions or my own."

"The Corsians?" Will asked.

"Yes," then Deanna shook her head. "No. They _are_ more difficult, but sometimes I feel this way even with the crew."

Will studied her for a moment with a heavy look of concern on his face. Then he pulled Deanna with him up from the bed. "Listen to me. You are going to be just fine. This all is just temporary and when it is all over, we are going to have a baby, and we'll realize that it was worth it." He kissed her head again. "And for right now," he hugged her tight to him. "For tonight, I am right here. Can you feel my love for you?"

She nodded as she snuggled against him again.

"Okay, stick with that." He rubbed up and down her arms as if warming her with his love. "Hang on to that and we will come home and you can rest. Okay?"

"Thank you," Deanna whispered, pulling away and wiping at her face and straightening her hair.

Will took her by the arm and escorted her to the reception. She had stayed close to Will's side most of the night. Whenever she felt herself falter, Will would take her hand and try to strengthen her. She was exhausted, but was confident that if he were with her, she could do almost anything.

Deanna could see and feel that Will was growing more and more concerned for her mental wellbeing as the weeks and months went by, but they had both been hopeful that it was only a temporary problem and now that they had fish a barrel and bullets, as Jenny had so eloquently put it, that it would only be a matter of time until Deanna was pregnant. When Jenny had asked about how the hormones were making Deanna feel, she had told her that she didn't know how she and Will would get through this and then a pregnancy.

"Oh, don't worry about that." Jenny told her. "After all these artificial hormones, the natural ones will seem like a walk in the park, I promise."

So Deanna told herself that she just needed to hang on for a little while longer. If she just fought it harder, focused more, she could get through it and her life could get back to normal and she and Will would have a baby of their own.

But the tension between Will and Deanna grew every day. The only time that they would manage to fall into their normal pattern was the first week of Deanna's cycle when the hormones were at their lowest point. But at the other times, their evenings were tense. Will walked on eggshells to try to keep out of the way of her swinging emotions. But he rarely succeeded and more nights than not she would end up crying in his arms apologizing to him. He would smooth her hair and tell her it was not her fault, but she could feel the resentment in him growing, even if it was against his will.

When the stress of work was added to the stress of home, it only magnified the strain on their relationship, and that is exactly what happened with the Titan was called to patrol the neutral zone between the Federation and Cardassian boarder. Ultimately it wasn't the tense atmosphere at home that had pushed the situation over the edge, but the incident on the bridge that brought things to a head.

Will had a full bridge crew at yellow alert. There was natural tension from the situation and then there was the ever-present tension between Will and Deanna as they sat mere centimeters apart, equally incensed at each other. He had snapped back at her that morning when she had launched into him about not going with her to her medical appointments just as they were on their way out the door. "I'm sorry," he had said in the turbo lift as they neared the bridge.

"Whatever, it's fine," Deanna had replied coldly.

They were both still fuming and if they were honest, they both knew the apology was more to facilitate a smooth bridge shift than anything else.

"You know, Deanna," Will said, just as the turbo lift came to a stop. "I know you are going through a lot, but you can only kick a dog so many times before he bites back."

That was the last thing he had said to her and the words stung in her heart as they played again and again in her head. She knew he was right. She lashed out at him about anything and everything and no matter how hard she fought it; she couldn't seem to stop herself.

"Captain," the helms officer spoke. "We are picking up an unidentified vessel to port traveling 652 mark 4."

Will stood. "On screen. Tactical analysis."

"Armed with type two phasers and a laser cannon, minimal shielding. I still cannot identify the ship's origin."

Will, for the first time that shifts, turned to his wife. "What can you tell me?"

Deanna tried to focus, but couldn't clear her mind well enough to allow her to sense anything. "Nothing," she told him.

"Life signs?" John asked the crew.

"Unknown."

"Counselor," the first officer asked. "Do you sense anything at all? Is there anyone on board?"

Deanne felt her frustration grow. "I don't know. I can't tell."

"Anything? " Will asked almost desperately.

"I told you I can't sense anything, Will. What do you want from me?"

The crew froze at Deanna's outburst and waited for the captain's reaction.

Will's eyes bored into Deanna. She had crossed the line. She knew it before the words were out of her mouth, but they had come out anyway.

Will didn't respond to her, but instead he turned to his security chief. "Hail them."

There was no response.

"Captain, they are approaching the port nasel."

"Shields at maximum."

"They are still approaching," the helm officer offered.

"They are dangerously close, Captain."

Will watched the small ship on the monitor, puzzled. "What are they trying to do?"

"There is one person on board, Sir. I am picking up one life sign- Cardassian."

"We need to know if he's hostile. Counselor," he turned back to his wife who was clearly flustered. Her mind was caught up in her own emotions and no matter how she tried to shake them she could sense nothing beyond that room. She shook her head frantically blinking back tears in her eyes. "Try harder," he said to her in an even, unemotional voice.

Deanna was fuming, but closed her eyes and tried to focus on the small freighter. Slowly she shook her head. "I can't." The tears were in her eyes. She couldn't keep it together any longer. "Nothing. I can't."

Just as she spoke an explosion rocked the ship as the freighter exploded just off the port nasel. "Report!" Will called staggering.

"They detonated their warp core. There is damage to the port nasel."

Will flew into action and as the crew reacted to protect the ship, Deanna helplessly moved to the aft turbo lift and left the bridge.

At first she had just walked the corridors, breathing deeply trying to keep some claim on her sanity. She had finally brought herself to walk to sickbay where she looked in on those that were wounded. They sat here because of her, she couldn't deny it. She had let Will down. She had let herself down and she had let their crew down. Luckily no one had been killed. But it didn't lessen the gnawing in the pit of her stomach, as she knew the time that she would have to face Will was drawing closer and closer.

When Will came home he found a meditative Deanna, curled in the chair, staring out into space, her knees tucked against her chest as she rocked mechanically back and forth.

Will stood in the doorway and did not speak for several minutes. Deanna tried to push his emotions away, afraid to feel his anger and disappointment. She couldn't look at him and she found that she couldn't speak at all without breaking the meditative like state she was fighting to maintain.

Finally his words came, and they were as cutting as she had expected. "What _was that_, Dea? What _was_ that?" The words stung, but his voice was low and calm.

She didn't answer, but rocked back and forth more forcefully.

"I need you to answer me."

She only raised her shoulders as if to say that she didn't know. She could not trust herself to speak and continued to rock as fresh tears spilled from her eyes.

"What am I supposed to do?"

Deanna tucked her head to her legs and shut her husband out completely. She could not face him, not without loosing every grip on her mental stability that she was fighting to maintain.

She had felt him walk out, walk away from her. She had fought most of the night to keep it together as she tried to formulate what she could possibly say to her husband. But he had not come home, and in her heart she knew he wouldn't. She had finally collapsed in the early hours of the morning clinging to a pillow in the middle of their bed.

When she awoke late the next morning, she searched, first with her hands in her bed and then with her mind for Will. She knew he would be on the bridge, but other than being empathically aware of him, she could feel nothing.

She didn't leave her quarters. She cleared her schedule and waited, waited for Will. When the doors opened late in the afternoon, Will found Deanna exactly as he had left her, rocking her body back and forth. But without turning to face him, she knew he was not alone.

"Deanna," Jenny's voice rang through the still air, but there was no reaction.

"Deanna," Will echoed, much more soft and gentle than he had been the night before.

Deanna would not let herself cry, she had to get through this. Without warning she stood up and rigidly faced her husband. "I understand what I did. I know I crossed a line and I endangered the ship."

Will watched her for a bit and then moved closer to her and led her to the couch. He put his arm around the back of her shoulders. Only then did her posture relax slightly as she rested her head on his chest.

"I don't know what else to say. I'm sorry. I let you down." Deanna's voice broke and her overwhelming emotions began to come to bare again.

"Shh, Deanna." Will pulled her into a tighter hug and tried to sooth her. "This was my fault." Deanna began to shake her head vigorously against him, but he held her tighter. "Yes," he answered her. "It was. I knew you were struggling. You told me months ago. I should have done something sooner. I just didn't want to loose you, or hurt you."

Will held her and no one in the room spoke for a minute. "Deanna," he began again. "We can't do this."

Deanna jerked her head away from Will and looked into his face. What was he telling her? "What does that mean? You don't want to have a baby?" Was it that easy for him? Was the choice that flippant?

"I do want to have a baby, Deanna. But at what cost? What are we willing to sacrifice to get it? Our strong marriage for a faulty one? The mental health and safety of this crew?"

Deanna felt the tears again in her eyes and fought to blink them back. "This is not the way it should be, Deanna. It should have been easy. It should have been effortless. It should have been natural."

Deanna had to admit that she felt the same way, and he was right. There was nothing natural about this. Everything was calculated, medical, and awkward. Will and Deanna, in all the time they had been together, even all those years ago, had never had sex that either one of them would describe as awkward. It had always easy and natural and wonderful. But this was mechanical, and unemotional. It didn't matter if they hadn't had a decent conversation in a week, if she was ovulating, neither one of them were willing to miss the opportunity. No, this was not the way she wanted it either. But what was she willing to risk?

"I don't want to stop the treatments, Will. I can do better. I'll find a way to do it better, I swear." She was pleading with her husband to believe her.

"I have a suggestion." Jenny Knox had been standing, leaning against the back of the door, the forgotten person in the room. "I think that's why I'm here, right?" She asked Will. He nodded and she continued, stepping forward. "It's too much for you Deanna. So if you don't want to cut back on the treatments, maybe you need to cut back in other ways." Jenny approached the couple and sat in the chair across from the couch.

"Like what?" Deanna asked tentatively.

"Well, the way I see it, right now you have three jobs. You are the ship's counselor, you're a bridge officer and you are the captain's wife."

"That last ones a job, hu?" Will tried to lighten the mood.

"Yes." Jenny answered seriously.

"When there is a reception with some foreign delegation, who do you think researches to find what foods and music would be appropriate? Who do you think decides what flowers should be on the table, or what color the table clothes should be?" Jenny asked him almost indignantly.

"Deanna." He replied.

"Do you think that is part of her job as ship's counselor?"

Will shrugged. He had never really thought about it. "I don't know. She did it on the Enterprise. She has just always done it."

"Well most ships of this caliber would have a cultural attaché to take care of those things. Especially if there was no captain's wife to look after it." Will seemed to be contemplating this. "I know you have always done it, Deanna," Jenny continued, looking at Deanna with sympathy. "But it doesn't mean that you have to. We could assign the captain a cultural attaché and that would be one less thing on your plate. It wouldn't get rid of the arm candy part, but it would help with the rest."

"Arm candy?" Will repeated.

"You know, dress nice, look pretty, smile, nod…" Jenny was gesturing with her hands as she spoke and Deanna began to almost smile.

"Arm candy," Will said with a slightly disapproving nod.

Jenny spoke again with a bit of hesitation, "And I think you could cut out your bridge duty as well." Will and Deanna both looked at her startled. "It would take a lot of pressure off you Deanna. And it would only be temporary."

Will looked down at Deanna's lap where her fingers fidgeted with her wedding band. "I think she's right, Dea." Deanna pulled away from him slightly to better look at his face and to read his emotions more clearly. "It would just be for a while."

"You don't trust me to do my job." Her words were almost a whisper and she couldn't really blame him after yesterday.

"I think it would be better for you, for everyone. Deanna, I feel like I am loosing you. I don't want that to happen. It's not worth it to me." Will stopped and let his thoughts form into words. "We can stop the treatments or you can do what Jen says. It's your choice, but I can't let you keep going like you are. I'm worried about you."

Deanna stood and began pacing the room with Jenny and Will's watchful eyes following her every step. She knew they were probably right, and not having that pressure on her would be a nice break. Besides, she could not imagine facing the bridge crew at that moment anyway. But still her heart ached. She had failed. It was the only emotion she could feel, overwhelming failure and sadness. Slowly she came to a stop, looking out at the stars, then took a slow breath and closed her eyes. "Alright. Fine." It was a concession that she would have to learn to live with. And in the end it was a sacrifice that she was willing to make.

Will came up behind her and spoke softly. "It's only for a little while," he tried to comfort her. She only nodded. "I told John." She only nodded again. She knew he would have had to. "He needed to know." She nodded again and turned and walked out of the room alone.

As the weeks dragged on and she was still not pregnant, Deanna found that while her temper was more easily controlled, the overwhelming sadness that had washed over her was harder to fight off. She was falling into a new routine, with more time for herself to meditate and center herself, and she spent some leisure time reading or taking Samantha for walks in the Arboretum. She liked the sound of her cooing and giggling. It was the only thing that lifted her sadness at all. She and Will had even taken Sam for the weekend while her parents took a brief shore leave as the Titan neared Risa. Will had been so good with the little girl as she crawled around their quarters and napped in his arms. Things had seemed momentarily easy between them again. They had laughed easily and played with Samantha, and slept cuddled in each other's arms. But it had been fleeting. The next mission was to carry Admiral Brand from star base 241 to a conference on Terras 2. Of course there had been a reception for the admiral and his staff as they had boarded the Titan, and for the first time, Deanna did not plan the function. She dressed in her uniform and pulled her hair back and up, flashing her practiced, all be it fake, smile in her bathroom mirror. Her face fell as she looked at herself in the mirror and her husband over her shoulder in the bedroom fastening the collar of his dress uniform. "Arm candy," she muttered softly. "Look pretty, smile and nod," she sighed as she exhaled. "Go to bed, get up and do it all again tomorrow."

She found that her feelings of fulfillment with her life and job were failing by the minute. She saw her patients, but felt no joy in it. Maybe that was because she felt that she had lost her ability to really help any of them, maybe it was because she found that she thought more and more of them didn't really have problems in their life, as much as they had minor inconveniences that had been blown completely out of proportion. She resented not being on the bridge, and found that she and Will had far less to talk about. If he talked about the bridge activities she felt resentful, and since her counseling was confidential, that left even less to talk about than they had had a few months before. As the days went by, Deanna's struggle to maintain her work schedule seemed to be her biggest challenge. She sat at her desk, staring off into space as her day came to a close. It was mid afternoon, her appointments were over and whilea few months ago, Deanna would have been heading to the bridge, today she sat with her eyes fixed on the wall, looking at nothing in particular when a buzz came at her door. Deanna took a couple of deep breaths to center herself and called, "Come in,"

The Titan's first officer stood framed in the doorway when she turned her head to greet her guest. "Counselor, Mac is still waiting for the psych evaluations of the new engineering shift schedules."

Deanna put her hands to her forehead and rubbed her temples. "I'm sorry John, I have done the interviews. I just haven't made my evaluations or written up the report."

John cleared his throat and stepped inside. "It should have been in a week ago, Deanna."

"I know. I'm sorry. I'll get right on it." With that she expected John to leave, but instead he continued to approach her and sat back against the edge of her desk.

"Lieutenant Darrins said you cancelled his appointment last week and haven't rescheduled."

Deanna nodded. "He wasn't exactly receptive."

"Receptive or not, he was ordered to see you."

"Fine, I'll make the appointment." Deanna stood and turned to walk away from him, but he reached out and held her elbow to stop her.

"Deanna, we need to talk."

Deanna suddenly sensed his foreboding and pulled back from him. "I'll take care of it, John. Don't worry."

"I am worried. We are all worried."

"I gave up bridge duty already. I am taking more time to work out my emotions. What is it you all want?"

"And has it helped?" John asked sincerely.

Deanna only shrugged.

"Can I ask you something?" he asked her moving with her to her sofa and sitting down.

"Are you happy?"

"What?"

"With your job, at least. Is this what you want to be doing right now?"

"John," Deanna answered indignantly. "I am a ship's counselor. That is what I do."

"But are you happy doing it?"

"I love my job. It's who I am. It's what I'm good at."

"I don't doubt that you are, far and away, the finest ships counselor in Star Fleet," John told her, "but right here, right now…"

"You don't think I can do my job." Deanna finished for him.

"Honestly, I don't know if you can or can't, but I think that you aren't." Deanna gasped at his harsh criticism. "And I think that you are really struggling with some personal issues right now," he continued without allowing her to interrupt or defend herself. Deanna just sat by his side, her head low as she tired to keep her composure. She was suddenly speechless, so John continued. "I am not questioning your abilities, Deanna. I swear I'm not. But Dea, sometimes everybody needs to take a hard look at themselves, and decide if they need a break."

"What are you saying, John?"

"I'm saying that this isn't you and it hasn't been you for months. The minute you started these fertility treatments, you seem to have lost a part of yourself, the part of you that was best at your job."

Deanna jumped off the couch and began to walk up and down in front of where John remained seated, breathing deeply but rapidly. "So it's the treatments, or my job?" she asked him accusingly.

John sat steadily holding her gaze.

"Does Will know you are doing this?" Deanna asked almost desperately struggling to control her rage. John only nodded and Deanna felt something in her soul shut down. Her husband had sent his first officer to relieve her of duty…. She could feel her hands begin to shake and her head swim.

"I'm not going to stop now. We are so close. I can…"

"Deanna, stop." John stood up and stood next to her. " Don't. You don't have to be perfect. You don't have to be able to do everything. You have a medical problem for which you are receiving medical treatment. I didn't come here to tell you to give up on having a baby. That is none of my business."

"Then what?" Deanna's voice was a whisper.

"Take a medical leave. Give yourself the time you need. Then you come back. There is nothing wrong with that."

The tears refused to stay in her eyes and rolled down her cheeks. "And if I don't?" she whispered hearing the shake in her own voice.

"Take the leave, Deanna. Don't put him in that position. It's the best thing to do. Get better, get pregnant and come back, stronger, better. It's all we want."

Deanna was sitting on the edge of the couch when Will walked into their quarters. Dinner sat on the table with Deanna's comm. badge thrown next to Will's plate. He walked in and immediately took in the scene and squared his shoulders and turned to face his wife. The look on his face was determined, but his emotions were a combination of anger and guilt. "Deanna," he began.

But Deanna raised a hand to stop him. Her body was shaking with fury. "I requested medical leave. You should have the paperwork tomorrow morning." Her voice was stony cold.

"I never meant…"

"I'm going to bed." Deanna stood and walked quickly into her bedroom.

"What do you want from me Deanna? I didn't want it to come to this. What did you want me to do?"

Deanna turned to face him as she stood in the doorway. "Nothing Captain. I didn't expect anything. But as the ship's counselor, at least until tomorrow morning, might I recommend that the next time you want to relieve a member of your senior staff from command, that you get your ass off the bridge and do it yourself," she spat and stormed into the bedroom. It was the first of many nights that Will slept on the couch.

Standing in the bathroom of her guest quarters on the Enterprise, Deanna rubbed the location of the hypo injection with the heel of her hand and let her long deep blue skirt fall back down as she shook her head to clear it of all the memories of the past year. With a long sigh, Deanna headed out of her quarters heading for the officers lounge and an evening of poker with old friends.


	6. Chapter 6

Disclaimer: Incredibly enough, I still do not own Star Trek TNG, or any of the original characters.

"Hey counselor, I was beginning to think that you stood us up," Geordi say rising from the poker table to greet Deanna as she entered the officer's lounge.

"I'm sorry. I lost track of time," Deanna apologized and sat down in the empty chair between Beverly and Worf. "So, what did I miss?"

"Nothing yet. Worf was just about to deal."

"Deanna," Worf's booming voice interjected. "It is good to see you," but there was something disingenuous in his tone of voice as if he were covering something.

"Is it?" Deanna asked.

Worf scowled. "_It is_ good to see you." He sounded more sincere this time. "However I read in the ship's logs that you arrived on a Ullian freighter." Deanna sighed. Couldn't they just let it go? It was over and done with. "I am displeased that Captain Riker would show such disregard for you."

Deanna's eyebrows raised as did a few others at the table. Worf, though, had said his piece and went back to dealing the cards. Deanna thought somehow that she would have felt vindicated, having her friends as upset with her husband as she was, like her own personal lynch mob. But instead she, in spite of everything that had happened, felt a need to defend him. Perhaps it was out of habit. Perhaps she was more loyal than she even thought she was, but she couldn't stop herself. "How I travel is my choice, Commander, not his. I am a grown adult, I make my own choices and the only thing Captain Riker would regret is if he got in my way," Deanna told him determinedly. With that, everyone began to look at their cards except Worf, who looked at Deanna as she nodded slightly as if to ask if he understood that this was a conversation that she was NOT going to have. He nodded slightly in return.

"Well, however you got here, " Beverly broke in. "I'm just glad you're here."

The rest of the group nodded and smiled at her. "Counselor," Data indicated Lieutenant Forbs, a younger man with short black hair and small deep brown eyes. "You have met our new security chief?"

"Actually," Deanna extended her hand. "I don't believe that I have. But I have heard so much about you, that I feel like I have." Lieutenant Forbs took her hand and shook it politely. "It's nice to meet you." Deanna continued.

"It's a pleasure, Mrs. Riker. I have also heard my share about you, and your husband," he added. "Please call me David."

"And I'm Deanna. Mrs. Riker makes me feel old and grandmother like."

"Well I'd call you Counselor, but it might hurt Sean's feelings," he said with a grin. "He is so very fond of his title and how he gets to psychoanalyze the rest of us and tell us we are not as well rounded as we should be." David was clearly teasing his friend and Sean, seated next to him was rolling his eyes as David elbowed him in the ribs.

"Ignore these two. They really enjoy taking digs at one another." Geordi told her with a wink.

"Or the rest of us." Worf added.

"So I see who took over as the joker of the group." Deanna replied. Will had always been the one to keep the senior staff laughing, even if it meant pulling a little prank, but his shoes had clearly been filled in that way.

Beverly nodded in agreement. "And unfortunately, he is almost as good at poker."

"Are you kidding?" The security chief asked her. "You kicked my butt last week and I left here with my tail between my legs." He turned his attention to Deanna. "Don't listen to her. She's good. And Worf, you never know with him, he's just always mad, even when he's not."

Deanna smiled and laughed softly at the camaraderie of this new senior staff of the Enterprise as they laughed and teased each other light heartedly while playing cards late into the night.

"Haven't played a hand in two years," Geordi muttered as Deanna won her third hand in a row. "You are going to clean me out, Lady." He took his remaining chips and restacked them. "Just admit it. You and Will sit around and play poker every night, don't you?"

"I am sure that the captain of the Titan has more important things to attend to." Worf argued.

"I don't know. Will has always enjoyed a good hand of poker." Geordi replied.

"Maybe it all depends on who he's playing with," Beverly wiggled her eyebrows.

Deanna tried to smile politely, but the conversation dwelling on her husband was making her uncomfortable. "Well, I think I'll head home." The group broke into a chorus of no's and stay's, but Deanna continued. "It's late and I'm tired. You all keep playing." She stood up to go. "Thank you all for letting me intrude. It was great fun."

"You know, I'm a bit tired myself." Sean Patterson said standing as well. "Would you mind if I walked you home?"

Deanna nodded and the two headed out of the room and into the quiet corridor. An awkward silence seemed to envelop them until Sean spoke. "Counselor," he began, "Deanna." He slowed his step as they were nearing her quarters. "I know that I don't know you that well, but I can't shake the feeling that this is not a simple holiday to earth that you are on."

Deanna tried again to smile at her replacement. Why had she picked such a perceptive officer? "I'm fine," she offered, but his face fell into a concerned expression. "It is personal and I am working on it," she confessed, clearly unable to fool him.

"If you wanted to talk…" he continued. "I know you have been confiding in the captain. He seems truly concerned about you. But there was a whole room full of your closest friends tonight and…"

"I have it under control."

"Well, if you change your mind,"

Deanna began to step away from him as they neared the door to her quarters. "I know where your office is," She finished for him. "I remember. It used to be mine." She stepped to her door and it opened in front of her. "Good night," she said and disappeared inside.

Beverly sat in her office in sickbay going over medical inventories. The reports were necessary, as they were due to doc at Earth's McKinley station in three days for a major refit and stocking of all needed supplies. That, however, did not make it less tedious. Sickbay was quiet with no patients to treat, nothing to distract Beverly from the mountains of files that lay in front of her. She could hear several of her staff chatting as they each went about their own inventory duties. _At least they have someone to chat with,_ Beverly thought as she caught a few words of the nearest conversation. She could distinguish Alyssa Ogowa's voice talking to one of her newer medical assistants, Ensign Wheeler.

"That's what I heard," ensign Wheeler was saying.

"I don't know," Alyssa responded. "I knew them both a long time and I just can't see the captain doing that."

"Well, why do you think she's here?"

"It could be anything."

"Well, I'm telling you. My roommate at the academy is serving on the Titan in engineering. She told me that it's the buzz of the ship. Apparently its been going on for several months now."

Alyssa gasped quietly. "I just don't believe it. I was at their wedding. I haven't ever seen two people more right for each other."

Beverly sat in her office, her ears tuned in to the conversation going on outside her door.

"He was always so enamored with her."

"Well, he was also apparently enamored with his chief engineer."

The conversation fell quiet for a moment.

"You know the worst part?"

"There's something worse?"

"Apparently she is on some kind of a medical leave. Is there anything worse? I mean she's clearly sick with some kind of medical problem and her husband is sleeping with his chief engineer. And the whole ship knows about it… I would have left him too. I hope she divorces him."

"How sad."

"I know."

"It's just so awful."

"I guess it happens."

"I just can't imagine them…" Alyssa trailed of.

Beverly's mind was whirling. They must have been talking about Will and Deanna. Her first thought was that this girl had no idea what she was talking about, but as her mind wrapped around what she was hearing, something clicked in her head. Deanna had left Will? He had been having an affair with his chief engineer? Was it possible? It made a lot of the things Deanna had said and how she was acting make sense. _But why would she not have told me? Wouldn't she have talked to me?_

"I wonder if she's the first, or just the latest conquest," she heard her medical assistant say and it was the end of her rope. She would not tolerate it. Before she could think of what she would do, she was up, out of her office and standing in front of the two women.

"I assume, Ensign, since you clearly have so much time to concentrate on others personal lives that you do not find your work challenging. Perhaps while we are on Earth, I could use my contacts to find you a more challenging assignment to fill your time. Perhaps a class two medical freighter would be more satisfying. Would you like me to look into that for you, Ensign?" Her voice was bordering on yelling and she hoped that she had made the threat clear, _shut up or get out of my sickbay!_

"No, Sir." The Ensign kept her eyes down.

"Then I expect your brain to be doing more work than your mouth."

"Yes sir." Both women responded in unison, and Beverly turned and was out the door.

She had to find Deanna. How could she not have known? How badly must Deanna have been hurting, and no one was there to help her! She charged to the turbo lift and barked,

"Deck 9."

Her mind was still churning and her breathing was rapid with her sudden surge of adrenalin. Why would she not have told someone, anyone… and then it was if a light came on in her swimming brain. When Deanna had come aboard, Jean Luc had told her that he had spoken to Will and that he had asked him to escort Deanna to Earth…It wasn't what he had said as much as it was the tone in his voice, or the way his eyes had shifted away from hers when he had said it… and in an instant Beverly changed her mind and destination. She needed information, not to mention to voice a little frustration.

"Computer- halt. Locate Captain Picard."

"Captain Picard is on the bridge."

"Computer, change destination. Bridge."

When the forward turbo lift doors opened Beverly charged onto the bridge and found Data and Worf standing in the middle of the command center discussing something, but they both paused and looked to the doctor.

"The captain?" Beverly asked curtly.

Both Data and Worf looked from Beverly to the door of the captain's ready room. She nodded and walked to the door almost punching the chime.

"Come," the captain's voice rang as the doors opened.

"What is Deanna doing here?" Beverly asked as the doors closed behind her.

Jean Luc looked up from his desk with a puzzled expression, but when he saw Beverly's face, he knew she knew, maybe just enough to be dangerous, but she knew something. He simply raised his brow, but did not respond.

"Will asked you to escort her to Earth? What does that mean?"

"What do you think it means?" Jean Luc asked her cautiously.

"I want to know what's going on." Beverly tapped her foot while she waited. "She is my friend!" She tried again.

"Doctor, sit down," Jean Luc urged, indicating a chair in front of her.

"Don't you doctor me, Jean Luc Picard. This is not about Star Fleet. This is about my friends, our friends." She pointed her finger at him as she spoke.

"What _is it_ that brings you _here_?" Jean Luc again tried to calm her indicating the chair.

Beverly huffed and sat, a little resentfully, in the chair. "What brings me here? Well let's see…I just listened to one of my medical assistants gossiping to my staff that Will Riker is having an affair with his chief engineer." Jean Luc blew out his exhale and slumped his shoulders in his chair. "And that Deanna left him. And that she is on medical leave? What medical leave? Why does my medical assistant know more about my friends than I do?"

"Just because someone says something is, it does not make it so," Jean Luc cautioned her.

"Alright," Beverly said leaning forward and putting her elbows on the captain's desk. "Why is Deanna here?"

"She chose to leave the Titan and take a leave to Earth."

"Are she and Will alright?"

Jean Luc tightened his facial expression and then shook his head ever so slightly. Then he sighed and leaned toward Beverly. "No. I don't think they are."

"Is he having an affair?"

"I only know what I have been told."

"And what have you been told?"

"He admitted that he had an inappropriate relationship with this woman."

"What the HELL does that mean?"

Jean Luc only shrugged.

"And Deanna knows?" she asked. He nodded. "And she left him?"

"She left the Titan, yes," Jean Luc replied.

"Why didn't she tell me?" Beverly asked desperately.

"She was hoping to keep this from becoming public knowledge," Jean Luc sighed.

"But she told you," she said almost vindictively.

"Will told me. I am sure it was not his first choice. If it makes it any better, I think he wants to fix it, to work on it, but she wanted to leave and he wanted to respect her wishes."

Beverly sat quietly for a moment, thinking about the last four days with her friend. "Do you have any idea how many absolutely stupid comments I have made in the last few days?"

"Oh, if it makes you feel better, I doubt seriously that it has just been you."

"It just never occurred to me, it never, I just…" She tried to continue but was tripping over her words. "What happened to them, Jean Luc?"

"I think they have been through a hard year or so and I think some things got a little out of hand. I do not believe that Will would ever maliciously hurt Deanna."

"But he has," Beverly answered.

Jean Luc nodded. "Undoubtedly."

Deanna sat in her quarters, alone in the quiet, watching the stars. She had taken a walk with Alexander that morning and talked to him about how he felt being back on the Enterprise. It was the closest thing to counseling that she had done in months and she was surprised how fulfilled it made her feel. Maybe she was starting to get her feet back under her. Maybe she was starting to feel more like herself. And the more she thought about it, it was like she could feel herself starting to emerge from a long sleep. She leaned back against the arm of the couch, feeling more at peace with herself than she had in a long time, when without even meaning to, she began so sense chaotic emotions coming from nearby. Something about the person seemed so familiar, but they were clearly upset and feeling badly. It was intriguing to her, to pick up so well on someone's emotions so easily when for so long it had been such a struggle. She thought about getting up and seeing if she could find whoever it was when the chime sounded at her door. In an instant that familiar sensation of the emotion clicked in Deanna's mind, like recognizing an old friend.

"Come in Beverly," Deanna called and when the door opened, Beverly was shocked to find Deanna smiling. "Ah," she sighed closing her eyes and smiling to herself.

"Are you alright?" Beverly asked, puzzled by Deanna's peaceful expression.

"I think I will be," Deanna answered. Something in her life was finally clicking back into place. Then, concentrating back to Beverly's frenzied emotions she motioned for Beverly to sit down next to her. "What is it Beverly? Why are you upset?"

Beverly had just sat when she jumped back up and began talking vigorously with her hands. "Why am I upset? I don't know. You tell me. You seem….you seem fine! What is wrong here?"

Deanna stared back at her friend, startled. Then she realized what Beverly must have been talking about and she slumped back against her seat. Any moment of peace was gone. There was only the harsh reality of her life. "Sit down, Beverly. Let's talk. Where would you like to start?"

"How about we start over," Beverly offered as she took her seat again on the couch.

"What are you doing here Dea?"

Deanna took a deep breath. "What have you heard? And from where?"

"You probably don't want to know where." Deanna nodded her agreement, but allowed Beverly to continue. "I heard that you are running away from your husband. That you are getting a divorce, that he's having an affair with his chief engineer. That's about it, I guess… Oh, that you are on a medical leave?"

Deanna nodded again. "Well, let's start there. I took a medical leave two months ago because of the hormone treatments."

"It was _that _bad?" Beverly asked.

Deanna nodded. "I tried to keep working, but I decided to take the leave before Will had to remove me from command."

"He wouldn't have done that, Deanna."

"Yes, Beverly. He would have. He basically did." Beverly's shoulders fell and her forehead furrowed. "And he was right." Deanna hated to admit it, but it was true. "It was the right choice, it was the best choice he could have made and I feel awful for putting him in that situation." Deanna looked down at the couch cushion and absent mindedly started twisting her wedding ring around on her finger.

"Oh, Deanna. I'm so sorry. I had no idea the treatments were affecting you like that."

"You couldn't have known. But it's been so hard. I just kept thinking, another month, one more cycle…I'll be pregnant, we'll be done with this. But it never happened."

"Well, not yet," Beverly offered.

"No, Beverly. It's never going to happen. I'm done. I have 14 more hypos in a drawer in there," she waved her hand towards the bathroom, "and it's over. I'm done. I can't do it anymore. I wanted it so badly that I didn't care what I was risking. I thought if I could push through it, I could fix the rest later. My job, my marriage. Now I don't have anything left but those stupid vials of hormones. I have destroyed the things that were most important to me, and what do I have to show for it? No job, no marriage, no baby."

Beverly sat next to her stunned speechless.

"I pushed him away Beverly. I yelled at him every day. One minute, I'm crying, then I'm angry, then I just want to be left alone. And he took it. For months, he just took it. He tried to give me whatever I needed and I told him every day that it wasn't good enough. He asked me what I was willing to give up, that he felt like he was loosing me, but I didn't listen. I never heard what he was saying to me."

"Did he have an affair?" Beverly asked in a whisper. Deanna never looked up at her from spinning her ring, but nodded. "That is not alright, Deanna. I don't care what you did or said. You told me that you decided to do this together. The fact that it got hard, doesn't mean that he gets to call it quits and walk away." Beverly finished her rant and waited for Deanna to respond, but she did not. "Did you know?" she asked, with her voice returning to the whisper of the moment before.

"Yes… no… I don't know," Deanna said throwing her arms up in question. "I was the crazy girl on hormones. Maybe I thought. Maybe… Maybe I was just too afraid to find out."

"What happened Deanna?"

Deanna sighed heavily. "I was so angry with him. I felt forced into this medical leave. Like he didn't want me around, like he didn't trust me. I was in such a rage most of the time, that he just didn't come home." Deanna paused and took a few deep breaths before continuing. "I knew he spent some time with her. I guess I knew that. I never really cared for her much, I guess. Even when we first met. I don't know. I was just starting the hormone therapy and I guess I thought maybe it was me, that I was just reading her wrong. She just rubbed me the wrong way, you know?" Beverly nodded and Deanna continued. "But I could never quite put my finger on it." Deanna paused again. "Will always said she was a good engineer, that she would give Geordi a run for his money."

Deanna leaned forward to put her head in her hands and Beverly rubbed her back reassuringly. "He went on an away mission with her a while ago, he was gone for a few days alone with her…he missed my ovulation cycle, but I think that was purposeful. It was something with the dylithium crystals, or something," she shrugged with her hands and lifted her head and looked at her friend. "I would guess that was when it started. I don't really know, but it's a reasonable bet, I've decided. There was just this terrible distance between us, and he was home as little as possible. At the time, I knew things were bad and in my worst moments I wondered where he was sleeping when he didn't come home. But I just thought that was the one thing he would _never_ do, especially not with a member of his crew. There was a line and he knew better than to cross it, or even get close to it."

The two women sat is silence for a moment, lost in their own thoughts.

"So he was sleeping with her? He told you that? Because the captain made it sound…"

Beverly stopped when Deanna got a cross look on her face. "I went to him first, when I heard. I just…" but she stopped again.

"He had an inappropriate relationship." Deanna said.

"Yeah," Beverly answered. "That's the line I got." Deanna nodded in response. "What the hell does that mean?" Beverly asked for the second time that day.

Deanna shrugged. "He says he didn't. I'm sure something physical happened, but he didn't go into the details. But he said he didn't have sex with her." Deanna sounded deflated as she spoke to her friend.

"And do you believe him?" Beverly asked cautiously.

"I really don't know. After he told me, I spent the next few days trying to figure out what I believed and what I didn't. Do you know what I figured out?" Deanna asked. "That it didn't matter if he slept with her or not. It was an emotional affair, if nothing else, and somehow, that hurt the most."

"What do you mean, an emotional affair?"

"I mean, this wasn't some sex driven, caught up in the heat of the moment thing. She was his friend, and he cared for her. They had a whole relationship with each other. When he wanted to talk to someone, he went to her. When there was something good in his life, he shared it with her. That is a whole different level of intimacy that I just wasn't prepared for. Maybe he wasn't having sex with her, but even still, he had a relationship with her that he kept from me, that I wasn't a part of. It still hurts."

"How do you know that was what it was like? Maybe it wasn't."

"It was," Deanna said with horrible confidence. "About a week before he told me about it, I found a necklace in his things…" Deanna began to choke up as she related the events to her friend. It was still so painful. "It was beautiful and simple, a shallow chain, with a light purple stone right in the center. It had a note with it. It said something about him being sorry that he had been so difficult and that he would make it up to her. It was signed 'My love, Will.'…" Deanna began to cry and Beverly put her arms around her. "I thought it was for me when I found it," Deanna cried into Beverly's shoulder. "I thought how sweet he was to say those things. I thought he was trying to make it better between us…but a few days after I saw it in his drawer, we were at this banquet and she came up and started to talk to him and when she leaned over to pick up something, I saw the necklace. She was wearing it, and then I just knew."

"What did you do?" Beverly asked pulling back from Deanna to see her face.

"I told her that her necklace was beautiful."

"No, you didn't."

"What should I have done? She told me that a good friend gave it to her. Then I went home and ransacked through Will's things to make sure it was the same necklace, but I already knew it was."

"Then what?" Beverly gasped.

Deanna just shrugged.

"Did you confront him?"

"No," Deanna whispered.

"Why not?" Beverly demanded.

Deanna wiped a tear from her chin. "Beverly, did you ever have to look at your husband and ask if he was in love with someone else?" she asked. Beverly only shook her head. "I couldn't ask, I couldn't. What if he had said yes?" The tears began again to flow freely.

"So what did you do?" Beverly asked her.

"Nothing. I didn't do anything. I sat there and tried to figure out how to fight for my husband, for my marriage… if there was anything left there to fight for."

"Deanna…" Beverly sighed.

"And then one night he came home almost charging in the door. He looked shaken, upset…I'm not sure what. But he told me that we needed to talk, that he needed to tell me what had happened. He said he crossed the line, but that he hadn't meant to hurt me and that he wanted to fix it, to make it better, whatever it took. He told me that people on the ship knew, and that he would publicly apologize if I wanted him to. He said that he would do whatever I wanted. He told me he would even have his first officer file a reprimand in his record if I wanted him to."

"And what did you say?"

Deanna just shook her head, "I had to get off that ship, Beverly. I just had to."

"So now what?" Beverly asked.

"Now I go to Earth. I regroup and figure out what to do from here."

"Like what? Divorce?"

"I don't know Beverly. I don't know. For all I know he is still seeing her. Maybe once he has had some time and space, he will know what he wants better. Maybe we both will."

Beverly just shook her head. "I don't know what to say, Deanna. I'm so sorry. What can I do?"

"Well I was hoping that I could make it to Earth before the gossip got to the Enterprise, but it doesn't sound like it. So, now for now I will just keep to myself. Another 68 hours and we will be there and I will be alone in Alaska. I'll manage. Actually I am finally starting to feel like I am getting a little handle on things," Deanna added thinking back to how she had sensed Beverly so well as she approached. "I don't know what will come next, Beverly. But for the first time, I am starting to feel like I will get through it. Maybe I can find a way for Will and I to get back what we lost. If not, I need to come up with a plan for my life. First I need to decide what I want."

Beverly had stayed talking with Deanna for hours. She still was stunned with what she had heard. It seemed unfathomable to her. In the morning she joined the rest of the senior staff in the observation lounge to report on the ships readiness to dock at McKinley station.

After the full ship review, Jean Luc gave a quick nod. "We have 52 hours to space doc."

"Don't worry Captain. We'll get it done," Geordi responded.

"If there's nothing else," the captain concluded, "Dismissed."

With that, members of the senior staff began to rise. "Actually Captain," Lieutenant Forbs stood at the far end of the table. "I have something, but I would not call it ships business." The group turned and gave him their attention. "I heard some, well… gossip from some of my officers yesterday. It seems that one of my officers is dating a medical assistant who heard someone else in sickbay…" he cleared his throat. "Anyway. It was about Mrs. Riker." He waited to see if anyone would stop him, but no one spoke. "They said that she is divorcing her husband, that he is seeing someone else. It's not that it's any of my business, but I know that you all are her friends. It just seemed like she could use her friends right now. That's it." Lieutenant Forbs nodded to the original members of the senior staff and turned and left the lounge.

Beverly had finished her work and needed to relax for a bit. She thought about checking on Deanna, but decided to go to ten forward instead. As she entered the lounge, she saw Worf nursing a drink at a table in the middle of the room. "May I join you?" Beverly asked him. Worf only nodded, and Beverly took a seat opposite him.

"I am not sure that I would be considered to be good company this evening, Doctor," Worf warned her.

"I don't know. I'm mad at a friend of mine, and disappointed in him and I'm mad at another friend for not trusting me enough to tell me her problems. So, you tell me. Am I in good company?"

Worf nodded. "I have been analyzing the needed distance and trajectory to fire a weapon at the Titan and injure no one but her captain."

"And what have you decided?" Beverly asked.

"That there are too many variables," Worf answered without a hint of humor. "And that hand to hand combat would be more gratifying," he added with a snarl.

"Can I come?" Beverly asked.

Worf looked surprised, but nodded and took a drink from his glass. The two sat in a comfortable silence for a few minutes when Geordi came in and without asking, sat down at the table. A waiter brought him a drink and the three sat together in solemn silence. A few more minutes passed before Data entered Ten Forward and approached the table.

"May I join you?" Data asked indicating the last vacant seat at the table.

"We are conspiring as to how most effectively incapacitate the Titan's captain," Beverly offered as Data sat down.

"You know I saw him about a month ago on Starbase 89, when the captain and I were acquisitioning the terra field converters. She was there with him. What's her name?"

"Lieutenant Commander Linsy McKenna," Data offered.

"Mac," Beverly added.

"Well, they were eating together. I didn't see it. The captain did, but I didn't. He asked me if I thought something was odd. I don't know. Maybe I didn't want to see it. Maybe I didn't even think it was possible."

"It should not have been possible. It is certainly not honorable," Worf interjected.

"It is possible that we do not have the correct information from which to draw a conclusion," Data spoke hopefully.

But Beverly answered him. "No Data. Our information is pretty right on. I talked to her last night.

The three men sighed and they continued their silent camaraderie.

"Is she alright?" Geordi asked.

"I don't know," Beverly answered. "She said that she would be. She said she needs to

figure out what she wants."

The four officers sat together for another hour, each lost in their own emotions, but together, nonetheless.


	7. Chapter 7

Disclaimer- I don't own any of the characters that you have ever heard of before. The ones out of my head, I'll take credit for.

Deanna slung her bag onto her shoulder and walked out into the corridors of the Enterprise heading for transporter room 2. The ship had docked at McKinley station a few hours before and she had been notified that it would be her turn to disembark in about 15 minutes. She had packed carefully, making sure that the PADD Will had given her with the directions to his house was within easy reach, as well as the key. She had never been to Alaska before. She had tried to dress appropriately for whatever weather and social atmosphere she might find when she arrived, with brown leather boots, form fitting jeans and a loose draping cream turtleneck sweater. Her hair was loose around her shoulders and she tucked her curls behind her ears as she strode through the corridors.

"Deanna!" She heard someone call as she neared the turbo lift. She turned and found Geordi and Data coming up to her.

"Oh, hello," Deanna replied. She had been keeping mostly to herself the last few days, though each of her friends had tried to reach out to her in their own way.

"We just wanted to say good bye," Geordi spoke softly as he came to her side.

Deanna smiled slightly in return.

"Have a safe trip, Counselor," Data added.

"Thank you both," Deanna gave each of them a quick hug. "I will be fine, I promise."

"Dr. Crusher said that you were heading to Alaska?" Geordi asked. Deanna nodded. "I have heard it is pretty rustic in spots."

"Turner is just across the bay from Valdez. I don't think it is exactly wilderness untamed," she assured him.

"Well, still…If you need anything," Geordi offered.

"Where will you be going while the Enterprise is in space dock?" Deanna asked Geordi.

"I'll be right here. They are messing with my engines. Better believe I will be supervising every minute of it."

"Oh, Geordi. Promise me that you will at least take a day or two. Do something fun," Deanna encouraged him.

Geordi nodded. "Okay, I'll think about it. My dad and sister are hoping to be able to meet up with me in San Francisco. That should be good," he shrugged. But Deanna shook her head. "Maybe," Geordi continued, "I could be persuaded to do some sight seeing along the north west coast…" he shrugged again.

Deanna chuckled. "You are invited. Contact me when your new warp core is all installed and tucked in safe and sound and we will take a day. Of course I have never been there before so I won't be much of a guide…"

"Well then it will just be the blind leading the blind," Geordi added. Deanna paused uncomfortably, unsure of what to make of his pun. "Lighten up, Counselor," Geordi smiled and patted her upper arm. Deanna chuckled again at his easygoing nature. "If you need anything in the meantime, you know where to find me. Okay?"

Deanna nodded and leaned in and placed a kiss on his cheek. "What about you Data?" Deanna asked.

"I will be overseeing the first 10 days of the retrofit and then will be giving a series of guest lectures at Oxford."

"Good for you, Data," Deanna commented reaching out and squeezing his hand. "I'm proud of you."

"Thank you Counselor." He responded. "I would also be more comfortable if I knew that you could easily contact the Enterprise if you are in need of anything." Data reached out his hand and opened his palm to reveal a comm. badge.

"Data, the house has a communication system, and a replicator. Will says it is a little limited, but I really think I will be fine."

Deanna heard the turbo lift doors open behind her as she spoke, and Worf stepped out and walked up close behind her. With a look at Data's hand Worf gave a nod. "Deanna, we have all agreed," he added looking from the comm. badge to Deanna.

Deanna sighed. "It is 28 minutes by transport to San Francisco," she tried again to assure them. "Thank you, all of you," she glanced to each of them, "I feel incredibly well cared for, but it is all unnecessary. I promise!"

"Then just humor us," Geordi took the comm. badge from Data's hand and placed it on Deanna's bag. "What will it hurt to have it with you? And we will all rest better."

"Fine, okay," Deanna consented. "What did I ever do to have three body guards like you?" Again she hugged each of them. "I have to go."

"Take care of yourself," Geordi spoke for the group.

Deanna gave a quick wave and disappeared into the turbo lift. She was running slightly behind now and picked up her pace as she arrived on deck 14. Her strides increased with every step, but she could feel someone behind her, trying to gain on her.

"Arrives without warning, leaves without saying good bye…" Beverly called to her. "Keeps to herself. I'm beginning to wonder if we are even friends," she finished as she caught up to Deanna and put her arm around her shoulders. She spoke more softly. "Are you sure about this being alone thing? I have two more days of duty and then we could go to a spa somewhere or something."

Deanna shook her head at her friend. "I am sure. I want to go. And don't worry. The guys have already given me a communicator incase the Northwest communication grid were to go down, or something. I'll be fine."

"Okay," Beverly shrugged begrudgingly. "But check in every once in a while, alright? I want to know that you are doing okay mentally," she told Deanna reaching out and tapping on her head.

"Okay, I will." Beverly didn't look convinced. "I promise! Now, I have to get to the transporter room." Deanna gave Beverly a quick hug in the corridor and waved as she rounded the corner and headed for the transporter room door. It opened obediently in front of her and she saw the captain waiting near the command console. "So much for simple goodbyes," Deanna sighed to herself.

"Your late," the captain told her.

"Your senior staff is persistent," she answered him and he nodded in agreement.

Jean Luc pointed to the comm. badge pinned onto her bag. "I see Data and Geordi found you."

Deanna nodded. "And Worf. Then Beverly stopped me in the hall."

"You cannot accuse them of being uncaring," he told her.

"Or subtle."

Jean Luc glanced around the room, "Well, then I suppose it is my turn."

Deanna raised her hand between them. "No, Captain. Let me first. Thank you, for everything this last week." Jean Luc looked away embarrassed, but Deanna continued. "For your listening ear and your compassion." She tried to meet his eyes. "And your hospitality."

When she finished he did make eye contact with her and placed his hands on each of her shoulders. "I hope that you know how I feel about you," he told her.

Deanna hugged him tightly and whispered in his ear, "I love you very much as well. Thank you."

He nodded and pulled away to look at her face. "You can get a hold of me if you want to talk. I will be here for the next two days before I take some shore leave."

Deanna smiled, clearly pleased. "And where will you be going?"

"Nowhere… home." He spoke awkwardly. "Please don't analyze my decisions."

"I wouldn't dare."

"You know how to reach me there?" He asked.

Deanna nodded. "I think I remember. But don't worry. I'll be fine."

Jean Luc spoke rushed and quietly. "I spoke to Will yesterday."

Deanna had turned to head to the transporter pad but froze in her place and then turned back to face him, but said nothing.

"He wanted to know how you were doing." He waited for a response, but did not get one, so he continued. "And to say thank you. I told him that you would be arriving today." Again he paused and waited. "He said to tell you that he loves you."

Deanna felt as though her heart would break in her chest, but she only nodded slightly. "I will send him a message once I have arrived." She replied.

Jean Luc stepped back to the control panel and Deanna moved on to the pad. "Have a safe trip, Deanna." Jean Luc told her, and then added. "I hope you find what you are looking for."

Deanna smiled weakly at him and waved before the beam encapsulated her and she was gone.

Deanna was surprised by the bustle of the Valdez transportation center. It was busier than she had pictured. It was quite a metropolis, not the small town she had imagined in her head. She took in the scene. She could see the large bay to her left and decided to head that direction. She walked through the streets, looking at the shops and offices. Eateries were scattered along the piers as she approached the water and she could see the boats bobbing on the water. There were private piers with recreational vessels and there were more commercial piers, but Deanna let herself flow with the easiest traffic pattern and ended up at a dock for what appeared to be a ferry.

"Excuse me," she spoke to a young man who was clearly an employee of the dock. "I am trying to get to Turner?"

The dockworker looked up at her and then over his shoulder. He pointed across the bay. "That's it there," he told her pointing at the hills on the other side of the bay. All she could see were tall lush green trees. Then as she looked closer, she could spot a few homes among the trees and the occasional stream of smoke coming from a fire. Her heart leapt. That was more of what she pictured. "Are you a good swimmer?" he asked.

Deanna was yanked back from her assessment of what laid across the bay. "Excuse me?" Deanna asked puzzled and a bit taken aback. "Did you say swim?"

"Sure, it's one way." He said smiling. "But the water's pretty damn cold. I wouldn't recommend it."

Deanna sighed with relief. "Could you recommend a way to get there?" she asked him.

"Other that a long swim, you have two ways from here… there is a ground transporter station over there," he pointed off into the city. "They could rent you a vehicle. It's about an hour drive around the bay and over the mountain peek. Or you can take this ferry," he pointed back over his shoulder at the ferry at the dock. "It leaves in about 20 minutes, and it's a 15 minute trip." He was smiling to himself, clearly pleased with his own sense of humor.

"How do I get a ticket on the ferry?" Deanna asked relieved. He pointed to his right and down a ramp, where she could now clearly see a ticket kiosk. "Thank you." She told him as she walked over to the kiosk to purchase a ticket on the ferry. When she came back up the ramp she saw that the same dockworker was ushering people aboard.

"Sorry about that," he said as he offered her a hand to step aboard. "We don't get many newbies looking to head to Turner."

"Do most people transport directly in?" Deanna asked.

"Not unless they have their own large grade power source. This is the nearest transport facility." He looked Deanna up and down. "Never been to Turner before, have you?" he asked.

Deanna just shook her head.

"Anywhere in Alaska?" he asked a little more insistently.

Deanna shook her head again.

"Well, in that case, enjoy your trip." He said helping her step over the bow and onto the ferry.

Deanna walked around the small ferry to get her bearings and then settled into a seat on the upper deck. The breeze blew in her hair and she took a deep breath as she took in the view including the gray sky overhead. She realized that as more people boarded, that they were talking and nodding at one another. Everyone knew one another. And as they saw her they looked skeptically at her. Uncomfortably, she reached into her bag and began to study the map that Will had made for her. But as the boat began to plow along the water's surface, she could not keep her eyes away from the view. The landscape was breathtaking. The water was amazing. Everything about what she saw made her gasp with its beauty. She knew now why Will fancied making simulations of the landscape in the holodeck. In fact, as she thought about it, some of the features of the landscape seemed familiar to her from Will's simulations. The ferry made the way across the large bay with ease and before Deanna was ready to stop her scanning of the panoramic views, they had arrived.

As they docked, she allowed the other passengers to disembark as she studied the map in her hand. She stood as the last of the passengers stepped onto the dock and she strode towards the bow, trying to exude more confidence than she felt. The same dockworker that had helped her on the Valdez side of the bay helped her step onto the pier. With a nod, he sent her on her way. She watched as the other passengers walked down the pier, stepped onto dry land and headed off, with purpose, toward their own destinations.

Deanna took the step onto dry ground a bit more cautiously, looking around trying again to get her bearings, looking down at the map, trying to grasp a landmark. She took a guess and headed towards what appeared to be the center of town and to the right. She tried to match street names, but was having no success. Coming to an open green, she stopped by a park bench and turned the map side to side to see if she was reading it wrong. She sighed and shook her head. In the back of her mind she tried to calculate the last time that Will would have set foot in Turner himself and began to wonder if it had changed so much over the years that his directions were useless. Again she fervently studied the map, only then noticing the note along the bottom.

_When in doubt, ask Miss Rosemary._

The name sounded familiar. It seemed that she was one of Will's childhood friend's grandmothers. But that still did not help her locate either Will's home, or Miss Rosemary whoever she was. She looked around her again. There was a café along the boardwalk; it looked to be well frequented. There was what appeared to be some sort of a shop, perhaps for fishermen of some kind. There was one pier that led out onto the bay. Along the pier there were 10 or 15 personal boats and on the other side near the end was the ferry that she had arrived on. There were three streets leading away from the pier that she could see. One right, one left and one that led up a steep hill and out of sight. To the right was the green where she now stood. There was a statue of someone in the center of the square and as she looked up and down the streets and towards the nearby shops, she saw just a scattering of people, none of which seemed keen to introduce themselves. Maybe if she headed left the map would start to look familiar. She strode back from where she had come and passed to the left of the pier, but found only a couple of shops before the road narrowed and she could see a house or two before the street turned out of sight. Deanna considered her options and before she could come to a conclusion she felt the rain start to fall.

"Great." Deanna said to no one but herself as she stood in the middle of the street. Defeated she headed back to the ferry and the only person who she had spoken to since arriving. The dockworker stood with a large rope in his hand by the bow of the ferry. He seemed unaffected by the rain that continued to fall.

"Uh oh," he said upon seeing her. "Didn't live up to the hype eh? Well we don't head back to Valdez for another hour." She thought he was teasing her again, but couldn't be sure.

"I don't know where I'm going." She admitted to him. "You don't happen to know someone named Miss Rosemary do you?" she asked hopefully.

The man smiled and raised his eyebrows. "You would be hard pressed to find someone in Turner who doesn't." He pointed towards the café Deanna had spotted earlier. "She'll be in there. I was just going to get her docked and head in for some lunch. If you just wait a moment." He went back to his work and Deanna stood in the rain feeling ridiculous, waiting for him, to do what, she wasn't sure.

After a minute or so, he turned to Deanna, wiped his hands on his pants and held out his hand in the direction of the café. Deanna walked just in front of him, feeling more than a little self-conscious. As they reached the door, he opened it for her. The café was larger than it appeared. About 15 people were inside scattered at different tables eating, but when they looked up at the, now quite wet, stranger; the buzz of conversation ceased. Deanna stood in the door awkwardly with the dockworker behind her. All eyes were on her, but she was not sure what was expected of her. All she could sense from them was curiosity, much like the dockworker behind her. As she glanced around at the other inhabitants of the room an old woman came out from the kitchen.

"Deanna!" She cried. Deanna jumped at both the sudden noise and the sense that this woman knew who she was. The woman put down the coffee pot she had been carrying and shuffled towards Deanna at the door. "Well done Erik. Well done." Deanna glanced back towards the dockworker who smiled at the old woman. The woman came up to Deanna and took her hand. "Didn't you bring a coat?" she asked her.

Deanna looked around the room again, unsure of how to respond. "I have one in my bag." Deanna told her.

"Well, before you leave, you may want to put it on." The old woman nodded and took her hand and led her to a table.

"I'm sorry," Deanna spoke, instead of sitting in the booth as the woman indicated. "I am supposed to find Miss Rosemary," Deanna told her.

The room began to collectively chuckle and Deanna's sense of awkwardness grew. "Well lucky for you," the woman told her. "You have found her. Now sit down, dear. I'll get you some soup to warm you through and you can get dry and then Erik here will show you to your house."

"My house?" Deanna was still feeling confused.

"Erik, you didn't hit her with something in the head did you?" Miss Rosemary asked the dockworker who still stood in the door.

"No Ma'am. I just didn't tell her I knew who she was."

Deanna looked back at him, confused. "I'm sorry," Deanna still stood next to the booth.

"Deanna, dear. I am Rosemary Garret. Everyone calls me Miss Rosemary. This is my café. This here is Erik Lewis. He is the younger brother of Sarah Lewis, an old friend and neighbor of your husband when he was growing up. William called us up over a week ago and said that you were coming here to stay for a bit and that we were to look after you. Now, go ahead and sit down. I have some corn chowder for lunch and some sourdough bread." She placed Deanna in the booth seat and smiled at her. "Erik, sit," Miss Rosemary spoke more firmly. "Having a little fun I see. Your soup can wait." She shook her head and headed back into the kitchen. Slowly the group of people returned to their own conversations, even if they continued to glance at Deanna occasionally. She tried to run her fingers through her damp hair and straighten herself up as she sat and waited for the strong willed old woman to return, which she did faster than Deanna would have thought possible, with a brimming bowl of steaming soup and a large slice of bread on the edge of the bowl.

Miss Rosemary sat across from her. "So, Deanna. Tell me about yourself," she said.

Deanna smiled and dug into the soup. "What would you like to know?" Deanna asked.

"You and William have been married for three years now…" Miss Rosemary started.

Deanna nodded.

"How long have you known William?"

Deanna sighed as she swallowed her soup. "Quite a few years," she answered. "Will and I served together on the Enterprise before we were married. I actually met him a few years before that. How long have you known him?" Deanna asked.

Miss Rosemary laughed heartily. "Oh, I knew William when he was a bump in his mother's belly. He was born over in the medical facility in Valdez. His father and mother lived here in town. His mother is buried in the cemetery on the hill. His father now lies next to her. His parents built this house, where you will be staying. He lived there his whole life until he left for Star Fleet Academy. I fed him at least once a day, usually when he and my grandson Jimmy would come plowing in after getting off the ferry from school, begging for their sweet treats. I got an announcement about your wedding. William said he was proud to call you his wife. He was always a bit of a wild child. I admire your tenacity in turning him into the man he has become."

Deanna had continued to sip at her soup. "I don't know about that," Deanna replied.

"Eat your soup. I'm sure we will have more time to get to know each other. When you're done, Erik will walk you up to the house. His parents live right next door," Miss Rosemary rose from her seat. "Welcome home, dear." She said giving Deanna a quick hug around her shoulders.

Deanna was stunned by her welcome. She had called it her home, more than once. Deanna had never thought about this place as hers, even if by marriage. But here this, as far as she could tell, matriarch of the town was calling it her home, welcoming her home. Deanna was warm tucked in this café, warmed by far more than the soup that she ate. She enjoyed every bite and then looked around.

"Ready?" Erik stood from the counter where he slurped at his own soup.

Deanna nodded as he stood to approach her. She opened her bag to find her purse to pay for her lunch. "Don't bother." He told her, "She won't take your money. And if you don't come back tomorrow, she will bring you something before dark. Just accept it."

Deanna sighed and nodded, then dug through her bag for her coat, as the rain had picked up and continued. She pulled the coat on as they headed for the door, pulling the hood over her head. The wind was blowing lightly as the rain fell. Erik headed out of the café, past the green and the statue and turned left on the first street heading up the hill. Deanna kept up as best she could.

"So you live next door?" she asked.

Erik shook his head. "My sister moved to Valdez about 10 years ago when she got married, and I am living there with her while I am going to school. But our parents still live here. They are not exactly young, so Sarah and I are here a lot to keep an eye on them." He walked up the hill in the rain until they reached the top and there was a row of six houses, three on each side of the road, set back from the street. Most were built out of log and stone. Some appeared larger than others, and forest areas surrounded them. "My parents are here," he indicated a house with beautiful flowers leading up a path to the front door. "They are Don and Mary, if you need anything." They continued walking to the far side of his parents' home where a beautifully rustic looking cabin sat tucked back against the tree line. The steps that led to the door were made of stone and there was a beautiful wrap around porch leading as far as she could see on all sides. It was two stories with large windows and shudders along the front. "This is your house," he told her.

Deanna shook her head slightly. "This is Will's," she almost whispered. It was so different from any of the four homes that her family held on Betazed.

"You're his wife, right?" Erik asked.

Deanna nodded her head, dropping her eyes to her now rain soaked boots.

"Well around here, that makes it yours."

Deanna reached into her bag and retrieved the key as she walked up the stone steps of the porch. She slipped the key into the lock and heard it click as she turned the knob and the door slowly swung open.

Her eyes began to scan the room. A large stone fireplace dominated the front room. There were several couches and chairs, all black leather and overstuffed. Each one had a blanket or throw folded and draped across it's back. Deanna noticed the amounts of wood and leather throughout what she could see of the home and knew that this had reflected Kyle Riker's taste, especially in the last few years that he lived here before he died.

"The kitchen is in there," Erik said pointing to the doorway on her left. There is a replicator. But it's a little…"

"Basic," Deanna finished. "Will told me. Will and his father both love to cook. And I'm not half bad at it."

"Good," Erik replied. "Sarah was out a couple of days ago and stocked up the house with whatever we could think of. We know you are from a different planet, so we didn't know what kind of stuff you would like."

Deanna realized that if Erik had been born and raised here in this town, she must seem strange to him. "I'm sure whatever is here is fine. I'm not that picky. Besides, I am half human."

He looked at her with surprise. "Sarah said that you were a telepath."

"No, only an empath. Don't worry. I don't go around reading anyone's minds. I leave that up to my mother," Deanna said walking into the kitchen to look around.

"Wow, I thought _my_ mom was a pain that way," Erik told her as he followed her into the kitchen. "The replicator is over there and the communication system is there by the desk over by the table in the window." The kitchen was large with granite counters and a large bay window looking out onto the forest behind the house. The table was tucked into the window bay and past that was a wood desk and a small hall leading to a bedroom and bathroom. The bedroom was fairly plain. The bed was made out of logs and there was a dresser and a large chest at the foot of the bed. There was a window that looked out onto the porch and the small yard and forest beyond. Deanna walked through each room quickly and headed back to the kitchen where Erik waited for her.

"There are two more rooms upstairs."

"Which room was Will's?" She asked before she could stop herself.

Erik shrugged his shoulders. "I was just a kid when he left. I don't remember. But from what Sarah and my parents have said, if his dad lived upstairs, I would guess he lived down here," he said pointing to the room she had just come from. Deanna nodded. "I guess they weren't that close."

"No, they weren't. Not when Will was growing up at least." Deanna continued to scan the kitchen. "Did you know Kyle before he died?"

Erik nodded. "A bit. He rode the ferry to the medical center a lot. He seemed nice enough."

"I think he mellowed over the years," Deanna hypothesized.

"Well, I got to get back to the ferry. If you want to go in to Valdez ever, or take a transport to San Francisco for work or anything, it goes 3 or 4 times a day. The schedules at the café." Erik began to walk towards the front door. "I meant what I said about Miss Rosemary. If you don't come to her, she will come to you." Deanna nodded as she followed him to the door. "Sorry about before, giving you a hard time like that. I figured out who you were after you were already on the ferry, and I guess I just was kind of watching you to see what kind of a person you were."

"And what did you decide?" Deanna asked him.

"Maybe a little down," he replied. Deanna hung her head, but could not help but smile at him. Then he added "With potential."

Deanna began to laugh. "What did you say you were studying?" Deanna asked him.

"Oh, just undergraduate studies. But I think about psychology." He shrugged as he stepped onto the path.

"I am a ships counselor," Deanna called to him.

"Maybe we could talk," he called as he waived and made his way out to the street.

Deanna spent the rest of the night exploring the Riker house. She decided to stay in the smaller of the two bedrooms upstairs. It had an amazing view of the bay from its windows. And somehow it seemed the least claimed. The larger bedroom seemed like it belonged somehow to Will's father and the smaller room downstairs seemed to be Will's. The room she chose was cozy and she was comfortable there. She unpacked her things and poked around through the closets. No matter how much she was told that this was hers, she still felt like a visitor, or even an intruder.

As the sun began to fade in the still gray sky she headed down the stairs to the kitchen. She was not that hungry, but rummaged through the cupboards, somehow curious what Will's high school girlfriend would have brought for her to eat. She tried to picture Will living in this house as a teenager, arguing with his father in this kitchen, storming out of that back door out into the forest that he knew so well. She had heard enough stories to know that if she headed out into the woods, she would find a trail that would lead her to Curtis Creek. She knew without setting foot on the back porch that there was a swing there that his father had given his mother when she was pregnant. She knew things about this place, but was touching it for the first time.

Deanna made herself a sandwich with the items she found and sat at the table eating it as she watched the sun fade. Realizing how late it was she moved her sandwich with her over to the desk where the communications system was. There were several PADDs left in filing sections of the desk as well as actual paper files. One was a small paper with a communication system number with the name Sarah Lewis on it. Clearly Sarah had left it for Deanna if she needed anything. Another one was a sealed envelope with shaky penmanship scrawled across the front. It was the writing of an ill man. All the envelope said was _Will_. Clearly Kyle had left this for his son. He had not told Will that he was so ill. When he died, the Titan was too far out toward Romulon space to make it back in time for his funeral. Deanna thought a moment about opening the envelope, but instead picked it up and placed it along the top shelf of the desk and went about sending her two messages.

First to the Enterprise.

_Dear Jean Luc,_

_I have arrived at the house safely. I have even met some of Will's old friends. I have everything I need here and more. Thank you again for everything. I am looking forward to this time to clear my head. _

_Have a wonderful trip to LeBarre. I will talk to you when you return. _

_All my love, _

_Deanna_

Then it was the message that was harder to write and would take considerably longer to get to its destination.

_Dear Will,_

_I have arrived at the house safely. It is more beautiful than you ever told me. The map was utterly useless, but I did find Miss Rosemary and she fed me and Sarah Lewis' brother Erik walked me here. There is everything I need here. Thank you for letting me be here. I know this is your home, but I feel somehow right here._

_I hope you are doing well and that you are happy. I am finally beginning to feel more like myself. I can easily sense those around me again. It is soothing to me to feel that again. _

_I am sorry for all that we have been through. I realize now that I put us in jeopardy long before you did. I hope that as I work on forgiveness, you can forgive me for that as well._

_Deanna_

Somehow this time she did not need to furiously edit what she wrote. While it was not easy to say, she knew now how she felt, instead of being a raw ball of emotions as she had been when she boarded the Enterprise. She sent both the communiqués and walked into the front room carrying her sandwich that she continued to nibble on. She ignited the fire and curled up in the oversized chair and stared at the flames while they danced in front of her. Eventually she grew tired and went upstairs to her room and slept soundly curled in the soft mattress with the heavy duvet pulled over her.


	8. Chapter 8

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek TNG - The end of the chapter was cut off when I posted it the first time, so now the end is here. It would be a bit confusing if that part got left out, so forgive me.

Deanna woke early in the morning as the first beams of light struck through the window. She stretched and rolled out of bed and padded over to the window to look out at the bay. She could hear birds chirping in the trees and could see large birds of prey; she assumed they were eagles swooping over the bay. Deanna watched the birds dance in the air above the bay as the sun continued to climb. With another stretch Deanna walked from her window and came down the stairs in her bare feet and in her pajama pants and tank top. Deanna wanted to get herself a cup of hot chocolate and maybe do her morning meditation on the swing on the back porch.

Deanna went first to the replicator and with the hot chocolate in her hand she headed to the back door next to the bay window. Deanna was about half way out the door when she looked up into the small yard that bordered the forest area and saw a huge animal, dark brown with skinny legs and large wide antlers grazing lazily along the edge of the grass. Clearly the animal was taller by some measure than Deanna and it seemed to be paying no attention to her. She tried to stand there as silent as she could to not startle the large wild animal that was no more than a couple of meters from her. Clearly morning mediation on the porch was not a good idea. Deanna carefully stepped back inside the door, and as she did, the animal looked up, continuing to munch on the marsh material in his mouth, and looked right at her. The two stood staring at each other for a few moments before the animal lazily returned to munching. Deanna quickly stepped back inside and took a couple of deep breaths. She had never been so close to such a large wild animal in her life.

She hurried to the communication system, unsure of what to do next, when she was the number for Sarah Lewis. Without pausing to analyze, she dialed the number and waited for the communicator to open an image. When it did Deanna saw a woman about her same age with shoulder length blond hair that also appeared to be in pajamas.

"Sarah? I am sorry to bother you. I am…"

"I know who you are, Deanna, and it's fine. Is everything alright?" Sarah asked with concern in her voice.

"Well," Deanna looked over her shoulder to the yard. "I went to go onto the porch this morning and there was a, well a…"

"A moose in the yard?" Sarah offered.

"Yes!" Deanna exclaimed.

"I should have left a note. I'm sorry. That's Bob. He's there most every morning. He's harmless. I mean I wouldn't go pet him or anything, but if you leave him alone, he won't bother you. Just enjoy him."

"Bob?" Deanna asked. "You named the moose?"

"My father did when he started showing up about five years ago. We kind of think of him as the family pet."

"Okay. I'm sorry to have bothered you."

"Don't be silly. I should have warned you. I bet he gave you a real shot of adrenalin."

"Oh, I'm fine," Deanna shook her head feeling embarrassed.

"Was the food okay? I didn't know what you liked."

"It's fine. Thank you so much. There is plenty of everything, especially chocolate."

"Will mentioned once that you were a chocolate addict. It's the only thing I knew for sure that you liked." Sarah tried to explain and Deanna laughed.

"I was going to head up to my parents in a bit," Sarah told Deanna. "I would love to meet you. Would you like to go to breakfast?"

Deanna looked back at this easily smiling woman. "I would love that," Deanna told her.

"Great. I'll see you in a few hours."

With that Sarah disconnected the call and Deanna gathered her hot chocolate and walked back to the door. Carefully she walked to the swing and gently sat down. "Good morning Bob." She spoke softly to the moose as it grazed. The moose lazily lifted his head to look at her again. "I am just going to sit here and drink my hot chocolate and think for a bit. I'll be here for the next little while, so I guess we should make friends." The moose took a small step and continued to graze. Deanna smiled. This magnificent animal should have been bulky and awkward, but as Deanna rocked gently on the swing she could see how graceful he was and how fluid his movements were. She found him magnificent. Deanna closed her eyes as she sipped and rocked and tried to center her emotions and concentrate on her thoughts. When she opened her eyes some time later she saw the moose bounding off gracefully through the trees. Deanna let out a heavy sigh. "Bye Bob. Maybe I'll see you tomorrow." And just like the moose she got up and started her day.

A few hours later Deanna saw the same woman that she had talked to that morning walking down the walk from her parents home, and Deanna stepped out of the front door to meet her. Sarah waved enthusiastically as she approached Deanna.

"Deanna! It is so nice to meet you. I have heard so much about you," she said as she paused on the stairs and shook Deanna's hand.

"Sarah," Deanna responded. "I feel the same way about you."

The two women walked into town talking about their lives, the stories they had heard about one another and what Deanna's plans were while she was there. Sarah told her of an elk herd that often grazed in the meadow at the top of the hill outside of town, if Deanna wanted to see some wildlife. Deanna had mentioned wanting to get a book to read and Sarah showed her the local library where the shelves were lined with old paper books, where Deanna picked up two books to keep her occupied in the evenings. Then the two made their way to the café where Miss Rosemary joined them and they ate breakfast together. Deanna told them of how she was half human, but grew up on Betazed, how she had met Will while he was stationed there, and in exchange they told her some of Will's more famously rotten youthful adventures. Sarah told her that Will had been her high school boyfriend, but that was not saying a lot since there were only three of them that rode the ferry in to Valdez. Miss Rosemary laughed remembering the stories of the three youth, the other being her grandson and how they had been the biggest trouble Turner had ever seen. Sarah only rolled her eyes.

Deanna couldn't help but genuinely like these women as she sat and ate the most amazing omelet that she had ever tasted. After some time of the three talking and trading stories, Sarah headed back to the ferry and Deanna thanked Miss Rosemary, promising to return in the coming days. Deanna headed out of the café, her books tucked in her shoulder bag, and she began to wander the town. She read the plaque on the statue in the green. She followed the trails along the bay and eventually she followed the path to the top of the hill on the west side of town to the cemetery. Deanna wondered through until she found the headstones of her parents in law, Will's mothers' older and darker than his fathers'. Deanna leaned down and pulled some leaves away from the base of the stone and made a note to bring flowers with her in the coming days.

Before it got any later, Deanna headed back to the house and out the back yard and stepped over the small stream where the Bob the moose had been grazing that morning and continued until she found the overgrown path that she sought. She followed it along until the terrain began to look familiar. She had been dragged into the Curtis Creek holodeck program of Will's too many times to count and now she was there. Running through the trees laid a beautiful creek where Will had fished and swam as a child. She smiled to herself. She felt as though, through her day of wandering, that she had found Will's Alaska, and she found that she liked everything about it.

Over the following days Deanna spent her days walking through town and doing a lot of thinking about how she felt about her husband and her marriage. She meditated in the morning on the swing on the back porch with only Bob the moose to witness. She wrote in the journal that Jenny had given her when she took her medical leave. And at night she curled in the chair near the fire and read the books that she had borrowed from the town library.

One night as she sat on the back porch watching the sun set, a breeze kicked up through the trees. She did not want to head inside quite yet, as the birds circled overhead and the breeze blew through her hair. But the chill was blowing through her thin cotton shirt. She walked back in the house and into the small bedroom off the kitchen. She picked up the old quilt that lay across the trunk at the foot of the bed and wrapped it around herself as she headed back to the door. As she stepped away the corner of the quilt caught on the edge of the lid and Deanna stepped back to free it. She lifted the lid to allow the quilt to fall free, but she paused when she saw the pictures that were strewn through the top of the trunk.

Deanna looked though the door as if she expected someone to stop her as she opened the trunk and began to rummage around. She sat with her legs crossed still with the quilt wrapped around her as she carefully removed each item and placed them in piles around the floor. There were pictures of Will as a high school athlete. His hands and feet were still far too big for his continuing growing body. His hair was unruly in its same pattern along the front. But the eyes and the smile were definitely Will. There was a picture of Will graduating from Star Fleet Academy. He had grown into his extremities. He looked more confident in himself and his abilities that he did in the pictures of just a few years before. Below a sports jersey of some kind lay a book filled with Will's high school friends signatures and pictures.

Deanna laid out on her stomach and began to read through the ridiculous subscript written by teenage boys and she began to laugh out loud. The only thing funnier was the flowery and heart laced writing of his female classmates scattered throughout the pages. Deanna giggled to herself as she flipped through the book. Eventually she set the book aside and reached back in the trunk.

The sun had set in the sky when Deanna pulled out the folder full of pictures from Will's childhood. Suddenly staring back at her was a beautiful woman with light blue eyes and dark brown wavy hair. In her arms was a toddler with the same eyes and a smile that lit up the page. Will couldn't have been older than three or four years old, and in another year or so his mother would be dead. Deanna frantically looked through the rest of the folder. There was Will as a baby held in his mother's arms, swaddled in a blanket, asleep on his father's chest… there was picture after picture. Deanna handled them reverently as she sorted through them. This was Will's life. At the end of the folder lay one more photo, face down. As Deanna picked it up and began to turn it over she saw the star date on the back. She knew what the picture would be of, before she flipped it over, but she did it anyway. There, Will's sad eyes stared back at her, in his tiny five-year-old body, dressed in a formal black suit. To his side, but far too far away to look natural, stood his father in an identical suit and behind them was the casket containing the body of Will's mother. Carefully she picked up the other picture of Will in his mother's arms. His eyes were bright and full of life in the picture in her right hand, and in the picture in her left hand they were hollow and afraid. She wondered for how many years he had carried that hurt.

She could feel her heart breaking for the child her husband had been. Deanna stared again into his eyes at his mother's funeral and realized that she had seen the adult Will with that same hurt and hollow expression. He had had it in his eyes when he left Betazed all those years ago. He had carried that look in his eyes when they were first assigned to the Enterprise together and she had told him that she could not allow him to hurt her again and that she did not want anything more than friendship between them. He had had it in some degree over the last few months on the Titan, and it had been firm in his eyes the night that he had come to her and told her of his relationship with Linsy McKenna.

Deanna felt a chill run through her and she wrapped the quilt up tighter against her. But it did not help. She held the pictures of Will close as she began to cry simple tears, tears for the mother in law that she never knew, tears for the hurt little boy who would never have his mother's arms around him again, tears for the man she had let slip away from her and the children she would never hold. In that moment, she missed Will so intensely that she could hardly breath. Deanna looked deeper in the trunk and found a tee shirt from a high school football team. It still carried a smell that she vaguely recognized. It was not the sent of the man he had become but the boy he was. She slipped it on over her head and pulled out a pair of tattered sweat pants with the name of Will's high school printed down the leg. Deanna slipped her pants off and pulled the sweatpants on. She somehow felt closer to him in the clothes that he once wore. Then she wrapped the quilt back around her and made her way into the kitchen where she dug in the freezer until she found the container of ice cream that she had seen and she grabbed a spoon and settled down in front of the fire with nothing but her thoughts of Will to keep her company.

Deanna's days came and went and with each passing day she felt her emotions become more even. She felt like herself again. Now the question was what would she do? It seemed like a time for new beginnings, so one morning after seven days in Alaska, Deanna walked down to the café for a late breakfast.

"Good morning, Deanna!" Miss Rosemary called as Deanna came in and took a seat at the bar as Rosemary poured coffee for those around the café.

"Good morning, Miss Rosemary," Deanna answered as Rosemary approached.

"I have some pancakes for you this morning," Rosemary told her. Deanna had learned that Rosemary served you what she thought you needed, not necessarily what you ordered, so Deanna had learned to just eat what she was served.

"Miss Rosemary, I have an errand to run today with your help." Rosemary paused and eyed Deanna with curiosity. "I want to get my hair cut, make some changes. Any idea where to go?"

"A makeover hu?" Rosemary questioned. Deanna nodded. "Well I know a place in Valdez. I'll make a call." And Rosemary was gone.

In two hours she was waiting for the ferry to take her to the other side of the bay. When she boarded she greeted Erik Lewis as he helped her aboard.

"It looks like your are it for this trip," Erik told her as he helped her aboard. Erik sat next to her as they sped across the bay. "The ferry ride is a lot shorter this time of year when the Orca whales aren't mating in the bay. You will have to come back sometime in the summer when they are here. You just missed them this year."

"That must be amazing," Deanna answered looking over the edge of the ferry into the water. "I would love to see the whales."

"Yeah,"

Deanna asked her question before she gave herself time to think about it. "So the Orca whales, do they all have offspring?"

"No I guess not. Some are old and some are dry cows."

"Dry cows?" Deanna asked. She did not like the sound of that. "Are those the infertile ones?" Erik nodded. "So they just swim around and what, watch?"

"Nah, they seem to stay by the mouth of the bay. They don't come in with the others."

Deanna contemplated what Erik had said about the whales as they crossed the rest of the way across the bay.

Once she arrived in Valdez Deanna went to the hairstylist and had her haircut to her shoulder in a sleek and clean bob. It felt like a literal weight off her shoulders. She left the salon with a spring in her step, grabbed some lunch and then began to head back to the ferry when she was distracted by the medical facility. It did not appear to be more than a few years old, but Deanna couldn't help but think that this was the sight where Will was born. She walked the paths that lead through the gardens of the facility when she saw the elementary school just a few blocks away. She stood across the street and watched the children play at recess and thought about Will playing on that field.

Deanna kept wandering seemingly aimlessly through town until she found the high school further down the hill, closer to the water. Off the school grounds, across the street was the athletic stadium where Will played every sport under the sun, the bleachers where he had kissed Sarah Lewis. This was his refuge from his father. She couldn't help but feel she was on some odd walking tour of Will's life and it was not helping with the aching loneliness in her heart. Yes, she had the time to think without the scrutinizing eyes of the crew, but being surrounded by all things Will Riker was not making it easy for her to picture a life without him. Deanna slowly walked back to the ferry and began the trip back to Will's home. There was one other person on the ferry. She had seen him in the café before. Now instead of odd stares, they nodded at one another and he went to the back of the ferry. Deanna walked up to Erik as he leaned against the front of the boat.

"Nice," Erik said pointing at her hair.

"Thanks," Deanna paused as she looked over the water. "I was thinking of what you said about the whales that don't come into the bay," Deanna told him.

"The dry cows?" Erik asked. Deanna rolled her eyes, but nodded. "What about them?"

"Where do they go?" Deanna asked. "Can you show me?"

Erik pointed to the Turner side of the bay near the inlet from the ocean. "Right there," he told her. "Why?"

"Is there a path that leads to the mouth of the bay?" Deanna asked.

"Sure," he said, "but it's almost a mile."

"Where does the path start?"

Deanna got off the ferry and practically ran home and up to the bathroom off her bedroom. She grabbed the two remaining vials of hormones and tucked them into her jacket pocket. Then she took the hypo and shoved it into the back of a cupboard in the hall where she was unlikely to ever see it again and headed out the door. Deanna headed down the path that Erik had shown her until she came to the mouth of the bay. Deanna stood staring out at the vast Pacific Ocean in front of her. Suddenly she felt that same rebellious instinct that made her cut her hair. She reached into her pocket and took the two vials in her hand. She rolled them between her hands and thought hard about what she was about to do and what it meant. This was it. There was no going back. This was the end of the dream, standing on the brink of the Pacific Ocean where the other dry cows wait. Deanna shook her head and threw the two vials out into the water as far as she could. She saw the tiny splash of them hitting the water and sinking away.

It was over. She was herself again. Nothing would change her like that again. She would rather be a dry cow than to loose herself. She had fought her way back. Maybe she could fight her way back to Will; maybe _this_ was her new beginning.

Deanna made her way home and slipped back into Will's old sweats as she had been doing every night since she had found them in the trunk. As she came back down the stairs, she heard the chime of the communications system. Deanna entered the kitchen and activated the monitor. Beverly stared back at her. "Hey, you're alive!" Beverly cried.

"Of course I am alive," Deanna answered.

"Well, no one has heard from you since you first arrived. I thought maybe some wild animal had devoured you."

"No, no wild animals. Well unless you count Bob."

"Bob? A neighbor?"

"A moose who thinks the back yard is the best breakfast buffet in the neighborhood. I like him."

"And you named him Bob?"

"No, he was Bob before I got here." Deanna waved her hand to dismiss that topic. "What are you up to Beverly? Are you back on the Enterprise?"

Beverly nodded. "I was wondering if you might want to meet in San Francisco for lunch tomorrow? I have to be at Star Fleet medical at 14:30. Could you meet me before that?"

"I would love to," Deanna told her. "How about in the academy gardens at noon?"

Beverly nodded. "Oh, I gotta go. We'll talk tomorrow?" They said good-bye and Deanna went back to her new nightly routine.

The next day Deanna headed out on the ferry and boarded the transport in Valdez headed for San Francisco. She got to the gardens just a little after 12:00 and found Beverly waiting for her. Deanna threw her arms around her friend in greeting.

"I like the haircut." Beverly mentioned as they began to stroll to a bistro nearby.

Deanna ran her fingers through it. "I just needed a change." Deanna tried to keep the mood light. "How about you? What have you been up to?"

"Nothing much," Beverly tried to change the topic. "So what is Alaska like? I have never been there. Is it cold? I always think of it as being cold."

"It's not too bad, a little chilly at night sometimes. But I guess in winter the snow piles up pretty high. I saw some pictures of Will as a boy standing on the second story roof that was level with the snow."

Beverly made a face. "That is too cold for me."

"Me too."

"Maybe you could get a winter home somewhere else." Beverly suggested.

"Beverly, this is not my home. This is just a place to clear my head."

"An has it?" Beverly asked. Deanna only shrugged. "No plan yet, hu?"

"I miss him, Beverly. Is that wrong? I miss him so much. I miss us. Now that I am finally starting to feel like myself, I just want him back…us back."

The two sat down at a table on the patio and began to look over the menu. The waiter brought them both something to drink and they continued chatting.

"Is it wrong of me, Beverly?"

"What, to want to be happy again?" Beverly asked.

"To just go on like it didn't happen. To just call some sort of a do over and pretend it never happened?"

Beverly slumped back a bit in her chair and sighed. "Oh, I don't know Dea. Pretending it never happened doesn't seem like the best solution, but there has to be other ways to go forward, right?"

"I know," Deanna replied resting her elbows on the table and her chin in her hands. "I always get to right here and get stuck. I love him. I still love him. And I think I even believe him when he says he loves me. I want to believe that we can go forward. But how do I convince myself that the next time we have an argument or hit a snag that this doesn't happen again?" Deanna shrugged her shoulders again. "I want to be in that place. I just don't know how to get there from here."

The waiter came and took their orders, and when he was gone, Beverly spoke. "What does Will have to say about this?" she asked Deanna.

"I don't know. I haven't spoken to him since I left the Titan."

"What?" Beverly cried, drawing some attention from nearby tables. She lowered her voice. "You haven't spoken to him at all?"

"I sent him messages from the Enterprise and Earth, so he would know where I was, but no, other than that, nothing. I guess I thought if he was ready he would send a message," Deanna responded.

"But nothing?"

Deanna shook her head. "He told the captain to tell me that he loved me…" Deanna felt Beverly's emotions surge and a slight blush rise in her cheeks. "Beverly?" Deanna began to ask.

Beverly took a long drink of water to avoid being able to speak and when she was done plowed ahead. "Well, maybe it's time the two of you started talking. If he feels the same way, then maybe you make some new ground rules. I don't know. But two people who still love each other should be able to figure it out."

Deanna sat staring out across the gardens and over the San Francisco skyline, her emotions swirling in her head. "What if he doesn't feel the same, Beverly? What if he wants to move on without me?"

"Then why would he tell you he loves you?"

"He told me he loved me for eight years on the Enterprise while he dated other women…"

"That was different," Beverly told her.

"Was it?" Deanna asked.

Beverly reached across the table and put her hand over Deanna's. "You can't let fear of what he will say keep you apart, Deanna. You have to talk to him."

The two women sat together in silence until the waiter brought them their food. Deanna wanted to talk about something other than her aching heart, so with a sigh and a large bite of fish, she changed the topic.

"So tell me what you did for your shore leave for the last 10 days?" Deanna asked Beverly. She felt her friend's emotions do the same sort of flip-flop and Beverly looked away.

"Oh a little of this and that," Beverly picked at her food.

"Where?" Deanna asked.

Beverly took another bite to avoid speaking, but Deanna was patient. "Europe," Beverly

finally answered as she swallowed her pasta.

"Where about in Europe?" Deanna asked, more curious by the moment because of Beverly's avoidance.

Again Beverly took a bite and pushed her food around her plate. "France, mostly," she answered softly.

Suddenly the blush in her cheeks and surge of emotions started to become clear to Deanna, but she tried to remain neutral sounding. "Oh? I hear it is lovely this time of year."

Beverly only nodded and took another large bite.

"How are the vineyards?" Deanna asked casually, but did not miss the snap of Beverly's head as she tried to cover her reaction.

"Vineyards?" Beverly repeated.

"LeBarre is beautiful isn't it? Jean Luc always says that fall in LeBarre is his favorite season."

Beverly did not respond but kept her eyes on her plate as her cheeks pinkend.

Deanna smacked Beverly with the back of her hand in the arm. "You little liar. Nothing much? Europe? The captain invited you to go home with him! That is HUGE!"

Beverly rolled her eyes and pushed pasta noodles through sauce on her plate as her cheeks began to blaze as red as her hair.

"So," Deanna asked scooting a bit closer to her. "How was it?"

"It was nothing. He wanted me to meet Marie. That's all." Deanna raised one eyebrow at her friend. "Really! We did some sight seeing and he took me horseback riding around the property. That was it."

"Sounds romantic," Deanna commented.

"Deanna," Beverly chastised her.

"I am not so embittered that I can't be happy for my friend," Deanna told her with a sigh and a smile. "So dish. NOW!"

Beverly shrugged. "Nothing happened, really. We just enjoyed each other's company for a few days. He showed me his old stomping grounds."

Deanna's mind wandered back to the day before and her walking tour of Will's old haunts. She wished he had been with her. Deanna looked up and saw Beverly studying her face. She smiled and urged her to continue. "And?"

Beverly studied her friend for a moment longer, then went on. "That's it really. We

laughed, we talked, we drank great wine while picnicking in the vineyard."

"Really," Deanna chided her. "And after the great wine and the picnic?"

Beverly shrugged and tried to keep her face from betraying her, but it was no use. Deanna urged her on. "After the wine and the picnic…." She motioned with her hand for Beverly to tell her more.

"We kissed. A little bit." Beverly confessed.

"You and the captain made out!"

"Really Deanna," Beverly tried to regain her composure. "I think that the captain and I are a little old for _making out._ I think anyone older than 18 is too old for _making out._"

Deanna grinned at her friend. "So you made out?" and the two of them began to giggle.

"So now what?" Deanna asked after they decided to act over the age of 18 again.

Beverly closed her eyes and shook her head. "Nothing. Nothing happens. Tomorrow we will be back on board the Enterprise and we will just go on like it never happened."

Deanna looked stunned. "What? Why?"

Beverly shrugged. "I don't know. It is just what we do. It's what we did before."

"There was a before?" Deanna asked shocked and again Beverly began to blush.

"Oh, what would you know about it, you were getting married. No offence, but you were a little self involved."

"You and the captain made out at my wedding?"

"Well, not _at _the wedding, but…well…yeah, I guess we did."

"And then nothing?" Deanna asked.

Beverly shrugged her shoulders again. "It is just our thing. It is what we do. You and Will fight and make up, Jean Luc and I kiss and ignore it."

Deanna just shook her head. "I thought I was messed up," Deanna commented.

"Well," Beverly paused as the waiter retuned and took their plates away. "It may be messed up, but it's a whole lot of fun."

The two women continued to chat as they ordered dessert and enjoyed the views of San Francisco. Before they knew it Beverly leapt up and gathered her things.

"I have to go. I have some meetings at Star Fleet Medical," She told Deanna.

Deanna rose also. "I'll walk with you."

The two left the bistro and walked down the sloping gardens to the tall glass building that housed the Star Fleet medical headquarters, continuing to chat as they went. "So," Beverly gave Deanna a quick hug as they reached the building entrance. "Next week, lunch? And you are going to tell me all about what you and Will talked about, because you are going to talk to him, right?"

Deanna nodded. "Take care!" she called as Beverly waved and dashed inside. Deanna took a deep breath and began to stroll the grounds alone. It had been a long time since she had been to Star Fleet Headquarters. The grounds were finely manicured, and beautiful, but it was a different sort of beauty than the sprawling forests that surrounded her in Alaska. There were officers walking from place to place around her as she looked about, and there were some gardeners cleaning a flowerbed as she strolled past. Deanna walked past each building noting the offices that were held in each structure. Her mind wandered to her own career. She knew she was herself again and more than capable of doing her job and doing it well. The first thing she wanted to do when she was ready to leave Turner was get a medical evaluation and have herself returned to active duty. She loved her job and whether it was on the Titan or somewhere else, counseling is what she wanted to be doing.

With one decision about her life made, Deanna sighed and leaned against the trunk of a large tree whose leaves danced in the breeze with their many colors of fall glittering in the air as some weaved their way to the ground at her feet.

"Deanna Troi Riker," A voice spoke from off to her left. She turned and saw Admiral Brand approaching her with two other officers in tow. "Shame on you, Shame, Shame. And on your husband as well." He was a kind almost portly man who had a good sense of humor and an engaging nature. He had taken to Will as he had been aboard the Titan several times in the past few years, and he had always been generous with his time and use of influence. Deanna thought highly of him.

"Admiral, Sir. I did not see you there." Deanna stood up straight and began to approach him and shake his outstretched hand.

"Well, I had no idea that you were here on Earth at all. To think I was speaking with you husband just this morning and he didn't even mention it. Shame on you both. If I would have known you were here, I would have extended an invitation for you to dine with me immediately."

"Oh, thank you, Admiral. I am not really staying in San Francisco though. I am just here settling up some estate matters for Will's father in Alaska." Deanna regurgitated the lie she had told many times.

"Yes," The admiral nodded. "Kyle Riker was an interesting man. After meeting him, Captain Riker was nothing like I expected."

Deanna smiled and nodded.

"So I assume that your husband has gotten your opinion on all of this that he is suckering me into."

Deanna felt her stomach lurch and her adrenalin start to pump. She had no idea what he was talking about. "He is suckering you into something?" Deanna tried to keep nothing more than polite interest in her tone of voice.

"Yes, yes. This business about his chief engineer." Deanna felt her world start to swim around her and she unwillingly reached out the garden bench to her right and held on for support. But with much effort and poker training, her face remained only mildly curious with a polite smile and her gesture to the bench was hopefully nothing more than a casual lean.

"I'm afraid I don't know what you mean?" Deanna offered. She wondered if he could hear the tremble in her voice.

"Really? I thought you would have been the first to know. But I guess you have been more caught up in family matters." With every word he spoke her feeling of panic increased. She was outside in the open air, and yet she couldn't help but feel that a room was closing in on her. "He is promoting her to a full commander. It's a little fast for my taste, but he assures me that she is a cracker jack engineer. I assume that you agree?"

Deanna felt her knees buckle slightly underneath her, but she caught herself. Her smile had faded just a bit as his words sunk in. "I don't know that much about engineering, Admiral. I'm sorry."

"Well you must have a feel for her as a person. Your husband seems quite taken with her. He's been talking about her non stop for the last few weeks…really wants to see her get ahead."

Deanna felt as though she had been slapped across the face. Her heart was pounding so hard in her chest; she could hear the blood rushing through her ears. She looked back at the admiral who looked back at her with a mildly concerned smile and then at his two aids who seemed oblivious to her panic attack. "Will knows his crew best," was all Deanna could choke out. "I'm sorry Admiral, I am late for an appointment. I have to go."

Deanna looked from her left to her right and decided to leave in the opposite direction that the admiral was headed. She took a first shaky step away. "Good bye, Sir. It was good to see you." With a nod and what she desperately hoped was a smile, Deanna turned and headed off down the path again, her pace just shy of a run.

After several minutes like this she slowed her pace and came to a bench sitting just inside the shelter of the branches of the weeping willow tree. Deanna sat lightly on the edge of the bench and then sank back and began to rock back and forth, tucking her knees up to her chest. She sat like that for several minutes, replaying the conversation in her head. Will was promoting the woman who he had an affair with. He wanted to make sure she gets ahead…_what does that mean? _Her head screamed at her, but her heart was breaking. Her fear in talking to him was that he would have decided that wanted to continue this relationship with Mac, and here she was hearing from a Star Fleet Admiral that he was advocating to give her a promotion. The relationship had clearly continued after Deanna's departure. _He's taken with her,_ Deanna repeated the admiral's words in her head. _He has talked about her non-stop for the last few weeks!_

Without a thought, Deanna was off the bench and walking rapidly again. She was not entirely sure where her feet were carrying her, but she let them take control anyway. She walked for several minutes when she realized that she was not crying as she thought she would have been. She simply kept her determined pace, heading off for wherever her feet took her. Her mind was still a swirl of thoughts and emotions. She thought at first that she should find Beverly, but her feet continued to lead her away from the medical buildings. On and on she walked as her mind wondered, until she found herself standing in front of a very old, classic looking brick structure with a metal engraved sign the read _JAG Headquarters._

Deanna read and reread the plaque puzzled as to why she had stopped here. Then, as if driven by a hand she could feel if not see, she began to walk into the building. There was a petty officer inside the door at a small desk. "Welcome to the Judge Advocate General's offices. May I assist you in finding something?"

Deanna was shocked by her cheerfulness and she shied away and shook her head no. She turned away from the woman and continued down the corridor until she came to a set of glass double doors. She could see many offices and cubicles behind the glass and etched onto the door it read_ public filings_. Still not entirely sure of her purpose, she stood in front of the door staring at the words when a young woman came plowing through the doors and practically ran into her.

"Oh, I'm sorry, Ma'am. I wasn't paying attention." The young officer held the rank of Lieutenant and wore the insignia of blind justice on her opposite uniform collar. She was a lawyer.

Deanna's face was blank as she studied the woman. "I am Lieutenant Stevens. Are you here to meet someone?" She asked seeming concerned.

Deanna shook her head as if to get some sort of grip on herself. "I am Commander Troi." Deanna said emphasizing her rank.

The lieutenant straightened up to attention. "Sir, how can I help you?"

Deanna stood in the corridor searching through her thoughts trying to determine why she had come here. Only then did one tear slip from her eyes as her words echoed down the hallway. "I need to file for divorce."


	9. Chapter 9

Disclaimer: I don't own Star Trek TNG or anything else- DO NOT READ if you missed the ending on 8- had some problems posting 8 and it cut the ending off. So if you thought that it ended in a very odd place, go back and check the ending again before you read.

Deanna raced up the dock to catch the last ferry of the night as the rain began to fall gently along the docks.

Erik Lewis leaned out over the edge of the boat and helped her as she jumped on board. "You just about missed us. You would have been stuck on the south side tonight."

Deanna just nodded and headed off towards the bow of the vessel. She was tired and shaken after the events of the day and after an hour of relating personal information to a lawyer she didn't know at all, she felt herself become numb inside. She wanted nothing more than to be alone, and warm and safe.

"You alright?" Erik called to her as she walked away from him into the wind and rain as it fell along the deck. The light was fading quickly from the gray gloomy sky as the sun hidden behind the clouds slipped down over the western horizon.

Deanna did not answer him at all. She just walked to the bow and placed her hands on the rail, looking out to the waves forming on the bay. The rain fell against her bare arms and the skin of her face. It felt as if it were washing all the dirt of her life away.

"You can come below deck," Erik told her walking up behind her as the ferry pulled away from the dock. "Everyone else is down there and it is warmer and dry." He pointed to the lower deck of the boat with both hands as Deanna turned slightly away from the water and met his gaze.

"I'm fine here." Deanna told him softly, turning back to the water as the boat picked up speed. The water began to lash against her skin with more force and her hair and clothes were becoming soaked through at amazing speed. She could sense Erik standing behind her unsure of what to make of her behavior, and clearly concerned.

"Here," he finally said. Deanna turned to find him removing his rain slicker and holding it out to her. "It's not very fashionable, but it is functional," he told her.

Deanna only stared back at him. _Why was this young man so kind to her_, she thought. When she did not respond, he took another step towards her and placed the coat around her shoulders allowing her to slip her arms through.

"You never asked," she told him as she slipped her arms through his raincoat. "None of you. Not once."

Erik's concern was growing. "Asked what?"

"Why I am here." Deanna stated simply as if he should have known, as if he should have been able to hear her thoughts.

"People come up here for a lot of reasons," Erik answered her. "Most times it's to be alone." He shrugged his shoulders. "I guess we figured if you wanted to tell us, you would."

"Will didn't tell you?" she asked him.

"My sister and Miss Rosemary talked to your husband, not me." Now Erik stood with her on the deck as the boat plunged across the blackening bay, wind and rain pounding against them, but he was unprotected as he flipped the collar of his own jacket up around Deanna's ears to protect her from the wind.

Deanna only nodded and turned back to the water.

"I'll be inside if you need me," Erik paused and watched her for a few more seconds before turning and leaving her alone in the dark with nothing but the howling wind in her ears and rain on her face.

Wet pieces of hair flew forward and stuck to her cheeks and lips, but she did nothing to push them away. Instead she raised her face to the sky and let the now driving rain pelt against her. She could feel the shudder of her own body as she cried in the dark, but could not feel the difference between the raindrops and tears as they both coursed down her cheeks.

It was a deep darkness as the ferry pulled up to the small pier on the north side of the bay and the passengers began to disembark.

Deanna held back in the shadows until the other 8 or so passengers were well on their way before she stepped up to Erik Lewis and began to remove his coat from her drenched body.

"Thank you," she said to him. She saw how wet he was himself, as he stood unprotected and the rain continued to fall. "I'm sorry. Here." She offered the jacket as she tugged at the right sleeve.

Erik put up his hand to stop her. "You keep it. I'm fine," he told her wiping his own wet hair out of his eyes. "Are you okay? You seem like you aren't…" he left the sentence unfinished. "Maybe I should walk you home."

Deanna shook her head. "No, thank you. I'm fine. You have done too much for me already over the last few weeks." She felt the lump suddenly build in her throat. "You don't even know me." Deanna stepped out over the edge of the ferry and onto the pier.

"We promised Will we would look after you," he called stepping out after her.

Deanna shook her head again. "You have work to do. It is getting late and clearly a storm is coming in. Get on home," She slipped the jacket all the way off and held it out against his chest. "I'll be fine." She paused and thought about the journey ahead, not just the walk up the hill to the house, but where her life lead from there. "I need to find my own way."

By the time she reached the door Deanna was shivering from the cold wind against her drenched body. Her feet were sloshing in her shoes and her shirt clung to her with water. Her hair dripped down her back and water ran down her face. She reached into her pocket for her key, unlocked the front door and came inside.

The first thing she did was ignite the fire and then she began stripping off her soaked clothing and left them in a hideously dripping pile on the floor. She wandered through the kitchen and into the first floor bedroom and picked up the quilt that she had lain piled at the foot of the bed and pulled it up tight against her cold naked body. She looked back at the bed at the neatly folded football shirt and sweatpants that smelled in some way of the man she had loved and let go. Slowly Deanna dropped the quilt and reached over and pulled the old clothes over her body. She breathed in the somewhat familiar sent with a sigh and stood with her eyes closed trying to picture Will wearing the items she was now dressed in. With a loud exhale she bent and picked up the quilt and wrapped it around her and dragged herself back to the fire in the front room.

Finally the chill began to leave her body as she felt her hair begin to dry from the heat of the fire. Deanna moved from the chair to the floor by the hearth covered with a rug with a Native American pattern. She was exhausted. She had no idea what time it was. She had not eaten anything since she and Beverly had lunch earlier that day, but she did not have the energy to walk back to the kitchen nor was she even hungry. Slowly she propped her head against the side of the ottoman and drifted off to sleep on the floor next to the fire, wrapped in a quilt from Will's bed and dressed in nothing but his old clothes.

For three days she had stayed virtually in that same condition. She had not changed out of Will's clothes. She had not showered. She had moved very little, only to bumble around the house, as if somehow she was needing to conserve her energy for more basic functions like breathing or making her heart continue to beat. She had slept on the floor by the fire or on the couch, she had eaten very little and only what she could easily grab as she drifted through the kitchen. Her hair was a tangled mess, and the most she had done as far as grooming was to take a small band and pull her frizzled curls into a clump on the top of her head. She had not spoken to or seen anyone since she stepped off the pier in the dark three days before and with no one as a witness but a moose, Deanna had turned into a slovenly hermit of sorts. She had not even gone up the stairs, except to grab her hair band two days before, as if the physical exertion of walking up a flight of stairs might send her tenuous heart over the edge. She wondered to herself if people actually died of a broken heart, as she lay on the couch with her hand on her chest just to make sure that it was still thumping, her head dangling off the edge of the furniture. She jumped as the communication system began to beep in the kitchen. Deanna glanced out the windows as she sat up, wondering what time it was. She scrambled into the kitchen, catching a glance at the chronometer that read 11:47, and activated the communicator.

A young woman was waiting to talk to her. "Lieutenant," Deanna offered as the image of the lawyer she had met with a few days before came into view

"Commander…" the young lieutenant answered hesitantly as she got a look at Deanna. For the first time in days, Deanna wondered what she must look like. "I have the forms that you requested," the lawyer continued. "But it would seem the files are too large for you communication system to receive."

Deanna sighed and nodded. "It is a little sparse up here," Deanna agreed.

"I don't know if you were planning on coming back into the city sometime?"

Deanna nodded. It would be best to get it over with. "Of course. When could I meet you?"

"Today about 15:00," the lawyer suggested. "Or we could meet another day," she added seeing the distress on Deanna's face.

"No, today will be fine. I'll be there." With a nod and a smile the young lawyer ended the communication and left Deanna staring at her own reflection in the now black screen.

Deanna ran her hand up to her hair as she tried to manage the tangled knot, then ran her hand down the side of her hallow and tired face. "Enough," she said out loud herself. "Enough!" Deanna stood up and glanced around the house at the remnants of her mourning. "You will pick up, and move on!" She told herself in her most determined voice.

Rummaging every ounce of mental energy, Deanna took her overwhelming sadness and tucked it in a place deep in her mind. She knew there would be occasions where she would need to remove it from it's hiding place and let it dwell with her, hopefully lessening the grief in time, but she could not allow it to consume her any longer. She had just gotten herself back and she would not lose herself again. As Deanna climbed the stairs to her room for the first time in days, she thought of what her father had taught her when she was a little girl at a party with her parents. She had been sad and had not wanted to go, but her father had told her to smile and act happy, that if she chose to act how she wanted to feel, her true feelings were bound to catch on and follow suit before too long. Deanna longed to be a six-year-old child with the feeling of her wise fathers arms around her. But she had gone on from that loss and she would go on from this one.

Deanna went into the bathroom and took a very hot shower, scrubbing and cleaning every inch of her as if to wash away the grieving part of herself. She dressed herself in a simple gray dress that ended just above the knee with a high neck and back, but sleeveless. Thinking of the Alaska rain, she also grabbed a jacket that would protect her from a storm. She meticulously put on her makeup and was careful to hide the dark circles around her eyes, or any other blemish that might show her inner turmoil, and then she set to perfectly arranging her hair. When she left the bathroom, she almost felt like a new woman.

She descended the stairs and was confronted with the mess that she had let accumulate over the last few days. She glanced at the chronometer and decided that she had a few minutes. With great sweeping motions, she gathered the scattered trash and discarded it. She carried the quilt upstairs and threw it in to be washed along with the tee shirt and sweat pants that she had worn for days. She would not wear them again, she vowed to herself. When she got back and they were clean, she would fold them and put them back in the trunk where she found them. That would be the end of the daydreaming. It was time to look forward instead of back.

With that, Deanna left the house, leaving all the windows open to bring in a fresh breeze, and headed into town. She had decided that she needed to eat something more substantial than a bag of crackers and almonds.

She stepped into Miss Rosemary's café to find it virtually empty.

"Deanna!" Rosemary cried and scurried towards her. "Sarah and I had decided that if you did not show your face today we were going to send search and rescue up there after you."

"Well, here I am," Deanna answered.

"Erik was worried about you the other night. Are you alright?" Miss Rosemary placed a sandwich and a small cup of soup down in front of Deanna and reached out and placed her aged and hand on her arm.

Deanna smiled back at the older woman and covered her hand with her own, patting it gently. "I'm fine, now. Thank you. I need to head back to San Francisco this afternoon, so I need to get a move on."

"Well then eat up, but don't disappear on us anymore. Promise?" Miss Rosemary asked with clear concern in her voice.

"I promise." Deanna assured her as she lifted a spoon full of soup to her mouth.

Deanna finished her lunch and boarded the ferry to Valdez. Erik Lewis was waiting for her.

"You look much better today," Erik told her as she found a seat on the upper deck. "Everything okay?"

Deanna nodded. "Much better now, thank you. I am sorry about the other night. I was a little out of sorts."

"Sure," Erik nodded uncomfortably. "No big deal. Just as long as your good. And you look good today, so… yeah, no big deal." Erik shrugged and headed off about the ship to do his work and Deanna settled in for the short trip across the bay.

By 15:45 Deanna was heading back out of the JAG offices and out into the gloom of the grounds of Star Fleet headquarters. The storm that Deanna had run into while crossing the bay several nights before had made it's way south and now hung over the California cost line and most of the city of San Francisco. Putting her signature on the prepared divorce papers was not as devastating as Deanna feared that it would be. Instead she wondered what her next step should be. _Look forward, not back, _she would tell herself when she felt sadness and fear creep up inside her. It became very real to Deanna that within two or three days Will would receive the papers. If he were to simply sign them, Deanna would be divorced by the time the Enterprise left orbit in another 10 days. The question was, what then? Where would Deanna go? She couldn't go back to the Titan, and she didn't want to go back to Betazed. She wanted her career back. Deanna walked up a small hill on the manicured path through the gardens towards the Star Fleet Medical headquarters where she had left Beverly a few days before. On the third floor she would find the office of Admiral Daniel Hayden, who was the head of the counseling department of psychiatric medicine. He had worked with Deanna before she was posted to the Enterprise. She hoped that he would be able to help her make a plan.

Deanna approached the doors and the moved to open in front of her. Walking out of the building, heading out into the gloomy late afternoon was Sean Patterson, the Enterprise's ships counselor.

"Sean!" Deanna called in surprise to see the familiar face.

"Mrs. Riker," Sean reached out to shake her hand, but everything about him seemed preoccupied. "You look like you are doing well. Alaska seems to have agreed with you."

"Thank you," Deanna responded. Sean's eyes were darting from object to object, as if trying to decide what to look at or where to go. His emotions were a combination of happiness and confusion, longing and regret. Deanna became confused just standing there looking at him. "Are you alright, Counselor?" Deanna asked him.

"What?" he asked looking back at her. "Oh, yes, fine." He nodded his head distractedly.

"What brings you here?" he asked her.

"I was hoping to speak to Admiral Hayden," Deanna told him pointing at the building where they stood in the entrance. "You?" she asked.

"Oh, well, I just met with him," Sean said glancing back inside.

Deanna raised her eyebrows, but Sean did not seem to notice. "Would you like to talk about it?" Deanna asked him as they each walked out of the doorway onto the portico.

Sean leaned up against a railing that surrounded a flowerbed and turned to face her. "As I recall, I offered a listening ear to you and you were not that receptive."

Deanna hung her head. "I'm sorry about that," she told him. "I wasn't quite myself."

They smiled at one another weakly. Then Sean began to speak. "Have you ever been perfectly happy doing what you were doing and then had someone make you an offer that turned it all upside down?"

Deanna nodded whole-heartedly.

"Care to share?"

"You first," Deanna encouraged.

"Ma'am, I love my work on the Enterprise."

"It's a great position," Deanna offered.

"I know, and I am grateful for it, for you," he indicated to her with his hands and then ran a hand through his hair. "For everyone. The captain has been wonderful to me, and I admire him so much,"

"And the thought of disappointing him makes your stomach feel a bit sour," Deanna offered from personal experience.

"Yes!" Sean seemed relieved that she understood. "But how do you know when it is right for you to stay where you are or when you move on?"

"You were offered a new position?" Deanna inquired.

"I have always had a desire to work with displaced youth and families. I wrote my thesis on it in graduate school."

"I read it," Deanna told him. Sean looked up at her shocked. "I was impressed. It's part of why you have the job you do."

"Yeah, well apparently Admiral Hayden read it too. He offered me the position as the post coordinator for refugee services throughout the sector."

Deanna gasped. "Oh, Sean. That is wonderful, and quite an opportunity for you."

Sean shook his head. "I have only been aboard the Enterprise for three years. What if the captain doesn't approve?"

Deanna looked at him seriously. "Sean, is this what you want to be doing?" she asked.

Sean only shrugged. "I think so."

"The captain has dealt with shorter tours. If it is what you really want to do, I have to believe that Jean Luc Picard would be nothing but supportive. You should talk to him."

Sean was nodding his head in agreement. "Thank you, Counselor," he told her leaning over and giving her a quick hug and a light kiss on the cheek.

"You are welcome, Counselor," she replied.

He headed off into the gloom of the day and after a few steps down the path, turned back to Deanna who was now leaning against the railing where he had stood and gave a small wave. Deanna waved in return. Her mind suddenly began to churn, but perhaps she was getting ahead of herself. Maybe she was hoping for too much.

Deanna paced back and forth in the kitchen of the Riker home in Turner Alaska, glancing over her shoulder at the communications system. She did not want to jump the gun, but she just had to know. She knew well enough to know that Will would not just sign the papers without talking to her, and he would ask what her plan was. She had to have one by then.

She looked again at the chronometer in the kitchen. It was 19:37. It had been almost four hours since Sean Patterson had left her in San Francisco. Deanna only hoped that was enough time. She opened a comm. link and waited for Captain Picard to answer.

When the link flickered to life, Jean Luc Picard stood in his quarters where a table was set behind him with candles and flowers. "Deanna," Jean Luc greeted her. "It's good to finally hear from you." While his words were kind, he continued to nervously glance over his shoulder.

"Oh, Captain. I didn't mean to interrupt."

"Don't be silly," he waived his hand. "There is nothing…" he glanced back over his

shoulder again. "It's nothing," he concluded awkwardly.

Deanna bit her lip to hide her smile. "How long until Beverly arrives?" she asked him.

Jean Luc's face fell slightly and he sighed. "I have a few minutes, yet."

"It looks nice," Deanna told him no longer trying to hide her smile.

"Do the two of you gossip about everything?" he asked slightly exasperated.

Deanna only giggled softly and smiled at her former captain. Feeling that her time was limited, Deanna decided to plunge ahead. "I was hoping I could ask the captain of the Enterprise a question."

Jean Luc nodded. "Always."

"Theoretically," Deanna began, choosing her words carefully. "If your ship's counselor were to consider moving to a different…"

"Sean told me about the position that he was offered," Jean Luc interrupted her.

Deanna both sighed and smiled. "Oh, good." She paused and took a deep breath. "If he were to take the assignment, I guess I was wondering if you would even consider me…"

"Yes." Jean Luc interrupted her again. "Absolutely."

Deanna sighed a deep sigh of relief and joy. He had clearly already had this same conversation with himself.

"With only one hesitation," Jean Luc concluded irrupting her joy. "Deanna, I care about you too much to just let you walk away from him. My first choice of an assignment for you would be on the Titan."

Deanna could feel tears in her eyes. "I signed divorce papers this afternoon." Deanna told him softly.

The two sat in silence for a moment letting the words sink in.

"I'm sorry, Deanna."

"So am I, Captain."

"You will always have a home on the Enterprise as long as I am her captain. Whether you serve as my ship's counselor or not."

"But that is what I want to do."

Jean Luc nodded back at her solemnly. "I would be honored to have you back, if more than a little saddened by the circumstances. We are scheduled to leave orbit in 10 days."

"I will meet with Star Fleet Medical and be moved back to active duty."

"You are sure?" Jean Luc asked.

Deanna only nodded.

"I will be in touch."

"Thank you Captain." Deanna said as she heard the chime at his door. Jean Luc glanced away from her to the door. "Good night, Sir." Deanna smiled and waved before she disconnected the line and stood alone in the kitchen.

Could it be that easy? Was it possible to go back and still be moving forward?

_Okay- I have to apologize. I do not like leaving the story here, but it may be a bit before I post again and I didn't want to just stop without warning. I know you are going to hate where this leaves things- I know it's too easy. Feel free to tell me so, but I already know. But we have left a main character in this story with very little opportunity to speak, so next we get to go live in Will's head for a bit. I will post again as soon as I can. I promise. I love all my reviews. Thanks for keeping me writing. _


	10. Chapter 10

Disclaimer: I am back and writing, but still don't own it.

Will Riker sat in his ready room turning the pad containing available chief engineer positions that his first officer had given him over a week ago around and around in his hand. He sighed heavily as he looked back at his computer terminal and reread the message that he had received the day before from earth, from his wife.

_Dear Will,_

_I have arrived at the house safely. It is more beautiful than you ever_

_told me. The map was utterly useless, but I did find Miss Rosemary_

_and she fed me and Sarah Lewis' brother Erik walked me here. There _

_is everything I need here. Thank you for letting me be here. I know this_

_is your home, but I feel somehow right here._

_I hope you are doing well and that you are happy. I am finally beginning _

_to feel more like myself. I can easily sense those around me again. It is _

_soothing to me to feel that again. _

_I am sorry for all that we have been through. I realize now that I put us _

_in jeopardy long before you did. I hope that as I work on forgiveness, you_

_can forgive me for that as well._

_Deanna_

His heart twisted in his chest every time he read her words, and he had read them at least 10 times since they had arrived. She said that she was feeling better, and that meant the world to him. He was happy for her. He knew that it had been a terrible time for her feeling so lost like she had. He could see it more clearly now, looking back, how lost and hurt she had been. She was scared. He had thought it was anger, but he had been wrong. It was terrifying fear. And he had not been there to hold her and find a way to make it better. He had failed her when she needed him the most. Why was it, he asked himself, that it seemed so simple now, when before it had been like a constantly exploding powder keg between them? He knew that Deanna would be able to tell him why things were clearer in hindsight. She could always explain how he felt better than he could imagine. She even knew what he was feeling better than he did. When they first met, he had thought she was arrogant that way, but it hadn't taken him long to realize that it was not arrogance, it was accuracy.

Will leaned back in his chair and sighed deeply. It was late, and he was tired, but his mind kept playing over Deanna's words. She had said that she was working on forgiveness. That simple phrase gave his heart more hope than he had felt in a long time. She was working on forgiveness. But what was he doing? He thought about writing a note back telling her how much he loved her, how he had let this happen and how it would never happen again, but he pictured her face yelling at him telling him she needed time, space. So he reconsidered. He would not contact her. When she was ready, she would contact him and until then he would respect her wishes and give her the space that she had asked for.

Somehow, even if he wasn't talking to her himself, knowing that people he knew were with her, and that she was in his home, made him feel almost like he was with her. So he wasn't that good at making maps from memory. At least she had found Miss Rosemary, and of course she had fed her. What else would Miss Rosemary do? And Erik Lewis…all Will could remember of the kid is that he used to lick rocks out of the stream that ran between their yards. He assumed that the kid had outgrown that at some point. He was what, 19 or 20 now? Hopefully he wasn't still licking rocks. Deanna seemed comfortable with him. He hoped that it had not been a mistake to contact Sarah, that Deanna would not resent that. He closed his eyes and pictured her in Turner, wandering the town, walking by the bay. He hoped that she would feel the pull of the place as he always had.

The ready room door chimed and Will sat up straighter and opened his eyes before calling for the guest to come in.

John Knox entered the ready room and stood by the door. "Gama shift is on, Sir. I am heading out, unless there is something else you need."

"No, John. Go home. Jenny is mad enough at me."

"Better news?" John asked pointing to the computer monitor. "You've been in a bit of a better mood since it came in."

Will spun the computer screen around and John tentatively leaned forward to read the words on the screen.

John nodded. "That is good. I think."

Will picked up the PADD with the chief engineer openings and put it in the middle of the table between them. "I can't just transfer her John. It's not right."

"That's your choice, Sir. I have said my piece."

"I have to make some changes though. I have got to get Dea back."

The two stood there silently for a moment longer as Will rubbed his hand on his beard. "Go home, John. Give Sammy a kiss from me."

"Yeah? You want to come get the snorting pig? That thing is driving me crazy."

Will started to laugh. "I didn't pick it," he told him, but then his demeanor changed and he grew quiet. "Deanna picked it."

"Well maybe I ought to drop her a line to say thanks," John said a little more reserved. "Good night, Captain."

The next morning the senior staff of the Titan was greeted with a directive from their captain changing some reporting responsibilities and shifting some others. Most notably the captain had placed his chief engineer squarely in the first officer's chain of command. It was a change that caught the attention of not just the first officer and chief engineer, but also the entire senior staff and by lunch, the attention of the majority of the ship.

Will had intended the change to be public, and abrupt. It was the best way he knew how to publicly distance himself from Mac. Will could almost feel the buzz around him about the changes that he had implemented. But no one had dared address it openly until his first officer caught him alone in his ready room.

"Busy boy last night, were you?" John asked sitting down across the desk from Will.

"In what way?" Will asked skepticly.

"The directive. That was one way to do it. Of course you realize that the whole ship is buzzing about it."

"That was my intention." Will told him.

"How…a…public of you, Sir." John struggled to find an appropriate answer. "So, now what?"

"Now," Will put his elbows on the table and leaned on his chin. "You handle it."

John nodded. "I'll take care of it, Sir."

"And I don't want you offering her a transfer," Will told him. "I want her treated like this never happened."

"Yes, Sir."

Will had been busy most of the day and by the time he got home that night, all he wanted to do was collapse in bed and sleep the day off. He came into his quarters and sat down at his desk. He pulled up Deanna's message and read it one more time. Staring at the words made him feel peaceful. He had taken a step. He just hoped that it was enough.

"Come," he sighed as the chime on his door rang. He was not in the mood for visitors. But when the door opened, he felt his stomach lurch. "Hey Mac," he said as she stepped into his quarters. "Come in," he said slightly reluctantly.

"Captain," she addressed him formally as she stood just inside the door. "I wanted to let you know that I have received your directive this morning."

Will did not respond. He stood from his desk and walked around to the other side and sat on the edge. The minute he did, he wished he had not moved. He felt more secure with a desk between them.

"Permission to speak freely, Sir?"

Again Will watched her but did not respond. He saw something in her eyes. Was it anger, or sadness?

She waited, not speaking. Finally he nodded slightly.

"I want to know why."

"Why what, Mac?" he asked knowing full well.

"Why this? Am I that toxic? You can't even speak to me anymore?"

"Mac, I have to do this. I am trying to do the right thing here."

"Right thing? The right thing is to push me away?" she asked, her voice softer.

Will felt his nervousness grow as Mac took a step further into his quarters. "Mac, I want Deanna to come home. This is how I do that."

"To make her comfortable? Is this the same wife that left you? The same wife who _pushed you_ away?" Linsy McKenna took another step towards him. "Is this what you really want? You don't need her Will. Hasn't this ship been running fine without her? You are a good captain. I don't understand why you are doing this to yourself."

"I love her, Linsy. The Deanna you knew wasn't her." Will stood up from the desk and walked to the other side of the room. "You don't know her."

"No," Mac agreed as she walked up to Will and stood close to him, here eyes locked with his. "But I do know you," she said with a whisper. She reached up and placed her hand on his chest as she bit her lower lip looking at him with her large brown eyes. "I miss my friend." There were almost tears in her voice and it made Will cringe.

"Mac," he took her hand and moved it away from him. "No, I can't. I have to fix this. Please try to understand that. She is my wife, and I love her."

"And what about me?" she asked biting her lip again and sitting down comfortably on his couch. "How do you feel about me?"

Will stepped away from Mac and looked out the window. "You are a great person, Mac. You listened to me when I needed to talk and I am grateful for that."

He heard Mac sigh behind him.

"And you are a great engineer."

Mac stood up and began to come towards him.

"But that's it Mac. That has to be it."

Mac stopped half way to the window and listened to his words.

"So that's it? I disappear? You said you wanted something in the middle. Do you remember telling me that?" Her voice was quiet but the hurt and the anger was unmistakable. "Why?" she asked simply.

"Why what Mac?" he asked as he walked to the furthest point in the room from her.

"Why did you transfer my chain of command? Didn't I respect your decision? Have I done one thing to encourage a relationship between us? Why now, two weeks later?"

"Mac, I had to do this. I have to fix things with Deanna. This is what I can do."

"What were the other options? A transfer?"

"Is that what you want?" Will asked, hoping he didn't sound hopeful.

"John Knox hates me."

"John is fair."

"He hates me Will!" Mac's voice was becoming shrill.

Will lowered his voice in return. "He is fair."

"Fine. But Why?"

"Mac, what do you want from me?"

"I want my friend back." Mac told him sadly.

"I can't give you that," Will answer.

"Why?" Mac was yelling again.

"Because," Will raised his own to match hers and then let the volume drop back off.

"Because, we won't leave it there. We tried that Mac, twice. It didn't work. _I_ can't trust that, why should Deanna?"

"Is it _you_ that you don't trust or _me_?" she asked him harshly.

Will shrugged. "Both."

"So I answer to John and you go on and live happily ever after?"

"Honestly, that would be great." Will sighed.

"And if I don't like this arrangement?" she asked him.

"If you apply for a transfer, I won't fight you."

"Why don't you just transfer me then? That's what you want."

"I respect you, Mac. You are good at your job and if you want to be a member of this crew, I want you here. If you don't want to be here, I will respect your choice. But it's not mine."

Mac looked warn out, as if she were going to cry. But she just quietly nodded her head.

"Mac…" Will called as she turned towards the door.

"I know. You're sorry," she said as she turned and walked to the door. Before she left she turned to face Will. She was determined to have the last word. "I hope you are happy with your choice, Captain. If she doesn't come back, I won't be here to listen when you need it anymore." Mac turned on her heals and was gone.

Will finally fell into his bed, and slept fitfully throughout the night.

The next few days Will stayed on the bridge as much as possible except as he led a very tense senior staff meeting with Mac's eyes boring into him. But they had not spoken since she left his quarters. Will hoped it would get easier with time, and he wondered if Deanna would be satisfied with Will's new arrangement. Would it be enough for her? What would he do if it wasn't?

A few days after Will put out his directive to the crew, the warp engines failed as the Titan was racing to respond to a planetary distress call almost 20 light years away.

The ship came hurtling to a stop and Will's first thought was that this was a hell of a time to be having a huge row with his chief engineer.

"Bridge to engineering," Will called.

"Yes, Captain- the engines failed Sir. The converters are down."

Will sighed heavily. "This is not a good time, Commander."

"I am aware of that Captain." Mac's voice was irritated. Whether it was at Will or at the situation, he didn't know.

"Mac, we have a colony full of very sick people that need us there yesterday," John called. "How long before we are back up and running?"

"Unknown, Sir. I am working as fast as I can," Mac told him. She was distracted, Will could tell. She was doing far more than one thing at a time. "As soon as I have an estimate, I will let you know. Engineering out." She ended the transmission shortly.

Will and John looked at each other a bit surprised. But they didn't have time to dwell on it.

"Sick bay to Bridge," Jenny's voice came across the intercom. "Captain, I have the vaccine ready. If we begin production now, we can have the first batch ready when we reach the planet."

"One problem," John began.

"I felt the learch. How long is the delay?" Jenny asked him.

John and Will exchanged another look. "Unknown," John told her.

"Captain, we have people dying down there!"

"I'm aware of the situation Doctor," Will answered her. "Give me another option."

There was a long pause.

Will tossed out his own option. "You have a formula for a vaccine, yes? Could we transmit the formula to the planet from here?"

"Captain, their medical technology is easily a hundred years behind ours. Even if they had the needed compounds, I doubt they have the facilities needed to replicate it on a large scale."

"So what do you propose?"

"We could take the first batch on a shuttle craft." Jenny suggested. "Hopefully you wouldn't be too far behind us."

Will looked at John. He nodded. "Commander Knox is getting the shuttle craft ready now. I do not want you transporting down. You have a planet full of deliriously sick people. I do not want two lone officers caught in the fray. Beam the vaccine down to them."

"Ay, Sir," John spoke.

"Engineering to Bridge." Mac's voice cut back into the conversation. "Captain, I have an idea."

Will and John both sighed. "Let's hear it, Commander."

"Sir, do you remember a prototype engine schematic of mine you saw once?"

Will nodded. "Yes, how will that help us?"

"It's not just a schematic. I have been building it. And while the whole system isn't up and running, it could act as a converter."

"For how long?" John asked skeptically.

"Not long, Sir. It will blow every circuit to high heaven to have this kind of power pouring through it. But I think I can hold it long enough to reach the planet. It will give me time to make the real repairs, and we get to the sick colonists now."

"What are the odds it will work?" Will asked her.

"50 / 50," she told him flatly.

There was a long pause as everyone thought the situation through. Jenny was right. Every minute they were not there, the colonists were dying.

"Bet on me, just this once, Captain." Mac's voice was pleading with him to let her try.

"How long till it's ready?" he asked.

"Fifteen minutes," she replied.

"You have fifteen minutes," he told her. "Bridge out." He turned back to John, whose eyes looked at him skeptically. "Get the shuttle ready, in case." John nodded and was off.

Will paced along the bridge floor as the minutes ticked by. There were a few minutes to spare when Mac's voice cut back through. "Engineering to Bridge. Captain you will have about 30 minutes at warp 4.5. Is it enough?"

Will looked at his helmsman, who nodded at him.

"That will do, Commander."

"On your orders, Sir."

Will tapped the helmsman on the shoulder. "4.5," he told him. "Engage." The bridge crew collectively held their breath as the felt the ship give a small lurch and then slip back into warp speed.

A minute or so later John came back onto the bridge. "Are we going to make it Sir?"

Will shrugged. "How much do you trust Mac's prototype engine?"

"Never been built, never been tested, straight off the drawing board and into our warp drive…If it works she ought to be at Utopia Plenitia, not here."

"Is that a no?" Will asked surreptiously.

"I guess we'll see."

The engines functioned flawlessly all the way to the colony and the medical teams immediately beamed down and began the vaccinations. It took five days until the colony was ready to have the Titan's crew leave the surface. When it was over, the engines repaired and the crew healthy and back on board, everyone was run ragged and it showed.

Will's temper was short, and he knew it. He was trying to keep to himself, but when he picked up the final PADD on his desk, his temper soared. It was late. He should have left it for the morning, but he couldn't stop himself. He picked up the PADD and was out the door of ready room, heading to the Knox's quarters. He rang the chime impatiently.

"Captain," Jenny called as the doors opened. "Come in."

"Hey Jen," Will tried to keep his voice low and even. "Hey Peanut," Will said bending to pick up the little girl pulling at the leg of his pants.

She threw her arms around Will's neck. "Where DeaDea?" Samantha asked patting Will on the cheek.

"DeaDea took a little trip," Will tried to tell the little girl, though he had told her twice before.

"When she come home?" she asked him innocently.

"I don't know, peanut. Soon, I hope. I miss her."

"Me too." The little girl leaned in and kissed Will's cheek and he kissed her in return on the top of her head and passed her to the waiting arms of her mother.

"Have you heard from her?" Will asked Jenny hopefully, but Jenny only shook her head.

"You?" she asked.

"When she first got to Alaska, I got a message."

"She must be freezing her pretty little back side right off," Jenny said with a smile.

"It shouldn't be too bad this time of year," Will offered with a shrug. "Maybe." Will looked around the room and saw John cleaning up his family's dinner. "Jenny, I need a minute with my first officer, if you don't mind."

Jenny looked back and forth between the two men that stood looking across the room determinedly at one another before she responded. "Sure, why not. I've barely seen this little thing in a week," Jenny said muffing up Sam's hair. "Why don't you and mommy go for a little walk," Jenny told her daughter, "and we will let Daddy and Uncle Will talk," she looked back and forth between the two men and added, "like civilized beings."

John raised his eyebrows at his wife. "Don't take too long. I'd like to get her to bed at a reasonable hour." Jenny said, taking Sam by the hand and the two strolled out the door.

John smiled at Will. "What can I do for you, Sir?" he said with a nonchalant tone.

"Cut the crap, John. This is exactly what I told you I didn't want you to do." Will held out the PADD he had carried from his office and offered it to his first officer.

"No, Sir. What you told me to do was treat her like it never happened, and that is what I am doing."

"John!"

"When Mac came to you and told you I hated her, what did you tell her?" John defended himself.

"I told her that you were fair." Will answered.

"So why don't you believe it now?" John asked him. He sat down on his couch and pointed to the chair nearby for Will to join him. "Did you see what she did to those converters? She rebuilt an entire engine assembly in fifteen minutes! She designed a whole new form of warp engines and from what I can see, they will work and work better than anything that Star Fleet has even in it's early development. I wrote it up because I think she deserves it. And I think she deserves the opportunity to test her designs. I didn't do it for you and Dea, Will, though is would be a side benefit." He acknowledged with a nod.

Will sat a bit stunned looking from John to the PADD in his hand, requesting a promotion for Lieutenant Commander Linsy McKenna. Attached was a listing for an open position at Utopia Plenitia, the Star Fleet design center for new star ships.

"I told you almost a week ago," John reminded him.

"I guess I didn't take you seriously enough," Will responded with a sigh. "Star Fleet Command is going to question the promotion. It's too soon."

"I'm ready to defend my position, Will. I realize that a month ago I was the biggest advocate for demoting her and sending her to a rinky-dink transport ship, but you were right. She is one hell of an engineer. She deserves the opportunity to continue her work."

"Did you just admit that you were wrong?" Will asked surprised.

"Don't be so shocked. It happens a lot. That's why _you_ are in the big chair and I sit to your right. But I like my seat for now, so no worries."

"I spent a lot of time in that chair, beside a man much brighter than me," Will said reminiscently. "Served me well."

The two men sat in a comfortable silence for a bit more.

"I'll contact Star Fleet Command in the morning," Will told him. "You better be ready to take what comes."

"I am," John assured him. "I know it puts you in a tight spot, Captain. But I've got your back. Don't worry."

"I can't recommend the transfer," Will cautioned him.

"Captain, without your recommendation, they'll never even look at her." John sounded completely deflated as Will rose from his chair to leave.

"Don't worry. I think I can do one better than my recommendation."

"What's your plan?" John asked him.

"One step at a time. Let's get her made a full commander, then I'll work on the rest." With that Will walked to the door. "Good night John. Give Sammy a kiss for me."

The look on Admiral Brand's face was not pleased, but not highly annoyed either.

"You aren't just trying to bounce her, are you Will?" he asked.

"Admiral, have you heard anything my first officer has just told you?" Will asked him over the subspace communication. "I have seen officers promoted for a lot less."

"I agree Will, but that's not the best argument I have ever heard. Her pip's are barely dry from her last promotion." Admiral Brand studied him for a bit. "What's the motivation here, Will? This is more than a reward for thinking on her feet. At least it had better be because that is one hell of a thank you."

Will rubbed at his beard deciding how much to share. "There is a design position open, at Utopia Plenitia. I want her to have a chance at it."

"Utopia Plenitia! Will, she's a baby! That's biting off a pretty big piece and hoping your girl knows how to chew. Why does it matter to you?"

Will tried not to wince at the admiral calling Mac 'his girl'. "I just want to see her do well, to see her do what she is capable of doing." Will sighed again as he thought. "I owe her that chance."

"Why?" the admiral asked.

"Admiral," Will began. "Her tour here has been hard. But she's gotten through it, and grown and matured and she got us through it as well."

"I'll tell you what, Captain Riker. You get me one recommendation. Not your wife, not your first officer, someone else, someone impartial. One person, one. You get your promotion and I will put in a good word for her myself."

"I'll do that, Admiral."

"I trust that you will. Star fleet out," and the communication was closed.

"Now what?" John asked from where he had been sitting on the other side of Will's desk in his ready room. "Not me, not your wife, though I don't think that is really an issue. Who?"

"I need to pull in a favor," Will told him continuing to stroke his beard. "The Enterprise is at McKinley station?" he asked his first officer.

"Should be. They should be in the middle of a major warp engine overhaul. Who?" John asked again. "Captain Picard?"

"No. But someone."

"Well then you have an in," John said with confidence. "These are your friends."

Will looked up at John with serious doubt on his face. "Are they?" he asked. "If they knew I was trying to promote 'the other woman'… would they be my friends then?"

Will wrung his hands together as he waited for the communication to come through. He had no idea how this was going to go. When the screen beeped, and the picture came on Will sat face to face with Geordi Laforge.

"Captain," Geordi's voice was both surprised and oddly hesitant.

"Hey Geordi. How's the new warp core coming along?" Will asked trying to sound casual if not cheerful.

Geordi nodded his head, "Fine, Sir." There was an awkward silence between the two for a moment while they tried to study the other.

"Want to cut to the chase?" Will finally asked his friend.

"Yes, please," Geordi replied with a sigh.

"I blew it Geordi. Badly. I know that."

Geordi sat silently for a bit, not overly anxious to respond.

"You hate me?" It was a question, not a statement.

"No, Will. I don't hate you. I don't get you sometimes, but I don't hate you."

Will nodded in return. "I know."

"You had it all," Geordi told him. "And Deanna is my friend too. I don't want to be in the middle here." Geordi shook his head at him.

"I don't want to put you in the middle, Geordi. I don't, really. But I need a favor."

"What kind of favor?" Geordi asked him skeptically.

"I want you to read a personnel file. One of my crew."

"Why?" Geordi's eyebrows were furrowed.

"My first officer and I want to see her given an opportunity, and your recommendation would mean a lot." Will hoped that his answer was honest enough.

"Why me?"

"What do you mean why you? You are the chief engineer of the flag ship of the federation, why not you?" Will hoped flattery might get him somewhere.

"Who's file am I reading, Captain?" Geordi's body language screamed skepticism. He had called out Will's hand and Will would have to see where the whole truth landed him.

Will took a big gulp of air and launched in with his eyes cast downward. "Lieutenant Commander Linsy McKenna."

Without looking up, Will heard the huffing noise that Geordi made. "You have GOT to be kidding. That's not the middle? That's seems an awful lot like picking sides to me."

"It's not like that Geordi," Will tried to defend himself.

"Really? Because there are two ways to see this from where I am. One- you are promoting your new girlfriend to better match your rank, or two you are trying to get rid of your old girlfriend to try to get your wife back. If I had to pick, I hope it's two, but I don't really want to be involved in either one."

"I know what it looks like, Geordi. I'm not blind or dumb. Though you may think that is debatable. But she is a good engineer, phenomenal actually. This is what she deserves, and I have stayed out of it. My first officer applied for the promotion, not me."

"Why?" Geordi asked. "Why would you even think about promoting her right now? Why not let things cool off for a bit?"

"Because the opportunity is available now, and they don't come along every day." Will answered him.

"What opportunity?" Geordi asked again with skepticism.

"Well if I had to guess, I would say that you were offered another job about a month back." Geordi's eyes flew open and Will knew immediately that he was right. "And what did you say?" he asked him.

Geordi was caught off guard, but nodded. "I said no," Geordi told him simply. "What does that have to do with this?"

"I want her to get that job," Will told him. "And who better to recommend her than you."

Geordi stood up from the monitor and began to pace around a bit. "You are kidding? Warp design? Seriously? That is a huge leap, HUGE! Talk about cutting off your nose despite your face!"

"Geordi, sit down."

"That is…Wow. You are dumb. She sleeps with her captain and gets the promotion and transfer of a lifetime? This is absurd!"

"Geordi, sit down."

Finally Geordi stopped ranting enough to sit and look back at Will. "This is a bad move, Will. A really bad move. I mean I understand a transfer. Not a bright move, but I get it. But this looks a lot like bribery."

"It's not. She doesn't even know anything about it. I know it's a long shot. Listen Geordi, I know you are angry with me, and I don't even disagree with you. You could not punish me worse than I am already being punished right now. But this isn't about that, I swear to you. Just read her file, then make your own decision. If you want to tell Admiral Brand that you recommend the promotion, if you want to write her a letter of recommendation, great. If you don't, I understand. But as my friend, promise me you'll read the file."

Geordi started to shake his head, but then sighed heavily. "Alright," he said reluctantly.

"All the way through," Will continued. "No judgments or preconceived notions. On the merits."

"Alright, fine," Geordi told him. "But no guarantees. I do what I think is right, even if that's nothing."

"I wouldn't want it any other way." Will smiled at him. "Thank you Geordi."

Geordi nodded slightly. "Yeah. Are you going to be alright?" Geordi asked his friend.

"Me?" Will asked. "Yeah, I guess so."

"Is she coming back?" Geordi asked a bit quieter.

Will looked at his old friend with a newfound determination. "If not, I'll go get her. I have to fix it Geordi. And I will. Whatever it takes."

"Good for you," Geordi smiled at him for the first time. "So I guess I will have to call off Warf's hunting party then." Geordi chuckled.

"Hunting party? I figured I would get a lecture about honor, I didn't think he would try to kill me."

"Well, the good thing about Warf wanting to kill you…" Geordi began and he watched Will's face fall. "He'll never come at you from behind."

It had been 5 days, with no word from Geordi, from Admiral Brand, from anyone for that matter. Will was relieved that he and John had not mentioned anything about it to Mac, or anyone else on the ship, because as each day passed without word, Will's hopes for this for Mac were dropping.

They had not spoken more than a passing hello in the corridor, or a status report in a senior staff meeting in two weeks. She seemed to be adjusting to the new normal between them, though Will was beginning to doubt if he would ever stop having his stomach fall into his toes when she entered a room. And he found it wasn't just her. Suddenly every word he said to anyone of the opposite sex was under scrutiny in his brain. _What would Deanna think of that? How would that make Deanna feel if she heard about it?_ It was good that he was on his toes, he told himself. He couldn't let what happened before ever happen again. He had promised Deanna that it wouldn't, and it was a promise that he was determined to keep.

Life aboard the ship went on, but Will ticked off the days in his head. Twenty-seven days since Will had stopped whatever it was between Mac and himself. Twenty-seven days since his wife had told him to get out. Twenty-three days since Deanna had left the Titan. Five days since Will had talked to Admiral Brand about the promotion. Fifteen days until the Enterprise was scheduled to leave Earth's orbit. Fifteen days until Deanna would have to make a choice about where to go. Still there had been no word from her. Will adjusted himself in his captain's chair on the bridge, wanting something to happen, anything. Will was feeling restless.

"Captain, we are receiving a message from Star Fleet Headquarters," Will's ops officer informed him.

Will and John's eyes met and John gave a hopeful smile as if to ask if this was the word on Mac's promotion that they had been waiting for. Will only shrugged, then he gave a quick jerk to his head to tell John to join him. "In my ready room, Lieutenant." Will rose and headed to his ready room with his first officer in tow.

"Aye Sir," the ops officer responded as the two senior officers exited the bridge.

Will walked to his desk, taking his seat and turning on his computer terminal.

"It took them long enough," John commented. "Star Fleet command has signed off on treaties in less time for God's sake." John sat in a chair across from Will's desk and watched his captain as he began to read the file in front of him. But as he sat there, he saw the color drain from Will's face and his brow furrow. John sat in silence for a moment longer, anxiously watching. "Not the news we were hoping for, I take it," he offered, but there was no response.

Will's eyes darted over the page as he read and re-read the first page of the document in front of him. After the second reading, Will didn't even recognize the letters he was looking at. His mind was spinning in a hundred different directions. He put his head in his hands and tried to take a deep breath, but it caught in his chest as if he had had the wind knocked from his lungs, and he didn't know what to do to stop the ringing in his ears.

"Captain?" John asked again and Will looked up at the man on the other side of his desk that he had forgotten was there. "They denied the promotion?"

Will didn't understand at first what he was talking about, but then his head seemed to clear a bit and he was able to take a shallow but somewhat productive breath. "No, it's not about that," Will told him. "Could you give me a minute, John?" he asked with as much confidence and volume as his body could muster.

"Of course." John stood from his chair and began to head to the door. "Are you okay, Sir?"

Will didn't look up to meet his gaze. His head rested in his hands on the table. "I just need a minute," Will responded, but his voice failed him and came out as nothing more than a whisper.

"I'll be on the bridge," John stated as he headed out the door and left Will alone.

Will sat with his head down struggling to breath for what felt like ages. It felt as though someone had come and ripped his heart and lungs from his body and flung them out into space. His chest burned, and his eyes stung, but the challenge of breathing only faded when the tears began to slip down his cheeks. He sat up in his chair, one hand clasped tightly over his mouth as if to stifle a scream, and began to read again, hoping desperately that the document that he looked at was not what it seemed. But the more he read, the more clear it became. Deanna had filed for divorce. Irreconcilable differences, it said on the bottom of the first page.

_Irreconcilable? How could she say that when she hadn't even let them try? _He thought angrily. _This isn't happening. This is a mistake. It's just a mistake. _But as his next thoughts fumbled from his brain he began to realize that he was spinning full speed through an accelerated cycle of grief. _You knew, Will. You always knew. You don't get unlimited chances. You knew she would do it. How can you be surprised that she has?_

Will angrily reached up and punched the monitor off with his thumb. He didn't want to stare at the words anymore. _How did I get here?_ He asked himself. In all the years he had known Deanna, how could it end like this?


	11. Chapter 11

Disclaimer: I do not own the characters from StarTrek TNG, but the ones from my imagination, I will claim.

Deanna had tried to warn him months and months ago. She had seen something there that he hadn't. But he had brushed it off, maybe because he knew she was starting to feel the effects of the artificial hormones, maybe because he simply couldn't picture himself doing what he did. He had made it a joke. That was what he did when he was uncomfortable, made jokes. But it just started with such small movements, small gestures, that Will didn't see it for what it was.

"Where are they?" Deanna had asked as he came in to his quarters.

He didn't have a lot of time as he had been running late all day and he and John were meeting in the holodeck for a combat exercise program that John wanted him to try.

"Where are what?" Will asked light heartedly as he began to head straight into the bedroom to change.

"The cookies?"

Will slowed his pace and turned to face his wife as she sat curled up on the couch with work files all around her. "What cookies?" he asked cautiously with a childlike grin on his face. He believed the correct expression would have been that he had just been caught with his hand in the cookie jar.

"You ate them all, didn't you?" Deanna accused him, a cross expression on her face.

"Umm, what?" Will asked again, stalling as he stepped slightly backwards toward the bedroom.

"Lieutenant Commander McKenna stopped by my office this morning to ask me what your favorite dessert was. I told her chocolate chip oatmeal cookies."

Will shifted on his feet awkwardly.

"She baked you cookies and you sat in your ready room and ate them like a pig." Deanna said pointing a finger at him.

"You can't prove that," Will told her.

"You have crumbs in your beard!" Deanna called indignantly with a slight smile on her face, knowing she had cornered him.

Will reached up and brushed off his beard. "So what if I did?" he asked her.

Deanna nodded her head, knowingly. "You ate another woman's baked goods, and tried to hide it from me."

He could tell that she was only teasing him and was not truly angry, but he played along.

"They meant nothing to me," he told her wiggling his eyebrows and smiling. "They were nothing compared to yours."

"Why is it that your chief engineer is making you cookies?" Deanna asked a bit more seriously.

Will shrugged. "Damn warp converters haven't been right ever since they came on line and here she is, brand new to the ship, and every time I talk to her I am asking when the warp engines will be fully operational, and she always is trying her best." Will came back into the room and sat across from his wife in the chair kicking his feet up to rest on the couch next to her. "At first I think she was terrified of me."

"I thought you liked it that way," Deanna said wryly.

Will chuckled. "After a while I realized it _had _to be the converters themselves. No one with her rank and references could be _that_ inept. So I laid off." Will stretched out in his chair relaxing a bit more. "Geordi told me once that a new engine and a new engineer needed time to orient, to become partners. So I have been trying to give her some time to figure it out."

"And you got cookies to show her appreciation for _you_ _not _ripping her head off?"

"She said there were only two things that she was really good at. Engines and baking, and she didn't know how to wrap up the warp core."

"So does this mean that the converters are working?" Deanna asked skeptically.

"For now. I think they might actually be defective, but try telling that to the production people. They are saying that unless they completely fail, we are not even on the list for possible replacement for another year. Can you imagine fighting with the engines for another year?"

"So," Deanna said turning on the couch to better face him. "Back to the cookies. You ate them all rather than bring them home and share. To hide the evidence?"

"I ate them all because I have no will power," Will told her leaning forward and kissing her on the cheek. "I thought you already knew that."

Deanna chuckled. "Tell me mine are better," she said making a pouting face.

"I may eat another woman's baked goods," he told her rising from his chair, "but I will always come home to yours."

Deanna sighed, clearly unsatisfied with his response. "I think you liked her cookies better than mine."

Will paused. There was no good way tell her that they were some really good cookies.

"Do you?" Deanna asked more defensive, but still mostly teasing him, at least he hoped. "Do you want hers more than mine?"

"Um… are we still talking about baked goods?" Will questioned. "Because I seem to recall a certain other captain that you practiced making chocolate soufflés for. Certainly there are more sexual connotations to a chocolate soufflé than a cookie."

"Ah!" Deanna gasped. "That's not the same," she defended herself. "He's French. I was practicing making French food." Deanna smirked, knowing that she, now, was being teased. Will had started to walk away again and Deanna muttered under her breath, "…making something Freudian out of my soufflés. I'll show you something Freudian." Deanna called the last part after him.

"Love to, Babe. But I'm a bit full of cookies…" he said patting his belly. He only laughed harder when Deanna threw a pillow off the couch at him and he diverted it and walked away.

He had a good time in the holodeck with John and returned late that night. Deanna was already asleep in the bed, curled up on her side, her hair falling over her pillow. He leaned over and kissed her on the cheek. "Deanna," he whispered.

"Hmm," she groaned at him from her sleep.

"You aren't really mad about the cookies, are you?" he asked in a hushed voice.

"Nu, uh," she mumbled.

"Are you sleeping and just want me to leave you alone?"

"Uh, hu," she nodded her head slightly in her sleep.

Will changed out of his clothes and climbed in next to her in the bed. She turned and rolled up to his side and put her head on his chest.

"But I think you should watch yourself with that one," she told him with only a hint of her former sleepiness in her voice.

"Oh, really!" Will chuckled as he put his arm around his wife. "Do I want to know why you say that?"

Deanna shook her head slightly against his chest. "She's young and beautiful, and a bit too ambitious."

"Dea, you could say that about half the women on this ship."

"Yeah, well," Deanna rolled with her back to him again and tucked the pillow under her head and turned her head slightly to speak to her husband. "They didn't all bake you cookies."

As the months and the hormones wore on, Will felt his wife slipping away from him. She would cry at the drop of a hat, or just as quickly scream at him. He tried. He tried to see it for what it was and be patient. He tried to bite his tong when he could feel himself become angry with her. But as time wore on and on, he could feel his patients wearing thin. Then would come the news that Deanna was not pregnant, and it would start all over again. He would hold her and tell her that they loved each other enough to get through this. He told her it was a bump in the road, nothing more. But every month, he wondered more and more if he was telling her the truth.

Then his ship had been rocked by an explosion as it patrolled the boarder of the Cardassian neutral zone. Not only had Deanna yelled at him, on _his_ bridge, but he realized for the first time that she couldn't do her job. She had told him months before that she couldn't sense the people around her, and that it frightened her. He had wondered then about her ability to keep working like she was, but he refused to hurt her by telling her that he was doubting her abilities. And he repeated to himself that her empathic abilities were not necessary for her to do her job, and do it well. But now, it was too late. She had had a melt down on the bridge, in front of everyone and people had been hurt. But when he tried to talk to her, she shut him out. She wouldn't even acknowledge him, and that sent him right over the edge.

Will had needed to get as far away from Deanna as possible. He was angry. He knew from seeing her that she was beating herself up and the continued flogging was not really necessary, but Will could not stop seething inside. He just didn't understand what had brought on this kind of behavior. It was not just the way she had spoken to him, though that certainly angered him. It was more the way that her temper tantrum on his bridge had cost them time and jeopardized his crew. He had already gone by sickbay and gotten a report on the wounded. He was grateful that there had been no casualties. He didn't know how he would have handled Deanna if there had been. He was wandering the ship, aimlessly, knowing he wasn't calm enough to go home, or, for that matter back to the bridge. It was just after midnight when he wandered into engineering.

Linsy McKenna immediately approached. "Sir, the nasel is back up and functioning at 38. We are expecting 50 by Alfa shift, and back to full capacity by this time tomorrow. The starboard nasel will need to be taken off line, after all this, and be decompressed, but within a couple of days we should have full warp capability. The hull is stable, but we have three crews making needed repairs." She paused and took a deep breath. "I haven't been to sickbay yet, Sir, but I have gotten a report from Dr. Knox. She said that the 12 wounded were all expected to make full and swift recoveries." She had finished her report and stood at attention before her captain, but he did not seem terribly interested.

"Fine," he nodded non committaly. "Thank you."

"If you need them back faster, Sir…."

Will looked up, finally giving his chief engineer his full attention. "No, Commander. You are doing fine. Everything is fine. It appears that it was a rouge faction. There doesn't appear to be any imminent danger."

"Yes Sir." Commander McKenna responded. "Is there anything else you need?"

"No, Commander. Thank you. Just go about your business." He dismissed her and she turned to head back to the panel where she had been working. Then she paused and turned back to her captain.

"Captain, Sir. Are you alright?" she asked hesitantly.

Will looked at the concern on her face and nodded and tried to smile at her. "Long day," he told her rubbing her head.

She nodded in response. "Yes Sir," she agreed. "But I think technically it is tomorrow, so I guess we all get a clean slate. Right?"

"I guess so," Will shrugged and turned to walk on through his engineering section.

"Captain," Linsy called after him again. He turned back to face her. "If you need someone to talk to…" she offered.

Will nodded. "Thank you Commander."

"Mac. Sir. You can just call me Mac. Everyone else does." Will nodded again and slowly began to turn away. "Good night Sir," Mac called.

"Good night Mac," Will responded.

After more wandering, Will found himself returning to sickbay. Some of the wounded members of his crew lay awake on bio beds, some were talking to one another. Will approached them and spoke gently to them. "How are we doing over here?" he asked.

The officers greeted him with smiles and assurances that they would be fine. Will tried to answer their questions about what had happened as the rouge Cardassian freighter approached, pulled up as close as possible to the port nasel and detonated it's own warp core. "It wasn't any kind of Cardassian ship we have ever seen before. It was as if it had been pieced together from wrecked garbage."

"Maybe it had," Mac called and Will looked over his shoulder to the door of Sickbay. The chief engineer stood leaned against the door. She had been listening to him, but he didn't know for how long.

"Maybe," Will agreed. "But it would appear that it was the only weapon that they had to offer. We can't detect any other warp energy signatures or any sort of weapon signatures at all in this sector."

"Well," Mac said stepping forward to address her crewmates. "For a one shot deal they didn't do too bad, all things considered." She turned from the captain and greeted each member of her staff that lay in sickbay. She looked over their vital signs and asked how they were feeling. She asked one female lieutenant about her daughter and where she was staying while her mother was ill. Will watched her move around her crew and felt great pride. When she had arrived six months before, Will had seen her as a bit awkward and thought she was struggling to find her sea legs. But now, just six short months later, she had complete command of her crew. She was compassionate and caring with each of them. She had really come into her own, he thought, and he was impressed. "Alright, listen," She addressed her staff. "We have some work to do and we could really use your help, so get some sleep and I expect each of you back on duty in the next couple of days. I will not allow '_the room I was working in exploded' _to be used as an excuse for long." She turned to face Will as he stood in the corner of the room. "Captain, with all due respect, let's get out of here, before Dr. Knox finds us and screams at us for messing with her patients."

The two of them walked out of the main bay and towards the door. "Commander," Will began. "Mac," he corrected. "You did good in there," he told her.

"Thank you, Sir. I have a good staff. I'm glad they are all going to be alright." Mac walked on next to him as they walked into the diserted corridor. "I have never lost someone under my command, Captain," she confessed. "I am glad today was not the day. I don't know…" she shook her head and let the sentence die.

Will stopped and looked at her. He put his hand on her shoulder and he could see the tears welling up in her eyes. "Hey," he offered. "It's okay. Everyone is fine."

"It will happen eventually, though." She responded.

Will agreed. "It's just part of life. I won't tell you it won't bother you. It will. And it doesn't get easier."

"Maybe I'm no good at this," she told him.

He put his arm around her shoulder as they continued down the empty corridor. "I respectfully disagree, Commander," he said glancing back at sickbay with her. "And I think I know where to find some people who would agree with me."

The next morning Will sat in his ready room. He had not gone home the night before. After his talk with Mac, Will had headed back to the bridge, where he spent some time, then came into his ready room and rested his head on his desk for a few minutes before getting back to his work. He ran his hand through his hair as the chime rang and he called for them to enter.

Linsy McKenna stepped inside and stood at attention. "Sir, the nasel is back up and running within operating parameters. Still 82 but we are continuing to strive for more efficiency."

"Thank you, Commander." Will responded and indicated a chair across from him with his hand. "Is there something else?" he asked as she sat.

"Yes, Sir. I wanted to say thank you for the talk last night. I was shaken up, I guess more than I wanted to admit. Thank you for listening."

Will nodded.

"Pretty selfish, hu?" she asked.

"I'm sorry?" Will asked confused.

"In engineering, you looked like you could really use someone to talk to and I offered to listen. Then I took most of your night talking about my fears."

"Sometimes we all need someone to talk to, Mac."

"You know when I was a little girl, I had big ears," Mac told him embarrassingly.

Will laughed softly. "I think you have love…," he paused awkwardly, "well proportioned ears," he told her.

"Yeah, well, I grew into them. Thank God. I'll show you a picture if you like, sometime. But for the majority of my childhood…" Mac gestured with her hand to her ears. "They were," she shook her head, "Ridiculous."

Both Will and Mac laughed at her self-deprecation.

"When the other kids would hurt my feelings and tease me, my grandma would tell me there was nothing wrong with my ears. They just made me a better listener was all."

"She sounds like a wise woman."

"She was. She passed away a few years ago."

The chime rang again at the ready room door and Will called for the person to come in. Jenny Knox stood at the door. "Captain, you wanted to see me?" Jenny asked.

Mac stood and began to move towards the door as Jenny stepped into the room. "The offer stands, Captain," Mac nodded as she stepped out onto the bridge and left Will with his chief medical officer.

Will thought about what Mac had said a lot over the next few days. Things with Deanna were still tense and awkward. She had cut out her bridge duties, but Will knew she was not thrilled with it. Talking to her about his problems…it just didn't seem like she was strong enough for that. She listened to others problems all day. When she came home, he needed to be there for her. Still, Will wished he had someone to talk to. He was restless as he left the bridge. He didn't feel like being closed into his quarters. Maybe the forward lounge would be a good distraction. As Will walked along the corridor, he realized that he was passing the quarters of his chief engineer. Will hesitated at the door. Certainly there was no harm in checking on her. He glanced up and down the corridor before ringing the bell.

"Captain," Mac sounded shocked when the doors opened. "Come in."

Will stepped swiftly inside and looked around briefly. "I, ah… I came for proof of the big ears," he concluded rather awkwardly, but Mac smiled and moved over to the computer terminal and began scanning through files.

"Okay," she told him. "I'll prove it." She clicked on a file. "Even my dad called me Dumbo," she said turning the screen around to show Will a picture of a blond little girl with her hair cut too short to hide her large ears. Will stifled a laugh.

"Dumbo?" Will asked.

"Haven't you heard the children's story of Dumbo, an elephant with big ears that flys?"

Will thought back. "Vaguely," he told her.

"Yeah, well, it was one of my favorites. Kid with big ears conquers all," she told him leaning over the table looking at her own picture with him. "Okay so it's an elephant, but other than that, the stories bare a marked resemblance."

They both shared a laugh.

"I was just about to have some dinner," Mac said moving away toward the replicator.

"Care to join me?"

Will looked around again a bit awkwardly. "I don't want to intrude," he told her.

"Don't be ridiculous," Mac answered. "I just tried to program in my grandmother's recipe for macaroni and cheese, and I was going to try it out. It was my favorite when I was at home, but I have never found a recipe in the replicator that was anywhere near the same."

"I know what you mean. I loved macaroni and cheese when I was growing up. I didn't have a grandmother to make it, but my best friend's grandma had the café in town. She made the best food, whatever it was, but her mac and cheese was a big hit on cold nights."

"Where did you grow up?" Mac asked him.

"Alaska, just outside Valdez. How about you?"

"Central California," Mac told him. "So are you telling me that you have tried all the mac and cheese versions in the replicator as well and come up empty handed?" Will nodded. "Well then you have got to try this," she said putting a plate of Mac and Cheese on the

table, heading back to the replicator to get herself some.

Will moved over to the table and hesitantly sat down. He picked up a PADD that sat next to the plate. It was full of what looked like engine schematics, but nothing he recognized.

"What is this?" he asked holding out the PADD.

Mac swiped it from his hand with a slight blush running up to her cheeks. "It's nothing," she said taking the PADD away. "Just foolish doodles."

"They looked like schematics to me."

"It's just a prototype engine that I have been toying with. It doesn't work. Not yet." She added as she sat down in front of her dinner.

"Well, when it does…"

Mac smiled a shy, almost flirtatious smile. She was proud of her designs even if she wasn't ready to show them to anyone. "You'll be the first to know," she told him and she began to eat.

The two talked about food and friends, engines and possible solutions for their ongoing problems with the warp converters. It was a light and pleasant conversation and Will found himself easily smiling and laughing with her. When he left and walked home he began to wonder if he should feel guilty about having dinner with Mac. _If I had the same dinner with Geordi, would I feel guilty?_ He asked himself. The resounding answer was no, so he dismissed it from his mind and went on his way.

"Hi," Deanna said from the couch as she put her book down and looked up at him as he entered their quarters. She was already dressed for bed and looked as though she may have been crying earlier, for what reason, Will had no idea. What he did know was that he didn't want to ask. It more than likely would send them into a fight and he just didn't have the energy for it.

"Hi," he replied simply.

"I left some dinner on the table."

"I already ate." Will told her. He felt again the twinge of guilt, but pushed it aside. He had nothing to feel guilty about.

"Oh," Deanna sighed quietly. "Long day?"

"Yeah, a bit. We had some more engine troubles."

"Commander McKenna took care of it?"

"Yeah," he answered. He walked towards the table where the remnants of the dinner Deanna had made were lain.

"I'll clean it up," she offered.

"No, I'll take care of it," he said picking up a dish. "Sorry about not being home earlier." It was his guilt talking and he quickly put it in check, concentrating instead on picking up the dinner.

"I'm going to go on to bed then," Deanna called, getting up and heading towards the bedroom. "Good night." Deanna tried to smile at him, even if it was weak. Neither of them slept well when they were fighting.

"I'll be in in a bit. I'm just going to clean this up," Will said returning hers with a smile of his own that he hoped was sincere.

Once she was in bed, Will lectured himself about his guilt. He knew he would have felt better if he just told her where he had been, but knowing Deanna like he did, especially like she was now, she would twist it and turn it and distort it into something unrecognizable. It was just easier the way he left it, and he would have to learn to ignore that nagging feeling. It was nothing. It was talking to one of his officers, nothing different than he did all the time. It was no different than going to the holodeck with John. And that little voice that told him that it was, in fact, different, he dismissed as an overactive imagination.

Will was yanked from his memories and plunged back into the present as the communication from the bridge came through. He wondered how long he had been leaning back like that, staring off into the far reaches of space and lost in his own recollections.

"Bridge to Captain. Sir, there is a transmittion coming in from Star Fleet headquarters," Ensign Quarez told him. The bridge had changed shifts. It had been at least three hours. "Would you like me to transfer it to your ready room?"

"Yes, thank you Ensign." Will told him. "Riker out." Will ended the transmition and turned to his computer terminal. He felt apprehension about what it could be now. Was there more to the divorce papers? Was it word about Deanna? What if she were not okay? Then maybe, he thought, it was all a mistake. Maybe they were telling him it was sort of an error. With a surge of hope he activated his monitor and the image of Admiral Brand opened in front of him. "Admiral," Will tried to greet him as if his whole world had not just fallen to pieces all around him.

"You look like you're having a rough day, Captain," the admiral told him. "Maybe you just miss your wife," he said with a twinkle in his eye.

But the humor was lost on Will. "What about my wife?" Will asked concerned.

"Oh, nothing, Will, nothing. I just didn't realize that she was here, on Earth. I saw her a few days ago. She was at Star Fleet Headquarters, looking beautiful as usual. You should have told me she was here," he concluded.

"She looked okay?" Will asked hopefully.

"Never better. Now, about why I called."

Will mentally tried to focus. He had not yet realized that he did not know why the admiral had contacted him.

"You came through, and I am a man of my word. I should have known you would do it, and I can't imagine a better reference than Geordi Laforge. If I'm not mistaken, he was their first choice. And now your girl has an unbelievable letter of recommendation for the position from him. How could they say no?"

Will was still trying to pull his head out of his personal life and focus on what the admiral was telling him. "Mac got the promotion?" he asked puzzled.

"Of course she did. It's hard to say no when the chief engineer of the flagship of the federation writes a letter saying he wants to see her warp engine in production, that it is the engine of the Enterprise F, and that they would be fools to overlook her because of rank, or age. I believe his words were that some people were born to do what they do and she is one of them." Admiral Brand leaned back in his chair. "Are you alright, Will? I have to say, I expected more of a positive reaction from you."

"Mac got the promotion," Will repeated.

"Yes, and the transfer. She just needs to accept it. She needs to be at Utopia Plenitia in four days. Make it happen."

"Yes, Sir. We will change course immediately."

"Good. Now as for a new chief engineer for the Titan, Mr. Laforge had a recommendation for that too," the admiral told him smiling. "He's been on the Enterprise for almost five years. You would have served with him. Lieutenant Michael Simms. Born on Mars colony. Geordi said that he thought that Lieutenant Simms was holding out hope that he would leave and he would take over on the Enterprise, but short of that, he will love the Titan."

"Simms. Yes, I remember him. He was a good guy, and bright. He was inured before I left." Will checked his memory.

"Yes, in the fighting with the Romulons. But he is in top shape now. Geordi says he's ready for this Will, and I agree," Admiral Brand said with encouragement. "What do you say?"

"When could he be here?" Will asked cautiously.

"The correct question would be when can you be there? He is on Earth, with the Enterprise. Come pick him up. We'll even up the ante by throwing in some new, _fully functioning_, warp converters. What do you say?" The admiral was grinning widely. "You can pick up your wife while you're here. It's win win for everyone."

Will's eyes widened with the realization that he was being ordered to Earth. He would be able to talk to Deanna face to face. "That sounds like a deal too good to pass up, Sir." Will told him, trying to hide his absolute elation.

"Then make it happen. I need the confirmation ASAP, Will. Tell your girl to pack her bags. She just got every engine designer in the federation's dream job. Brand out."

Will stared at the monitor that was now black for a bit longer. What had just happened? Mac was being transferred. He was going to Earth. Deanna had filed divorce papers. It was all jumbled together in his head. He needed to think. He needed to sleep. He needed something, but he wasn't sure what it was. He checked the time on the chronometer. The admiral had said ASAP. "Captain to Commander Knox," Will paged tapping his comm. badge. "Report to my ready room."

Within seconds the chime rang at his door.

"Come," Will called.

As the doors opened, John Knox stood, looking very concerned.

"What are you doing on the bridge?" Will asked confused. His shift would have been over two hours before.

"You said to give you a minute, Sir. That was three and a half hours ago." John stepped

into the room and looked intently at Will. "Is everything okay?"

"I'm sorry, John. I got… I just…" he couldn't seem to make the word divorce come out of his mouth. "I'll take care of it," he finished. "The second message was Admiral Brand. Commander McKenna is to report to Utopia Plenitia in four days."

John's face went from concern to shock to excitement in a matter of seconds. "She got the promotion?" John asked almost as puzzled as Will had been.

"And the transfer all in one foul swoop."

"Who wrote the recommendation?" John asked suspiciously.

"Geordi Laforge," Will told him honestly.

"I guess you still have friends on the Enterprise, then, Sir." John smiled at him.

Will's head was pounding. He wanted nothing more than a completely dark room and no one else around him. He rested his head on the back of his chair and closed his eyes. He simply could not absorb this much information and emotion at once. "Go tell her. Get her to sign off on it, and get it back to the admiral. Tonight." Will didn't open his eyes or lift his head.

"Are you sure you want me to do it, Sir?" John asked puzzled.

"This is your thing, John. You started it. Go finish it."

"But, Sir…"

"I can't deal with this right now, John. I am going home. Just take care of it, okay?" Will stood from his chair and began to walk to the door.

John stood a bit taken aback by his captain's behavior. He thought he would have been happy, or relieved, or something. But he looked as though he had been mentally tortured in the last three hours. Everything about his manner was that of a man who had lost a battle, defeated, deflated. "Yes Sir," he said as Will left the room.

John had his own reservations about Mac's reaction, but she had accepted the offer without a moment's hesitation, signed the paperwork and seemed to come to terms with the tight time line. But her mood was reserved as if she didn't quite know how to act.

John began to leave her quarters when he stopped and turned back to her. "I wrote up the report and request, Mac, not the captain. I did it because I thought you had real potential, and I was impressed with your work. It didn't have anything to do with your personal life." He paused, but she only watched him cautiously. "The captain agreed, and he went to bat for you, with Star Fleet Command and with some old friends to get them to read your file and recommend you for the position. It wasn't about getting you off the ship. It wasn't about rewarding you for pursuing your married captain. It was in spite of all those things. I want you to understand that." Again she only watched him. "You have unbelievable potential Mac. Everyone who has seen you work has said that. It's how you got here, to the Titan, and it is what got you to Utopia Plenitia. Grow up, Mac. Get whatever it is with you that made Captain Riker such a prize and get it out of your system, before it ruins it for you. Don't screw this up. It's an opportunity that most will never get." John looked back at Mac as he spoke and saw a single tear slip down her cheek. The two stood watching each other for another moment in silence. Then Mac wiped the tear away with the back of her hand quickly and nodded, looking away from him. "Yes Sir," she said with more respect and determination than he thought he had ever heard from her.

John turned and just as he walked into the corridor Mac spoke again, almost so softly that he could have easily missed it.

"Thank you."

John just nodded in return and walked home, one weight off his shoulders.

He walked into his quarters to find Jenny pacing around the room. "Hey," he greeted his wife.

"Where have you been?" Jenny asked him. She was clearly upset.

"I was giving someone a promotion and having them sign off on their transfer." John tried to end it there, but he knew it would come out eventually.

"Who?" Jenny asked puzzled.

John sighed. He considered telling her it didn't matter. Maybe they could get through the night without having the fight he saw brewing on the horizon. "I did what I thought was fair, what was right, what was best for her, for Star Fleet." He took a preemptive strike.

"What are you talking about?" Jenny's face was furrowed staring at her husband.

It would be bad enough to tell Jenny what had been in the second message. What was eating at John was what was in the first message, the one that had caused the captain to react like he had never seen him react to anything. The nagging thought in the back of his mind found a voice. "Jen, I think I might have screwed up," he told her. "I made a decision that I thought was right. I got the captain to go to bat for me about it and Star Fleet Command went along with it, but I don't know. There was a message from Star Fleet Headquarters this afternoon. I think that the captain might be catching some heat for it, somehow."

"What did you do?" Jenny asked, concern filling her voice.

"I requested a promotion and transfer for Mac." John braced for the explosion.

"YOU DID WHAT?" Jenny only controlled her voice from an outright scream because their daughter was already asleep in the next room. "And they said yes?" she lowered her volume a bit.

"She transfers to Utopia Plenita in four days." John's head was down.

Jenny finally had the piece to the puzzle that she was trying to work out in her head for the last hour. She plopped down onto the couch and buried her head in her hands. "What have you done?" she asked him, then threw her hands down to her side, glaring at him.

"Do you have any idea what you did?"

"I helped Mac, I helped Will, and I helped Star Fleet. At least that was the point," John told her trying to defend himself, but he sounded defeated.

"She must have heard, somehow." Jenny was speaking to the air more than her husband.

"Yeah, I just told her. I've been there for the last hour."

"NOT Mac! Deanna! She must have heard somehow."

"Why do you say that?" John asked confused.

"I got a letter from Deanna an hour ago! John, she filed for divorce."


	12. Chapter 12

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek TNG or any of its original characters. I am going to try to make time jumps easier to distinguish. Thanks for all your help!

Will walked into his darkened quarters. He did not call for lights. The darkness was more than welcome. His body collapsed into a chair, staring out into the stars. His eyes ached, but he didn't even have the energy to rub at them. It still felt as though something heavy had hit him in the chest. He tried again to organize the day in his head. It seemed like months had passed since he had left his quarters that morning. He looked around and saw the picture by the couch from their wedding. Deanna looked so beautiful in his arms. He would give anything to have her in his arms right now. His hand pressed against his chest as if to hold in his pounding heart and keep it from falling to the ground. Finally he closed his eyes against the light from the stars and took a ragged breath. He hoped sleep would overtake him, but he knew in an instant that it would not. His mind raced through the moments in the past, like sand slipping through his fingers, as his marriage slipped away from him.

...

No matter what she tried, the engines were fighting against everything they were asked to do. Every time they thought they were fixed, it started again.

Will questioned his chief engineer about the problems as they stood in engineering. "So two of the converters are down?" he asked discouraged.

"I'm sorry Captain. Those things are pieces of crap! There isn't anything more I can do for them. I can't find a defective part and the design is solid, but I swear I have the damn things tied together with string and it is really starting to make me question the military might of the United Federation of Planets."

Will sighed deeply. "I know," he said under his breath. "I put in a request for four new converters and I was told that we would be lucky if we got one. I don't know what to tell you Mac, other than work with what you've got."

"No disrespect intended Captain, and I hate to be redundant, but you are telling me to work with CRAP!"

"What about the power couplings? Could we reroute anything through there?"

Mac shrugged her shoulder and turned and walked towards the warp core and virtually disappeared up the ladder to get a look at the power couplings. "We could try, Sir. But it's sure not a long term solution." Will walked over to the ladder and looked up at his chief engineer. "What?" she said sliding down to stand in front of him.

"You climb that thing like you're half monkey," he told her, his face looking surprised at her stealth as she maneuvered around the engines.

"No, not a monkey. Just a rock climber," she told him straightening out her uniform.

"You're kidding! I didn't know that."

Mac nodded. "My parents were civilians that worked for Star Fleet. I grew up outside of San Francisco. I learned to climb in Yosemite when I was about eight."

"Really," Will said fascinated, as he leaned back on a panel and folded his arms across his chest.

"Why?" she asked. "Do you climb?"

"Well, I used to. I don't do it as much as I used to, but when I was a kid I sure did."

Mac smiled at him. "Where about did you climb?" she asked.

"Fowley's peak, mostly. There's some great climbs up there,"

"That's in Alaska, right?" she asked as she made some adjustments to the power output panel next to Will.

"Yeah, by Juno."

Mac nodded. "Right. Have you ever climbed in Yosemite?" she asked.

Will shook his head. "Most of those are pretty tough aren't they?"

"I climbed the face of El Capitan when I was fifteen."

Will gaped. "I am impressed," he told her.

"So do you do rope or free climbing?" she asked as she continued to fiddle with her power outputs.

Will shrugged as he leaned casually against the panel next to where she worked thoroughly enjoying this conversation. "A bit of both," he told her. "Don't tell me you climbed El Cap freestyle," he said with a disbelieving expression on his face.

"Are you kidding? It's a two-day climb! I'm adventurous, Captain. Not suicidal." As she spoke she leaned across him to hit an access panel, and as she did her hand brushed against Will's chest. Will pulled back and Mac moved her hand back quickly, a blush rising in her face. "I did some free climbs," she spoke softer trying to recover. "But I stick to ropes now."

"Ah," Will tried desperately to continue to conversation as if he hadn't been shocked by the electricity of her touch. His mind brushed it off. It was meaningless. "Do you, ah," he hesitated again. "Do you still climb?"

Mac smiled, seeming to enjoy the Captain's embarrassed reaction, but tried to hide it. "I climb a bit. My dad just sent me a holodeck program for a climb up the face of Half Dome. I would love to get into it." With a moment's hesitation, she continued. "You should join me." Her voice revealed her excitement about the idea.

"Oh God, Mac. I haven't climbed in a while and it's not like I have an unlimited supply of free time."

"You have the time for the things you _make _time for Captain." Mac said raising her eyebrows slightly in a bit of a challenge.

"Touché," he replied. He thought about how free he always felt climbing a mountain and how he felt a bit trapped every time he walked into his quarters lately. Maybe a climb would do him good.

"I get off early on Thursday…" Mac offered.

"Would that be long enough?"

"If you're any good, we'll be down by dinner."

Will rubbed his beard in thought for a moment. "Okay, you're on."

"Great!" Mac cried. "I'll see you Thursday at 14:00, holodeck 3," she said with a poke to his chest and she was off back up the ladder to reroute energy through the power couplings.

He had had more than one second thought about climbing with Mac. Most were fear based: some from what his wife would make of it, others were of him making a fool out of himself with a much better climber. And yet, he headed off the holodeck 3 all the same.

"You ready for this, Captain" Mac asked as she approached holodeck 3 and saw him waiting for her.

"I don't know, am I?" he asked.

Mac wiggled her eyebrows at him and smiled.

"Okay, Commander." Will told her. "Let's find out."

Mac slipped the disk into the holodrive and within moments they were at the base of the sheer face of half dome. Mac quickly unpacked the equipment and got to work. Will, on the other hand, stared out across the Yosemite Valley. "Wow," he almost whispered looking over the lush meadows and waterfalls coming off the sheer cliffs. "I have only been here a couple of times. It is totally different seeing it from up here."

Mac stood up and fastened her rope to her harness. She looked around. "This is nothing. You can only see the back half of the valley from here. Wait till we are about halfway up. _That_ is a view. Ready?" she asked offering him the rope.

He fastened his own harness and checked it to make sure it was secure. "As ready as I'm gonna be," he offered.

"You lead," Mac offered.

Will gave her a questioning look.

"You're the Captain. I thought you liked that position."

Will shook his head and started toward the mountain. After a few minutes of climbing Will looked around again. "Why is it that I have the distinct impression that you are back there staring at my butt?" he asked Mac directly below him.

"I thought your wife was the empathic one," Mac called up to him.

"Was that a yes?" Will asked reaching for a grip with his hand.

"Don't worry," Mac called out, struggling to place her own foot. "It's kinda cute."

"Next time we climb…"Will started.

"We do a side by side?" Mac tried to finish his sentence for him.

"I was actually going to say you go first, but you answer is probably more appropriate," he told her slightly embarrassed as he continued to climb.

"Whatever makes you happy," Mac offered. "Or are we talking about what makes your wife happy?"

Will did not answer, just continued his assent up the mountain.

Mac let the silence linger for a moment longer. "So I hear your wife isn't pulling bridge duty anymore," she waited.

"Yeah, well, she's going through some stuff. She needed to cut back for a bit. It's only temporary." Will told her, wondering which one of them he was trying to convince more.

"Is she alright?" Mac asked missing a handhold and falling back a bit.

Will stopped and waited for her to take her next step. "She's fine," he said realizing he was becoming winded. "She'll get through it. She's tougher than she looks."

"Good," Mac replied catching her handhold and swinging up almost to him. "Want to talk about it?"

"No," Will told her simply, turning back to the mountain and reaching out for his next grip. They climbed for the next little while in silence. "My God, Mac," Will cried as they reached the half way point of their climb and he swung free of the rock face to see behind him out over the valley. "This is gorgeous!"

Mac pulled all the way up to stand next to him. "I know," she said taking a few deep breaths. Then she turned back to look at Will. "I'm glad you came, Captain."

Will looked into her eyes. This was probably the happiest he had ever seen her and she looked beautiful. "Me too," he told her and his mind started to race. He tried to make sense of what he was feeling. Again that feeling of nagging guilt was gnawing at him. He thought hard about every action he had taken since meeting Mac at the holodeck entrance, every word he had said. He continued his climb. Had he done anything inappropriate? He couldn't think of anything that crossed a line, so he continued. After more than two hours of climbing Will pulled himself over the ridge and he sat on the crest of Half Dome, the valley floor far below him. He reached his hand over and helped Mac over the top.

"It's better than I remember it," she told him.

"It's pretty amazing," he added. "Deanna would hate it up here," he said without even thinking about what he was saying. Mac raised her eyebrows in question. "She's not a real fan of heights," he added.

"Oh," Mac looked down at her hands. "My dad and I climbed together. Mom thought we were nuts. She couldn't make it up a boulder without starting to shake." Mac leaned back and grabbed some trail mix out of the pack that she wore and took a handful and offered it to Will.

"What about your mom? Did she do the rough and tumble things with you?" Mac asked

Will as he popped some food in his mouth. "My mom died when I was five," he told her flatly. "I don't remember a whole lot about her."

Mac dropped her head. "I'm sorry Sir. I didn't know."

"That's quite alright. It's not something that is public knowledge." He thought about those around him who knew anything about his childhood. "My friends know," he added.

"Does that mean that I am a friend?" she asked cautiously.

"Is that the goal of bringing me here?" Will asked her.

"Would it be evil if it were?"

Will looked around at the view. It felt as if he were on top of the world. "No, not evil," he told her. "Right at this moment I could use a friend. Especially one with big ears," he teased.

Mac defensively reached up to hide her ears. "You said I had lovely ears!"

"I said that you had well proportioned ears."

"Well, you almost called them lovely," she shied away.

"Before I decided that might not be the most appropriate thing for a captain to say to one of his officers."

Mac leaned slightly closer to him. "A captain? Or a married captain?" she asked.

Will looked down into Mac's light brown eyes and sighed. "Both," he told her.

They talked a bit more before heading back down the face of the mountain.

"I'll lead," Will told her as they prepared to descend.

"I told you, you liked that position," Mac shrugged and nodded in agreement.

"No, I just thought that looking at your backside all the way down would be fair play," he said coolly and started down the mountain while she held his roped.

"I could drop you!" she called.

"You could, but you won't."

"You trust me that much?" she asked.

"Every day of my life," he told her looking up to see her face peering over the mountain at him. "Or haven't you noticed?"

He kept himself from returning the compliment of calling her butt cute, as he was sure that crossed a line, but didn't necessarily object to the view as they descended. And that began to nag at him. _It's right in front of me, it's not like I am seeking it out._ He told himself. _It's nothing. Besides, Deanna's is cuter. Deanna has a bit of curve to her that I have always thought was incredibly sexy. Mac is a stick. Not a lot there to be looking at to start with._ This argument with himself continued most of the way down the mountain, comparing and contrasting, and it was not limited to their physical attributes. By the time his feet were safely on the ground his hands burned from gripping the rope. He held it taut as Mac repelled the rest of the way down the mountain, but as she came within a meter or so of her feet touching down the rope slipped slightly in his hands and without much grace, Mac fell square on her butt.

"Oh my God!" Will came to her helping her up. "Are you okay? I am so sorry." He took her by the hand and helped her to her feet. It appeared that her pride had taken a beating, but other than that, she was fine. Her face was a combination of laughter and fury and Will began to laugh in spite of himself. "I really am sorry," he told her still chuckling.

"I can tell," she said rubbing her butt a bit.

Will fell silent, biting his lip to keep from cracking a smile.

"Oh, go ahead," she said smiling herself. "You won't be the first man to get a real kick out of watching me fall flat on my ass. My dad's been finding it entertaining for years."

Will watched her quietly and reached out to help her with some of her equipment.

"Well, mine too, if it makes you feel any better. Just another thing we have in common."

"Really?" Mac asked. "Mine thinks I am the perfect cocktail party joke."

"Mine thought that my successes were accidents and my failures were par for the course. Of course he passed away about a year ago, so now I am an orphan." Will said dropping his harness into the pack.

Mac hung her head again. "I'm sorry. I love my dad. He can just be hard to deal with sometimes," she told him.

"Yeah, I learned to cope over the years," he told her as they cleared up and began to head out of the holodeck.

"Got any pointers that you care to share?" she asked.

"Let me take you to dinner in the forward lounge," he said. "As an apology for dropping you on your ass. Then I will share my pearls of wisdom." Will led her with a hand on her back towards the turbo lift to the forward lounge.

"Like…" Mac asked for hints of his wisdom.

"Well for starters, I tried to keep a minimum of 4 light years distance between us. I thought of it as my own personal neutral zone."

He enjoyed spending time with Mac and he found opportunities to be with her as often as occasion would permit. They laughed easily together and she would listen to him, let him talk about whatever he needed and she did not judge or take anything he said out of context or get emotional about it.

After a few weeks of enjoying stolen hours with Mac, Will was contacted by Star Fleet Command and asked to speak at the sector conference on Attilia Prime. When he got such extraordinary news he wanted nothing more than to share it with someone he loved.

He hurriedly entered his quarters feeling like he would burst. He looked around for Deanna, but she was not there. "Computer, Locate Counselor Troi." Will called.

"Counselor Troi is in sickbay." The disembodied voice of the computer answered him.

He headed out of his quarters and straight to sickbay. He couldn't wait to tell her. He found her sitting in Jenny's office in Sickbay, the two of them speaking softly. He tapped lightly on the glass wall separating them and stuck his head in.

"Hey," he called as the women looked up at him. "Everything okay?"

Deanna nodded and Jenny sighed. "I think I should go check on Ensign Farak," Jenny said rising from her seat, giving Deanna a knowing look and walking out of her office.

Will entered the office and sat in the chair next to Deanna. He reached out his hand and rubbed her upper arm. "Hey, you okay?" he questioned again softly.

"I'm fine," Deanna told him, really looking at him for the first time and wiping at the corner of her eyes. "What are you doing here?" she asked him.

"I had something I wanted to tell you."

Deanna nodded. "Me too."

Will leaned to the edge of his seat to be closer to her. "You first. Deanna, what is it?" He reached out his other arm to her and slowly she leaned forward until she was in his arms.

"I'm not pregnant," she whispered into his chest.

Will mentally kicked himself. He had completely forgotten that this was the day for her monthly evaluation. "I'm sorry, Dea," was all he could think to say. But she nodded as if she understood. This was a conversation that they had over and over again. They would try again. It would just be a little longer, that they loved each other. None of it made a difference and so what was the point of saying the same phrases month after month?

"I don't want to keep doing this Will. I don't like the way I feel. I miss you," she began to cry quietly as she spoke, getting a bit louder with each word. "I miss ME! What is wrong with me?" She cried in earnest now tucked against his chest with his chin resting in her hair.

"Okay, Let's stop," Will said comfortingly, but it was the least comforting thing he had ever said.

Deanna immediately pulled back from him, water from her large dark eyes still dribbling down her face. "What? That's it?" Deanna asked in a hurt whisper. "Do you even want a baby?"

Will froze. More and more he asked himself if all of this were worth it. He and Deanna had been happy all by themselves, but he didn't think this was the best moment to share those feelings. He was caught with nothing to say, so he shrugged his shoulders.

"This was your idea, Will. You said we'd be fine. You said this is what you wanted. I let it be your choice, remember?"

Will only nodded. She was right. It had been his call. And he knew in his heart at any point he could put his foot down and say enough, no more, and she would go along with it. But at what cost? How would she ever feel about him if he took this away from her?

"Now, what? I'm so difficult that you have changed your mind?"

"I don't want you to do something that you don't want to do. That's all."

"Oh Will," she sighed slipping back against his chest. "I'm not ready to give up, not really. But it's just so hard. I don't know what to do."

Will sighed and began to rub her back. "I know. I wish it weren't so hard on you. It won't be much longer," he repeated the words like a stuck audio loop. "You can do this, you are so strong. We love each other enough to get through this. You'll see."

After a few minutes Deanna calmed down in his embrace and she peaked up at him from behind her brown curls. "You wanted to tell me something, Will. I'm sorry. What is it?"

He had been bursting to tell her a few minutes before, but now, it didn't seem like it was the right time to share. "Nothing. It's not important," he told her. "I was asked to speak at a conference next month. That's all."

"Are you excited?" She asked him.

He only shrugged and continued to rub her back. When she was feeling more up to it Will took her home and fixed her something to eat. She looked exhausted. But the more he sat with her the more his mind wandered to the topic of his speech. Deanna hadn't asked about it again. Maybe a different day would be better to talk with her about it, get her help writing his speech.

"I think I am just going to go to bed and let this day be over," Deanna told him as she curled on the couch.

"You should go take a bath. It will make you feel better," Will offered.

"Maybe," Deanna considered. "What are you up to?"

"Oh," Will sighed. "I just have to drop by and talk to a few people still tonight." Deanna nodded as she stood up and walked toward the bathroom. "I won't be too long," he called and he was out the door. He was so excited about the opportunity to speak at the conference; he just wanted someone to be excited with him. John had been preoccupied and had barely said 'that's great' and even that lacked enthusiasm. Deanna had blown it off entirely. He came to Mac's door and looked around. What would he do if crewmembers saw him coming and going from her quarters? Nothing inappropriate was happening, but it was the appearance of what others might think that made him a bit apprehensive. Still, he wanted to tell someone who would truly be excited for him. He rang the chime and waited for a bit.

"Come in" Mac's voice called and the doors swung open. She was coming out of her bedroom wearing a tight, low cut tee shirt and comfortable looking black pants. Her blonde hair was pulled back and pined precariously against the back of her head.

Will stepped inside and exhaled only when the doors had closed behind him. "Hi," he began.

"Well hello, Sir. To what do I owe the honor of a visit from my captain?" she asked with a sardonic tone in her voice.

Will took another step or two inside. "I wanted you to know that I was invited today to be the key note speaker at the conference on Attilia Prime, to discuss the Federation's positions of strength in this sector and addressing our weaknesses."

Mac's mouth hung open a bit. "Really?" she asked with that same tone. "Shouldn't that be job for an admiral or some uppity up?" she asked.

"I know." He shrugged.

"Oh my God, Will. You know what this means?" she asked waiting for his response.

"You are an uppity up. Congratulations!" Mac practically bounced across the floor and threw her arms around him. He returned her embrace, not feeling the slightest hesitation.

"I am so proud of you. Star Fleet Command has so much confidence in you," she said as she slid slightly out of his arms.

"Thanks," Will responded almost shyly. This was, after all, the reaction he was hoping for. "Of course it might just mean that we were the closest ship." He tried to sound humble.

"Are we?" Mac asked shocked.

"No," Will admitted and she swatted him in the arm. "You need to write a speech! Do you know where you are going to start? You could go linearly, or in order of importance, or even chronologically!" Now Mac was just babbling.

"Mac," Will interrupted. "We've got a month to figure it out." Had he said we? Had he meant to say we?

"Yeah, but you don't want to wait till the last minute. Hey! I have an idea. Why don't you come by for dinner tomorrow night and I could help you with the research. We could make a mess all over the floor and lay out all the different ways to go about it and then you could pick one!"

Will felt that slight nag in the back of his mind and pushed it away again. "I guess I could use the help," Will agreed.

"Great!" Mac replied. "It's a date!"

The words hung in the air and that little part of Will's brain was suddenly so loud that it seemed to drown out all the other sources of noise. "I should go," Will said backing towards the door. "I just wanted to tell you."

"I'm glad you did." Mac smiled at him. "And Captain," Mac called just as he turned to go. She came up close to him again and leaned up to place a kiss on his cheek. The feel of her lips on his skin was like a burning sensation traveling through his body as his brain screamed louder and louder. She pulled away again, looking up at him with an innocent grin. "Congratulations!"

With that she stepped away and Will walked out of her quarters. Will's mind was swimming. He had gone there to hear her say that she was happy for him, proud of him, and he had gotten that. So why did he feel more miserable now than before he left his home?

Will caught John Knox in the turbo lift the next afternoon. "Hey, John. Do you have plans tonight?" Will asked him.

"Are you asking me out, Captain?" John batted his eyes and made a ridiculous face.

Will only shrugged. "Sort of."

"Well, then I would need to get the okay from my wife. Why? What did you have in mind?"

"A little speech writing party. I can use all the help I can get."

"I that case, I'm in." John said as they reached deck 8 and John stepped forward to exit.

"Great! 19:00 in Commander McKenna's quarters," he called and just saw the puzzled expression on his first officer's face as the doors slid closed.

Will and John approached Mac's door together and Will rang the chime.

"Come in," she called. As the door opened Mac's face changed from an open smile, to a hint of annoyance. "Captain, Commander," she greeted them and tried not to act as if she were surprised by their third wheel's appearance.

"Hey Mac," Will greeted her. "Thanks again for offering to help. Really. I am a bit overwhelmed, but I am sure once I get started, it will all come together."

"Always does," John chimed in.

"Right," Mac was a little unnerved but tried not to show it. "Well come on in and we can get started. I started pulling some information on the settlements around the outer perimeter…"

"And food," John said looking over at the table. Two plates, two glasses and suddenly that sinking feeling in the pit of his stomach he got every time he saw Mac eyeing the captain was back in full force. Now he got why he was here. He was playing chaperone. Now he was glad that he had invited others.

The three sat around the room pulling figures and data and organizing it by sections as they went. They talked some and laughed, though it was mostly John and Will. Will noted that Mac did not seem overly pleased that Will had brought along his first officer, but Will was relieved. It took some pressure off, and that nagging part of the back of his brain was finally quiet for a while.

After about an hour, a chime came at the door. "Come in," Mac called clearly irritated.

"Hey Tau!" John and Will called in unison to the Titans chief of security who stood in the doorway.

"Commander, Commander, Captain," Tau greeted looking around the room. "I have the data you asked for about outpost security," Tau offered the PADD to John.

"Take a seat, Lieutenant. This is all hands on deck. We want our captain to look sharp right?" Tau came in and took a seat on the couch next to Mac and nodded, glancing at the others. "The last thing we want is our captain to look bad. Right Mac?" The tone in his voice was firm as he looked Mac in the eye and handed her a PADD.

Mac tilted her head and tried to look unruffled. "Yes Sir." Mac answered a bit stubbornly trying not to read too much into his words.

The four officers worked into the night on research for their captain. "Alright," Will called standing up from his seat on the floor. "That's it for tonight folks. It's getting late and I happen to know you all have duty shifts tomorrow. So let's call it a night."

Each officer responded with a nod or grunt of agreement. "Thanks guys. Really. This has been a huge help."

Slowly Tau stood and stretched, bid everyone goodnight and left Mac's quarters. Will and John gathered up the PADD's that each person had been working on, as Mac cleaned up the scattered fragments of food. "Good night Mac. Thanks again for hosting our little shindig," John called as he headed towards the door, waiting for Will.

"Yeah, thanks, Mac. Really. I appreciate it." Will hung back a bit to talk to her. He reached out and touched her forearm. "Really," he told her again, hoping that she wasn't horribly upset with him.

"No problem," she told him, but it didn't sound very sincere and it did not show in her face.

"I know…" Will spoke softly, "I didn't warn you…"

Mac reached out and covered his hand with her own. "I know. It's okay," she told him. Then stepping a bit closer. "We'll talk later," she said glancing over at John who was waiting in the doorway.

Will nodded and stepped out the door with John behind him. They walked the length of the corridor in silence, but Will could feel John's intense gaze on him, and it felt heavy with disapproval. Just as they were stepping into the turbo lift, John stepped back snapping his fingers as if he were angry. "Oh, shoot. I forgot something." John took two or three more steps backwards down the corridor and Will began to join him. But John waved him off. "You go ahead. Tell Deanna good night for me." And John was off heading back down the corridor towards Mac's quarters.

Mac's heart jumped when the chime rang at her door. She rounded on the door with a huge smile on her face and called for her guest to come in. But when the doors opened to show John Knox standing in her door, her face fell dramatically. "Sir," Mac spoke first.

"Commander." John answered and waited to be invited in, but he was not. "May I come in?"

"Is there something I can do for you?" Mac asked with a nasty undertone showing in her voice.

"What I have to say, I don't want to say in the corridor and neither do you."

Mac gestured for him to come in and when the door was closed, Mac spoke. "What is it that I can do for you, Sir?" Mac's emphasis was on the word Sir.

"You can tell me what the hell you think you are doing?"

"Excuse me, Sir?" again the emphasis on Sir. "I don't have any idea what you are talking about."

John shook his head slightly and then squared down and looked the chief engineer right in the eye. "Yes, Mac. I think you do." They both stood determined for a moment in silence. "He's married Mac." John concluded.

"Did I do something to infer that he wasn't?" Mac asked with an innocent look on her face.

"Drop it, Mac." John told her flatly. "I saw it tonight, I've seen it from the moment you came on board, and I don't like it. Will and Deanna Riker are my friends."

"Will Riker is a grown adult and what he does and with whom is no ones business but his." Mac spoke defensively.

John stood glaring at her. "Back off, Mac. That's an order."

"With all do respect Commander, you can not give me orders about my personal life. And you certainly can't give them to Will."

"To who?" John asked, shocked with how casually she referred to him.

"Captain Riker," she corrected herself with stubborn resolve.

"You had better know what you are doing, Lieutenant Commander," John said and turned and began to head out the door.

"Don't worry," Mac spoke softer as he walked away. "I do."

Will tried to have that talk with Mac after the night of speech writing, but it just hadn't worked out. But at the moment he had other things on his mind. Will stood in the turbo lift lost in his own thoughts. He knew he needed to do something about Deanna, but it was the last thing he wanted to do. It had been weighing heavily on him for the past couple of days as more of his officers were expressing concern at counseling matters not being handled. John had tried to shield Will from as much of it as he could, but this was something that Will knew that he needed to deal with. Will watched as the turbo lift doors slid open and his chief engineer stepped inside.

"Captain," she acknowledged him. "Engineering," Mac called as the turbo lift began it's decent.

He had not spoken to her much in the four days since they had all worked on his speech together. He had been dealing with problems at home as Deanna became less and less able to handle her workload. He just didn't have time to quiet the gnawing feeling that being with Mac gave him in the back of his mind.

"Hey Mac," he said pulling himself from his thoughts. They stood for a few moments in silence.

"So," Mac broke in. "We never talked."

Will sighed heavily. "I'm sorry Mac. I am. Things got a little…busy," he finished unsurely.

"I heard that you have been a little surly the last few days. Anything I can help with?" Mac offered, her attitude light and friendly.

Will shook his head. "No. I just have to figure some things out."

Mac stepped up to him. "You want to know what my grandmother told me about dealing with things that you would rather not?"

"Why not," Will said with a light smile.

"You might as well start with the tough stuff. It makes the rest of your day go easier," Mac told him matter-of-factly.

"Thanks, Mac. I'm not sure that will hold true in this case, but I appreciate it."

"Yeah, well she was smart that way," she said reaching out and touching him lightly on the arm. The turbo lift began to slow as they approached engineering. Before they came to a stop Mac reached out and put her arms around Will's neck and pulled up on to her tip toes to give him a hug.

Will stiffened a little as he wondered what Mac was doing, but as she rested her head on his shoulder, Will relaxed enough to put his hands on her back and return the hug lightly. This was the second time Mac had hugged him a little less than a week. It was something that had made Will's mind scream the first time, but today his mind was quiet and the warmth of her against him felt good to him.

Slowly she pulled away and grinned shyly at him.

"What was that for?" Will asked as the doors opened.

Mac shrugged. "You just looked like a guy who needed a hug." Mac stepped out of the lift still looking at Will. "Bye Captain. I hope your day gets better."

It had not. Will had agreed to let John talk to Deanna and try to convince her to take a voluntary leave of absence. Will knew this was going to be a huge blow, but he hoped she would take it better from John than if he did it himself. John was impartial. John was not her husband. He hoped against hope that Deanna would be pregnant soon and they could start to heal.

Deanna had taken the leave, but it hadn't gone over quite as well as he had hoped. Deanna had closed up like a clam and he couldn't find the way out for her. He turned to his work instead, coming home less and less.

"Come" Will called and Mac came practically bounding into his ready room and pounced on the couch next to where Will sat reading. She was practically bursting with excitement.

"I have an idea!" she bubbled.

Will furrowed his eyebrows. "Do I want to know about it?" he asked skeptically.

Mac swatted him on the shoulder lightly and sank back on the couch. "Well what good does it do if you don't know about it?"

"Alright," Will sat up a little straighter. "Let's hear it."

"In two days we are scheduled to pass within transporter range of a Verlian ship yard!"

"Muh huh." Will continued to look at her reserved.

"Do you know that Verlian warp technology is compatible with our own?" Mac was now half kneeling on the couch next to him trying not to bounce out of her skin.

"Yes," Will nodded.

"Well, then, do you know that at this ship yard they happen to have six new warp converters?"

"We only need four," Will said beginning to follow her logic.

"Right!" Mac said flinging herself back onto the couch next to him.

"And what do they want in exchange for said warp converters?" Will asked skeptically.

"Don't worry. I'm not asking you to trade a photon torpedo or anything. What they need is medical supplies to restock a damaged ship."

"Medical supplies?" Will asked again.

Mac nodded with a look of pure rebellious zeal in her eyes.

"Do you have a list?" Will asked her again.

Mac pointed at his computer terminal. "I just sent it to you."

Will smiled at the ingenuity of his chief engineer. He stood up and reviewed the file on his screen. Then he nodded and sat back down on the couch without showing a single emotion. Mac practically wiggled in her seat waiting for Will's response to her plan.

"Captain to Dr. Knox. Report to my ready room."

"On my way, Sir." Came Jenny's response.

Mac squealed.

"Don't get ahead of yourself. Jenny's going to have to sign off on distributing the supplies."

"But if she does…" Mac waited.

"We know where these are from?" Will asked. Mac nodded. "And they work better than what we've got?" Will asked again.

"Only one way to find out. They can't be that much less reliable, right?" Will nodded.

"They only have to get us by for a few months before we get to the top of Star Fleet's list, right?" Will shrugged and nodded again.

"If Jenny agrees…" before he could finish, Mac was hugging him around the neck and bouncing on the furniture. "Okay, okay," Will said pulling away.

Mac drummed her hands on Will's thigh with excitement. "Let's go get us a working warp engine!" Mac squealed.

Will laughed at her childlike glee. He couldn't help but notice that she had not immediately removed her hand from where it now rested on his thigh, and they were suddenly quietly looking at each other. The whole room froze as the overwhelming sensation of her touch surrounded them both. It was as if tingling shivers were passing from her hands to his skin and up his whole body, and all just from her hand simply resting on his leg.

When the chime of the door sounded, Will leapt in surprise and was off the couch and across the room before he could get the words out of his mouth. "Come in."

He was breathing harder than normal and he could feel his pulse racing, but hoped the doctor didn't notice. "Je…Jenny," Will stuttered. _Calm down!_ He ordered himself.

"Could you grab my first officer and join us?" Will avoided looking at Mac as Jenny quickly gestured to John on the bridge and they both entered the ready room to find Mac sitting quietly on the couch and the captain almost pacing in the opposite corner.

John remained in the doorway and Jenny sat down on the couch next to Mac. The tension in the room seemed unusually high and John noticed how Jenny's eyes kept darting for Mac to the captain almost accusingly. John felt his pulse quicken. If Jenny saw something with the two of them, his life and the life of a few other people he knew was about to become drastically more complicated.

"We have an opportunity to acquire some new warp converters." Will informed them.

"At what cost?" was John's immediate question.

"Medical supplies," Mac answered.

Will turned his monitor around for Jenny to look at the list of requested medical supplies. She read and reread the list. Slowly she began to nod. "I think we can do this," Jenny told them.

Will couldn't help but glance at Mac and found her staring right back at him. He gave her a little nod.

"Make the needed arrangements," he gestured between Mac and John and the trio stood and walked out of his ready room leaving him alone.

Will shook his head. "What the hell was that?" he asked out loud to the empty room. He shook his head again, trying to clear his thoughts. What was it that he was feeling for Mac? Was it just that he was feeling so isolated from Deanna? He had been sleeping mostly on the couch or in his ready room since Deanna had taken the medical leave. But that didn't mean that there was something happening between him and Mac. It was nothing. It was innocent excitement. That was it. _Shake it off._ He told himself. _Do your job._ He knew that dwelling on it would not help.

_That's it for this one, but 13 and 14 are ready, whenever you ask for them! I don't want to put too much out there at once. _


	13. Chapter 13

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek TNG or any of it's original characters.

"Commander McKenna and I will be leaving for the ship yard in 22 hours. There apparently will need to be negations made on sight. So it may be a day before we get back." John told his captain as they stood in cargo bay 4 signing off on the assembled medical supplies.

Will paused and looked at his first officer. "I will be joining Mac to this mission John," Will told him and waited for the repercussions.

"Sir," John began. "I am more than…"

"I'm going John. I'm not installing parts into my engines I have not inspected myself, and if there is negotiations still to make, all the more reasons. You will be in command until we get back. Make the necessary changes." With that Will walked away effectively ending the conversation.

Deanna had barely spoken to him when he left. He knew she was unhappy with his decision, but he didn't have time to care. He waited for Mac in the transporter room. When she arrived she smiled casually at him and together they transported to the space dock for the Verlian shipyard.

The reception was less than warm by the dock commander. In fact everything about the facility was considerably less than warm, and it was not just the Verlian's manner and décor. The temperature hovered a bit above freezing and both Will and Mac were having trouble not shivering. After 3 hours of nothing but cool niceties they were finally allowed to inspect the converters.

Mac poured over them for hours. Will poked and prodded and listened as Mac talked while she worked. Finally she nodded and pointed to four of the six units in front of them.

"We'll take these four," Will told the Commander of the base. He only nodded and had his crewman mark each chosen converter.

"There may be other supplies that are needed." The tall skinny and completely bald commander's voice was hallow and vacant. "First you will eat. Then you will rest. Tomorrow you will meet with the pilot of the medical ship and finish the negations." He turned around and with a wave of his hand indicated that Will and Mac should follow him down the dark cold metal corridor. Eventually they stopped in front of a small hatch.

"These are the best accommodations that we can offer. There is a replicator inside."

His speech was slow and Will had never seen someone so devoid of all emotion. It was like everyone and everything on this space dock were dead.

"This place gives me the creeps." Mac told him once they were alone.

Will only nodded as they entered the compartment they had been assigned. "It feels like cold storage in here," he commented.

The room reminded him slightly of a federation detention cell. It was bare with what appeared to be bunk beds, except they were plain metal slabs with a folded blanket at the bottom of each. There was a small replicator against the opposite wall. Other than that, the room was empty with little space to put anything else.

"We couldn't go back to the ship?" Mac asked rubbing her own arms to warm herself.

"It would be an affront to our hosts. The research John did on the Verlians suggested that it would be best that we stayed until it was done," Will said looking around and inspecting their compartment with a tricorder. "My God it is cold in here!" he exclaimed.

Mac picked up the blanket from the top bunk and wrapped it around her tightly. "Hey," she said. "Where's that Alaskan boy I went rock climbing with? Surely you have been colder than this!"

Will nodded. "I guess. But I was probably better dressed for it. And maybe, just maybe I have gotten a little bit too used to the temperature controlled star ship life." He smiled a boyish grin and sat down on the lower bunk. "Are you hungry?" Will asked her.

She only shook her head. "Does it make steaming hot coffee?" Mac asked.

"Let's find out." Will stood and tried to operate the replicator and didn't stop until there was something hot to drink in each of their hands, but he would not stretch to call it coffee. The two of them spent most of the night alternating, one sitting on the bed and the other pacing up and down the length of the room to stay warm. They talked at length about what Mac had found on her inspection of the converters. "Still thinking this was a good idea?" Will asked at one point as he paced and watcher her huddled with her knees tucked up to her chest and her blanket surrounding her.

"Don't ask," she told him. "Did John say anything about these people living in artic conditions?"

Will shook his head. "If he had, I would have brought a coat," Will assured her.

Eventually they both agreed that it would be best to get some sleep.

"You on top," Will told Mac. "Hot air rises."

"Are you sure?" Mac asked as she stood by the foot of the bed.

Will gave her a nod and helped lift her by her waist up onto the upper slab. Will could hear the clinking and tinkling as Mac stirred to try to find a comfortable position above him as he lay still on his own cold slab with his own blanket stretched out over him, wondering if it were helping warm him at all. Finally Mac began to quiet down and Will thought she might have drifted off to sleep. He lay listening to the silence.

"Would it be terribly girly of me if I said I was cold?" her voice spoke quietly from the bed above him.

Will laughed silently to himself. "Would you think I was girly if I said I was too?" he answered.

They both chuckled on their frozen slabs. Then Will saw her legs swing down off the bed and she landed on the floor next to his head.

"Alright, I have an idea," Mac told him.

"Not another one," Will groaned. "That's how we got here."

"Oh, shut up," Mac told him pushing on his shoulder. "Scoot over."

Will felt the gnawing feeling come back again as he lay there looking at her in the darkened room.

"Two blankets are better than one," she told him holding up her blanket. "And the more body heat we trap, the better."

The body heat was the part that was making Will's stomach tighten.

"Come on. It's better than freezing all night," Mac told him.

She was just so matter of fact about it and Will knew logically that she was right. There was nothing wrong with this. This was simply getting through an away mission. Still, he didn't think it would go over too well with his wife if he came home and told her that he was cuddled up to his chief engineer all night, even if it was to keep from freezing.

"Will!" Mac called pulling Will from his mental debate. "Don't be a baby. Just scoot over."

Will sighed and turned over onto his side and scooted a little further over on his slab and Mac climbed in next to him, throwing her blanket over the top of Will's and spread them both over the top of the two of them. At first they lay face to face, each curled up on their side, staring at each other. "Comfortable?" Will finally asked.

Mac smiled a bit weakly. "Better, I guess. But I'm still a bit cold."

"Here," Will pulled her closer to his body and she turned with her back to him so that he was curled behind her with one arm around her waist and the other placed under her head. With him tight up against her back he could feel their warmth combining. "Better?" he asked her.

She nodded. "Good night Linsy," Will told her. He didn't know why he called her by her first name. It just felt right.

"Good night, Will."

Will felt Mac's body drift to sleep in his arms and he wished he could do the same. But every curve of Mac's body was keeping him awake. Mentally he pictured the line between captain and officer, between married man and single woman friend and wondered if maybe his toe was dangling over the edge a bit. No, he was simply keeping warm. Nothing more to it than that. Maybe it was just a toe closer to the line than he was comfortable with though, he thought as his mind wandered a bit and he felt the curves of Mac's body against his, especially her bottom pressing against his waist area just above his groin. He watched his hand raising and falling as it rested on her waist with every breath that she took. Will tried to block out the mental images that were dancing around in the back of his head. _Back up Riker, _he chastised himself. _You're just keeping warm. Remember that._ Finally Will felt sleep begin to overtake him and for a while his brain ran unchecked as he slept.

When he woke up to the cold air on his face a few hours later he found that he was laying on his back with Mac curled up next to his body, her head resting on his chest. Lying underneath the blankets with her, he was no longer cold at all, but felt warm and content with her against him, and that alone was enough to frighten him. Will tried to move a bit to regain some personal space, but Mac snuggled up tighter to him, pulling herself towards him and one knee swinging over his leg to rest on the inside of his thigh. Her knee slowly traced its way up his leg. Will felt his pulse quicken. He could hear the blood pounding in his ears as his body seared with heat in a trail wherever their bodies came in contact. He tried to slow his breathing as he decided on his next move. Mac's breaths were still slow and even. It was clear to Will that she was still sleeping. Slowly he moved his arm that was pinned under Mac's neck and moved his hand up to her back.

"Mac," he whispered placing his hand on her waist as to move her away from him.

Mac's voice was still heavy with sleep as she tucked herself closer to him again. "Will," she responded to his touch by her hand caressing his chest as her knee stretched down and then back up the inside of his leg. "Oh, Will," she sighed again. She was also starting to breath faster. Her hand roamed over his chest and torso. His hand still rested on her hip, but as much as his brain was screaming for him to, he did not pull her away from him. Being this close to her was making his head spin. His hand slowly moved to rub along her back. He told himself that he was only trying to wake her up. But the now screaming presence in the back of his mind told him that he was aware that he was lying to himself.

"Linsy," he spoke again slightly louder.

Her hand slipped down to the top of his pants and roamed around the edge of his waistband. His body's physical response was immediate. _Oh God,_ he thought, and almost in response Mac moaned, "Oh my God, Will." She couldn't still be sleeping, he thought as her body began to move against him. Her leg slowly pulled up and over his and her body pulled across his, until she was lying directly on top of him. Her breasts rubbed against his chest as her hands slipped down the sides of his body and came to rest at the back of his waist, pulling slightly at the edge of his pants. Her groin was now grinding against his and he had to bite down on his own lip to keep from moaning. But he did nothing to stop her. He kept waiting, as if hoping somehow fate would reach out and stop what he didn't seem to have the willpower or desire to make end himself. Without warning, she leaned up and pushed herself up and off his chest. Her eyes were still closed and her hair was falling loosely around her face as she leaned into him and softly, gently kissed his lips. Will froze under her, but without the need for him to respond, her kiss turned fiery and passionate. When she scrapped along his bottom lip with her teeth, he felt his body react to her in spite of his screaming brain. He brought his hand up to her hair and pulled it aside, tangling his fingers into it as they moved in rhythm. Her body was melding to his the longer their kiss continued as if it actually had the power to melt them together.

As suddenly as it had begun, Will's brain took over from his body's autopilot. He grabbed her by the forearms and flipped their position so that she now lay beneath him. Both their eyes were open wide, their breathing labored as their faces were mere centimeters apart. He could feel her hot breath on his cheek and it only served to remind him how cold the room was. Cold, perhaps, was exactly what Will needed and since he lacked a shower, the air in the room would have to do. Will stood up from the bed and walked to the far corner of the room.

Mac sat up part of the way, pulling the blankets up around her. "Captain?" she called. "You'll freeze." Her voice sounded calm and even. It wasn't possible that she was asleep that whole time, _was it?_ thought Will. The only thing that betrayed that anything had happened in the room at all was the sound of each of their heavy breathing.

"Go back to sleep, Mac." Will told her as he sat on the ground up against the wall.

"But…"

"I'll be fine." Will didn't sleep a moment for the rest of the night. He only replayed the scene in his mind and waited for morning. He wished he had let John come with Mac to this frozen hellhole. All he wanted to do was get back to his ship, his wife, his life. This was not where he belonged. If Deanna found out what had just happened, how could he explain? It wasn't meant to be like that. Mac was just his friend, his colleague. That was it. He needed to get home to Deanna.

….

Will stood from his chair in his darkened quarters. Lying there like that with his mind dragging him back through all the memories and emotions was not helping. He looked around for something that would stop his mind, something to stop the throbbing ache in his head, and heart.

The chime rang on his door, but he made no move to answer it. He did not want to see or talk to anyone. The chime rang again. Will realized that if he did not answer, it might cause real alarm with ship's security. But still….

"Come," he said without a hint of actually meaning it. He hoped whoever it was would see that he wanted to be alone and leave. But as the doors slid open, Will's heart sunk clear to his toes.

She didn't wait for a word from him; she just came up to him and threw her arms around his neck, and spoke in a fierce whisper. "Don't, Will. Don't. Don't push me away. Please, just this once. I swear."

Will stood as still as a statue, not quite sure of what to make of the scene around him.

"Mac," he finally spoke.

"No, Will, please. Let me get this out before I can't…" She tightened her hold around his neck and he did nothing to disentangle her. She took a couple of breaths and began to whisper again. Her voice held so much emotion that it was impossible for her to contain it. "Thank you. This has been my dream and I know it wouldn't have happened without you." She stayed just as she was for what seemed like minutes. Then Will felt something wet against his neck and realized that they were Mac's tears. Slowly his hands closed around her back and rested lightly on her shoulders. "No one has ever believed in me like you have. And I almost ruined it," she told him. "Ruined everything. I'm sorry, Will. I'm sorry." He could feel the soft shuddering of her back against his hands as she cried in earnest now. Will only stood and held her.

"Mac," he finally began, and this time she did not stop him. "You didn't do anything that I didn't allow you to. I am your captain, I am older, and I'm married, not you. This was my fault."

She shook her head hard against the crook of his neck. "Thank you for believing in me," she whispered. "I won't let you down, I promise." As quickly as she had come, she slipped out of Will's arms and without pausing to look at him, turned and was gone.

Will stood just as he had been before she appeared, except he could feel his hands trembling. He took a couple of deep breaths to try to regain what was left of his mental balance. He couldn't help but wonder if that was the last conversation that he would ever have with her, and he wondered how he would feel leaving it that way. He walked towards the replicator, but did not order anything. Instead, he leaned down and took from a small cupboard below it a small bottle full of amber gold liquid. He did not even order a glass. All he wanted was to stop feeling, stop thinking.

….

When Mac woke up in the morning, Will was gone. There was only a PADD lying next to her with orders for her to reinspect each converter before they were transferred to the ship. She tried to shake the sick feeling in the pit of her stomach. The night before was a bit of a blur. All she knew for sure was that she desperately wanted to talk to Will, but she reread the PADD and decided instead to follow his orders for now and talk later. Mac walked out of the compartment and found her way to the cargo bay and began to look over the converters yet again.

The Verlian crewman began to prepare the units for transport, when Mac stopped him.

"Is my captain available?" she asked him. He had only uttered a word or two to her the day before and she was not even sure that he understood her. But he nodded. "May I see him?" Mac asked again. The crewman put down his equipment and began to walk out of the bay with out a word to Mac, but she cautiously followed him. She was led to a room where she found Will. Seeing him made her stomach do a twist inside her. He was deep in conversation with a shorter man that she assumed was the captain of the medical freighter. Mac hovered awkwardly in the corridor and waited, not wanting to interrupt until Will saw her there.

He looked up at her, but made no act of acknowledging the smile that she offered him.

"Grand Commodore," Will spoke to the shorter man, "This is my chief engineer. She brought your need of supplies to my attention."

The shorter man extended his hand to her and she shook it firmly, but her eyes lingered on Will. "I owe you gratitude, then, Engineer."

"We have received all that we need, Commodore, I assure you." Will answered for her. "The medical supplies will begin to arrive in only a few more minutes. Once you have inventoried them, my engineer and I will be transporting back to our ship with the warp converters that were provided to us." Will turned his attention to Mac. "The converters are ready?" he asked.

"They…" Mac hesitated. "Almost Sir." She could see that his jaw was clenched tight and his body language was ridged, so different from the way he usually carried himself.

"What is the problem?" he asked in a fierce whisper.

"I just wanted to see you before signing off on them." Will pulled Mac a step away from the other ears in the room, and then she continued. "You were gone when I woke up." Mac told him. Her voice sounded truly concerned to Will, which only made him feel worse, but he stiffened further as she continued to talk. "I just wanted to know that you were okay. I was…" she hesitated again. "I was worried about you." She said with an exhale, and looked up into his face. He still showed her no emotion.

"I'm fine. Are you?" he asked but there was little real concern in his voice. Mac lowered her eyes and nodded. "Good, then get back to the converters and get them ready for transport."

"Could we talk?" Mac asked almost desperately as he began to step away from her.

"Right now, I need you to do your job, Mac." And he turned away from her and walked back to the group of men. It was the last she saw of him for five hours as she reinspected and signed off on the converters. When she was done, she found the captain bidding farewell to their hosts. With their good byes offered he walked over to Mac in the open foyer area where they had transported in 30 hours before. "Let's get out of here." Will said seeming frustrated. As he reached up to tap his comm. badge, Mac reached out and stopped his hand half way to his chest.

"Maybe we should talk before we go back," Mac offered as they stood in the open area alone for the first time since the night before, still holding his hand with her own.

"There's nothing to say, Mac. We came, we got what we came for. Let's go." He pulled his hand away form her. Will felt his skin crawl from the cold of the atmosphere as well as the dread of this conversation. He didn't want to be there for a minute longer than he needed to be.

"Will…" It seemed to Mac that she was far more anguished by the situation than he was.

"Commander," Will brought the relationship back to a more formal nature. "Let's finish this job." He raised his hand and tapped his badge. "Riker to Titan. Two to beam up."

Will came in to his quarters that evening exhausted from the lack of sleep, freezing accommodations, and stressful conditions aboard the Verlian space dock. There was nothing he wanted more than a shower and a good nights sleep. But as he walked into the bedroom, he found Deanna sitting on the end of their bed. The guilt that had threatened to consume him all day came thundering over him when he saw her. He tried to tuck the images of the night before away in his head before Deanna could sense them for herself.

"So," Deanna spoke first as Will walked into the room. "Was it worth it?"

Will froze at her words. He felt his heart start to race. Was it possible that somehow she already knew? He tried to take a deep breath and think of where to start. But before he could even begin, Deanna went on.

"Did you get the converters?" She asked simply.

Will almost felt as if his ability to breath suddenly returned to his lungs. He gulped in the air and then tried to respond casually. "Yeah. Mac is installing them now."

"So they'll work then?" Deanna was trying very hard to sound as concerned about the topic of warp core converters as Will was.

Will just wanted to get some space and clear his thoughts. "We'll have to wait and see," he said heading off to the shower. He entered the bathroom and pulled off his boots and socks, then his uniform tunic and turned on the shower. He tried the tune everything out but the sound of the shower, but as he stood with his back to the door, he felt her hands on his back. He closed his eyes tighter trying to block out any image but that of Deanna.

She ran her hands up his bare back and began to rub his shoulders. "I missed you," she spoke softly to him. "I'm sorry about being angry about you going. I ovulated while you were gone and I guess I just felt like we were loosing time."

Will sighed heavily as she ran her fingers through the hair at the back of his neck. He could hear the emotion in her voice and he could barely control his own.

"I was being selfish. You needed to go. And now you are home, and we are here together." Deanna leaned into her husband's back and began kissing his skin. Will's eyes shut tight to hold back the waves of emotions that were flowing through him. He missed her so much, but now he could not bare to face her.

"Deanna," Will whispered turning to face her thought his heart screamed for him not to.

"I know you needed to go Will. You don't have to feel guilty about it. We are together now. It doesn't have to be a waste." Deanna smiled at her husband. Slowly she began to kiss his chest and hold him tight against her and she felt him begin to relax and respond to her.

Will wanted nothing more then his wife in his arms, but how was it possible that she could have misread his guilt so easily? She had said that she was having trouble reading other's emotions. Was it possible if he just kept him mind closed to her that he could keep this from her. Will used every technique that Deanna had ever taught him to close off part of his mind to her as he made love to his wife, but when he did walk in to the shower half an hour later he felt slightly sick to his stomach. He didn't know how to explain how he was feeling inside, how he felt about Deanna or even, god forbid, Mac. But he knew that the one person who could always help him sort out his feelings was the one person he would not be talking to.

When he stepped back out of the shower into his room he saw Deanna curled in a ball on her side of the bed, with the sheet tucked around her body. There were still tear stains on her face and Will could see that his wife had cried herself to sleep and he couldn't bare to climb in next to her. He pulled on a pair of loose pants and went out to the couch to lie down.

It had been almost a week since Mac had finished installing the new warp converters and finally for the first time in almost 9 months, the engines on the Titan were performing exactly as they should. In fact they were performing better than they were supposed to. In two weeks Will would be delivering his big speech on Attilia prime. His speech was coming along, and his ship was running like the well-oiled machine that it was. Except that Will's relationship with Deanna was icy cold. He had also put up an icy brick wall between himself and his chief engineer. Their conversations had been sparse and only in the most public of forums and as Will concluded his staff meeting that morning without a word to her, Will watched Mac stand up and leave the table with a deeply hurt look on her face. He felt the small stab in his heart. Maybe he was going about this all wrong. All he knew was that he had to get the situation under control. He questioned over and over in his head how much of what happened that night on the space dock was an accident, a dream, something other than raw emotion, a huge mistake or lack of judgment. He was making himself sick worrying about it and rarely went to sleep without an ache in his belly. And what if Mac had been asleep the whole time, had meant none of it, how did he then justify his treatment of her, his abrupt change in behavior?

The truth was, as Will mulled around in his ready room, trying to organize his speech, he knew he was wishing she would find a reason to stop in and that she might offer to help him again. Deanna had still shown no interest in the speech, other than sitting patiently and listening to him practice it night after night. But her feedback remained minimal.

Maybe it wasn't about the speech or whether or not he wanted Mac's help as much as he wanted her company. He hadn't laughed since he had gotten back. In fact he was not even sure he had smiled. He missed Mac. He knew he couldn't let anything like what happened down on the space dock happen again, but that wasn't what he missed. He missed talking with her, knowing that she would listen and care. He knew she was hurt by his sudden coldness to her, but he didn't know what to do. He couldn't tell Deanna about it. It would break her heart, not to mention her down trodden spirit. But isolating himself from Mac didn't feel like the right answer either.

With a sigh, Will put down the PADD containing the main body of his speech and headed out the door to the turbo lift.

"Deck 19," Will called. "Main engineering." He didn't know what he was going to say when he got there, but he thought he had some time on the decent to figure it out. The turbo lift stopped on deck 8 and in stepped Mac. She had just had lunch in the forward lounge and was heading back down to engineering. Will just stared at her for a moment.

_Time's up,_ he thought.

"Main engineering," Mac called to the computer, seeming to not acknowledge his presents.

"Hi Mac," Will said softly.

Mac looked over each shoulder confused. "I'm sorry, Captain. Are you speaking to me? Because you seemed to abruptly stop doing that about six days ago with no reason or explanation. So I just was wondering who…"

Will held his hand up as if to make her stop. "Okay, okay. I get it. I'm sorry. I shouldn't have acted like that."

"Like what?" Mac asked again with her mock confusion. "Like I ceased to exist?" Her words were harsher now as she continued to speak.

"Mac," Will tired again.

"Captain," she responded formally.

"I know I didn't handle it well, Mac. I know. But Mac, what was I supposed to do? This…" he gestured between the two of them. "Mac, this can't happen. I'm married."

"Did I ever ask you not to be?" Mac asked softly. "Did I sleep through the part where I told you to ditch her for me? Did I ever ask you for anything?"

"That's not the point, Mac."

"I think it is Will. Your marriage is your own business. It doesn't involve me and I like it that way. I'm not asking for anything, but for your friendship." Mac turned away from him as the doors slid open to engineering. " I don't have so many friends that I can just casually loose one. I guess you don't need many friends, do you Captain?" and with that she was gone and Will was left standing in the turbo lift not knowing what to make of Mac's comments, but knowing that he didn't want her to be angry or hurt anymore.

Deanna didn't know that anything had happened, and Will decided it was better that way. She wouldn't respond well to whatever Will told her. Will had the situation under control. Mac was right. She was not asking anything of him. This was Will's situation to control and he could. He knew where the line was. There was nothing wrong with their friendship. He needed to fix it. Without it, he was desperately lonely.

Later that day, Will stopped in to the ship's stores. He began scanning through the catalogs for items that he thought she might like.

"A gift for your wife?" one of the clerks asked coming up behind him.

Will almost jumped out of his skin. "Yes, thank you," Will told her dismissively, and he continued to look through until he spotted it. It was a simple silver chain with a purple amethyst right in the center. He could picture it around her slender neck with her blond hair falling around it. The blond hair that had felt so good tangled in his hand as they had kissed –_No! Stop it!_ Will screamed at himself. He could control this relationship. They were friends, colleges. Nothing more.

"I would like this," Will said pointing it out to the clerk.

"It's lovely," she replied. "Is it your wife's birthday? Anniversary?" she asked.

"No. It's just a Tuesday."

The woman smiled warmly at him. "Tell me where I can find a man like you?" she asked, giggling and moved past him. "I will box it up for you."

"Thank you," Will replied, feeling very self-conscious.

"Would you like to fill out a card to go with it?"

"Yes, I would." The woman handed him a card and he began to type in the words,

_I'm sorry for the way I have been behaving. I have been acting like a fool. _

_You are right, about everything. Please forgive me and we can go back and _

_try this again?_

_I'll do it better next time. I don't want to loose your friendship._

_All my love, _

_Will_

….

When the chime rang at his door for the second time that night, Will hesitated again. What if it were Mac again. He was in no condition to deal with her now. He wasn't in any condition to do a lot of things. He was slumped in the chair with the half empty bottle of whiskey in his hand. It had accomplished its mission. He could no longer think clearly and his emotions were muted behind the thick veil of an alcohol-induced fog. The chime rang again. He just sat there. The chime rang for the third time.

"Go away," he called, his speech slightly slurred.

The chime rang again. It occurred to him that it could be his first officer. Perhaps now would be a good time to tell him that his captain was completely incapacitated. Of course he could have asked the computer to identify his visitor, but that thought was far too logical for his drunken fog.

"WHAT!" he called again. The doors opened to show Jenny Knox standing with her arms folded across her chest looking either worried or furious, he couldn't tell which and he was not entirely sure he cared.

She looked at the captain and gasped, coming inside uninvited and not caring one bit. She stood over him full of disapproval. "What are you doing?" she asked.

"What does it look like I'm doing?" Will asked her, again his speech slurring.

"Have you been drinking?" she asked leaning to take the bottle from his hand and staring at its contents. "What is this?"

"It's whiskey. What does it look like?" Will responded beligerantly.

"Unbelievable! I swear to God, Will Riker. You are the most destructive, self indulgent…"

"She's divorcing me, Jen." Will was speaking to Jenny but his eyes were vacantly staring at the opposite wall from where he sat.

"Hey, Hey!" Jenny called until he lazily moved his eyes to look at her. She bent down so

that she was on his same level. "You are NOT getting divorced."

"Yes, Jenny. She filed for divorce. I can show you…" he made a vain attempt to stand.

"Really?" Jenny asked skeptically. Clearly Will was completely intoxicated. Will sighed heavily and sank back into his chair. "Listen to me, Captain. You are NOT getting divorced. She is my best friend aboard this ship and she is not leaving me here, stuck with just YOU." She put her arms under his shoulders and gave him a heave.

"I don't know what to do. She won't take me back," Will said stumbling, with Jenny's support, to his feet.

"Yes, she will." Jenny waived her hand in front of her face, and turned her head to avoid Will's alcohol soaked breath. "What we need is a plan."

"I plan on drinking until it doesn't hurt anymore," Will said trying to take the small bottle from Jenny's hands. But her reactions were far superior to his own.

"Well, in that case it is time for a NEW plan." Jenny took the bottle of alcohol and held it out from him and steered him into the bedroom. She left him hovering in the doorway and continued into the bathroom and dumped the remaining contents down the drain.

"Got any more?" she asked as she came back to the doorway where he stood.

He ignored the question, so she began to look around the rooms. She noticed an open cabinet underneath the replicator and leaned down to check it's contents. Sure enough there stood a bottle of what appeared to be wine. She took it from its shelf and prepared to dispose of it when she read the label. It was from the Picard vineyards. She realized that it must have been a gift from Will and Deanna's last captain and she hesitated. Clearly, this was being saved for a special occasion.

"Alright, look," Jenny turned back to him with the bottle in her hand. "I'm not going to dump it out, but don't drink this tonight. You'll hate yourself in the morning." She bent down to put the bottle back and continued under her breath, "No matter what you do, you are going to hate yourself in the morning."

"Why are you here, yelling at me, and why are you talking so fast?" Will asked grabbing his head.

Jenny sighed. She hated drunk people. "I am here because I have a plan. I am yelling at you because you are drunk and I am not talking fast. I am talking at my completely normal speed!" She said shoving the bottle back in the cabinet.

Jenny walked back towards her captain, shutting the cabinet with her foot. "Tell me," she asked him, though she wondered if her could give a coherent answer. "Did it occur to either of you geniuses that she might hear about this little coup you two were throwing?"

"What?" Will asked predictably.

"You and my adorably stupid husband. Did it occur to you that she might hear that you were promoting Linsy McKenna and that she might interpret that information differently than either one of you geniuses intended?"

"How would she have heard that?" Will asked. His speech was slurring again as he bumbled around his bedroom apparently looking for something.

"That, I don't know. But she did."

"How do you know that?" Will asked giving up on standing and sinking down on the end of the bed.

"I got a letter from Deanna tonight," Jenny began.

"_You_ got a letter!" Will roared.

Jenny turned her head away and made a sour face as his strong breath hit her in the face.

"I didn't get a letter. I just got divorce papers. She didn't even write me a letter." His face looked broken. "She hates me."

"No, Will. Look at me," Jenny told him. "You have got to get it together! She doesn't hate you. Listen to me. She said that you had clearly made your decision and she had to move on too. She must have heard about the promotion. It's the only thing that makes sense."

"Nothing makes sense," Will told her.

"That's because you're drunk! I swear! Listen to me. We are going to make a plan, do you hear me? This is not happening," Jenny told him, starting to take off his shoes and socks to roll him into bed. "And this little meltdown is going to stay between the two, well three of us. I think I will go home and tell my husband that he is in command since you are clearly incapacitated."

"I am not incapacitated!"

"Whatever, but I am relieving you of command, at least until morning."

Will flopped back onto his bed, his arms spread out at his side.

"So are you ready to hear the plan?" Jenny asked him.

"She filed for divorce," he repeated, his voice hollow and vacant.

"I know," Jenny grabbed the blanket and pulled it up over him.

"Can you unfile for divorce?" he asked her weakly. She could see how tired he was as she sat next to him on the bed.

"I don't know. But I have a plan."

"I don't."

"I noticed."

"Help me Jenny. I want her to come home."

"I am going to go home and write her a letter. I am going to tell her that our husbands are idiots. But they are idiots who love us. And that you ARE NOT seeing Mac, and haven't been." Will was already beginning to dose off. "And you," Jenny told him shaking his shoulder, "are going to take this ship to Utopia Plenitia and drop Mac there and then, according to Admiral Brand, we are headed to Earth and you are going to go to Alaska and find her and you are not coming back till you have worked it out. That is my plan."

Will was now looking at her wide-eyed. "Shit!"

"What?"

"I didn't get that confirmation to Admiral Brand," Will told her trying to sit up, but Jenny pushed him back down.

"John already did. You asked him to. And besides you talking to an admiral in your current condition would not be a bright idea. That's where I heard we were going to Earth, by the way. Thanks for the heads up."

"Jen, I think there might be a hole or two in your plan."

Jenny sighed. "You'll make it work, Will. I believe in your abilities to persuade people."

"She didn't even talk to me," he muttered seemingly to himself.

Jenny stood up to leave. But Will grabbed hold of her wrist to hold her there.

"I didn't sleep with her Jenny. I swear I didn't. I blew it, but I didn't let it go that far," he said releasing her wrist.

Jenny patted him on the shoulder. "Good for you," she began. Then she thought about it a bit more and turned back to him. "Really?" she asked.

"Deanna doesn't believe me."

"I'm not sure I believe you."

"I didn't sleep with her."

Jenny stared at him lying on the bed. He was going to be so sick tomorrow. But he was too drunk to tell a coherent lie tonight. "Alright, you didn't sleep with her."

Will nodded as if that made him feel better. "I love her, Jen. I was so stupid."

Jenny walked back into the front room and over to the replicator where she ordered 10 ml's of B compound and a hypo spray and she returned to the bedroom where Will was almost asleep. "Hey," she shook his shoulder again. He opened his eyes and looked vaguely at her. "Take this when you wake up in the morning. It will help with the headache." She watched his eyes drift closed and she just shook her head and left him to sleep it off.

_14? yes? no? Want a break??_


	14. Chapter 14

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek TNG or any of its original characters. Thank you all for your help and encouraging words!

Will left the store with flowers in his hand and the necklace and card tucked inside the paper that the flowers were wrapped in. Deanna was not home when he arrived. He was grateful. He had wanted to cook her a nice dinner. He had left her alone so much lately.

He quickly took the card and box with the necklace in it and shoved it into a drawer, burying it in socks and put the flowers on the table for her and went about making her a dinner he knew she would like.

"What is this for?" Deanna asked when she arrived home and found the flowers and dinner waiting for her.

"It's just a Tuesday," he repeated from earlier in the day. Their dinner had been nice, and friendly, but when he lay next to her that night to sleep his guilt began to overtake him.

As soon as she was asleep in his arms, he slowly moved away from her and went out to the couch so his tossing and turning would not disturb her.

When Will finally got a chance to get up and out of the house before Deanna woke up a few days later, he grabbed the necklace out of the drawer and left the quarters quickly and headed down the corridors to Mac's quarters.

"Computer, locate Commander McKenna."

"Commander McKenna is in main engineering," the computer answered him.

"Computer, override security lock, Riker Delta E…."

"Security lock recognizes, Riker, Captain William T.," the computer informed him.

Will paused, standing outside her door with the necklace in his hand. She had programmed her door to recognize him and allow him entrance. Will's stomach began to churn and he began his lecture about how he made too much of everything.

He shook his mind free of his thoughts and stepped inside quickly, and placed the box and card on her table and then headed off quickly for the bridge.

Throughout the day as Will went about his activities, he wondered where Mac was, if she had come home yet and found the necklace. He wondered what her reaction would be. Would she accept his apology? He would have to wait and see.

As Will prepared to leave his ready room that evening she came to his door.

"Come in," he called.

Mac walked in casually. "Hi," she told him.

"So," Will began coming around the table and sitting on his couch, where she joined him. "Does that mean we're talking again?" he asked.

Mac reached up and lightly touched the necklace around her neck, tucked slightly under her uniform. "I never stopped talking, Will. You are the one who ran away and played chicken."

"For me, Mac, this is different. I have never felt like this…been like this…had a…"

"Relationship," Mac offered.

Will tensed up immediately, but Mac put her hand on his arm. "There are all sorts of relationships Will. I don't need to be more than I am. I want to hear you say that I am your friend."

Will smiled at her weakly and put his hand over hers on his arm. "You are my friend, and I am sorry that I treated you so poorly," he told her.

Mac smiled widely at him. "Good. You are my friend too." Mac patted his arm and stood up. "So does this mean that we are allowed to do things together again?"

"Sure," Will offered.

"Good, because you promised me a climb up Fawley's peak. I'm available day after tomorrow."

"Ah, Mac. I have got to finish this speech. Can it wait a week?"

The speech had gone off without a hitch. He hoped that he had sounded intelligent, and it seemed that the others at the conference thought it went well. While Deanna sat in the front row smiling quietly at him, Will found that he often found his eyes wandering to the back of the room where Mac stood beaming and giving him small thumbs up signs.

Will had tried to find a moment to talk alone with Mac at the reception after the conference, but hadn't found an opportunity. He was surrounded by dignitaries from throughout the sector and when he finally was allowed up for air he caught sight of the most frightening scene he had set eyes on in some time.

Across the room Deanna was standing close to Mac and they were looking, and seemed to be talking, about something. Deanna pointed and now Will could see that she was pointing to a necklace that Mac was wearing. Will felt as though the air was being sucked from his body. He took a few steps toward the two women and he could see the necklace now. It was the one Will had given her the week before. He froze in his place in the middle of the room. Deanna walked away. He tried to follow her through the crowd, but he was interrupted by a delegate from Attalia's second planet, and before he could do anything, Deanna was gone.

By the time Will got home, Deanna was curled up in bed. She looked to be sleeping, so Will slept on the couch. He waited to see if Deanna would say something about the necklace, but she never did. After a day or two, the lump in his throat began to dissipate.

A few days after the conference Mac and Will walked to the holodeck together casually laughing and talking as they went. When they began to climb, Mac pulled ahead. She could not get enough of the Alaskan views.

"It's so different from California!" Mac called as she glanced behind her out over the open valley. "I can see why you love it here!" The wind was blowing a gentle breeze around them and she could tell Will had set the holodeck for a spring climb, even though there was snow all around the base of the peaks.

Will pulled himself up next to her. "This is home to me. I love the freedom of space, don't get me wrong, but there is something about these mountains that just does something for me that no place else can do."

Mac pulled herself up on top of the peak and extended her hand to help Will up next to her. Both their legs dangled over the edge. "Thank you for bringing me here." Mac spoke softly to him. "I have never seen anything like it."

"Hey, a promise is a promise. You showed me Yosemite, I show you Fawley's Peak. It's only fair." Will tried to wipe the hair off his forehead that was slightly damp with sweat but only succeeded in wiping mud across his face, and Mac laughed lightly at him.

"Here," she reached out and wiped at the mud with her fingers. The moment her skin touched his, the tension that had been between them since the night on the space dock was back. Her touch was gentle and yet firm against his skin and no matter how much he tried to picture other things, the image of kissing her was the only one in his mind.

When the mud was gone from his face, Mac reached down and began to wipe off the front of his shirt near his shoulder. Whether the mud was real or imagined was only for Will to guess, as he couldn't pull his eyes away from her to look for himself.

Between the cool breeze on his face and her warm touch Will felt as though he were soaring far from his real life. His mind was wondering. He was so tired of fighting with himself over this. He wished, just once, that the piece of his head that continued to scream at him would just shut up for a bit.

Will loved Deanna, of course he did, but she never cared how he felt anymore. He had tried to be so strong for her for so long. He didn't feel like being the strong one any more, he didn't feel like worrying about how someone else felt all the time and shoving his feelings aside for another day. He didn't feel like worrying at all anymore and here on top of a snowy peak with Mac, he didn't feel like he had to worry. For the first time in a long time, he felt peaceful.

Mac's hands began to lightly caress down his arms and slowly Will raised his hand to take hers in his own. She thought he would stop her or pull away, but he did nothing of the kind. In stead he scooted towards her and put his arm around her, his fingers intertwined with hers and she relaxed into his body.

"Juno is right over that ridge there," Will pointed with his free hand.

"Is that where you grew up?" Mac asked taking advantage of his comfortable demeanor to snuggle further against his chest.

"No, I grew up about two hours from here across the bay from Valdez."

"On the water? Why doesn't that surprise me?" Mac asked smiling widely at him and she was even more pleased when he returned her grin. "So how old were you when you first took command of a ship?"

"I think ship might be stretching it. It was more of a boat. It was my dad's and he hated when I would go out on it, probably because I typically didn't ask permission."

"You were the rebel weren't you?" Mac asked again, enjoying his closeness.

"I tried. I was probably just an idiot."

"I bet you were a jock."

Will raised his eyebrows in question.

"A sports guy, always gets the girl."

"What makes you say that?" he asked her laughing, but Mac only smiled. She leaned back into his chest and rested her head against his shoulder as the two of them looked out over the Alaskan mountainside.

Will wrapped his arms tight around her. "Are you cold?" he asked her. It had been fine when they were climbing, but now that they were just sitting, it was considerably cooler.

But Mac ran her hand up Will's chest and rested it by his neck, running her fingernail along his collar. "I'm perfect," she whispered into his neck.

Will's whole body tensed against her touch, but he did not pull away. His internal argument seemed to have ceased, at least for this one moment. His breaths were deep and even, but as Mac moved so her lips brushed against the skin that her fingertips had been playing against, his breathing paused and then became ragged and uneven as she did it again. She thought she almost heard him let out a small moan, but instead he cleared his throat and released his hold on her. Mac felt her own disappointment overwhelm her as the cold air rushed between them.

"Mac," he began. His voice was hoarse.

She looked up at him and tried her best to look innocent. She had pushed so hard before that she had driven him away. She needed to move at his pace this time, so she waited for him to say his piece.

"This isn't a good idea," he told her.

She fought the urge to ask why it felt so good then, but instead she took his hand. "Then don't do it," she told him simply.

"Deanna…"

"Isn't here." Mac finished for him.

The two sat with their eyes locked and their fingers lightly touching. Will thought about what he should do now, on top of a mountain, throwing caution to the wind. But before he could make a decision either way the chirp of a comm. badge interrupted them.

"Bridge to Captain Riker," came the voice of John Knox.

Will sighed and reached in his pocket for his communicator and tapped it to open a channel. "Yes, John?"

"Captain, we are nearing the Cardassian boarder. We are reading five Cardassian cruisers just on the other side of the neutral zone."

Will nodded. "I'm on my way," he told him and tapped his badge again before slipping it back into his pocket. He looked back into the subdued eyes of Linsy McKenna. "I have got to get back to the bridge," he called, standing up on the mountain peak and offering his hand to Mac as he pulled her to her feet.

"Computer, end program." With a twinkle, the mountain peek disappeared and the two of them stood in the middle of a black room with a yellow grid. The ropes and harnesses were gone, but Mac's hand still rested comfortably in Wills.

Unwilling to completely let go of the moment, they walked hand in hand towards the exit and out into the corridor. When the turbo lift doors opened and three crewmembers stepped out, Will pulled his hand away quickly and took a step away from Mac awkwardly. It was not in time, however, and Will knew it. He saw the looks that the three gave each other and Will shook his head at himself. This was reckless. It was crazy and no longer on a far away mountain with a wild breeze blowing around them, it suddenly seemed like it.

"I'll be on the bridge," Will spoke to Mac as he stepped into the turbo lift. "Make sure the engines are ready if we need them."

"Yes Sir," she told him as the doors closed and he left her in the corridor.

Will sat at his desk, rubbing his shoulder. He must have pulled something on the climb earlier. He stared at the status reports in front of him, but he didn't see anything in his mind, but Mac on top of the world with him. He was in trouble. People had seen them. What had he been thinking? Maybe he could go to Deanna right now and explain. _Explain what?_ he asked himself. _Explain why I am acting like a hormonal teenager?_ And in the back of his mind, he knew that if he told Deanna it would have to stop and he was not sure he really wanted it to. He hadn't really done anything wrong. He wasn't sleeping with her. They were just friends. None of the rest of it really counted. He hadn't kissed her on the space dock, hadn't started it at least, and she was sleeping. And he hadn't really done anything in the holodeck. In fact he had stopped it. He had the situation under control. But even as he thought it, he was hoping and wondering when he would see Mac again.

As if in answer to his unspoken question a chime came to the door and he found himself holding his breath.

"Come," Will called, and when the doors opened Mac stood tentatively in the doorway.

"What can I do for you, Commander?" Will offered.

Mac entered casually and stood leaned against one of the chairs on the far side of the desk. "I came to make sure I didn't cause irreparable harm."

Will's mind flashed with images of Deanna, and then of the two of them on a snowy mountain peak. "Harm?" he asked cautiously.

"Yeah, to your shoulder," Mac said with a smile. "I hear you have been rubbing it all afternoon. You didn't pull something did you?" she asked approaching him as he unconsciously began rubbing his shoulder again. "Maybe you should have Dr. Knox take a look at it."

"No!" Will almost panicked. "No," he repeated, this time with more of a calm to his voice. "That's not necessary," he told her. And he hoped he was right. Having Mac take him into sickbay was the worst possible scenario. Then he would have to tell Jenny that he had not only NOT told Deanna where he was going, but he most certainly DID NOT tell her who he was going with.

"Well, let's see," Mac stepped up to him in his chair and began maneuvering his shoulder side to side. "Does that hurt?" she asked.

"Did I miss that you had a medical degree?" Will asked smiling at her.

"No," Mac responded casually slipping behind him. She began to rub his shoulders with both her hands. "I'm just playing doctor."

He was amazingly aware of every part of him that she touched, how her fingers teased at the top of his collar. He could tell that he was starting to feel that dizzy headed stupid feeling again and that he should do something about it, right now before it was too late.

"You are so tense!" Mac told him rubbing into his shoulder muscles. "It's no wonder you pulled something. You have _got_ to relax."

Will sighed with a smile. "Got any ideas?"

"Like?" Mac tossed it back to Will.

"Well, rock climbing might be out for a bit."

Mac traced her hand across the back of his shoulders and came to sit on the edge of his desk, just to his right, so close that her legs were pressed against his. Her one hand still lingered between his shoulder and neck. "There is more than one way to relax, Captain." Her voice was barely a whisper.

There was something about her. She was different and exciting and she didn't ask anything from him. He shoved the screaming part of his brain away and reached out to encircle her hips with his hands as he pulled her slightly closer to him. He could see her smile widen as she leaned into him. All he knew was that he wanted to be closer to her. "I guess I know some other ways," Will told her, his voice almost as quiet as her own.

Her legs moved to straddle his own as he continued to sit in his chair and again he pulled on her hips to move her closer to him. "Me too," Mac told him and leaned in until her lips were just centimeters from his.

With one last tug on her body, Will closed the distance between them, pulling her until his lips met hers. Her lips were soft against his as he slowly began to move his hand up her back. The kiss was still almost feather light, as if he had not committed fully to the idea of kissing her quite yet, but she let him fight his own battle, knowing that she had already won.

The chime of the door broke the spell of the room and within a second, Will jumped from his chair and was moving away from Mac towards the replicator, trying to calm his breathing, before he spoke. "Come in," Will tried to sound casual.

The doors to the ready room opened for Will's first officer and he took in the room. Will stood by his replicator ordering a glass of water. He would have almost looked casual, except he was breathing too hard and he did not quite meet John's eye. Mac on the other hand, sat on the inside edge of the captain's desk, her back to him and her head down.

When she finally turned to face him, she was practically glaring with frustration. The room stayed silent for a moment longer.

The truth was, John had no reason to speak to the captain, other than he couldn't stand that Mac was in his ready room alone with him and by the look of the situation, John thought his timing might have been just a hair late.

"What can I do for you John?" Will finally asked still avoiding meeting his eyes. That screaming part of his brain was back and almost defining. He set down his water and picked up something else from the alcove by his window and began to fiddle with the edge of whatever it was, without even looking down to see what he was holding.

"I'm heading off for the night, Sir. Unless there is something else you need, or _wanted to talk to me about._" Will's heart sank. That was Will's opening and he recognized it for exactly what it was. John knew. He knew and he was throwing his friend a lifeline. The two men stood looking at one another, trying to read the other's expression. But before Will could make himself choose, he heard the turbo lift doors open on the bridge behind John and Jenny's voice ring through the air.

The only voice that would have been worse was Deanna's herself. His guilt hit him in great waves as he sat helplessly and watched.

"Hey stranger," Jenny spoke to her husband's back as she came up next to him to join him in the doorway of the ready room. "Captain, a little birdie told me that you have been pulling at your shoulder all day. What did you do now?" As Jenny finished speaking she suddenly became aware of the rigid, almost frozen posture of the three people already standing there. The difference was stark against the activity of the bridge just behind them. "Did I interrupt something?" Jenny asked cautiously. She looked into her husbands face for some sort of a clue.

"Mac was just telling us," John began, though his voice was far too forced to sound natural, "That the new converters aren't putting out the energy output that she had predicted. We might have to make some adjustments."

"Oh," Jenny looked around at the other two for some sign of agreement but didn't really get it. "Well, that happens." There was only silence from the rest of them. "It was worth a shot Mac, and if the Verlians needed the medical supplies, then they needed them, so what's the harm?"

"She's right," Will finally chimed in. "There's no harm. We do the best we can and we move on," he said looking at his first officer. "My shoulder's fine Jen, really. Thanks for checking on me though,"

"Well if you change your mind," Jenny offered. She turned to speak to her husband. "I'm going to go pick up Sam. You'll be home in time for dinner?"

"Yeah, I just need to speak to the captain about something," John answered.

Jenny nodded and walked off to the turbo lift she had just stepped out of, leaving the three officers again staring at each other.

It was clear to Mac that John was not going to leave. "I guess I had better get back to engineering," Mac offered looking at Will for some sign that she should stay, but he was still staring at his first officer. "Excuse me,"

"I'll join you, Commander." John told her as she slipped past him and began to walk toward the turbo lift.

John glanced back at Will, before turning to leave.

"Thank you John," Will told him.

John only glared back at him, his eyes cold with anger, and he spoke quietly. "I just lied to my wife, Captain. Don't thank me." John shook his head a bit in disgust and stepped away from the door that closed behind him and followed Mac to the turbo lift.

Once the ready room doors closed and Will was alone in his ready room, he looked down at his own hands as they fidgeted, to see what he was holding. It was a picture of Deanna, taken on Batezed when Will had asked her to marry him. She looked happy in that picture. They had been so happy. "What am I doing?" Will asked the empty room as he put the picture back in its place.

"I know what you're thinking," Mac started as John paced the turbo lift as if he were an animal in a cage.

"Really!" he almost yelled back at her. "Because I was just thinking that I am going to kick my best friend's ass." John continued to pace, shaking his head and pounding his fist into his other palm as if it were someone's face. "As for you, I don't even know what I am going to do about that."

"Nothing," Mac told him perfectly calmly. "You have no right to do anything."

"You know what you are doing. This is a game to you."

"I like Will, I do. And our relationship is none of your business."

"No, Lieutenant," John told her menacingly. "You don't have a relationship. You don't have a friendship. You don't have anything. Is that clear? Game over. Or you will very quickly find yourself serving someplace else."

"You won't do that. Will won't approve of my transfer. He knows I am good at my job. Besides if you tried, I would cry foul so fast, you would find yourself sitting gamma shift at ops, _Commander_."

John was speechless as the two of them glared at one another as the turbo lift slid silently down the length of the ship.

"He loves his wife, Mac," he finally told her.

"That's not really my problem," Mac responded as the turbo lift doors opened into engineering and Mac stepped out, leaving John stunned in the turbo lift alone.

It had been three days. Will had gone out of his way to avoid spending time with his wife. He didn't even know where to start. In the back of his mind, he hoped that if he just got some distance from Linsy McKenna, he could keep from having to tell her what had happened and how he had acted. In three days he had not seen or spoken to Mac, except for momentarily at the staff meeting that morning. She barely acknowledged him in return. John was barely speaking to him, and judging by the looks he was getting from his chief medical officer, John's fib on the bridge the other day had not stood up to closer scrutiny when he got home. Jenny and John were in a huff. He and John were in a huff. Mac was ignoring him. Deanna was either angry with him, or too absorbed in her own sadness to notice he existed, and to be honest he wasn't sure which one he preferred.

Will sighed. This was a mess, he thought as he sat in his officer's lounge alone. If Jenny knew or even suspected, did Deanna know? Did she even care? How much slack would Jenny give him before she called him on it? "Just enough rope to hang myself," he spoke to no one in particular. He was confused and alone. He couldn't talk to his friends or his wife. _Let's not kid yourself here. Think of one person who would side with you and not Deanna. Who are you going to talk to? _He asked himself._ John and Jenny are out. Jean Luc… Worf… anyone from the Enterprise would kill me. _

He needed to talk to someone or he felt like he would explode. Only one name came to mind and he knew it was a bad idea before he left the room, and yet he walked out anyway and headed to engineering.

When he stepped off the turbo lift, he looked around but she was nowhere to be seen.

"Ensign," he called to the nearest officer, "Where is Commander McKenna?"

"She isn't here, Sir. She said she wasn't feeling well and I think she went back to her quarters. Is there something I can help you with Captain?"

Will shook his head, "No, thank you." Will walked off with the volume on that damned screaming part of his head getting louder by the second. He had been given a reprieve. _Go somewhere else! Anywhere else!_ He screamed at himself. But his feet continued on a steady course towards Mac's quarters.

When she called for him to enter, she was sitting on her couch, wearing a scooped neck tee shirt and a pair of exercise pants. Her hair was loose around her face, and she smiled slightly when she greeted him. "I was feeling a little… well exhausted after the staff meeting this morning, so I took the rest of the day off," she explained.

"I'm sorry you aren't feeling well. I don't want to bother you." Now that he was here, he was slightly hesitant.

"I'm feeling fine. Come in. What can I do for you, Sir?"

Will stepped inside and came to sit next to her on the couch, not too close, he noted to himself. "I guess I need someone to talk to," Will admitted.

"Well, I have the ears for it," Mac teased slightly.

Will sighed heavily. "Mac, we need to stop this," he told her.

"I know. Commander Knox already reamed me," she said looking down at the floor.

Will was surprised. "What did he do?" he asked almost protectively.

"He told me to stay away from you. And I have been. But I guess I miss you. You make me laugh and you listen to me. The other senior staff and I aren't exactly best buddies. I guess I have gotten used to talking to you."

Will sighed again. "Me too."

"I'm sorry, Will. I am. I don't mean to complicate your life. And when John was yelling at me, I kind of freaked out and said some really horrible things to him. I didn't really mean them. I just wasn't prepared for him to react that way."

"I'm sorry, Linsy. He shouldn't have said anything to you. This isn't his business."

"That's what I said," Linsy told him shrugging her shoulders.

"But he is right. Linsy…"

"You're married. I know. You keep telling me that."

"Maybe I need to remind myself," Will remarked scooting a bit away from her on the couch.

"Maybe. But my answer hasn't changed, Will." She reached out and put her hand on his knee. "I know who and what you are. I didn't ask you to change any of it."

"But I am. Mac, Deanna and I, we…I… She needs me right now. She is going through a lot."

There were tears in Mac's eyes. "So am I," she told him, her voice still and quiet. "You should go," she told him, standing up and walking towards the door.

"Mac, I don't want to just ignore you. Isn't there someplace in the middle?" Will called following her off the couch.

Mac tried to smile at him. "Sure, whatever you want. We can have lunch or something in the forward lounge…" Mac started to ramble as Will approached her. She wasn't really paying any attention to what she was saying as he stepped closer and closer to her.

Will raised his hand and rested it on her shoulder and then tucked some of her golden hair behind her ear. Tears were just beginning to drip out of the corner of her eyes and he took his finger and wiped them away. "I am really sorry."

"It's okay. I'm okay. I am sorry. I guess I kept telling myself that whatever else you were didn't matter. It doesn't matter to me." Mac leaned up and kissed him lightly on the cheek. "Go," she said, her lips just millimeters from his chin.

Will's head was screaming for him to take the steps to leave. This was it. It was over, whatever it was. But his feet didn't move. Instead his hand slipped from her shoulder into her hair and started to caress the back of her neck as he looked into her eyes.

"I take it back," she said rising up on her tiptoes. "Stay." Her lips were soft and warm as she pressed them into his, lightly at first and then more firmly.

Will's breath caught in his throat and he felt his lips part as their tongues collided with one another's. It was like an explosion went off in the room. In that one moment, every bit of sanity and will power that Will Riker ever had vanished, and time seemed to both accelerate and stand still. Will's hands slid to Mac's waist and he backed up until she was pinned up against the wall near the door.

They were kissing each other feverishly and passionately, as her body pushed off the wall into his and her hands ran up his back. Then her hands were in his hair and playing at the base of his neck. He trailed kisses along her cheek and then down her neck, pulling her hair and head back to give him the access to that soft skin that he so desperately wanted. His hand left her waist and ran up the side of her body, along the side of her breast and up to her shoulder, then just as quickly their lips and tongues collided again and his hand ran back along the side of her breast, down to her waist, slipping under her thin tee shirt to rest on the bare skin of her hip. He felt her moan against his mouth and without what seemed like any effort on either of their parts her legs were wrapped around his waist and she was in his arms.

"Oh my god Will," she moaned as her head fell back and his lips trailed along her collarbone. Slowly one of her hands reached down and started to remove his uniform tunic.

With one thought, he realized that line; the line between Captain and officer, between married man and attractive single female friend that he had been dancing around for a month was gone. He wasn't one toe over the line. The line was so far behind him it was a blur in the distant past. What frightened him more was that for the first time, he didn't care.

He carried her in his arms over to her couch and laid her back on the couch and he was on top of her, his shirt was off and she was kissing his chest and running her tongue around his nipples. His hands were on the skin of her stomach, pushing her shirt up inch by inch until his hands rested just below her breasts. He hesitated and Mac sat up and kissed him passionately biting slightly at his lower lip as she lifted her own shirt over her head. Their hands were everywhere all at once, as more clothes rustled to the floor.

Will pulled away from her, only for a moment to look at her as she lay below him, with nothing separating the skin of his roaming hands from her skin but her silky bra and panties. His hands roamed freely over her entire body leaving no part of her unexplored. She gasped at his touch while she kissed his skin, running her tongue and teeth along until he moaned and gasped with her.

She pulled away from him enough to let them both stand up. She began to lead him towards her bedroom and Will followed blindly caressing her skin as they went. She was pulling at his pants and now his mind was totally empty of anything. There was no more screaming. There was nothing. There was nothing. Nothing. Will tried to sort out what he was suddenly feeling as Mac continued to remove his clothes and kiss his skin. The room was deadly quiet. There was just emptiness. He couldn't hear her thoughts, or feel her emotions. There was no link between them. This was it. And when Deanna found out, this was all he would have left.

"Mac, wait. Stop." Will pulled himself away from her. Mac sat down on the edge of her bed. Will watched her for a moment, testing his resolve. She looked amazing in her bra and panties. But nothing about this felt amazing. It felt empty. Will wasn't 25 anymore. He knew the difference between love and sex, and this was the later. What was he giving up for this, because if he crossed that line, his marriage was over. Deanna wouldn't forgive him; they would not be working on fixing anything. For the first time in months, he saw the situation with immense clarity and the whole thing was ridiculous. Who did he think he was? This wasn't complicated. It was stupidity and hormones run amuck. He had to get out of that room. "I have to go," he told her. Will reached the couch, found his shirt and put it back on.

"You don't have to do anything. Stay."

"No, Mac. You don't get it. I am who and what I am, and I don't want that to change. You do. I'm sorry. I know, this is my fault. But right now I need to go. I need to fix this. I can't do this Mac."

"Because you love your wife?" Mac asked now standing in her door casually and with an incredibly sexy confidence, but puzzled by his reaction.

He looked at her and around the room. "Yes," he answered simply. "I do." Will stepped towards the door and ran his fingers through his hair. "I am sorry. This should have never happened."

"But it did," she told him simply. "You can't change what has already happened."

"No, but I can change what happens next." Will told her. This really was it. No more intriguing games. All he wanted was Deanna. "Good bye Linsy."

Without a look back he was out the door and heading for the turbo lift. He would have to tell Deanna tonight, but it would be better if he had a plan about what he was going to say. So he would head to the forward lounge, think. If it were too loud there, he would head to his ready room.

The turbo lift doors opened and the voices spilled into the corridor, before anyone was visible.

"That's horrible,"

"I know! And I guess she's on some sort of medical leave,"

Will saw two crewmen, both women, one facing him, and the one speaking with her back to the door. "Nice guy, huh."

The first woman saw Will immediately and her face froze. If there was a question of who they were talking about before, the sheer terror on her face, wiped any doubt from his mind.

"Captain!" She spoke loudly and purposefully for her friends benefit.

The other woman spun around and her face mirrored that of the firsts. "Captain," she repeated with a silent pleading sigh. The two women stepped back and let their captain step into the lift.

"Deck 8," Will called out and the lift resumed in painful, awful silence. But Will wasn't aware of it. His mind was swimming. These women knew, and were gossiping about it in the turbo lift. How many people were gossiping about him on his ship? How many people saw that he was an idiot before he did? The gossip on a star ship was the only thing faster than it's engines. Will hung his head. What if it had been Deanna waiting for the lift instead of him? What if Jenny told her? It was bad enough that she had to hear it, but he owed her the respect of hearing it from him.

The lift arrived at deck 8 and the two women stepped out past him, but Will remained inside. He was out of time. He might be too late already. He had to find Deanna. "Deck 6," he called out and the turbo lift carried him closer to home.

……

Will awoke with a start, unaware of what had woken him. Then he heard the chime of the communications system again. He sat up, but as he moved his head exploded with pain. He was dizzy and for a moment he was sure he was going to be sick. The communication system chimed again and Will tried to get out of bed to activate it. He was still dressed in his uniform, but every movement of his head brought excruciating pain. He reached out with one hand and activated the view screen, just as his foot tangled in the blanket reached the floor and he tripped and fell, face first, onto the ground. As he lay there with his face in the carpet, his night of binge drinking came back to him with a roar. Unfortunately it also caused his stomach to give another small heave. He took a deep breath to get a grip on himself, but it was short lived. If ever he would be sick, it was when he heard the voice speak from the monitor now over his head.

"Hello? William? Please do not tell me you think you can hide from me. What are you doing?"

Will gasped for air, frozen on the ground.

"William!"

Slowly Will sat up, trying to keep his head as still as possible, and faced the woman on the comm. link. "Luaxana," he began.

"William," Luaxana Troi said staring him down. "Where is my daughter?"

_Okay, that is as much as I have done. Give me a week or so for the next chapter. :)_


	15. Chapter 15

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek TNG or any of its original characters. Thank you to everyone who has helped and reviewed and you have all been so patient as I have dragged you back and forth from present to past, from timeline to timeline. Just this one more chapter... and by the time the next chapter starts we will be done jumping around. On the other hand, it is a Star Trek story, so a little shifting in timelines should not be completely out of the realm of possibility.

"Ahh," Will tried to glance at the chronometer without moving in any way that made it feel like his brain was sloshing around inside his skull. Sloshing in whiskey no doubt.

"Luaxana," he tried to answer her. "It's still pretty early…"

"Yes, William. Thank you. I am perfectly capable of calculating the time difference. But I have been trying to reach my daughter now for over three weeks and I have attempted to contact her at various times of day and still I have had less than favorable results. So, where is my daughter?"

Will hung his head. He knew she had been trying to reach Deanna at various times of day. Until now he had been successfully avoiding those communications. Will tried to shield his mind from his mother in law the best way he knew how and still he feared it was hopeless. It probably would have been hopeless under the best of circumstances, but hung over, he didn't think he stood a chance.

"Deanna isn't on board. I'm sorry I didn't tell you earlier."

"Where is she?" Luaxana cried in her overdone manner, looking purely panic stricken. "Has something happened to her? I should have known. I could feel her distress from here."

"She's fine, Luaxana. She's fine. She went to Earth. She wanted to spend some time away from the ship." He listened to his own words and realized it didn't take a telepath to see through them.

"My daughter," Luaxana raised her voice, "is not fine!" Luaxana Troi was intimidating from light years away, and her son in law tried not to let it show. "She is hurt and upset. I know! She is my child! Now," she said in a slightly calmer manner, "she went to earth?"

"Yes," Will nodded, untangling his foot from his blanket and sitting back down, dreading the conversation that he was going to be forced to have.

"She didn't tell me. She always notifies me before she travels. Always. She always has."

"Well, it was pretty last minute," Will tried to calm her.

"When did she leave?" Luaxana demanded.

Will sighed and braced himself. "About three weeks ago," Will admitted.

Luaxana gasped and gawked at him.

"She's fine," he tried to reassure her.

"When did you last speak to her?" Luaxana asked accusingly.

Will looked around trying to avoid her gaze. He considered lying to her, but didn't see what real purpose it would serve. "I haven't actually spoken to her since she left, but I got a letter a couple of weeks ago. She said she was there safe and doing well."

"Two weeks? You have not heard from your wife in two weeks?" It was clear that she was not asking for confirmation as much as she wanted an explanation.

"She is staying in my home in Alaska, and the communications system is limited. She couldn't send a live transmission on it, only text."

"And you have the sheer nerve to look me in the eye and tell me that she is fine! Fine! How would you begin to know if she were not fine?" Luaxana was waiving her arms wildly as she spoke. "And you do what? Sit behind your desk collecting information on astronomical phenomenon!"

"She went to Earth on the Enterprise, which is still in orbit. If there was a problem, Captain Picard would notify me immediately," Will spoke quickly to get the information out before his mother in law launched into her next tirade.

Luaxana paused. "Jean Luc is with her then?" she asked Will.

"He is in orbit and she is on the planet, yes." Will could almost hear Jean Luc Picard groan in his mind. Poor man. Will had just hung him out to dry.

Will paused when he saw Luaxana crack a smile. She had heard his thoughts. _Damn it._

Luaxana looked back at Will intently. She was no longer raving. She was studying him. Will concentrated as hard as he could. He could not panic, could not let his anger or guilt or any other emotion distract him. Still she studied him.

"This is about those damned hormones she has been taking. It's about the fertility treatments. She is not fine. I do not approve of those treatments, William. I do not like what they are doing to her. I want them to stop."

"Then, for once, Luaxana, we agree on something." Will sat with his chin in his hands, trying to keep all the information from her that he could.

"There is more than one way to have a child, William. I know that Deanna wants to be pregnant. Reason with her. Make her see. You could adopt a child," she offered.

Will only nodded. There was nothing he could say more than that. He had to keep his focus.

Luaxana only studied him more, her eyes intent and focused. It was like a war they were having, a silent war, and he could feel he was loosing. Will breathed deeply and prepared for the attack that was about to come. She would yell and scream. He would have to take it. All he wanted was for her to stay out of it enough for Deanna to be able to make her own decisions.

"Fine." Luaxana abruptly broke the silence. "Fine." She was still staring at him. She was angry, he could see that. "Will you send me the contact information? I would like to write to my daughter."

Will sat, stunned. He nodded slightly. "Of course."

Again Luaxana only stared at him. She was almost calm. It was bizarre to Will to see her like that. Then with a sigh she added, "Take something for that headache. Civilized men do not binge on large amounts of alcohol."

Will hung his head. She knew. She knew everything. "Luaxana," he began somewhat desperately, but she waved her hand and interrupted him.

"You are on your way to Earth, I take it?" she asked.

She wasn't screaming at him. Why wasn't she screaming at him? He almost would have preferred it that way, to just get it over with. Instead he muttered a response. "Yes," he said ashamed.

"Good," she said in a decisive voice. "Then I assume this will all be taken care of shortly."

"This?" Will asked confused.

"Yes. It seems you know what you need to do."

"I do?" he asked again.

"William, if my daughter needs me, she knows where to find me." Luaxana paused and with her most menacing expression she added. "Don't make me come to you!" With that she ended the transmission and left Will sitting on the edge of his bed wondering if that conversation was really as bizarre as it seemed or if he were still feeling the effects of the alcohol.

Deanna's mother knew. That much he knew for sure. The thought of it made his stomach lurch again. And yet she had not asked for an explanation. She had not screamed at him. She had done nothing of the sort. Nothing like the reaction Will had pictured in his mind over the past few weeks as he carefully avoided her calls. He couldn't quite wrap his head around it.

His head. Oh, it throbbed with the sheer effort of thinking. Slowly he lay back down and spotted the hypo spray on his nightstand. A vague memory of Jenny leaving it for him came to his mind. Will reached out and pressed the hypo to his neck. The relief was almost immediate. The throbbing in his head began to fade and he closed his eyes again and drifted back off to sleep.

When he woke up again his head throbbed less than before and he was fairly certain he would not vomit, but he still felt as though something large and heavy had been dropped on him repeatedly. _Civilized men do not binge on large amounts of alcohol,_ the words repeated in his mind. He didn't understand. If Luaxana read his mind enough to know that he had a headache from binge drinking, she had to also know what Will had done, why Deanna really left. She must have known that Deanna had filed for divorce. But all she had said was to fix it? What did she mean it would be taken care of? And that he knew what to do? He didn't have the slightest clue what to do, or even where to begin. Maybe she was saving her rant for later… Maybe she really did know how to get Deanna back and for some unexplainable kindness of the universe she was not terminally upset with him for what he had done. _That makes no sense!_ His brain screamed at him. _Maybe she thinks I have punished myself enough. No, unlikely. _She had said he knew what to do. Did he? Will sat for a long moment and thought. The Titan would be to Earth in four more days. He needed a plan. What was he willing to give up to get her back? _Anything,_ he realized as he sat there. If she wanted him to resign, he would. If she wanted to live on Betezed in the same house as her mother, he would do that too. Whatever she asked for, he would give her. No exceptions. But somewhere in his mind he recognized that would also mean that if she asked for a divorce, if it were truly what she wanted, that he would give her that too.

Will dragged himself to get ready and out the door. As he stepped into the turbo lift headed to the bridge he saw that there were already two people in it. One, an ensign from engineering and the other his chief medical officer.

Jenny raised an eyebrow when she saw him. He gave her a little nod. "Ensign, Doctor," he acknowledged each of them.

They replied back in unison. "Captain."

The three stood there in silence until the lift stopped on deck 4 and the ensign stepped out, leaving Will and Jenny alone.

"Thank you for whatever that was that you left in that hypo. It really helped with the headache," Will spoke though he continued looking straight ahead, as did his companion.

Jenny gave a little nod. "And how are you feeling?" She asked him.

"I've been better."

"I bet you have," Jenny agreed. "So how much of last night do you remember?"

Will shrugged. "You yelling and talking really fast."

Jenny sighed. "I wrote her a letter."

Will nodded. That did sound familiar. It was part of Jenny's plan. It was coming back to him now. "Did I mention that there may be a hole or two in your plan?" He asked.

"Yeah, you did," Jenny told him and she finally turned to look at him. "I can't fix all your problems Will. Beg. Plead. Make a vow to never speak to a member of the opposite sex…I don't know. Just do it," she told him exasperatedly.

Will started to chuckle under his breath. It was almost entertaining to watch her get all worked up and huffy with him.

"What?" Jenny asked with frustration in her voice. "You think this is funny?"

"No," Will tried to look appropriately sullen. "No. This is not funny. But you can be a little funny." Jenny rolled her eyes and looked annoyed. "You really can't stand me can you?" he asked her.

"Oh, Will. Don't be an idiot. Nobody on board can make me as angry as you can. It's like you have special ways to push my buttons. And it's just because I care too much about you."

"You know Jen. You are just like the annoying baby sister I never had."

"And you are the pesky older brother that I never wanted," Jenny answered him with a sarcastic smile. Then Jenny turned more serious. "We're going to get her back, right?"

Will only sighed.

"You just can't get a divorce, Will. I can't live with myself. It's partly my fault," Jenny told him as the turbo lift slowed near the bridge. "Not ALL my fault. I don't take responsibility for your raving idiocy. But the other stuff, that was my fault."

Will looked back at her, shocked. He realized that they were about to loose their brief moment of privacy and he didn't want to leave things with Jenny there. "Computer, halt." The turbo lift came to a stop and Will stepped forward to make Jenny look at him. "Jen, what are you talking about? How is any of this your fault?"

Jenny's eyes were on the floor. She shrugged slightly. "I should have made her stop the treatments. I saw what they were doing to her." Will began to shake his head, but Jenny persisted. "If it were anyone else, I would have tired to make them stop. But with Deanna I never did. I guess I wanted it for her so badly, and I wanted Sam to have a playmate. I was a horrible doctor, Will. I took an oath to first do no harm. This sure looks like harm to me." Jenny looked back down at the floor as Will continued to stare at her puzzled.

"Are you kidding me? You want part of the blame? Well get in line, sweetheart. There is plenty to go around."

Jenny sighed and tried to look up at him again. "I should have…"

"Jenny! This is NOT your fault. This is our fault. My fault mostly. We can stand here all day and dole out appropriate amounts of blame to all parties, but it won't get her back." Will took her by the shoulders. "Look at me. You are a good doctor who was trying to treat your best friend. It is the toughest part of your job. But you were doing what we asked you to do. It was our choice to continue with the fertility treatments, not yours. If there is a line of people to blame, you are way back at the end. Okay?"

Jenny smiled weakly at him. "Okay," she mumbled and the two shared a quick hug.

"Come on," Will told her looking at her still upset looking face. "Let's get it together and get onto the bridge. If we stay in here any longer, the next rumor is going to be that I'm having an affair with _my CMO._"

Jenny's jaw dropped.

"What?" Will asked. "I'm not the most trustworthy guy on the ship at the moment. I don't need to add fuel to the fires."

Jenny just shook her head and rolled her eyes. "Yeah, that's never gonna happen. Sorry."

"Fine by me," Will told her. "Computer, resume." Within seconds the doors opened and the two stepped out onto the bridge. When some of the bridge officers turned to them with puzzled expressions, Will leaned in to Jenny and whispered, "Told you."

But the ships first officer completely ignored the looks. "Captain," John stood as he spoke to Will. "We will be at Utopia Plenitia in 12 hours. They are expecting Commander McKenna to report first thing tomorrow morning."

Will nodded and took his seat.

Jenny came up next to John as he stepped away from the captain. He leaned over and whispered to her. "Is he okay?"

Jenny nodded. "A little humbled."

"I think his mother in law caught him this morning."

Jenny just raised her eyebrows and shrugged. "Apparently, he lived."

Will tried to think of other things throughout the day, but he couldn't shake the conversation with Deanna's mother that morning. He sat at his desk, drumming his fingers, trying to come up with a plausible explanation for her reaction, or lack thereof.

He had finished his work. He should just go home. But when he thought about his quarters, all he could think of was that Deanna was not there and wasn't planning on coming back.

He wondered if Luaxana had already contacted her, what that confrontation would be like. He felt awful that he had put Deanna in that position. She had not wanted to have to deal with her mother. That's why she had not wanted to go to Betazed. _Please just let us work this out on our own,_ he begged, knowing that she would never hear it.

John Knox buzzed the captain's ready room door, and Will called for him to enter. "Captain," John said as he entered. "Is there anything you need?"

Will shook his head. "You're heading home?" he asked.

"Are you?"

Will only continued to drum his fingers on his desk. "Can I ask you something?" he asked.

John took a seat and nodded.

"If your mother in law found out that you had… that you…"

"Hurt her daughter?" John offered as Will continued to stumble over his words.

"Sure. And if Jenny filed for divorce…what would she do?"

"My mother in law would probably not speak to me. But this isn't really about _my_ mother in law, is it?"

"Well, lets say she did talk to you. Let's say you had to tell her all of that…"

"You told your mother in law?" John asked shocked.

"No! You don't have to tell Luaxana Troi anything. She finds out in her own ways."

"Did she just rip you apart?"

"NO!" Will cried out in frustration. "She didn't do anything, say anything."

"My mother in law would tell me to stay away from Jen, that I had done enough damage," John finally told him.

"That sounds like a mother in law!" Will responded. "I expected that. I was ready for that."

"Well, what did she say?"

"She asked if I was going to Earth. And when I said that we were, she said that she expected it taken care of."

"What taken care of? A divorce?" John asked. Will shrugged with his eyes wide with frustration. "Maybe she wants you to make it up to Deanna."

"Then she told me that I knew what I had to do to fix it."

"Do you?" John asked skeptically.

"No! If I knew what to do, wouldn't I have already done it?" Will leaned back in his chair. "Why didn't she just scream at me?"

"Maybe she knew this would torture you more."

Will sat back up, staring at his first officer and pointed at him. "Maybe that's it. It's torture. Long and drawn out."

"Maybe she didn't really know."

"She knew."

"Maybe she didn't."

"She did."

"Maybe she wanted to talk to Deanna before she verbally castrated you."

"She can't get a live transmission through from Batazed. She would have to…" Will leaned his head back against his chair again. "Oh," he moaned.

"What?"

"I have got to contact the Enterprise. I have got to warn Captain Picard."

John just tilted his head and stood to leave. "Good luck with that, Sir," he said as he headed out the door and Will nodded.

He quickly opened a subspace line and waited. Within a few minutes the communication system chimed and the picture came alive. Jean Luc Picard sat in his own ready room starring back at him.

"Hello Jean Luc," Will began, but his former captain interrupted him.

"I know that you must be angry Will, but what would you have done if you were in my position?"

Will stared back at him puzzled. What did he have to be angry with Jean Luc Picard for? "Angry?" Will asked.

"I told her that my first choice was for her to be on the Titan. But she told me that she had signed divorce papers. At least if she is here, you will know how she is."

"What do you mean if she's there?" Will asked.

For the first time, Jean Luc stopped talking and looked at Will intently. "She signed divorce papers, yes?" he asked.

"Yes," Will replied. "But Captain, we are on our way to Earth. I want to try to talk to her, to work it out. I am not giving up yet."

Jean Luc closed his eyes for a moment. "I didn't want to put in the request without talking to you," he tried to explain.

"Simms?" Will asked him confused.

"Simms," Jean Luc nodded as if he had forgotten he was loosing a member of his crew to the Titan. "He'll be good, Will. Our loss is your gain."

"Captain," Will tried to look stern. He wanted to know what his mentor was not telling him.

Jean Luc Picard took a deep breath and let out a long exhale. "Sean Patterson has accepted a new position. He will be remaining at Star Fleet Command."

Will's mind started reeling as he watched him speak. He could feel his head start to shake no before the words even left Jean Luc's mouth.

"Deanna asked if I would consider giving her her old position back, as ships counselor."

"She _has_ a position as ships counselor!" Will's voice boomed across the subspace communication line.

"Will," Jean Luc tried to speak calmly.

"You gave her a job? A job? I said to look after her, Jean Luc, not give her a way out of coming home!"

"She said…"

"I don't care what she said!"

The two men sat glaring at one another. Jean Luc was frustrated that Will would not listen to him, but Will was irate.

"She is the best counselor in Star Fleet. I want her to go home, Will. But if she chooses not to do that, I will respect her decision. And if she would be willing to serve aboard my ship, I _will_ accept it."

Will sat for a minute and stewed in the betrayal he felt in his gut.

"If it were the other way around, you would do the exact same thing," Jean Luc finally told him.

Will tried to think about that, but finally just shook his head. "I'm going to get her back," he told his friend. "So don't get your heart set on it."

Jean Luc tried to hide his smile as he leaned back in his chair and folded his arms across his chest. "By all means," he told Will. "By all means."

Will remembered that he had called to warn his friend that Luaxana Troi was going to be contacting him, but under the circumstances, he considered keeping that to himself and let Jean Luc fend for himself. Slowly he reconsidered. "Watch out for a communication from Mrs. Troi," Will offered.

Jean Luc raised one eyebrow. "You spoke to her?" he asked. Will nodded. "So she knows." Jean Luc concluded.

Will sighed thinking back to the conversation from that morning, and then nodded again.

Jean Luc let out a small whistle. "She's not coming here is she?" he asked. Will only shrugged his shoulders.

"She told me to fix it," Will told him, still puzzling over it.

Jean Luc's eyebrows rose again. "Well, I recommend, in this situation, doing as you're told."

John Knox strode through the corridor to the quarters of Linsy McKenna and rang the chime. She answered the door looking a little flustered.

"Commander," she said surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"They are expecting you in just a bit. I thought I would come and walk you to the transporter room." John looked around the room that now looked bare and vacant. "Do you need any help?"

"No, thank you, Sir. I was just making one last sweep," she said glancing around the room with him.

"You have already been to engineering?"

"Yes, I have said my good byes. I just have to get this all together,"

"It will be transported from here. Just leave everything here."

Mac nodded, then looked around again and turned back to the Titan's first officer. "I guess that's it."

"So you're ready?" he asked her.

Mac tilted her head and looked at him puzzled. "Why are you coming to wish me good bye, Commander?"

John shrugged.

"It's not like we have been close," Mac continued.

John nodded his head. "I know."

Mac sat down on what used to be her couch and looked up at John. "I'm not a bad person," Mac told him. "I'm really not."

"I never said that you were," John told her. Mac furrowed her eyebrows at him. John looked around one more time, before sitting down next to her. "It is possible that my friendship with the Captain made me react harsher to you than you deserved."

"No. I deserved it. But it was never a game. I swear."

"Mac," John said beginning to stand.

"He was nice to me. He believed in me," Mac told him shrugging her shoulders. "I liked that. I wasn't used to someone treating me like that." John opened his mouth to speak, but Mac continued. "I knew he was married. But I kept telling myself that it didn't matter. He liked me too. And I was okay with fitting into his life where I could."

John shook his head. "It was a hard time for him and his wife…"

"I know. I know what I did. But I tried not to think about her. I tried to think that it wasn't the same."

For a while the two of them let silence fill the room. Finally John spoke. "We should go. I'd hate for you to start off on the wrong foot on your next assignment."

Mac nodded at him. "I just wanted you to know, I'm not a bad person. I just made a bad decision. I hope some day you can see me for more than that one decision."

"I already can. That's why I'm here." John offered her his hand as she stood from the couch. "I could tell you the same thing about Will Riker," he told her. "He's a good man. I know he feels like he messed this one up bad, for sure with his wife, but with you too. It was really important to him that he does the right thing by you, not just to take the easy way. And take my word for it; this was not the easy way. He'll be fighting these rumors for quite a while. But I know why he did what he did, and what his motivations were. And they were to try to make it right."

John stepped back into the corridor and Mac walked with him as they headed off to the transporter room.

"Maybe it's too bad that Counselor Troi wasn't on active duty. Maybe she could have helped me realize why I am attracted to, in this case married, authority figures," Mac said as they walked down the corridors.

John looked over at her, his one eyebrow raised and his eyes wide with surprise.

Mac saw his look and corrected. "Or maybe she wouldn't have been the most appropriate choice."

John nodded. "I am sure that there are counselors at this facility, if you're serious."

They both paused as Mac thought and then slowly she nodded. "I think I am," she told him quietly.

John smiled at her slightly and nodded as they continued into the into the transporter room. "You know," John told her. "I was a little afraid you would fight to stay," he confessed. "I know it's a great opportunity. You would have been crazy, but…"

"But you thought that maybe I was crazy?"

John nodded at her. "I was glad you didn't even hesitate."

"It's warp design!" Mac told him. "And besides, I had already decided that I was going to leave."

John's face showed his surprise.

"I couldn't stay. I want him to be happy. And I want to be happy. I deserve to be happy. I deserve someone who loves me like…" Mac felt the lump in her throat grow and she swallowed hard.

"Like he loves her." John finished for her, and she nodded.

Mac stepped away from him, up to the transporter pad. "I deserve more than to be the second rate imitation. I deserve for someone to love me like that."

"You're right. You do," John told her. "Good bye, Commander." John extended his hand to her, and she took it and shook it. "It has been an adventure."

Mac tried to smile, but the lump in her throat was not going away easily. "It has been an honor to serve here, Sir," she told him. He turned to step back to the transporter controls, but she called out to him. "Commander…" John turned to look at her again. "Could you tell him… could you just…" Mac fidgeted with her fingers as she struggled to put her feelings into words. "Could you tell him that he did right by me?"

John watched as the tears began to well in her eyes, and he nodded at her.

"And could…could you just…tell him good bye?" she asked again, her voice faltering.

John nodded again and Mac wiped at her eyes. "Good bye Commander Knox," she concluded.

"Make us proud," John told her.

Mac nodded gratefully. "I will."

John entered the transporter coordinance and with another quick nod from Mac, John activated the transporter beam and Linsy McKenna was gone.

"Captain," John called as he entered the bridge. "Commander McKenna has reported to Utopia Plenitia. All her possessions have been beamed to her new quarters. I think we are done here," he said taking his seat to Will's right.

Will nodded. He had wondered if he should have said good-bye to her, but he had decided to hide on the bridge instead. He gave a heavy sigh and spoke. "Lieutenant, set a course for Earth, warp 5."

"Course plotted and laid in, Sir."

John leaned over to Will. "So what do we do if the converters fall apart now?" he asked with a small smile.

Will looked over, with no sign of humor. "Bite your tongue," he told him, shaking his head.

"You ready for this?" John asked him.

"Ready or not." Will answered. "Lieutenant, engage."


	16. Chapter 16

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek TNG or any of it's original characters.

_To my readers: Thank you all for your faithful feedback. I am having trouble finding time to write. I appreciate the encouragement. Also, if anyone cares, the forum "Bar Mysterious" wanted me to answer some questions about me and this story. An interview if you will. So it is there, should you choose to look at it. _

Beverly bristled around her sickbay, banging and slamming things as she fixed her patient's scratches and bruises. She was restless and wanted to get what she needed to done and get out of there.

"Hey Doc," Geordi called as he entered sickbay. "I was wondering if you could make an adjustment to my optical implant. It is cutting out some of my peripheral vision."

Beverly huffed as she headed towards him. "Fine," she muttered. "Sit down."

Geordi stepped back from the fuming physician. "Hey, Doc. Are you alright?" he asked.

Beverly sighed. "I'm sorry, Geordi. I'm just in a bad mood. Sit down. Let me take a look at it."

Geordi sat and let the doctor assess his optical implant. He could feel her raging as she stood next to him making minor adjustments. "So, do you want to talk about it?" Geordi asked.

Beverly shook her head. "I just don't want to be here. I was hoping to get down to the planet today, but little things keep popping up."

"What is waiting on the surface?"

"I was hoping to see Deanna," Beverly told him. "I just can't understand…" Beverly put down the optic laser that she had been using. "Try that," she interrupted herself.

Geordi blinked several times and glanced around the room. "Yeah, thanks," he told her. "Can't understand what?"

Beverly sat down next to him on the bio bed. "Last week Deanna and I went to lunch. She seemed so much better, and she was going on about how she wanted to try to work it out with Will, how she loved him." Beverly shook her head. "Then a few days later, I hear from the captain that she filed for divorce. I don't get it!"

"Divorce? Really?" Geordi asked. "I guess I thought…"

"Me too," Beverly told him. "But she thinks he is still seeing this woman. I don't know what is wrong with that man. That is not the Will I knew."

"He's what?" Geordi asked confused. "I don't think so Doc. He said…"

"He said? You have talked to him?" Beverly asked accusingly.

"Well, yeah. I did."

"When?" Beverly asked.

"While you were on leave. He wanted me to read a file and see if I would recommend her for a promotion. _The her_, Doc. Linsy McKenna."

Beverly just stared at him. "What did you do?"

"She deserved it, Doc. I swear she did," Geordi said defensively, hoping off the bed. "Her warp designs were first rate. Better than anything we have in production. I don't think he's dating her. He was saying he was going to get Deanna back." Geordi shrugged. "I believed him."

"I have got to get down there!" Beverly fumed. She had no sooner said the words than Sickbay's doors opened and two young boys were dragged in by their father, each looking like they had been in a fistfight with bleeding scratches and a broken bone or two. "Ahh! That is it! I am never getting out of here."

"Hey, Doc. Let me go. I think I owe her an explanation."

Deanna looked out over the bay as she made her way, past the large oak tree, to the place where she had found the graves of Will's parents. She carried flowers in her hand that she had picked from Sara Lewis' parents garden. They were a sweet old couple. Deanna thought of how it was clear that they love each other as they totter around their house. She wondered how it was that some loves stood the test of time and others crumbled and faded away. She had thought that she and Will would be like that. They had already been through so much. She sighed as she took her final steps to the graves. She had to find a way to let go.

She stepped up to the headstones and began to clear away the few leaves that had fallen around them. Then she quietly placed some of the flowers that she carried by each of the grave markers, first her father in law, a man who never truly let her get to know him, a man hurt by years of loneliness. Deanna wondered what he would have been like if his wife had not died. Would he have been the man he was when she had met him? What would Will's life had been like? She wondered if it would have changed the man he became.

Then she took the rest of the flowers and placed them in front of Will's mother's headstone. She wondered what this woman must have been like? She was clearly strong enough to tame Will's father, which she imagined was quite a feat. She was strong enough to choose to make her home here in Alaska, away from the bustle and ease that city life could have offered her. Would their love have lasted if she had lived? Or would it have faded and died like so many others?

She had also wanted a baby, this woman who Deanna would never know, and Kyle had agreed, though maybe kicking and screaming. And when Will was born they had been happy. But, at least as Will told it, his father had never really wanted him, and he was a strain on their relationship. After she died, Will was pushed away as a lasting reminder of his father's pain and heartache.

Perhaps all marriages had strains and heartaches. Maybe she and Will were not that different. Maybe if circumstances were different, there could have been a way forward. But that was past now. They had made their choices.

"I'm sorry," she spoke out loud though she was there alone. She couldn't help but feel that she had let this woman down. She had promised to love and care for her son, and now she was giving up, walking away. "I tried," she told her. "I wanted so much for us to have that happy ending. I wanted to rock my babies on that swing on the porch, like you did. I wanted that." Deanna felt the tears began to trickle from her eyes. "I tried to be everything he needed," she told his mother, "but I failed him. I couldn't do everything."

Deanna placed her last flower and stood, brushing the leaves and mud off her knees where she had been kneeling and pushed her hair behind her ears that had been blowing in the late morning breeze. "I'm sorry," she repeated. She wiped at her eyes and took a few deep breaths. Her eyes scanned out over the bay. It was such a beautiful day. She felt like this place had become a part of her somehow and it saddened her to know that when she left, she would never come back. This was Will's life, not hers. These were his views, his trails, his family. She was only a visitor. She looked back at the graves where she stood. She had wanted to be a member of this family, but she came here to let that go. It wasn't her place to be here, with Will's family. Slowly she tore herself away and began the walk down the hill back towards town.

The sun was shining off the water and the breeze was blowing in her hair as she rounded the bend and saw the ferry docked at the pier. She could not clearly identify the people who were mulling about, but one of them, she was fairly certain that it was Erik Lewis, was pointing up at her. She raised her hand in the air to wave back at him. As he stepped aside, Deanna could clearly see the stark colors of a Star Fleet uniform.

"Geordi!" She called as she picked up her pace down the hill.

He waved in return and began to make his way towards her.

"What are you doing here?" she asked as they drew near one another. She hugged him in greeting. "Does this mean that the warp core is in and ready to go?"

"Well, no. We are having some trouble getting all the systems to want to talk to each other. It should be ironed out in a few days. But they pushed back our departure date by a week, so we'll have plenty of time to get it taken care of."

"Oh?" Together they each began to stroll towards the water's edge. "So have you come to sight see?" she asked.

"It is beautiful," Geordi replied glancing out at the bay and the peaks beyond. "But I actually came to talk to you."

"What have you heard?" Deanna asked him as she sighed.

"Enough," he assured her.

Deanna showed him the path that led along the bay to the mouth of the Pacific Ocean. They talked as they walked. He told her about what he knew of the circumstances of Mac's promotion and transfer.

"I should have told you the minute I spoke to him. I didn't mean for you to hear anything that I had said or had done and have them be misinterpreted."

Deanna stood quietly, looking out over the water. She had not said anything for the last few minutes as they neared the end of the trail. She took a few steps away and sat down on a fallen log. Still looking out to the water, she couldn't think of anything to say. Was it possible that she had completely misread Will's actions? She felt suddenly like a fool for not speaking to her husband herself.

"I'm sorry," Geordi offered.

"Don't be, Geordi. You didn't do anything. I just…" she let the sentence die as she shrugged her shoulders. "I don't know what to think, what to do." Deanna sighed and began to fidget with the wedding band she still wore.

Geordi came and sat next to her. "I don't know. I just don't want any of this to be because of something I did," he said as he placed his hand on her arm. Deanna placed her hand over his and patted it and tried to offer him a smile.

"My decisions are my decisions, Geordi, not yours. Please don't worry. Will and I make our own decisions, our own choices, and we alone are responsible for them." Deanna sighed again heavily. "Now, if this is supposed to be your shore leave, let me show you some of the beautiful things I have seen." Deanna stood and Geordi followed.

They spent the rest of the afternoon wandering the hills and valleys around Turner. They watched the herd of elk graze on the hill and eventually they made their way back into town. They walked into the café to get something to eat as Geordi waited for the next ferry.

"What's good?" Geordi asked looking around the café.

"Everything," Deanna responded. "But don't bother trying to pick something," she cautioned. No sooner had she told him than Miss Rosemary approached the table and put down two plates of sandwiches and soups.

"And who is this?" Rosemary asked Deanna.

"Miss Rosemary, this is Geordi Laforge. He is a friend of Will's and mine."

"Well, it's a pleasure to meet you," Rosemary offered shaking Geordi's hand.

"Miss Rosemary has know Will since he was a baby," Deanna told Geordi.

"I bet you could tell some stories," Geordi replied. Rosemary only nodded.

"Oh, Miss Rosemary. Tell him about when Will crashed his father's boat into the sandbar." Deanna began to smile. "That is my personal favorite."

"No!" Geordi said shocked.

"Oh yes. He was taking a girl out on a date." Miss Rosemary began to tell the story. "I am sure she was very impressed until the coast guard had to tow them in. Oh, and was his father angry." Miss Rosemary shook her head at the memory. "Go on, eat your lunch," she told them both. "It was nice to meet you. Come again." Miss Rosemary scurried off and Geordi continued to snicker.

"Do you suppose that he put that on his Star Fleet Application?" he asked. Deanna only smiled. "Kind of makes you think twice about giving him command of a star ship, or any kind of ship doesn't it?"

"All I know is I've known Will for a long time and I had never heard that story until two weeks ago," Deanna replied.

Geordi nodded more solemnly. He pulled something out of the pocket of the coat that he had been carrying. "Here," he said. He held out a PADD to her. "It's the file Will sent me for me to review. I thought it might help if you read it yourself. It doesn't change what happened. I know that. But don't let this one thing change what you want. If you were going to try to work through it before you heard what you did from the Admiral, can't you still try?" he asked.

Deanna sat, holding the PADD at arms length, silent as she thought. "I don't know that I knew how to fix it then either."

The two quietly ate their lunch as the ferry pulled up to the pier. "I have to go," Geordi told her. He looked back at the PADD that sat next to her glass. "Just think about it," he told her. He patted her shoulder lightly as he headed out the door and off to the ferry.

Deanna remained where she sat, reviewing the last few weeks and the decisions that she had made.

"Your friend left," Miss Rosemary said passing the table. As she looked at Deanna she swung into the seat that Geordi had vacated. "Are you alright, dear?" she asked placing her hand over Deanna's.

"Miss Rosemary, what if I've made a terrible mistake?" Deanna asked quietly.

"We all make terrible mistakes, dear. That is part of living. We make choices without thinking them through or without all the information…"

"But how do you fix what you've done?" Deanna asked her.

"I suppose that depends on the mistake." Rosemary patted Deanna's hand and then her head as she stood to walk away. "Just remember, we all make them. It is what makes us human." She paused and looked down at Deanna. "Or half human as the case may be."

As Deanna arrived back at the house later that afternoon, she heard the chime of the communications system. She put down the book that she had borrowed from the library on the way home and walked into the kitchen and sat down at the desk with the communications monitor. She had received a text only message while she was out. Her heart skipped. Will would have received the divorce papers. She hesitated, afraid of what the message would say. Finally she took a deep breath and opened the file. The words appeared on the screen. Her first impression was how short the message was. Before she even began to read, her eyes flew to the signature at the bottom. It was not from Will after all.

_Dea,_

_I just got your letter. Please think about what you are doing._

_Will has done everything he could, since you left to distance_

_himself from her. John wrote for her promotion. Please forgive_

_him. He is a dope, but he's my dope. She is being transferred, _

_Deanna. It is what is best for everyone. _

_I can't make a decision for you, but please, give us four days. _

_We are on our way to Earth. We will talk then. Please, just don't_

_do anything until we get there. He loves you. I know he does. _

_Jen_

Deanna read the words twice through. The Titan was coming to Earth? In four days? She quickly checked when it was sent and calculated the time again. She had three days at best. Three days to figure out what she was doing. When she woke up that morning, her future had been decided for her and now it was just as much of a jumbled mess as it was when she first arrived. If he wasn't seeing her, if he didn't promote her…then what? Did she go back? Did she know how? How must he have felt opening the papers that had been sent to him? Deanna had been under the assumption that he would expect if not welcome them. But now she wasn't sure. Had it hurt him? Was she even sorry if it did?

She left the letter up on the screen as she tidied up the house. She tried to write in her journal, hoping that if she put her scattered thoughts on paper they would somehow organize themselves. When her mind had emptied itself, and it still did not make sense to her, she gave up and began to make herself something to eat.

The sun was setting in the western sky and the horizon was scattered with streaks of orange and red. The eagles were flying again, swooping over the bay. She watched them from the front porch as she ate. Some people from town walked by and they waved to Deanna as if she belonged, and she waved back. She seemed to just have become part of the scenery. Deanna wondered if anyone in this town was asking what she was doing there? If they were, she couldn't sense it. It seemed to her that they were either hopelessly accepting, or they suffered from a terminal lack of curiosity. Either way, she decided, she was grateful.

As she headed back inside as darkness fell, Deanna again heard the chime of the communicator. She had been in Alaska more than two weeks and she had spoken to anyone outside of Turner only sporadically. Now in one day she had a visitor and two letters. She didn't know how she felt about that. She noticed immediately that the message was not sent through a Star Fleet communication grid, but a political communications grid. For a moment her heart thumped louder in her chest as her mind raced, but as she activated the message, she recognized immediately where it had come from and she sighed heavily.

_My dearest little one,_

_I have thought at great length about what I wanted to say to you. _

_I considered telling you what it is like to panic when your child_

_disappeared with no word as to where she has gone. _

_I considered telling you that running away is not the way to solve _

_your problems. I considered telling you a lot of things about how _

_I felt about the life you have chosen. But I decided to tell you something _

_about the life I chose, the life I have lived._

Deanna continued to read her mother's words as darkness fell around her. The more she read the more shocked she became. Her mind could not seem to wrap around the idea of what she was reading. At one point, she actually stopped reading and began pacing around the house, her mind racing with images and memories of her childhood. Figuring that she had missed some sort of explanation further on in her mother's letter, Deanna sat again and continued to read. But there was no missing piece of information, or something that she had overlooked. Deanna slumped down in the chair by the fire. Her mind ran through countless memories of her childhood. Was it possible that she had not known anything about her parent's marriage?

Her father had been the most loving patient person she had ever known. And he loved her. There was nothing more important to him that his daughter was. He had told her that all of her life until the day he died. But did he love her mother the same way? She could have sworn that he did. She remembered hearing him tell her mother that countless times. He had always been doting on her and he had always seemed to consciously make her mother feel like the most important person in the room. Was this why?

Deanna stared into the flames of the fire and let her mind run wild for what must have been hours. She wondered how her mother had known, and why she had chosen to share this with her now. Had she spoken to Will? And if she had, what had he told her? Shaking her head, Deanna climbed the stares to her room, pausing remembering the last time she had thought about her father as she ascended this staircase a few days before.

"Act like how you want to feel and your true emotions will follow suit." That is what he had told her. Had he done that? Had her mother? Is that how they had gotten through it? Her mother didn't see fit to tell her that part. And as she climbed into bed and pulled her comforter around her, she realized that was the one thing she wanted to know the most. Her life had been turned upside down in a day, again! She had to find a way between where she was and where she wanted to be. Because she knew, if she was honest with herself, she knew what she wanted. It was only how to get there that was confusing her.

Deanna woke up with a start in the morning with the sun shining brightly in her windows. With one movement she was up and out of bed. She had overslept and this was the worst possible day to do it. She chastised herself as she showered. If she was going to return to duty, she needed to get back on a schedule. She ran to the ferry and made it just in time. But as the icy still water of the bay slid away underneath her, she began questioning her decisions. The Enterprise would be leaving orbit in less than 10 days. Would she leave with them?

Beverly Crusher waited for her friend to fully materialize before jumping up on the transporter pad and hugging her.

"Beverly!" Deanna was surprised. "What are you doing here?"

"You were scheduled for a tour for new crew members, and since you have already served aboard the Enterprise E, I thought we could chat instead."

"Does the captain know you arranged this?" Deanna asked skeptically.

Beverly smiled. "He knows what he needs to know," she told her. "Come on." With that Beverly was dragging Deanna from the transporter room, chatting as she went. "So Geordi talked to you? I wanted to come down myself, but it was like something was conspiring against me. I was stuck in Sickbay the whole day." Beverly paused and took a deep breath. "So did what Geordi said make any difference?"

Deanna looked down at the carpet below her feet. "I don't know, Beverly."

"It's not that we don't want you here," Beverly emphasized. "I think it would be great fun. But sweetie…he's your husband. What did he say about all this?"

Deanna hung her head even lower, but did not respond.

"Tell me that you talked to him!"

Deanna began to fidget slightly.

"Deanna!"

"I know, I know! I panicked a bit. But he will be here in the next couple of days. I will talk to him then, I swear!"

Beverly only stared at her and shook her head. Then with a sigh, continued to pull Deanna along on her mock tour. The two women perused the ship for the next hour, talking as they went. Mostly Beverly lectured Deanna, but Deanna didn't argue.

"Beverly, can I ask you something?" Deanna asked her. Beverly stopped and looked at her with her eyebrows raised. "Do you think… I mean if Jack hadn't died…" Deanna sighed. "What do you think the two of you would have been like? Do you think that all these years later you would be happy?"

Beverly starred at her a moment longer, clearly contemplating the question. Then she gave a small shrug. "Oh, I don't know, Dea. I like to think we would be. When I close my eyes and pretend sometimes that is how I picture us. But people change. Life changes. I guess we'll never know." She watched as Deanna seemed to absorb her answer. "I ran out of time, Deanna. You didn't. Will is still here. And if he still loves you… isn't that worth something?" Deanna was fidgeting with her wedding ring again, looking down. "Do you still love him?" Beverly asked her.

"I want to love him," Deanna replied and continued to walk down the corridor.

They spent most of the next hour in sickbay where Beverly gave Deanna a clean bill of health and assured her that the minute she requested that she be moved off of medical leave, it would be done. Then Beverly led Deanna back into the ship to finish their tour.

After a few more minutes of walking, Beverly paused as if they had reached their destination. "Well, these will be your quarters," then a little softer she continued, "if you should choose to join us."

Deanna let out a small gasp. "But Beverly…these were my old quarters. These were my quarters three years ago."

"I know," Beverly answered simply.

"This isn't a coincidence."

Beverly shrugged her shoulders at her friend. "This is what has been assigned to you. If you want something different, you could talk to the captain…"

Deanna's voice was softer, more timid. "No. This is fine."

"Well let's see if they've changed," Beverly said as she stepped towards the door and the two women stepped inside. "You know your office is the same too." Beverly looked over at Deanna as she scanned the room. Deanna kept shaking her head and sighing. The more she did, the more Beverly tried to hide her smile. "Well, that's about it. Do you want to head to ten forward and get some lunch before you go?" Beverly asked her.

"Actually, Bev…I have a favor. Would it be possible for me to contact my mother? I can only send text by subspace from the house…"

"And there are some things that should be said to someone's face?" Beverly offered.

Deanna nodded with a weak smile.

Beverly pointed to the communications screen. "Why don't you send it from here? Tell you what, I'll let you do that and I'll meet you in ten forward when you're done. Okay?"

Deanna nodded again, gratefully. "Thank you Beverly."

Beverly only smiled gently at her and headed out the door. She turned and just as the doors closed behind her, Jean Luc Picard rounded the corner. "Captain," Beverly greeted him.

"Ah, Doctor. I was just going to see how your little tour was going."

"She is contacting her mother right now," Beverly said, indicating the quarters where she had left Deanna.

Jean Luc nodded wearily. "Tell me again why I am assigning her the same quarters she had before she transferred?" he asked his medical officer.

"Because," Beverly sounded insistent as she slipped her arm through his and began to lead him away from the door. "She needs to see that you can't go forward by hiding in the past."

"I see," he responded, and the two of them wandered off towards the nearest turbo lift.

Deanna tapped her fingers on the desk as she waited for the transmission to reach its destination. After a few anxious minutes the communications system chimed and the screen filled with a picture of Lwaxana Troi.

"Hello Mother," Deanna greeted her.

Lwaxana smiled at her daughter graciously. "It is good to know that you can contact me when you are properly motivated," her mother told her.

But Deanna only sighed. "I'm sorry I didn't contact you myself. I should have. I know that. Please forgive me?"

"Of course, darling. You were hurt and scarred. I understand. But will you believe me now when I tell you that you should have come home?"

Deanna shook her head. "What happened, Mother? I don't understand."

"What is there to understand my dear? Your father was a good man, a great man. But he was still a man, imperfect as any of the rest of them. And I was not blameless, little one. It was a tragedy all the way around. That's all there was to it."

"That's all?" Deanna asked. "That's all?"

"My dear, calm down and I will try to tell you what you want to know."

"How did it happen?"

"I told you in the letter. Parents are not supposed to loose a child. It goes against the natural order of the universe. After Kestra died, I was grieving. We were both grieving. Unfortunately, my grief shut him out. I wouldn't speak to him, spend time with him. You became my whole universe. I had to protect you from every hurt that I could. It is all I have ever tired to do for you. But the harder I try…"

"Mother," Deanna interjected, sensing they were about to begin to rehash old arguments.

"Fine, fine. My point is that he needed someone to talk to, and I would not let that be me. So he turned to someone else. It was all very innocent at first, I am sure. But it changed slowly until he had crossed a line that he could not take back."

"What did you do?" Deanna asked simply, feeling suddenly as though her mother was her kindred spirit.

"I screamed and yelled. I threw things at him. I told him to leave and never come back. I was outraged and humiliated, though I don't believe now that anyone else really knew."

"But…"

"But," Lwaxana continued. "My mother stepped in. She told me that my actions were going to bring shame and embarrassment to the fifth house, and that I would work through this. It was what was necessary. I believe she used the expression that I made my bed and now I had to lie in it." Deanna felt her jaw drop. "And then she came and took you from me and told me that my husband was at the house on the north coast and that I could return when things were settled."

"And you did?"

"Yes. We were gone for three weeks, but you survived with your grandparents and neither your father nor I killed one another. We got a fresh start."

"But… How?" Deanna pleaded. She could feel her tears of frustration starting well up in her eyes. How is it that her parents could get though it, but she was stuck? "Please Mother," she said as tears coursed down her cheeks. "How do you get from throwing things at him to a fresh start? I have to know how! I can't. I don't see how to get there. I'm…" Deanna paused. It was the first time she realized that she felt this way. "I am so scared." Deanna sat at the desk, looking into her mother's face as she cried now in earnest.

"Little one. My little one," Lwaxana tried to sooth her. "If you are asking me to tell you how to guarantee that you are never hurt by him again, that what happened would never happen again… I can't give that to you. Love, life…it is about the risk. My husband was a good man who made an error in judgment during a dark and difficult time. Can you say the same thing about William?"

Deanna nodded, still wiping at the tears that wet her cheeks. "But I don't see how…" she continued.

"It is a leap of faith, my dear. If you want to trust, if you want to believe, than you must simply do it. And each day that leap will become easier, until it is not such a leap anymore."

"What if I don't know how? What if… What if I am not brave enough?"

"I believe in you, Deanna. You are my daughter. And one of the bravest women I have ever known. Trust your heart."

"You are not going to tell me that I am disgracing the fifth house?" Deanna asked puzzled.

"Ha! My dear, times change. Luralia, daughter of the second house had twin daughters last year… what an honor for her family… until three months ago when her husband ran off with the nanny."

"No," Deanna gasped.

Lwaxana only chuckled. "Oh, yes."

"Mother, that is awful!" Deanna chastised her.

"Oh, I know it is darling. I'm sorry. But my point is you could divorce Will tomorrow and come home next week and you wouldn't even be a scandal."

The two women looked at each other in silence for a moment, before Deanna spoke. "Mother, did you ever regret it? Taking him back?"

"Your father?" Lwaxana seemed shocked. "Deanna, do you remember your father and I together?" Deanna nodded. "Didn't we seem happy?"

"Well, yes, but…"

"No buts, my dear. I yelled, I screamed, I threw things at him. I told him never again and that was that. We talked and we never stopped again. I had nine more immensely happy years with your father before he died. And I would give anything to have more. I wouldn't give those years back for anything, Deanna. Anything. I wouldn't change it. It made us stronger. I loved him. I still do." Lwaxana paused and looked at Deanna.

"And Daddy loved you?" she asked timidly.

"Yes, he loved me. He never stopped loving me," Lwaxana told her. "Oh, little one. You have so much of me in you. But when I look at you, I see your father too. You are the best part of us, and I am grateful for it. You are brave enough and strong enough to either walk away or go back. I will not make the choice for you that my mother made for me. But I will tell you that I love your father to this day. There are many men in the universe, but only one Imzadi. It is a leap of faith, my little one."

Deanna nodded slowly as she continued to wipe at the tears she could not control. "Thank you Mother."

"Don't think less of him, Darling."

"Daddy?" Deanna asked.

"Either of them. They are more alike than I am comfortable with at times." Lwaxana paused. "Don't you tell William I said that. He will use it against me someday."

Deanna's cries turned to a small smile.

"When does he arrive?" her mother asked.

"A couple of days," Deanna told her, not even asking how she knew what she knew.

"Good. Talk to him, little one. Space is fine. But you cannot run away from your problems." Lwaxana leaned forward as if to end the transmission, and then added.

"Throw something heavy at him for me."

Deanna smiled again. "I love you Mother."

"I love you little one." And with those words her mother was gone.

Deanna walked in to ten forward to find Beverly and the captain talking at a table near the corner. "Captain," she said as she approached.

"Deanna," Jean Luc stood. "I will let the two of you eat."

"Actually, I need to get back to Earth," Deanna told them both.

Beverly stood and gave Deanna a quick hug. It was easy to see that she had been crying, but something about her looked more at peace, maybe even determined than she had since she first arrived three weeks before. "Is everything alright?" Beverly asked her.

Deanna nodded. "I think so."

"And have you made a decision about the transfer then?" Jean Luc asked her quietly. "I understand that there may have been some reconsideration."

"Oh, Captain. I am so sorry." She told him. "I don't know what to tell you."

"You don't have to. Not today. Deanna," he reached out and took her hand. "Nothing is more important to me than your happiness. I can wait."

"Thank you Captain." She told him and with a quick hug for each of them Deanna headed back to Alaska.

A half an hour later, Deanna burst through the doors for the café. "Miss Rosemary?" she called to the empty café.

"My dear," Rosemary called emerging from the kitchen. "Is everything alright?"

"Miss Rosemary, I need a favor." Deanna pleaded.

"Of course dear." Miss Rosemary watched her for a moment. "This doesn't by chance have something to do with the terrible mistake you mentioned yesterday, does it?" she asked. Deanna continued to look at her pleadingly, but did not respond. "What is it that I can do for you, dear?"

"Will is going to be here in the next couple of days. I was hoping you could teach me to make something for him. Something he really likes."

"Oh?" Miss Rosemary questioned. "Well, I suppose. What did you have in mind?"

Deanna shrugged her shoulders.

"In that case…Let's see." Miss Rosemary searched her memory. "He always really liked cookies. I think oatmeal were his favorite."

Deanna's stomach sank with a memory of someone else baking him cookies. "No! Not cookies. Something else?"

Miss Rosemary looked startled at her response, but only nodded, taking Deanna's hand and leading her back into the kitchen. "There is an old Earth saying that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach," she told Deanna. "Why don't we start with a romantic dinner."

Deanna paused again. She couldn't stop the lurch in her stomach. But if she were going to do this, she had to leap. Deanna closed her eyes, took a deep breath, and then let it out slowly. "Yes. That's perfect," she told her. "Where do I start?"


	17. Chapter 17

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek TNG or any of it's original characters.

_To my readers:_ _I apologize in advance for the length of this chapter. There was no way to break it up. Also -__When you get to the end of this chapter and you want to write me a scathing review, please feel free. Just note that this is NOT the last chapter of the story. When it is - it will say "The End". _

Will woke to the sound of his communicator. "Bridge to Captain…"

He stumbled off the couch where he had been sleeping and grabbed his comm. badge. "Go ahead."

"Captain, we are approaching Earth. Mars perimeter has given us clearance and orders from Star Fleet Command to enter orbit."

"Make it so. I'll be on the bridge shortly. Riker out." Will tapped his badge again to end the communication and tossed it aside as he hurriedly threw his blankets back onto his bed and headed to the shower. He had tried to sleep in the bed for the last few weeks, but it just seemed empty somehow. Without her, he just seemed to sleep better on the couch. It was still early in the morning on ships time, but he wanted to be on the bridge when they entered orbit.

...

Deanna rolled over in bed, pulling the covers tighter around her as she heard the patter of rain against the windows. But as she lay there in the gray early morning light, she felt a sensation almost overwhelm her. It was like a tickle inside her head that spread down her neck and through her whole body. Her breath quickened and she felt her adrenaline start to pump. It was Will. He had arrived. She could feel his presence and it both excited and terrified her. She closed her eyes again, now laying flat on her back and tried to get a feel of him. He must still be on the Titan. His mind was focused on command business, far from personal emotions. But she knew if she tried hard enough, she could have made him aware of her too. She considered for a while, listening to the rain, but after a few minutes decided that she would wait. He was so near. She would wait.

...

By 08:00 Will was back in his quarters quickly throwing personal items into a travel case when the chime came from his door. "Come in," he called continuing with his work.

The doors opened and John Knox stepped in. "Good morning Captain. You wanted to see me?"

Only then did Will pause and look at his first officer. "Yes, John, I did. I spoke to Admiral Brand's assistant this morning. Lt. Commander Simms will be transferring aboard tomorrow, 09:00. Once he has been briefed, McKinnly station will beam aboard the four new warp converters. You have ten days to get Commander Simms oriented and the engines up and running. You also need to get each department head to submit requests for items needing restocked before Friday."

"I, Sir?" John asked.

"Yes, you," Will said flatly. "I have already sent all the niceties that are required to all the right people. Don't worry about all of that garbage."

"And while I am orienting a new chief engineer and overseeing the repair of our engines, you will be?"

"I'm leaving for Alaska." Will said throwing a few more items in the travel case.

"When?" John asked.

Will shrugged. "Now," Will told him. "She's your ship. Take care of her. And I am sorry. I'll make it up to you later, I swear."

"No big deal, Sir. The only place Jen wanted to go was to visit her mom. I think I will be fine missing that visit."

"Well, in that case," Will said throwing a couple of PADD's into the case. "Anything I can do to be of help."

"And when will you be back, Sir? In case someone from Star Fleet Command were to ask."

Will sighed and looked down at his bag. He had asked himself that repeatedly as he packed. "I am going down today and I will be back when we've worked it out."

"So sometime between now and when we break orbit?"

Will sucked in his bottom lip and nodded. "Sounds about right, yeah."

"Good plan." John answered smiling.

"I left the contact information for the house in your computer file this morning, if you need me." John nodded in acknowledgement. "And if it can be helped, please don't need me," Will added.

"Yes Sir."

Will resumed his packing and then as abruptly as he had started, shut the case and hoisted it onto his shoulder.

"Is there anything else Sir?" John asked.

"That should be it, John." Will answered.

"If that's the case," John stepped back towards the door. "Have a safe trip, and a safe stay."

"I'll do my best," Will answered.

John was almost out the door. "On a more personal note…" he began. Will paused and looked up at his friend. "Just a piece of friendly advise?" John asked for Will's permission.

Will nodded.

"You're going down in uniform?"

Will looked down at his clothing and shrugged. He hadn't really thought about what he was wearing.

"Is she getting a visit from her captain or her husband?" John asked.

"I should change?" Will asked his friend.

John nodded. "You should change. Safe trip, Sir." John called and he was off.

Will Riker stepped onto the ferry and looked around at this place that had been his home. The surface of everything was wet with the rain that had fallen through the night and into the early morning. But now the clouds were only wisps in the sky and the sun shone down onto the bay. The rain had left a crisp feeling in the air. He had taken this exact boat across this exact bay every day, to and from school as a child. But now it seemed different. Certainly not smaller, as the mountain peaks stretched high against the blue of the sky, but different somehow.

"William Riker?" Someone asked from behind him.

Will turned around and saw a young lanky man, his wet hair hanging slightly in his eyes as he strode across the deck towards him. The young man extended his hand to him and Will shook it firmly.

"Erik Lewis," the young man introduced himself as the boat pulled away from the Valdez dock.

"Erik Lewis!" Will exclaimed. "You grew up."

Erik pulled his hair back from his eyes and responded. "Yes sir. That happens."

"How are you?" Will asked.

"Fine. I work the ferry while I am in school. It gives me a good reason to check in on my mom and dad every day."

"You don't live in Turner?" Will asked him.

"No, no. Sarah and Matt have a house on the east end of town and I live with them. It's close to school."

"And how is Sarah?" Will asked suddenly feeling a bit awkward.

"She's fine. She's in town today."

Will glanced around at the probably 30 other people on the ferry with him. He gestured to the other passengers. "Have things changed that much?" he asked.

"Oh, them? Nah, they are just heading over for the day. It's harvest days you know."

Will burst into a smile at the memories. Harvest days were an old tradition, when the last of the harvested fruit was brought into Turner's town square and a market of sorts appeared. All sorts of things were available in the square. What used to be fruit and preserved goods back in the day were now added to with treats and crafts. Will remembered as a child running back and forth among the booths eating sweet after sweet with his friend Jimmy until they hid out under the pier, sick to their stomachs, and tried to avoid going home. "Harvest days? Really?" he asked.

"Yeah, so we got the tourists today and tomorrow."

Will smiled with a sigh. Harvest days. It was like nothing had changed. He turned back to Erik Lewis. They stood on the deck with the breeze of the bay blowing around them as the boat cut through the water. "Thanks for helping Deanna find her way. She mentioned that you walked her to the house."

Erik hung his head. "It was no big thing. Miss Rosemary yelled at me for razzing her a bit on the trip over. But she's real nice." Erik told him. "She's been friendly and stuff while she's gone back and forth. And I've checked in on her when I'm up at my folks. She doesn't seem all… you know…alien or whatever. Just a normal nice lady."

Will laughed out loud at that. Then nodded at the young man as he rubbed his beard.

"And you recognized me?" Will asked. "I haven't seen you since you were a kid."

Erik shrugged, then pointed at his bag where Will had clipped his communicator. "A friend of yours was here a few days ago." He pointed to his chest where an officer would wear a communicator on their uniform. "He had one too. We don't get a lot of Star Fleet officers up here. You looked familiar," he offered. "But that helped. Besides, I figured you would be here before too long to take her home. I don't think she'd take to kindly to our winter."

"No, I don't suppose she would," Will replied. "So this visitor. Did he have a name?"

Erik shrugged again. "About so high," he indicated a man shorter than himself. "Black, really big eyes. He'd never been here before, you could tell."

Will nodded. Geordi Laforge. His description of him was interesting, but it was Geordi for sure. He wondered what had torn Geordi away from his new warp core to bring him here to see Deanna.

The boat was rapidly approaching the other side of the bay and Will took the opportunity for a bit of quick reconnaissance before he arrived.

"So, she's been okay? Deanna? I mean, she's been happy here?"

Erik nodded a little. "Yeah, I guess. She was a little sad and stand offish at first, but she warmed up to us after a bit." Erik thought back on the last few weeks. "She seemed to have a rough time a bit ago. She was all out of sorts coming across the bay late one night. I was worried about her, but she said she was fine. Then no one saw her for a few days, but after that, she's been great, out and strolling through town, happy, all put together. She's really…" Erik stopped speaking.

"Beautiful." Will finished for him.

"Yeah. Sorry."

Will smiled again and patted Erik on the shoulder. "Don't be. She is beautiful." The ferry was pulling along side the Turner pier.

"I gotta run," Erik told him. "Tell Deanna hi for me. I haven't seen her today."

"I will," he replied and watched Erik go to work.

As Will followed the other passengers as they disembarked he began to feel the foreboding, like a heavy weight in his limbs was slowing him down. The streets were crowded around him as he followed the flow of people up the hill towards the town green. He wondered where Deanna would be. He could go straight to the house and hope she was there. But as he tried to formulate a plan, he stopped dead in his tracks. Ahead of him, on the green she stood.

Her dark hair shimmered in the sun as she leaned forward and picked up a piece of fruit in front of her. She was wearing a cream blouse and a pleated plaid skirt that was cream and blue and brown. It was short and her legs were covered by think brown leggings and tall brown boots. She looked completely at ease as she sniffed at the apple in her hand and talked with the grower behind the table. Her back was mostly to him, but he could picture her face in his mind. Slowly he stepped out of the flow of the crowd and stood, partially hidden by a tree on the edge of the path. He simply could not take his eyes from her. She looked peaceful and happy. As much as he enjoyed his view, it was more the fear of her reaction to him suddenly walking back into her life that kept his feet firmly on the ground, off the path, next to a tree.

...

Deanna picked up the apple. It looked delicious. "What kind of apple is this?" Deanna asked.

"It's an Empire. They love the cold up here. Just smell it," the vendor told her.

Deanna raised the apple to her nose and inhaled. The smell was the very essence of what an apple tasted like. She smiled slightly puzzled. Perhaps she did not smell her food enough. But as she let out her deep breath, it was a different sensation that flooded over her. It was that same tingling in her mind that she had been feeling all day, except it had grown much stronger. He was here, and she knew it. She could sense how close he was to her. Slowly she closed her eyes and allowed the sense of him to fill her. He was watching her. Deanna could feel his trepidation. But she did not turn around to find him. It was as if she could divide herself in half, one half wanting to look at him, to soak in the sight of him, and the other was fighting the urge to run away. Deanna tried to appear engrossed with the fruit in front of her as her mind reveled in the sense of him being so near.

"Here, taste it." The vendor spoke offering her a slice of apple.

Deanna was abruptly pulled back to the land where she stood. Blindly she took a slice and began to eat it.

"It's perfect," Deanna told him as she swallowed.

"I don't have many more with me. I will have more tomorrow."

Deanna nodded and thanked him and meandered to the next booth, never completely taking her mind off her sense of Will.

...

Will watched as she ate. She looked mesmerizing as she tucked her hair behind her ear. All he could do was soak up the sight of her. He wondered if she could sense his presence. He would have thought that she would have. But if she did, she made no effort to show it. She did not turn to look at him, or acknowledge him in any way. Did that mean that she did not want him here? His eyes continued to follow her as she strolled to the next few booths. Minute after minute slipped by as he watched, unable or unwilling to approach her.

"William Thomas Riker, well, look what the cat dragged in!" Someone called to his left.

Will tore his eyes away from every curve of Deanna's form and turned to find Miss Rosemary walking through the crowd toward him.

"Miss Rosemary," he called gently hugging the elderly woman as she stood next to him.

"It is so good to see you."

"It's been a long time," Rosemary told him.

"Yes it has."

"Too long," Miss Rosemary chided him. "Oh, I have enjoyed having Deanna here. She is lovely, William. You chose well."

Will looked down at his hands as Miss Rosemary spoke. Then he nodded slowly.

"She's anxious to see you," Miss Rosemary told him.

Will looked up, surprised. "Are you sure?" Will asked.

Miss Rosemary nodded with a wink. "I'm pretty sure about these things," she told him. "I trust I'll see the two of you soon. Whenever you get hungry enough or come up for air," Miss Rosemary told him mischievously as she turned to walk away.

Will raised his eyebrows at the woman as she walked away. She never seemed to stop surprising him.

He was ready. He couldn't put it off any longer. But when he looked back to where Deanna had stood, she was gone. Will scanned the crowd but didn't find her. Slowly he began to wander through the green watching for her, looking up side streets as he went, but she was nowhere to be found. His heart sank as he watched the swarm of people around him, but the one person he wanted to see, to talk to most in the universe was gone.

...

Deanna came into the house and put her bag of apples and other goodies in the kitchen. She fidgeted and paced. She had waited as long as she could bare, but still he had kept his distance. Well, this time she would make it easier for him. Deanna strode back out the front door and planted herself in the closer of the two large chairs that sat on the porch. She tucked her legs to her side and waited, watching the road. He would come, and when he did she would leave him nowhere to hide. She waited and watched, and watched and waited. She took slow even breaths trying to keep herself calm.

...

Will stepped away from the green and the crowd that was there. He sat on a fallen log looking out onto the bay. With a sigh he opened his bag and removed one of the PADDs that he had with him. He read again through the divorce documents that he had received. He shook his head as he studied Deanna's signature scrawled at the bottom of each document. His frustration was beginning to overwhelm him. He began to tap the PADD on his knee. This was not about what Deanna wanted right at this moment. He had faltered for a moment when he first arrived, but he needed to talk to her, whether she wanted to hear it or not. Before he could hesitate again he headed through the crowd and up the hill toward his childhood home. If she wasn't there, he would wait for her until she came back. But as the front of the house came into view he saw that he would not have to wait.

Deanna held his gaze level with her eyes as he walked to the enterance of the path leading to the front door. Only then did he break his stride and pause slightly. Deanna didn't move, didn't rise. She waited. With one more deep breath Will walked up the path and stopped with one foot on the bottom stair. The two of them stared at one another for a moment as time dragged out between them.

"Hi," Will finally broke through the defining sound of silence.

"Hi," Deanna responded. "You're here."

Will nodded. "I got in this morning," Will told her.

"I know," Deanna told him. "You managed to come all the way up the path. It's far more your style than stalking from the tree line."

Will sighed heavily, and looked down at his feet. It was good to know that his wife's empathic sense was fully alert. "How are you?" he asked.

Deanna nodded. "I'm fine. How are you?"

"I'm…" Will sighed. "I'm a bit nervous," he told her honestly.

She smiled and laughed silently. Her hair fell around her face as she chuckled. It almost took his breath away. Will began to rock nervously on his feet. Slowly Deanna stood up and turned as if she were going to walk into the house. Will took a step to follow her and then stopped.

"May I come in?" Will asked.

Deanna turned back to him. "It is your home, Will. I didn't think you needed an invitation to walk into it."

"Our home, Deanna. It's our home. Yours and mine," he told her. "I haven't signed these things," he said waving the PADD still in his hand. "So we're still married, right? You're still my wife?"

Deanna took a deep breath and a bit of a smile played at the edge of her lips as she nodded. "Yes, I am your wife."

Will let out a short sigh and a small smile as he looked down and then back up at his wife again. "Then may I come in?"

Deanna looked into the house and then back at her husband. Without a word, she nodded and opened the door all the way and walked in to the front room.

"I see my father redecorated," Will told her as he leaned against the back of the leather sofa.

Deanna continued further into the room and stood with her back to the wall near the door to the kitchen.

"It's very…" Will struggled for the right word. "Textural?"

"I kind of like it," Deanna told him.

"You do?"

"It grew on me," she told him. "I like the rug a lot."

Will looked over the couch at the area rug on the floor full of deep reds and browns. He nodded. "That's very…not my father, but nice." Will shifted around for a bit. "So you found everything? Had everything you needed?"

Deanna nodded.

"Where have you been staying?" he asked.

Deanna looked over her head at the ceiling and pointed to the south-facing bedroom above her. "That room."

"That is the smallest room."

"It's just me. And it's comfortable," she told him with a shrug.

Will nodded in return. "Good."

This conversation was almost painfully awkward, and yet neither one knew how to break out of it. Deanna doubted that Will had come all this way to ask where she had been sleeping. And she didn't know where else to start. She looked over him. He looked… something. Tired, maybe. His hair was a little untidy from the wind, but his eyes shined, echoing the color of his blue shirt and grey pants.

"Want to see it up there?" she offered, pointing at the stairs.

"Sure."

Will followed Deanna up the stairs and looked around the upstairs rooms. Deanna's room was spotless with only the slightest sign that someone had been living in it. With mixed emotions he looked into the room that had always been his fathers. It was a bit sparse and seemed somehow colder than the rest of the house.

"This room has the best view, I think," Deanna told him from the door of her bedroom.

"It used to be the nursery when I was a baby," Will told her.

Deanna looked surprised. "I guess I thought the room downstairs was yours."

"It was, since I was about five or six. I don't ever remember sleeping in this room." Will made his way back to the staircase and Deanna followed. He walked through the front room where he had left his bag, and into the kitchen. "Hey, he changed it in here too. I like this."

Deanna smiled as she entered the room behind him. "I knew you would." Will began to look through the cupboards and pantries. "What did it look like before?" Deanna asked him.

"Well that," he pointed to the island counter, "was over there and there weren't so many cabinets. That window wasn't there. It makes a lot more sense like this," he admitted. Deanna watched as Will walked slowly into his old room. After a few moments he emerged again and looked idly at the desk where the communications system was.

"So you knew I was coming? Or did you just sense that I was here?"

"Jenny wrote me and told me you were on your way," Deanna told him. "What are you doing here Will? How is it that the Titan was coming to Earth?"

They stood across the kitchen from one another, both afraid, only stealing glances at the other.

"The Titan came to pick up our new chief engineer," Will choked out. "He's serving aboard the Enterprise now. Plus we are getting four new warp converters."

The sentence died and silence filled the room. It was almost a minute until Will spoke again. "Mac transferred," he told her.

"You transferred her," Deanna corrected. "To Utopia Plenitia, and gave her a nice promotion to go with it. I might have been in Alaska, but I am not completely out of the loop." There was an edge to her voice and Will involuntarily took a step back from her and lowered his head, rubbing his forehead.

Slowly he nodded. "I guess that is all true. I did what I thought was best, for everyone. And I guess I'll have to learn to live with the consequences."

"Geordi says that her warp designs are first rate. He thinks she'll do well there," she said, the harsh edge to her voice gone.

So that's what Geordi had come down here to talk to her about. Will should have suspected as much. "Geordi recommended her," Will told his wife.

"I know. I read his recommendation. I also read yours."

"You did?"

"Yes." Deanna pointed to the PADD that sat on the edge of the desk to Will's left. "It's right there if you'd like to see it yourself."

"Where did you get this?" Will asked, picking up the PADD and scanning through its contents.

"Geordi gave it to me. He thought it might help me see things for myself."

"And?" Will asked, daring to be slightly hopeful.

Deanna only stared back at him. "Are you sad that she's gone?" She asked him.

Will paused, trying to consider the question. "No," he answered.

Deanna raised her eyebrows as if to question his honesty, but she could feel that he was actually relieved.

"The only member of my crew I regret leaving is you," Will told her.

Deanna looked away, shaking her head slightly.

"I don't know what else to do, Deanna. I'm here. I want to talk. And not about household furnishings," he added gesturing around the room.

Deanna stepped over to the window and looked out at the forest. "How long will you be here?" she asked.

"I'm here as long as I need to be. As long as you'll let me be. I'm here till we've worked it out."

"Is there something left to work out?" Deanna asked.

"I hope so," was all he could say.

Deanna slowly walked to the back door and onto the back porch. Will followed her, waiting for the rest of the conversation they had been having, but Deanna seemed to think it was done. She sat down on the swing and began to rock the swing gently back and forth, tucking her legs under her.

"My dad made this swing when my mother was pregnant with me," Will told her, as if she had never heard the stories before.

"I know," she replied.

Tentatively, Will joined her on the swing, leaving as much space between them as he could. It was against his instinct to sit so far from her. It felt forced and unnatural. "This was my favorite thing about the whole house," Will told her.

"Mine too," Deanna said in almost a whisper.

They sat in silence for the better part of an hour with only the small squeak of the swings joints interrupting the silence. Neither made another attempt to start a conversation. They were content to adjust to the sheer proximity of one another. Deanna closed her eyes occasionally and listened to the sound of the birds in the trees. You could hear the unusual bustle of people from the town green on the hill below. But mostly she concentrated on feeling Will. His emotions were as jumbled as her own; pain, fear, and guilt. He didn't know what she expected of him, and she felt the same way about him. The realization made a smile come to her face. She looked over at Will. He too was looking off into the woods, listening to the sounds that were around them. Slowly, as if he felt her eyes on him, he turned to look at her. He smiled as well.

"I really missed you, Dea. Thank you for letting me be here."

Deanna felt such overpowering feelings of love coming from him that she had to look away to keep from loosing her composure. With a deep breath she stood up, straightened her skirt and took a step towards the door of the house.

"I was going to get something to drink, maybe an apple from the festival. Do you want anything?" she asked him casually.

Will was a bit taken aback by her reaction, but he tried to be patient. _Small steps,_ he told himself. At least they were in the same place. "I'm fine," Will told her and Deanna turned and walked into the house leaving him alone on the porch. So many memories were here in this house, and he worried for the first time about sharing them all with Deanna.

Somewhere out in the trees was a trunk with ridiculous carved letters WR + SL with a heart around it. _What possesses fifteen year olds to do such stupid things_, he asked himself. His first kiss was on this porch, as were a few other firsts in his life. Maybe Deanna didn't need all the details. Will rocked on the swing, cataloging memories for a while longer, before he stood up and followed where Deanna had gone.

When he opened the door, Deanna sat on a stool by the island, munching on fruit and drinking some juice. She had taken off her boots and leggings and was sitting with her now bare legs crossed as she sat. Will noticed again how short her skirt was when there was nothing under it. He tried not to appear as if he were enjoying the view of her too much, knowing that it would likely upset her.

"Lunch?" he asked.

Deanna shrugged. "Have you ever had this kind of apple? It's perfect. It's tart and sweet and crisp. And it smells like an apple. Here, smell," she offered one to him.

Will held the apple a bit awkwardly. "I've had them before Dea."

Deanna shook her head. "Right," she reached out to take if from him, but he pulled it away and bit into it, sitting on the stool next to her.

"Mmm. It's really good." He said.

Deanna nodded.

"How long has it been since I have had a fresh apple?"

"When was the last time you were here?" Deanna asked him.

Will thought back. "I spent a month or so here after the Enterprise D crashed and before the E was commissioned. I came for a few days after the last incident with the Borg. I guess that was it."

"It's been a while."

Will nodded and took another bite.

"Maybe that explains that hideous map you made me."

Will coughed and sputtered a bit. "I'm sorry."

"Maybe you were trying to get me lost."

"No, I swear I wasn't. I just was doing it from memory and quickly, and…"

Deanna smiled at him. "It's fine. Apparently there is a good reason you are not in stellar cartography."

Will nodded in agreement. "I _can_ follow maps," he defended. Deanna shook her head. "I apparently just can't make them. Was it really that bad?" he asked.

Deanna hopped off her stool and walked to the table where she retrieved the PADD he had sent with her and held it out for him. Will looked at it, tipped it side to side, as if he couldn't make out which end was up and then sighed and deleted the file. "Sorry about that," he said. Will walked back to the desk and placed the PADD back where she had it. His eyes again looked over the old files and papers that were left, he assumed by his father. "I guess I ought to go through this," he offered.

"Oh," Deanna walked back to the desk. "I almost forgot about it." She reached up and retrieved the envelope with Will's name scrawled across it in his father's handwriting. "You might want to start with this," she said offering it to him.

Will looked over the envelope. "Where was this?" he asked.

"Here on the desk when I first got here."

"Did you read it?" Will asked her.

"No." Deanna responded as if she was being accused of something.

"You could have. I don't care," Will corrected his tone.

"It has your name on it, Will. He left it for you." Deanna crossed the room to stand near where Will stood. She placed her hand on his upper arm. It was the first time they had touched and the electricity of it shot through the both of them as if it were a tangible thing. She knew that Will's relationship with his father had never been easy. She wanted somehow to comfort him, as he read whatever it was his father had left for him. "You should read it," she told him. "It's waited for you for over a year. Go read it," she urged.

Will took one step away from her towards the door to return to the swing on the back porch, but then stopped and looked back at Deanna. "It's okay, Will. Go read it. I'll be right here when you're done." Deanna watched him as he hesitated. "Go on," she smiled at him.

Will returned to the seat on the swing and opened the envelope. It contained a single sheet of paper, with slightly shaky handwriting on it.

_Well my son,_

_In this last act I am sure that I have given you something to hold against me for years to come. I know you will be angry that I did not tell you that I was ill. My only explanation is this. I am dying. I will require a great deal of medical attention over the coming weeks and months. I will not ask you or even make you feel obligated to care for me the way that I never cared for you. I made my choices in life, and here I am. This is the way I deserve it to be. _

_I trust that you will have medical questions, and that you will direct those to a medical professional. _

_Now I realize that I have not earned the right to leave with you these life lessons, but I will do it anyway and leave it to you to do with them what you will. _

_I am proud of you, Son. I have not said it or acted like it enough in your life. You are intelligent and strong and good hearted. _

_You have chosen a good woman to share your life with and I hope you will be very happy. She reminds me of your mother in so many ways. Treat her better than I did your mother. Tell her every day that you love her. Life is not infinite. Don't take a moment of your time with Deanna for granted. Make her happy. Have children. You will be a good father. You are not me. You have a large heart. You are more patient than I am. Even if you had to be a parent alone, you would do it better than I did. Go and be happy. Be faithful and steady. Your family will need you. _

_I did the best I could, Son, whether you believe it or not. I was not a good father. I was a mediocre husband. I lived for my job, but it did not make me happy. I looked in all sorts of places for happiness, except where I was most likely to find it, with you. Never look for happiness outside your family. You will not find it. _

_Just one more thing, Son. Keep the house. Even if you don't want it now, there will come a time when you will need sanctuary, a shelter from the storm, and there will be no better place than tucked in these hills. This town will shut out those who are unwelcome. They will defend you, even if you have not set foot here in years. It is who they are. They will welcome you. Come home when you need to. This will always be home. _

_I love you, Son. Be a good man. Always,_

_Your father, _

_Kyle Andrew Riker _

Will's hands began to tremble as he read his father's letter. He didn't know how to process all the emotions that were running through his head. He feared he was not the man his father thought he was, that he had done the exact thing that his father had warned him not to do. He felt the tears in his eyes and the lump in his throat. He would not be a father, good or bad. And his happiness teetered in the balance. He had not had the opportunity to say good-bye as his father had. He did not get to tell him that he knew he had done his best and that it was good enough. And he had not been there to care for him while he hospiced in this house and died in the hospital across the bay. Will wished he would have had his father's letter earlier. Would it have changed anything?

He took his time going back in the house. He didn't want to carry this load of emotions with him. He tried to sort it out in his own head before folding his father's letter and tucking the envelope into his pants pocket and heading back inside. It was late in the afternoon now. The Sun was starting to pull towards the water and the wind was picking up.

The door closed behind him and he could see that Deanna had fixed something to eat while Will had been on the porch, but she was not in the room. He walked on into the living room and found her curled up in the chair near the now roaring fire, picking at a sandwich that sat on a plate on her knee. Another sandwich sat on the table in front of the couch and Deanna was writing in a binder against the arm of the chair. When she heard his footsteps she looked up.

"Hi," he said.

"Are you okay?" she asked.

Will only shrugged. "I guess."

"What did it say?" Deanna asked carefully.

Will looked away from Deanna and instead took in the room. "It said to take care of you," Will told her. "And to keep the house."

"Did he say anything about why he didn't tell you he was ill?" Deanna asked. She tried to be cautious about asking for too much information.

Will nodded in response, but did not speak.

"I made you a sandwich," Deanna pointed to the other sandwich on the table.

"Thanks," he said taking a seat. They ate together mostly, again, in silence. Deanna glanced occasionally towards the door where Will's bag still sat. The PADD that he had been holding, gesturing that it contained the divorce papers, sat on an end table just inside the door next to a lamp. The day was beginning to slip away and yet not much had been said between them.

As if he had sensed her thoughts, Will pushed his plate away and turned to face his wife. "Deanna, we need to talk about…"

"Here, let me get that," Deanna stood up and took Will's plate with her own and began to walk toward the kitchen.

"Deanna," Will called after her, but she didn't stop. He stood and followed her.

Deanna placed the plates in the sink and began clearing the remnants off the kitchen counter. Will walked slowly toward her, purposefully boxing her into the corner.

She tried to brush past him, but Will reached out and held Deanna's wrist where it was placed on the counter.

"Deanna, we need to talk about this." He spoke softly as he stood close to her.

"I just want to…" Deanna began to pull away from him, but he held firm to her wrist and placed his other hand on her shoulder. Her voice was full of emotion, but she fought against it.

"Stop. Stop," Will whispered to her. "Please don't run away from me."

"Will…"

"I can't sit here and ignore the elephant in the room, Deanna. There is a PADD in the other room with divorce papers on it, divorce papers you signed. Tell me, is that what you want?" Deanna pulled harder away from Will, but he would not let her go. "Tell me what you want." His voice was no more than a whisper. They stood together in silence, Deanna breathing hard and trying still to pull away from him.

"No…I don't know." The sheer nearness of him was confusing and flustering her. She spun away from him and scurried into the front room away from him. Will was not far behind.

"You filed for divorce, Deanna. Why?" he asked striding in behind her, but giving her a little space.

"I panicked. I was hurt and scared. Admiral Brand told me that you wanted all this for Linsy McKenna… I thought you had made your choice and I needed to do something. I was so sick of reacting. I wanted to act."

"I wasn't still seeing her, Deanna. I didn't have any contact with her other than in the course of my job from the minute I came to you. I told you then, and I will keep saying it until you believe me. I know I made a huge mistake, but I made my choice. I chose you."

Deanna paced back and forth in front of the fire. "I… I don't know."

"What don't you know, Deanna? Tell me, what do you want to know from me, and I will tell you. I don't want to keep anything from you. I want to tell you anything you want to know." Will was approaching her slowly.

"Did you love her?" Deanna asked him.

The question stopped Will dead in his tracks. The two of them stared at each other, each with hurt in their eyes. "I cared about her," he admitted.

"But did you love her?"

Will took every guard from his mind away and let Deanna sense everything that she wanted to. He knew it was the only thing that she would believe.

"I don't know. I could have loved her."

Deanna could see how painful it was for him to be this honest with her, and though she had wanted to know, the answer hurt her just as badly. "Then what stopped you?" she asked.

"You." Will told her. "You stopped me, Deanna. No matter what you were going through, I know the real you. And I love that woman. I love you."

"Is that it?" Deanna asked. "Is it because of me? Is it my fault?" Deanna asked, tears in her eyes.

"That isn't what I meant."

"I was out of control."

"You were scared," Will told her. "Why didn't you tell me how scared you were? I was scared too. I was so scared of loosing you."

"When did you stop wanting to have a baby?" Deanna asked him.

"When I saw what it was doing to you. When I saw you loose your ability to live your life. I hated that we were putting you though it."

"You could have said stop."

"I know. But I didn't want to hurt you. I should have stopped it."

Deanna sighed looking down.

"I know I did hurt you, Deanna. I was an idiot."

"How do I know?" Deanna asked, looking small and confused. "How do I know that it would never happen again?"

Will stood so close he could reach out and hold her, but he tried to hold back. There was so much hurt between them. "I can only give you my word," he told her. "I know that doesn't mean much." Will reached out as Deanna paced past him, and he tugged lightly on her elbow. "I'll do whatever you want me to do to prove it to you Deanna. We were in this perfect storm of disaster." Deanna stopped and looked into her husband's eyes. "It doesn't make what I did right. It doesn't excuse it. I'm not asking for blind trust. I am only asking for a chance." Will stepped closer to her and brushed her hair with his hands.

She was not pulling away from him any more; in fact as Will put his arms around her, she stepped into his embrace, her hands against his chest. Slowly she rested her head against him. He pulled her as close as he could reveling in the feel of her in his arms. He put his cheek against her hair and listened as she tried to calm her rapid breathing.

"I love you, Deanna. I want to fix this. I want us back," he whispered against her hair. "Tell me what you want."

Slowly Deanna raised her head and looked into Will's eyes. Without giving it too much thought, Will gently kissed her, running his hands to her neck and pulling her even closer to him.

Deanna relaxed into his touch and the feel of him as he deepened their kiss, enticing her with every move of his lips, his tongue. Deanna felt their minds begin to melt together, his emotions open to her. But as she began to let go, something pulled her back. Perhaps it was the thought that the last woman he kissed like this was not her. Perhaps it was the memory of the last time they had made love, the way he had closed his mind to her so completely, hiding himself from her. Whatever it was, as quickly as Deanna had relaxed into his touch, she pulled away, tears springing to her eyes as she walked away from him, back into the kitchen.

She fretted and rearranged things, gulping air into her lungs, fighting the tears that were attempting to escape her eyes. She expected Will to be right behind her, but he hung back.

"I'm sorry," he told her from the doorway, watching her fuss around the kitchen.

Deanna stopped what she was doing and hung her head. "Don't."

"I shouldn't have…"

"No, Will. Don't be sorry. I can't… I just…" Tears streamed down Deanna's face.

Will stepped behind her and pulled her back against his body as she started to cry. "Tell me."

"You kept it from me. You closed your mind to me. I can't do what you did with her. It makes me want to scream."

Will shook his head against her hair. "I didn't sleep with her Deanna," he told her as he turned her around to look at him. "Do you want to know what happened? Do you want to know how I felt? What it was like? I don't want to hurt you. Tell me what you want to know. Look at me. I'm not hiding anything now."

Deanna looked up at Will as he gently wiped at her tears.

"Deanna," he whispered to her, whipping her tears away. He could feel her brushing his mind, and he made no effort to stop her. He only gently kissed her forehead, and her hair, holding her close to him as she continued to cry.

"I'm sorry," he told her. "I'm so sorry."

Deanna shook her head against him. He wasn't holding anything from her, but sensing it all from him was like ripping her heart out and stomping on it. She wasn't strong enough to do this, she feared. She couldn't leap. But as she looked into Will's eyes, she saw something more than hurt and betrayal. She felt his love for her, his guilt, and his hope.

Deanna took a breath and trying to focus only on the love she felt from him, she kissed him again. The more Deanna pressed against his lips, the more he hesitated and then pulled away.

"Deanna, this isn't…"

"Will, please," she said fighting against the tears still filling her eyes. "Please," she repeated.

Will kissed her again, letting her control the pace and tone. "I love you, Deanna," he told her running his hands through her hair and over her shoulders, kissing her again.

Deanna slipped her arms around Will's neck and ran her fingers through his hair as his tongue pressed against her lips. Deanna allowed him to move the kiss deeper. His hands continued to run through her hair and down her back to her waist. She felt so amazing against him. Will kissed against her neck and took in the sent of her as well. He could feel himself starting to loose control, but he repeated to himself that she could pull away at any moment.

"Say it again," Deanna whispered into his ear.

In one motion Will picked up Deanna up from the waist and sat her on the counter. "I love you, Deanna," he told her. "I love you." And he meant it. He wanted nothing more than to show her how much he truly loved her.

Deanna leaned toward him, her hand on his cheek, and pressed her lips to his. The kiss was fierce, almost desperate to show her emotions. Slowly, as their tongues tangled together, Deanna's hands ran down Will's back to his waist and she began to pull his shirt up and over his head.

"Deanna," Will pulled away from her slightly. "This isn't… you don't…"

"Shhh," Deanna told him tugging his shirt over his head. She kissed him again, more gently but firmly. Her hands ran down his chest and along his bare shoulders.

Will still held her firmly around the waist. He pushed on her hips and pulled back to look into her eyes. "Deanna, are you sure?"

Deanna pulled him back to her and kissed his cheek and up to his earlobe. "No more talking," she whispered to him. "Just feeling." She continued to kiss and nibble at his ear.

He had held back as long as he could and with those words, he let himself relax and explore this amazing woman in front of him. His hands left her waist and ran up the sides of each of her thighs, underneath her skirt and over the mostly bare skin of her bottom. As their mouths met again, they moaned together. It was a release of emotion. They fought together to replace the sadness in each of their hearts with something else, with hope, the fear with love.

Will pulled Deanna off the counter and into his arms. He carried her into his bedroom off the kitchen and he began to remove their remaining clothing. Their minds and emotions were completely open to each other. Deanna let herself feel all of what Will felt and he for her. It was every mix of emotions that either of them had ever felt as their bodies came together and bound them as one.

Both of them lay curled in each other's arms, panting as they tried to regain their ability to speak.

"I do love you," Deanna said and her lips kissed his chest.

"I missed you, Dea." Will told her.

Deanna pushed up on one elbow and leaned up to kiss his lips. "I missed you, Imzadi."

Will kissed her again, wiping a small tear from her eye, and rolled on top of her caressing her body. They made love to each other again and again as the night fell around them. Where at first it had been a pure show of love and emotion, each time changed to show their passion and excitement that they felt for each other.

Will watched the stars glittering in the sky as Deanna lay next to him on her stomach. They were both completely exhausted. Too exhausted to move. Will caressed his wife's back as his mind wandered. He thought of how the last time they had made love before Deanna left the Titan, she had cried herself to sleep. He had pushed her away mentally, trying to protect her. Tonight he had let her see of feel whatever she had desired. He hoped that it had helped repair the hurt instead of making it worse.

He looked around the room. It had not changed too much from his teen-age years, except that it was more bare of decorations and it was probably cleaner. It was not the first time he had had sex in this room. Immediately he tried to shield that memory from Deanna, but she only laughed, her face still mostly in the pillow.

"I already know you had sex with Sarah Lewis, Will," she told him. "It was twenty years ago. You don't actually think that would bother me do you?"

Will sighed. "Well you don't have to know everything about it," he said awkwardly.

"It was just the last time you had sex in this room?" she guessed.

Will rolled onto his side. "Alright, enough sharing," he said continuing to rub her back. Deanna settled in to the pillow and sighed deeply as she began to drift off to sleep. "I love you, Imzadi," Will told her as her breathing became slower and more even. Slowly he fell asleep too, his arm around her, and for the first time in months Will slept soundly, no more hiding, no more guilt, no more sadness. He had Deanna in his arms. Everything was going to be alright.


	18. Chapter 18

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek TNG or any of it's original characters.

Will woke to the sounds of birds outside the window. He was laying face down on the bed. He had slept so hard; he almost didn't remember where he was. Slowly he stretched his arm out expecting it to come in contact with Deanna's soft warm skin. But there was nothing but emptiness. For a moment the thought flashed through his mind that his memories of the night before were some sort of fantasy, but he knew that was wrong. He had had the most amazing night of his life. It had happened. But where was the woman he had shared it with?

Will pulled himself up from the bed and looked around the room. His sense of contentment vanished and he felt the panic start to rise up inside him. He got up, pulled on some pants and stepped out of the bedroom into the kitchen. It was also empty. He walked very quickly into the front room, and then up the stairs. It was still very early. He didn't know where else she would be but in this house. Both the upstairs rooms were empty as well. His adrenaline was pumping wildly by the time he made it back to the kitchen and noticed that the back door stood slightly open. He had walked right past it.

Slowly, quietly, he opened the door and stepped out onto the porch. Deanna sat on the swing, wrapped tightly in an old quilt that had been lying over a chest at the foot of his bed. The swing rocked steadily back and forth. Her eyes were closed, her breathing deep and even.

"Deanna," he began cautiously.

Her eyes opened, but did not look at him. She looked straight ahead into the woods, and her breathing remained even.

Will took several more steps towards her. "Deanna," he said again, reaching out to touch her shoulder.

Deanna turned and shrank away from his touch. He felt his stomach tie in a knot. He knew what she was going to say before she spoke and he started shaking his head no, before the first word escaped her lips.

"Will, I'm sorry. We shouldn't have…"

"Don't, Deanna. Don't say it."

"It was a…"

"No, it wasn't a mistake, Deanna. I don't believe that."

But Deanna was nodding vigorously. "It was. It was for me." Deanna stopped rocking on the swing and for the first time looked at her husband. "I'm sorry, Will. I can't just close my eyes and pretend it didn't happen. I tried. I did. But it won't work for me. I know what happened now and I can't make the pictures go away. I can't pretend it didn't happen."

Will stood stunned, looking at her. "I never asked you to pretend it didn't happen. I know it happened. I don't expect you to just forget." Will shrugged his shoulders. He didn't know how to feel, what to say. Part of him wanted to be angry with her. Part of him was hurt. And a small part admitted that he was worried last night that she might feel this way.

Will shook his head, leaning back on the top railing of the porch. "I'm sorry, Deanna. I didn't intend to pressure you…"

"No, Will. It wasn't you. It was me. I wanted to leap. I was supposed to be strong enough to leap," she told him. "Other people can leap. Maybe I'm too scared; maybe I'm too timid. But I tried to leap, and I fell flat on my face. I want to leap. I tired to leap. I should be able to leap!" Deanna was rambling. She was leaning forward and pounding her hands into her thighs. "Maybe it was too big of a leap, maybe I did it wrong. I don't know, I don't know."

"Deanna," Will was becoming truly concerned as she continued to ramble.

"You take leaps. I have taken leaps. I should know how to do this…"

"Deanna," Will interrupted her, reaching out and taking her hand. She only looked up at him puzzled. "Sweetie, I have no idea what you are talking about."

"I…" Deanna pulled her hand away. "I need to get dressed," she told him standing up. Will stood to follow her, but she turned back to him. "I just need a bit," she left the statement unfinished. Was it time that she needed or space? Will just stood puzzled, watching her walk away from him, again.

Deanna closed the bedroom door behind her and locked it and then walked into the bathroom and locked that door as well. It's not that she thought Will wouldn't give her space, it was just her way of making herself feel more secure. She stepped into the shower feeling confused and overwhelmed. She had tried so hard to the night before to take the leap like her mother described. She had closed her eyes and taken a deep breath and it had been fine, it had even been wonderful. But the feeling of euphoria had worn away by the very early morning and it left Deanna with the distinct impression that she was going to be physically ill.

She couldn't shake the images from her mind of Will with Mac; she couldn't stop feeling the betrayal of it. All she had wanted was to feel how she used to feel with Will, when she was safe and loved. She had wanted to get back to that place. Maybe that had been where she went wrong. Maybe there was no going back to that place. Instead she began to think of a way to go forward, to a new place. Could she feel safe and loved again? It made more sense, by the time she was getting dressed. She wasn't sure that there was a place in she and Will's future where she felt safe and loved, but she knew now that there was no going back. If there was that place, it had to be in their future. And she could only get there by going forward.

Deanna walked down the stairs and found Will sitting on the couch. He stood up when he saw her. He had also taken a shower and was dressed. Deanna suddenly noticed that his travel case was sitting on the coffee table, and it looked packed, his jacket draped over it.

Deanna stared at him. She pointed to the travel case. "Are you leaving?" she asked quietly.

Will sighed. He was so confused. "I thought that's what you were trying to tell me you wanted."

"Oh, Will," Deanna sighed. She walked to the couch and sank down onto it, reaching for his hand and pulling him down with her. "I'm sorry. I know I didn't make any sense. I was…" Deanna shook her head.

"I don't want to hurt you, Deanna," he told her.

"I know," Deanna told him somberly.

"Just tell me what to do, Deanna. If you want me to walk away, I will. I would rather leave right now than hurt you for another minute."

"I don't want you to leave, Will. I just need to slow things down a bit. I tried to do it too fast last night. I just need to go forward instead of trying to go back."

Will buried his head in his hands and took a long deep breath before looking back at Deanna. "I don't know what to say about last night, Dea. I'm not sorry about anything that happened, except that you regret it."

"It's not that I regret it. It was amazing. It's just that it won't fix it or wipe everything else away." Deanna reached out and took Will's hand back and held it in her own. She knew how badly she had hurt him over the last year, every time she pushed him away, or shrank away from his touch. She didn't want to hurt him anymore either. "For two people who don't want to hurt each other…" Deanna began.

"I know. We seem to excel at it."

"Can we just slow this down? Take it in smaller steps? See if there is a way to go forward?" she asked.

"And if there's not?" Will asked.

"Please stay," Deanna tried again. "I want you to stay and try with me."

"Just slower?" Will asked her. Deanna nodded, and so did Will. "Okay. I can do that. I'll take the ferry over to Valdez and stay in an inn there."

"No, Will," Deanna sighed. "This is your home. I won't tell you to leave."

"I don't want to put pressure on you to do this faster than you are ready, Deanna. I'll go."

Deanna looked around and took a deep breath. "Let's stay, both of us."

Will shook his head slightly and looked at her skeptically.

"There are three bedrooms and two of us," Deanna told him. "Stay here, with me."

"Are you sure?" Will asked. "And are you going to be sure tomorrow morning?"

Deanna tried to chuckle as she nodded. "I'll be up there," she told him gesturing to the room where she had been staying.

"And I'll be in there," Will pointed to the room where they had slept together the night before. They both nodded in agreement. "So what now?" he asked.

Deanna shrugged. "I was thinking I would eat something and then I was thinking about heading back to the festival."

"Really?" Will asked surprised that Deanna would enjoy a small town Alaska harvest festival. He could more easily picture her in an art museum in San Francisco.

"I want some more of those apples. And at nine, that lady in the last booth was going to make fudge. I want to watch. And then I want to eat it." Deanna watched Will carefully. "Would you care to join me?" she asked.

Slowly Will nodded. If this was Deanna's pace, he would take it. "I would love to."

"Good," Deanna told him. Will stood up and picked up his bag to carry it into his room, leaving his jacket on the table. "This is good," she said mostly to herself as Will was almost out of the room.

Deanna slowly followed Will into the kitchen. He was emerging from his room. "So what should we have for breakfast?" Deanna asked.

"I'll get it," Will answered. He retrieved himself a cup of coffee from the replicator and a cup of hot chocolate for Deanna. Then he began scrambling some eggs and making toast. When the food was ready, the two of them sat together at the table and ate. It was not as awkward as it had been the day before, but the conversation didn't flow naturally either.

"If you want to watch fudge being made, we had better get going." Will told her.

Deanna nodded and took the last swig of her drink. "Let me get my coat."

Will met her on the front porch. "You ready?"

Deanna nodded and the two began to walk into town. Cautiously Will put his hand on her back to direct her around the corner. When she smiled up at him lightly he let his hand remain there as they walked through the town. The green was already filling up with people and vendors.

After several minutes it became clear to Deanna that watching fudge be made involved a lot of doing nothing. She began to walk away somehow disappointed. She decided eating it was definitely the highlight. Will patted her on the shoulder in condolence.

"Come on," Will told her. He was guiding her away from the fudge booth.

"Where?" she asked him

"Your apple man just arrived." Will pointed across the green where the same man she had spoken to the day before was unloading crates of apples onto his table. Will watched Deanna's eyes light up. "Should I be concerned about retaliatory behavior with the apple man?" he asked.

Deanna took a good look at the vendor and wrinkled her nose. "Not that retaliatory behavior is beneath me, but he's not really my type."

Will stepped up close to her. "Am I your type?" he asked craftily.

Deanna looked up at Will with a scrutinizing face. "We'll see." Deanna told him dryly.

"Ouch."

"You know what they say, hell hath no furry," Deanna began, then turned and began to weave through the growing crowd toward the apples that she had enjoyed the day before.

Will was weaving through the crowd behind her, until someone stopped him and shook his hand. "Hello," Will greeted the man and his wife. He remembered them from his childhood, but he did not want to disappear from Deanna. He looked over the couple in front of him. Before he could call out to her, Deanna turned around and looked back at him. She smiled patiently as Will spoke to each of the Turner natives and then he continued towards her.

"Sorry," he told her as they began to walk together again. But before they reached the table, a man about Will's age approached him and patted him on the back like they were old friends. Will introduced his old high school friend to Deanna and she again smiled politely. Before he could even tell him farewell an older gentleman stepped up to speak to Will. Will smiled at the man, but looked at Deanna and let out a small sigh. He noticed how her eyes kept drifting over to the table with the apples.

"Sorry," he whispered to her as the man went on about Federation policies and Star Fleet's place in a free society.

Deanna could already see a few more people gathering to talk to the towns long lost, and for the moment, favorite son. "Your fan club," Deanna responded quietly.

Will shook his head ever so slightly. "Go ahead. I'll catch up with you."

Deanna raised her eyebrows and nodded as if to verify, and Will nodded again.

She strolled off on her own towards her apples. She walked away a few minutes later with a bag full in her hand. She looked back at where Will was caught in the crowd reminiscing with people he had not seen in years. She could sense his discomfort with the fuss that some of them were making. But most of them were content to tell him hello and to catch up on his life. Still Deanna hung back. It was awkward to have Will introduce her. What was he to say? _This is my wife Deanna, who has filed for divorce. _Deanna sighed.

What was she doing? Could she move past the hurt inside her? And yet, she found that she still enjoyed his company. He could still make her laugh, if she would let herself. Did she love him? Yes. She didn't know how not to. And sometimes she hated that. She hated this bond between them that had forged itself so long ago. She had ignored it once, but she didn't know that she could do it again.

Deanna stepped out of the crowd and stood overlooking the bay. She had stood in this spot when she had first arrived. It had been drizzling. But today, it was light and crisp. It was beginning to change from late summer to early fall. She had come here for space, to figure out what she wanted with her life. She didn't know that she had found any answers. She just wanted to find a way to be happy. She and Will had been happy. She had chosen him so many years ago. It was not something that happened to her. She chose. She had chosen to love him, and she still did.

"Hey," Will said coming up behind her. "Are you okay?"

Deanna closed her eyes and took a deep breath before turning to face him and smiling. "I'm fine," she told him. "Where did your admirers go?"

Will rolled his eyes and ignored her question. "You got your apples?" he asked.

Deanna lifted the bag for him to see.

"What on Earth are you going to do with all those?" he asked.

"Miss Rosemary taught me how to make an apple crisp, a dessert. I thought I would try to do it again."

"Well," Will took the apples from her. "Aren't you full of surprises."

"Do you like apple crisps?" she asked him worried.

"I haven't met something that Miss Rosemary made that I don't like. But do you like it? Apple crisp in a notably chocolate free desert."

Deanna only shrugged. She headed back through the green. They stopped at different booths picking up some of the completed fudge and some other treats.

"Here," Will called to her as he came from the next booth. He handed her a red stick of some sort, except it was limp. Her face was furrowed looking at the item in his hand. "It's candy," he told her. "Try it before you wrinkle up your nose at it."

Deanna took a bite of the end and began to chew. "What is this?" she asked.

"This is licorice. Actually this is a red rope, which is a specific type of licorice." He looked down at the look on Deanna's face. "It's festival food."

"Festival food?" Deanna asked him. "What is festival food?"

"It's the food they serve at festivals; popcorn and licorice and cotton candy," Will looked around at what people were munching on around them. "Festival food," he said pointing.

"It's all so sweet. Doesn't everyone get sick to their stomachs?"

"That's kind of part of the tradition."

Deanna just shook her head.

"These are a little heavy. Why don't I take them up to the house?" Will asked Deanna.

"I'll come with you."

The two walked back to the house together. The conversation was starting to flow a little more easily, but it stayed light, as they came into the house. Deanna unloaded the apples in the kitchen as Will stepped on to the back porch.

"Hey there stranger," a woman's voice called from the back yard. "I wondered how long it would be before you showed up."

Deanna walked out onto the porch at the sound of the voice and found Sarah Lewis walking across the yard from her parent's home, a little girl on her hip and a young boy playing behind her.

Will stood frozen on the back steps.

"Hey Deanna. I was just going to come see if you were home. Wondered if you wanted to come in to town with us, but it looks like you have a better offer than us." She looked back at Will as she came to a stop just in front of him.

"What, don't remember me?" she asked playfully.

"No, of course." Will glanced over at Deanna as she watched his interaction. He felt like his every move was being scrutinized. He offered his hand to Sarah and she looked at it puzzled.

"You're kidding, right?" she said looking from his hand to his face. She stepped up to him and gave him a hug, but Will froze at the touch. Sarah again looked at Will and then up to the porch to Deanna.

Deanna appreciated that Will was so uncomfortable being in contact with Sarah, but she didn't know how to show him that she was not. She only shrugged her shoulders at this woman she now considered a friend.

"These are your children?" Deanna asked.

Sarah nodded. "This," she said pointing back to the boy running towards the stream. "Is my son Michael, he's five. And this," she said hiking her daughter up a little higher up onto her hip, "is Abigail. She's two."

Deanna waved at the little girl. "You are precious," Deanna told her as the little girl shied away into her mother's shoulder.

"Say hello Abby," her mother urged. But the little girl just pushed her head further into her mother's shoulder. "Ahhh," Sarah sighed. "Go on, go to Grandma." Sarah put the little girl down and turned back to her parent's home. "Mom," she called. "Mom can you let Abby in please?"

Mary Lewis stepped out her back door and called to the little girl who tore off through the yard towards her grandmother.

"I swear, they are going to drive me crazy. Matt doesn't get home for two more days and I have just about had it."

"Where is Matt?" Will asked.

"He's off shore. Some research project. He's been gone almost two weeks."

"He's a biologist?" Deanna asked trying to remember.

"Marine biological researcher," Sarah corrected. "He goes out a couple weeks at a time, but at the end of the trip I am just worn out."

"You have Erik to help you," Deanna offered.

"Yeah, well, sometimes he isn't much better than the kids." Sarah turned back to Will.

"So how long are you going to be here?" she asked.

Will shrugged and looked up at Deanna where she stood at the top of the porch stairs. "I'm not really sure yet," He told her.

"Well if you are still here when Matt gets back in a few days, we should all go out to dinner."

"That sounds fun," Deanna said nodding reassuringly to Will.

Will forced a laugh. "For who?" he asked Deanna.

"Oh, come on, party pooper. You and Matt haven't seen each other in ages," Sarah told him.

"I know." Will seemed to be growing more uncomfortable.

"Oh, it would be great," Deanna told them both. "He'll be great," she told Sarah.

"Great!" Sarah seemed pleased. She looked over her shoulder at her son who was now standing in the creek. "Michael Aaron Hill! You get out of there right now! I didn't bring you dry shoes. Now you are going to be sloshing around with wet feet all day," Sarah called to her son. He did not move from where he was and then plunged both hands down into the water and brought up a small frog. Sarah moaned. "Michael! You put that down and go in the house right now. We are going with Grammy and PapPap to the festival!" Sarah turned back to Will and Deanna. "I have to go," she told them heading off towards her son where he now chased the desperately leaping frog. "Are you coming down for the dinner tonight? It's going to be quite the party!"

"Ah," Will hesitated.

"We'll be there," Deanna called as Sarah made her way back to her parents yard. They watched as Sarah herded her children into the house and Will sighed.

"I like Sarah," Deanna told Will as she sat down on the swing.

"Really?" Will asked as he joined her.

Deanna nodded. "She's very nice and very funny. She has been very kind to me considering she had never met me before."

"And…" Will waited.

"And what?"

"And that we…"

"Dated in High school?" Deanna asked. "I think she got over you, Will."

"No, I didn't mean that, I just… with all this…I didn't know how kindly you would take to meeting an old girlfriend." Will shrugged. There he had said it. "I hope it was okay that I contacted her."

"Will, she's lovely. I have very much enjoyed her company. She and I could easily be good friends. She has been over here half a dozen times checking on me and showing me things. We have had some very nice talks."

"About?" Will asked.

"Not you."

Will sighed. "I am really not that self involved. I just wondered what a small town girl from Alaska and a Betazoid heiress found to talk about."

Deanna's mouth fell open looking at him.

"Sorry."

"For?" Deanna asked.

"You are in fact an heiress. I don't say it just to tick you off." Will sighed again. "Sorry."

Deanna shook her head and rolled her eyes at him. They both looked towards the Lewis house as they saw young Michael streak back through the yard and into the stream.

"Michael Aaron!" Sarah screamed. "You get back here this instant!" Sarah was out of the house behind him and he took off into the trees. "Your father will be home in two days and this is going to be the first thing he hears. That you won't listen to your mother!"

Will and Deanna watched as Sarah dragged her son out of the woods and back to the house.

Will chuckled to himself. "We were just as rotten as kids, her and me."

"I believe it."

"Wow, are you sure we ever wanted one of those?" he asked pointing slightly to the young boy as he tried again to sneak out of the house and into the woods.

Deanna only watched the scene of the child being dragged back inside again and nodded.

"I did. I still do," she told him honestly, afraid to look at him.

Will froze at those words. He inhaled sharply. "Deanna, I can't…"

"I know." Deanna looked at the man sitting next to her. "I know. Neither can I. But it doesn't make me stop wanting."

Will felt the sadness coming from her. "I'm sorry, Deanna. I wanted it too, but I never felt lost without it like you. I'm really truly sorry that I couldn't give you what you wanted." The two sat looking at one another for a moment more. "Maybe we could try something else…" Will began to offer.

"No, Will." Deanna sighed heavily. "No more. It destroyed us. I can't go back there."

"No matter what you were doing, it was no excuse for what I did," Will told her firmly.

Deanna reached over and put her hand on Will's forearm. "Will, stop. Thank you, but stop. Let me take responsibility for what I did." Deanna took a few more deep breaths before continuing. "I knew I was hurting you, hurting us. I understood. I just didn't care. It was like wrestling a monster inside me every day and I got tired and I gave up. I convinced myself that if you loved me, you would put up with it, if you really loved me. I treated you badly. I treated you like you didn't matter, that having a baby was more important to me than you were. I risked it all, and I lost. I lost you, I lost myself. I am finally feeling like I have myself back. That is my only comfort. I don't know if I can get us back or not. I want to have a baby, I still do. But a baby is supposed to be a reflection of our love for one another, not a test of it. It cannot be a baby's job to fix us or heal us. That is our job. And I guess if I am meant to be a mother, than the universe will need to bring a baby to me at some point off in the future, because I don't think I am ready right now, and I can't go back there. And please don't offer to because you think it will make me happy. Believe me when I say I was NOT happy. I'm sorry for what I did to us, Will. I am. And if there is a way to go forward, I wouldn't let that happen again."

Will watched Deanna as she spoke, calmly and confidently. This was the woman he loved, the woman he had married. She was not the raving, mood swinging, screaming, quick to find fault person that had left the Titan. "I'm glad that you have found yourself again. I am. And I still believe that you would be a wonderful mother. But if we can find a way forward, I don't want to risk it by putting you through all of that again," he told her. "Thank you for saying all of that," he told her as she tucked her body into his as they continued to rock on the swing, his arms around her. "I love you more than anything, Deanna."

"I want there to be a way forward," she told him.

"There is. We'll find it."

The two sat on the swing and rocked for a while longer before heading back in to town. The party like atmosphere was only increasing. There were many tables set up and lanterns lighting up the green as darkness began to fall. There was a huge fried chicken dinner for anyone who cared to sit down and eat and there was a band playing and people were dancing. It was not like any festival Deanna had ever seen. The two of them laughed together as the afternoon wore on and they were feeling quite comfortable together by the time they sat and joined others eating at the tables. Miss Rosemary drifted through the crowd talking and laughing with people. She smiled widely when she came to the table where Will and Deanna were sitting, eating and talking.

"Well, I didn't figure I would see either of you for a few more days. What a treat."

Will shook his head slightly at the older woman. "This is perhaps the best thing I have ever eaten," Will told her licking his fingers.

"Oh, darling. You should know better than to say things like that in front of your wife," she chastised him, thumping him on the shoulder. "Now, wipe your hands. You have the same table manners that you had when you were a boy."

Will reached up and wiped his hands on his shirt, just to spite her.

"Oh, you," she scolded.

"I have missed you, Miss Rosemary." Will leaned over and kissed her on the cheek.

"Well you could come around a bit more often…" Rosemary walked off to mingle with the crowd.

"How old is Miss Rosemary?" Deanna asked Will.

Will shrugged. "I thought she was about 100 when I was a kid, but she is probably 80 now. Let's see." Will tired to figure it out. "Jimmy's mom was probably in her early twenties when Jimmy was born and I think Miss Rosemary said she had her daughter when she was twenty-five. And Jimmy was just a couple of months older than me so… that would make her…" Will calculated in his head. "Eighty seven?"

"So Miss Rosemary is Jimmy's maternal grandmother." Deanna tried to cement the relationships in her head.

Will nodded.

"And she was married to Jimmy's grandfather…"

"So?"

"So why does everyone call her MISS Rosemary?"

Sarah Lewis's voice cut in above the crowd as she slipped into a seat next to Deanna. "Well, probably because she got married when she was twenty and her first husband died when she was thirty…"

"First husband? How many husbands has she had?"

"Two," Will answered.

"Three," Sarah corrected. "She got married about ten years ago. It only lasted a few months. He wanted to move her off to Texas."

"Oh, no." Will chuckled.

"What?" Deanna asked to two of them, feeling lost.

"Miss Rosemary was born here, in Turner, not even across the bay. She has lived here her whole life, buried one husband, one daughter and one grandson in the cemetery on the hill and she is not going to die anywhere else. I have to practically hog tie her to just get her to go see a doctor in Valdez," Sarah told her.

"So husband number one died? Number three… she got a divorce? And what happened to two?"

Will made a face, but Sarah told the story, reaching for a bit of chicken and potatoes. "He was a dog. He drank and he cussed. Nobody liked him, especially us." She pointed between herself and Will. "He treated Jimmy like he was scum. Miss Rosemary said he treated her nice, but one day he was drunk and he smacked Jimmy into the wall of the café after school. No one ever saw him again. For all we know, she drowned him in the bay."

Deanna looked between the two of them shocked. "Why did he hit him?" she asked.

"He didn't need a reason," Will muttered under his breath.

"He said Jimmy just wasn't his blood," Sarah added.

"How old were you?"

"Ten?" Sarah asked Will.

"Maybe eleven."

"And after that, she just went by Miss Rosemary. She had changed her name for her first husband, and again for her second. Once he was gone, she changed her name back to her first husband's name and kept saying that she was a Miss, and that she was done with men. It just kind of stuck.

"This is a colorful little town," Deanna said thoughtfully.

"Oh, we haven't even explained how many people are related yet. It's a scientific mystery why we don't all have webbed feet."

"William Thomas Riker," Mary Lewis spoke over her daughter's head as she approached the table.

"Oh, hey Mom. Go sit with Dad and the kids. I was just stopping to say hi, gossip a bit," Sarah said reaching out to steady her mother.

But her mother continued toward Will. "I didn't recognize you this afternoon on the porch with that fur on your face. Though I don't know what other man I thought your sweet wife would be entertaining. Hello dear," she added nodding at Deanna.

"Hello Mary."

Mary Lewis turned back to Will. "She has been a delight, this one. I like her."

"I like her too," Will agreed, putting his arm around the back of Deanna's chair.

"Of course, you know dear that this young man and my daughter were quite the hot ticket in their time," she told Deanna.

"Okay, mom. That'll do." Sarah began to steer her mother back to the table where her children and father waited.

"Oh, I could tell you stories."

"You could, but you're not going to." Sarah tugged a little harder.

"Would you like to dance?" Will asked turning to Deanna, hoping to divert her from that conversation.

Deanna raised her eyebrows in surprise. "Sure," she responded, stunned. Will reached out his hand and pulled Deanna up from her chair.

"Sorry," Sarah mouthed as she ushered her mother away.

Will and Deanna chuckled together as he held her as they began to dance.

"You must have really not wanted me to hear those stories," Deanna teased.

"I have no secrets. What do you want to know?" he asked pulling her even tighter against him.

"Nothing really," Deanna said chuckling. "It just seems like the cat's a little out of the bag on this one. I mean I have been here for more than two weeks. If people wanted to tell me rotten embarrassing things about you, they could have already done it."

"Well, they couldn't have told you that much. You aren't running away screaming yet." Will looked out over the town, the people around them, the band as they played, and over their heads to the stars where at least two star ships orbited the earth. For the first time, he felt such hope. He tried not to linger on the thought of the divorce papers that still sat on the entry table to the house or that his wife had requested a new assignment, away from him, but he couldn't shake the feeling that Deanna wanted to slow down and he was racing the clock. It was only nine more days until the Enterprise left and he still didn't know if it was Deanna's intention to be aboard. He wondered if he could bring it up without her pulling away from him.

"Deanna," he began as the song continued. "Can we talk about the Enterprise?" he asked. He felt her body tense against him. "I know that Jean Luc offered you the counselor position. I understand that, at the time with what you thought was happening, why you did what you did. But what now?"

"I don't know, Will. I don't have an answer for you."

"If we are going to try," Will began.

"If I tell him I don't want the job, then he will find someone else and if things can't work here, then what for me?" Deanna had let go of him and stood in front of him helplessly.

"I don't know yet. I don't want to go faster than I am comfortable with. Please Will, can't we just be right here in this moment for right now? It's a beautiful night and I am enjoying being here with you. Can't we just focus on where we are, and not worry so much about where we are going?"

Will pulled her back to him and began to dance to the beat of the music with her in his arms again. "Okay," he whispered against her hair. "Okay." He didn't tell her how scared it made him that she wanted to keep that option open for herself, that she was still deciding whether or not to walk away from him, but she sensed it anyway.

"I'm sorry, Will. I am trying the best way I know how."

"I know. It's okay. I understand. I don't like it, but I understand. I won't push you, Deanna. I promise I won't."

The two of them danced on for a few more songs, holding each other close, until the music picked up the pace and the children overtook the green.

"To be young again," Miss Rosemary mused as she walked past the two of them as they sat back down at their table. After a few more rowdy songs, things found a happy medium and people of all ages were talking and dancing and laughing on the green together.

Erik Lewis walked up to the two of them and took off his hat. "Captain, Ma'am," he said greeting each of them. "If you would forgive me, my mother is bugging me that I should ask you to dance," he said to Deanna clearly blushing.

Deanna looked from Erik to Will and back to Erik. "I'd love to."

"Really?" Erik asked shocked. Deanna nodded and took his hand and walked off with him to dance with the others. Will shook his head and tried not to laugh. It was a bit like watching Wesley Crusher try to woo his wife. Though he had to give it to the kid for sheer guts.

"Alright, flyboy," Sarah Lewis had swung into the seat next to him. "Are you laughing at my baby brother?"

"I'm just watching where he puts his hands," Will replied.

"Well enough spying. Come on, I am one husband shy. Dance with me." She pulled on Will's arm and he reluctantly followed her out on the floor.

"Do I have some sort of contagious disease I don't know about?" Sarah asked as Will held her awkwardly. "I have seen you dance better than this. Why am I suddenly making you feel so uncomfortable?" Will tried to gesture that he didn't understand what she was talking about. "You wanted to shake my hand this afternoon? Really?"

"I'm sorry Sarah," Will said shaking his head. "It's not you. I swear."

"Then what is it? Is it about me making friends with your wife? Is that what's got you all in a twist? Is it that you still feel an overwhelming need to be competitive with my husband? What? We've known each other for a million years, Will. Just tell me."

"I am just… very aware of my interactions with the opposite sex, and what Deanna thinks of them."

"Oh," Sarah said looking at him sadly. "What was her name?" she asked.

"Sarah," Will sighed.

"I like Deanna, Will. What did you do?" she asked as they continued to dance.

Will sighed again. "We're working on it, okay?"

"Is that why she came here?" Will nodded. Sarah's hand on his shoulder came up and slapped him upside the back of his head.

"OHW!" Will cried. "You just automatically side with her? You have known me since we were in diapers, but you side with the woman you have known two weeks?"

"Was it her fault?" Sarah asked flatly.

"No. It was mine." Will hung his head.

Sarah just shook her head in return. "You're dumb."

"I know," Will said as they continued to dance.

"Did you ever cheat on me in high school?"

"Sarah!"

"Oh, okay. Just dancing," Sarah replied.

They joined the party as it went on into the night. Will had danced with Mrs. Lewis and Miss Rosemary as well and Deanna had loved watching him. She reached out and held his hand as they walked up the hill to the house together. It was late, but the moon and stars lit the path for them. They slowed as they reached the door and came into the house. Deanna turned to face him, just inside the door. She stretched up to kiss his cheek.

"I had a really good time today," she told him.

"So did I."

They stood and smiled at each other for a moment. It was as awkward as when he was dating in high school. Suddenly the location seemed appropriate. Deanna took control of the moment, kissing him again on the cheek.

"Good night, Will," she said letting go of his hand and walking over to the stairs.

Will followed her to the bottom stair. "Good night, Deanna." He listened to her footsteps round the corner of the hallway and then he heard the door close and the small clunk of the lock falling into place. Somehow that sound hurt. She was locking him out, making him keep his distance. But the day had still ended better than it started and he walked of to his own bedroom wondering what the next few days would hold.


	19. Chapter 19

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek TNG or any of its original characters.

Will woke to the patter of Deanna's feet across the kitchen floor and this time he knew where she was headed. He slipped out of his room and towards the back door to follow her, but as he opened the door he saw a large moose grazing in the stream at the edge of the yard.

"What the…"

"Shh," Deanna called pressing her finger to her lips. Will pointed to the animal and Deanna only smiled. "Will," she said in a soft whisper, "this is Bob. Bob, Will," she made the introductions as if she were not talking to a large wild animal.

"It's a moose."

"I know," Deanna said from her place on the swing.

"You named him Bob?"

"John Lewis named him Bob. Sarah says he's been grazing like this most mornings for the last five years or so."

"I'm surprised my dad didn't stuff and mount him."

Deanna just clucked her tongue is a sound of disgust.

"I didn't say I would," Will defended.

"Well, I doubt your father was in any condition to hunt."

"And he just grazes and ignores you?" Will asked her.

"We have reached an understanding."

"So you come out here every morning?"

"Almost."

"And what do you do sitting on my mothers swing?"

Deanna looked at him almost sadly. "I meditate."

Will looked back sullenly. "Oh."

"I center myself and think. It is soothing to me."

Will nodded in understanding. "And meditating is hard to do with someone sitting here, staring at you."

Deanna nodded as well. "Yes."

"I'm going." Will began to head back in the house and Deanna crossed her legs and closed her eyes.

When Deanna came inside, Will was dressed and was just finishing his breakfast. She noticed the plate with pancakes and fruit that he had left for her. She sat down across the table from him and began to eat.

"Did you sleep well?" she asked.

Will nodded. "Fine. You?"

"Fine." Deanna looked over at him. "What is your plan for the day?" she asked.

"Well, I thought I would plow through all of that," he said pointing over to the desk. "It's got to be done." Will began to clear his plate as Deanna continued to eat. "Do you have plans?" he asked.

Deanna only shook her head. Will began shuffling the papers around the desk, though it didn't look to Deanna that much actual sorting was taking place. "I'm going to run upstairs and get dressed. Thank you for breakfast," she said leaning over him sitting at the desk and kissing his cheek lightly.

Deanna emerged from her room ready for the day and found Will in the kitchen. He had stacks of papers on the floor and table. "What is all this?" she asked looking around.

Will pointed to the table. "This is the pile to keep," he told her and then pointed at the pile on the floor. "This is the pile to throw away."

"And this?" Deanna pointed at the third pile that sat on an empty chair.

"That is the pile I am going to make you look through to give me another opinion," Will told her.

Deanna chuckled. "Oh." She began picking up the papers that lay on top, but Will yanked it away.

"When I'm done," he told her.

"Alright. Well then I think I'll go for a walk."

"Okay. Enjoy," he told her as she walked away.

Deanna spent the rest of the morning walking through the hills around Turner, watching the birds fly over the bay. It was a bit of a gray day, but she enjoyed the light breeze against her skin.

Will was done sorting through the desk when she came home, except that his maybe pile had grown considerably.

"Wow, you have been busy," she told him.

Will only bobbed his head. He seemed frustrated.

"What is it?" Deanna asked him.

He shrugged. "I don't know. I guess I was hoping to find some more personal things."

"Like?"

"I don't know. Pictures I guess."

A smile spread across Deanna's face. "Come with me," she said taking him by the hand and leading him into his room. She knelt down by the side of the chest at the foot of his bead and he watched her expectantly. Slowly, almost reverently, she opened the trunk and began to hand out the things that she had gone through earlier. "I bet he left them here in your room for you, thinking this would be where you would look first."

"Maybe," Will told her. "How did you know they were here?" he asked.

"I found them a while ago, when I first got here," she confessed as he opened the folder and began to look through the pictures. He was smiling.

"I like that one," Deanna said pointing to the picture of Will standing on the snow piled all the way to the first floor roofline. "How old were you?" she asked.

"Twelve maybe."

"Does it really snow that much?"

"Almost every year," he replied.

Deanna only shook her head. "I won't be coming here in winter," she told him.

"I didn't figure," he said. He looked over and saw that Deanna held his high school yearbook in her lap. "Oh, don't read that," he told her.

Deanna smiled. "Too late."

Will rolled his eyes.

Deanna stood to go and patted him on the shoulder. "I'll let you do this alone. I'll go through your maybe pile out there," she said pointing to the kitchen.

The day slipped away as they sorted and stacked and repacked the things that were important to Will, documents that he needed, and the photographs that were the most precious to him. They ate and talked a bit as they went, but much of the day the house was filled only with the shuffle of objects and the sounds of rustling paper.

"I'm going to bed," Deanna said as she finished straitening up the kitchen and came into the front room where Will sat by the fire. He had been writing on a PADD when she walked in but had tucked it to his chest when he saw her, like he was hiding something. He looked nervously at Deanna and she felt her stomach sink. Her mind whipped through the possibilities of what was on that PADD. Was it the divorce papers that he was signing? Was it a letter to someone that he didn't want her to see? Was it to Mac?

Will studied her face. He could read her so well. He could see that she was afraid. She stood so rigidly in front of him, frozen half way to the stairs. "It's nothing," he told her. "It's just a list." He held out the PADD to her but she did not take it.

"I trust you," she said hurrying past him to the stairs.

She was hurt and was only trying to run away. Will reached out and took her wrist in his hand. "No you don't," he told her. "And I don't blame you. Don't run away, Deanna. It's a list. I was going to show it to you later. Here." He handed her the PADD and slowly she began to read.

"What are these? Rules?"

Will nodded. "I always had a list of rules in my head for appropriate behavior. But when this whole thing started, at first I thought I was keeping those rules. So I thought I needed some new rules. I promise you I will not let this happen again. So I am making new rules to make sure it doesn't."

Deanna shook her head as she looked down Will's list again.

_1. There is no reason that you should be in a female crewman's quarters. Period. _

_2. If Deanna does not like and trust them, neither do you._

It continued to list about fifteen items in all. She half laughed half sighed and handed the PADD back to Will.

"What did you think it was?" he asked her seriously.

"Nothing. I don't know."

"Deanna,"

"I was just afraid," she shook her head. "It doesn't matter."

"It matters to me," he told her, taking her hand and holding it tightly. "Did you think I was writing her a letter?"

Deanna looked down at her feet. "Did you say good bye?" she asked. "I mean how did you leave it? Are you friends that are going to talk to each other occasionally or does she hate you?" she questioned. She hated that she could hear the shaking in her own voice.

Will could feel the tremble in her hand. "I said good bye," he told her. "I have no reason to talk to her. I know it's going to take time to earn your trust back, Deanna. Until then, I am completely open. If you want to know something, all you have to do is ask. I have never lied to you." Will watched as Deanna nodded, her eyes never leaving her feet. "I love you, Deanna. I'm sorry I tried to hide this from you. I just wanted to show you when it was done. That's all."

Deanna leaned over and kissed him on the cheek. "Thank you," she told him.

"Goodnight." Deanna walked to the stairs and then turned around. "Do you have plans for tomorrow?" she asked him as he sat watching her.

Will shook his head. "No. Do you have something in mind?"

"I want to cook you dinner. Is that okay?" she asked.

"Yeah, of course," Will responded. "Can I take you someplace first?" he asked.

Deanna nodded. "That would be nice."

"Good night Deanna," Will called as she climbed the stairs. He heard the door close and sat perfectly still listening until he heard the clunk of the lock fall. Disappointed he shook his head and went back to his list.

It was mid morning by the time that the two of them left the house the following day. Will hadn't told Deanna where he was taking her, only saying that he wanted to show her some things. But as they headed off into the woods behind the house, she thought she had a pretty good idea.

Will led off through the woods and paused to get his bearings for a moment. Deanna only watched. She leaned up against a tree trunk with carved initials and a heart around it and pointed.

"Is this what you wanted to show me?" she asked.

Will glanced over at her and moaned. "Um, can we just ignore that?" he asked.

"I think it's adorable."

"I think it was a fifteen year olds desperate attempt at being romantic. Please can we ignore it?"

Deanna shrugged teasingly. "I still think it's adorable."

"Would you like me to carve our initials in a tree?" Will asked turning back to her smiling.

"You wouldn't."

Will reached into his back pocket and pulled out a pocketknife. "Pick a tree," he offered.

Deanna looked around, a bit taken aback by his offer. "Maybe I will."

"Well you just let me know when you've found one." Will took her by the hand and began leading her down the same overgrown path she had traveled to Curtis Creek. She didn't have it in her to tell him she had found it on her own, so she went along letting him guide her. "I should warn you, it's pretty permanent. Once I do it, I can't really take it back," he told her.

The two walked together along the path until they reached the clearing. "Do you recognize where you are?" he asked her.

"I do."

"And what is your first impression?"

Deanna looked around at the trees and the water rippling over the rocks. "I think it's peaceful," Deanna told him, walking over to a fallen log and straddling it.

Will walked over and straddled the same log facing her. "Well then it doesn't change much from your first impression."

"Well," Deanna sighed. "That actually wasn't really my first impression," she confessed. "I found the path and came out here when I first got here."

"You did? Why?" Will asked.

Deanna took a deep breath of fresh cool air and sighed. "I don't know. I guess I wanted to know this place like you know this place. I had heard you describe how you would run out of the house and follow the path…Maybe I just wanted to see if I could find it."

Will studied her as she looked around where they sat. "Well, where else have you been, so I don't do it again."

Deanna began to laugh. "I have already seen your elementary school and high school. And I took a trip to the hospital where you were born."

"You went to the hospital?" Will asked concerned reaching out for her.

"Just a walk around the outside," Deanna assured him. "I'm fine."

"So what was this the Will Riker walking tour?"

Deanna tilted her head to one side and nodded a bit embarrassed.

"Hmm," Will said picking up a pebble from by his foot and tossing it into the creek.

"But that wasn't really my first trip to Curtis Creek," Deanna told Will.

He raised his eyebrows at her in question.

"Don't you remember? We'd been serving on the Enterprise three or four years and you dragged me into the holodeck into this program and took me fishing?"

Will began to laugh at the memory and he nodded. "Yeah, I do remember that," he said throwing in another pebble. It skipped across the surface of the water.

"Impressive," Deanna remarked.

He tossed her a pebble of her own. "Try it," he urged. Deanna tossed it into the water and it sank with a single splash. "Here," he handed her another one and came around to sit behind her. It's all in the wrist," he said demonstrating how to flick her wrist to make the stone spin.

"Are you helping?" she asked looking at him over her shoulder where he had sat down.

"I'm just getting out of the way."

Deanna rolled her eyes and tried again. The rock skipped once and then disappeared.

"Better!" he told her.

"You aren't going to make me fish, are you?" she asked him.

"There's no fish in here this time of year," he answered. "Hey, you said you enjoyed that trip in the holodeck."

"No, I said I enjoyed spending time with you," Deanna corrected.

"Oh, I see. It's all in the wording," Will said skipping another rock.

"I did enjoy spending time with you. I just didn't care for the baiting hooks and things."

"I enjoyed spending time with you too," Will told her sitting back down in front of her.

"Even though I screamed when you caught a fish?"

"Yes," Will told her. "I did." Will pulled some of Deanna's loose hair away from her face and tucked it gently behind her ears. He wanted to kiss her, but was desperately afraid of running the moment.

"I pick that one," Deanna said.

"What?"

"That tree," Deanna pointed to a tree just on the other side of the creek. "For our initials. I pick that tree."

Will looked from the tree to Deanna and back at the tree and shrugged. "Had to be on the other side, huh?"

"I have my reasons," Deanna told him as Will hiked up the creek to a more narrow section and began trying out dry stones so that he could cross the water. Deanna followed him and he helped her across behind him.

"Let's hear 'um," he said as they both reached the other side, mostly dry.

"On my first trip to Curtis Creek you kissed me, leaning against this tree on the holodeck."

"I kissed you?" Will asked.

"Mhh, hmm." Deanna nodded.

"Hmm. That was probably pushing it a bit."

"You did that occasionally," she reminded him.

Will pulled out the pocketknife and looked at the tree. "You're sure?" he asked. Deanna nodded. "Really sure?"

"Just do it."

Will began to carve into the bark. "You know this will make the tree weaker and more susceptible to disease," he told her.

Deanna gasped. "You tell me that now!" she cried as he finished the W. "Now I feel guilty."

"Oh, I wouldn't worry too much," he laughed.

Deanna leaned against a tree behind him and watched him work. After a few minutes he stepped away.

"There you go," he said proudly. But Deanna's face was annoyed.

"Give me the knife," she said holding out her hand.

"What? Why?"

"Give me the knife!" she said again. Will reluctantly dropped the knife into her outstretched palm. Deanna stepped up to the tree where Will had carved WR + DT, and she shook her head. "If you're going to put something permanent out there, let's at least do it right, shall we?" She opened the knife blade and began to carve something else at the end of the letters DT. "You can't even get my initials right," she chastised him.

"Forgive me," he told her, humbly.

Deanna continued to hack at the bark and then grunted in frustration. "This looked easier when you were doing it!"

Will stepped up close behind her. "Here, let me help before you slit your wrist," he said closing his hand over hers. Together they carved an R so that the tree now read WR + DTR.

"There," Deanna let him take the knife from her. "That's better."

Will smiled widely. "Yes, ma'am," he responded, putting the knife back into his pocket. He was still standing very close to her, but she had turned around and was facing him, her back to the tree. "I kissed you right here?" Will asked.

Deanna nodded.

"And that was a bit pushy?" he asked flatly.

"I seem to recall that I let you get away with it," Deanna told him.

"I want to kiss you now, but I don't want to be pushy," Will told her leaning closer to her.

"Okay," Deanna told him before she leaned in and kissed him softly.

Will ran his hands through her hair and gently rubbed her neck as she ran her tongue along his lower lip and he tried to control the deep moan he felt growing inside him. They continued to kiss until Will thought he would explode if she continued to do what she was doing to him. He was trying to move slower, but this was simply torturous. Finally, unable to take anymore, he stepped back from her.

"We should get back," he said. He didn't fail to notice how hard they were both breathing. He took her hand in his and led her across the creek and back through the woods.

"One more thing," Deanna said as they walked away from the creek.

"What's that?"

"You have to alter the tree on your holodeck program too."

"Oh, yeah?" he asked looking back at her as she lagged a step behind.

"It's only accurate."

Deanna spent the rest of the afternoon trying to recreate the dinner than Miss Rosemary had taught her. There were pork chops and mashed potatoes and spinach salad. She was having a hard time getting everything to be done at the same time and was getting flustered. She had told Will to stay out of the kitchen while she cooked, but every time he heard her sigh or swear under her breath he would poke his head in and ask if she needed help.

"Out!" she pointed as she was nearing the end.

"I'm just offering…"

"Out! Go walk in the woods!"

"Okay," Will told her. "For how long should I go wander the woods?"

Deanna looked over her dinner and checked her timer. "Twenty seven minutes."

"Will shook his head once with a smile. "Yes Ma'am," he said heading out the back door.

He returned right on time and found that the table had been set with candles and there was wine and Deanna's lovely dinner laid out. She had also changed into a burgundy dress, and she had pulled her hair up and put on earrings.

"Wow!" he told her. "When did you learn to do this?" he asked sitting down at the table.

"Miss Rosemary taught me how to make it, just like she does."

"Well then you are a very good student," he said as he began to eat. "Deanna, it's delicious."

She smiled shyly. "Thank you."

"Why did Miss Rosemary teach you?"

"I asked," Deanna said as they continued with their dinner. "She told me an old saying that the way to a man's heart is through his stomach," she repeated with a shrug.

Will reached across the table and took Deanna's hand. "You've already got my heart. You've had it for a long time."

Deanna was proud of her meal, and was delighted that Will seemed to enjoy it.

"Are you ready for dessert?" she asked as they talked over their empty plates.

"What's for dessert?" he asked.

"Apple crisp."

"Right," Will nodded. "With your apples."

"Do you want to go eat it by the fire?" Deanna asked and Will nodded.

Will sat down on the rug in front of the fireplace and Deanna sat down next to him, handing him a plate of apple crisp.

"Tastes exactly like Miss Rosemary's" Will told her. "Which means it's delicious." She smiled again. They sat by the fire and talked some more, then talking turned to cuddling and before too long cuddling turned to more kissing like they had been kissing by the tree that afternoon. Except this time they did not have a cool breeze or being in a semi-public place to serve as a discouragement. They were both about to loose all control when Deanna pulled away from him and out of his arms. She took a couple of deep breaths before she spoke.

"I think I should go up to bed now," she told him.

Will sighed and nodded but said nothing.

"Is that okay?" Deanna asked him.

"It's fine, Deanna. I mean I like kissing you, don't get me wrong, but I'm not going to rush you."

"Are you sure?" she asked uncertain if he was angry with her for letting things progress so far, only to pull away.

"Yes, I'm sure. I'm having Enterprise flashbacks, but that's neither here nor there."

"Enterprise flashbacks?" Deanna questioned. "Like when we were dating?"

"Well, probably more like when we weren't dating," Will said with a shrug.

Deanna tried not to smile as she thought about what he said. There had been several moments where a goodnight kiss had progressed very similarly to what had just happened, only to have her pull away and tell him good night.

"Is that what we're doing, Dea? Dating?"

Deanna gave a miniscule shrug. "I guess so," she told him. "I know you must be terribly frustrated with me."

"No," Will told her as he stood up. "I'm not. Because I believe that one of these nights, you are going to climb those stairs to go to bed, and you aren't going to lock the door behind you, and then when you are comfortable with that, you might even leave the door open. And if I am incredibly lucky, sometime between now and when I leave, you may even want me to sleep in the same bed with you. So I'll take the baby steps Deanna. I'll do whatever it takes." Will bent over and picked up the plates from their dessert and began to walk off towards the kitchen. "Good night, Deanna. Sleep well."

"Good night," she called after him. She sat for a moment longer on the floor, listening to the sounds of Will in the kitchen before she stood up, put out the fire and climbed the stairs to go to bed.

Will walked silently back into the front room as he heard her climb the stairs. He listened to the bedroom door close and he waited for the small clunk of the lock, but it did not come. He stood perfectly still, just listening for a few more minutes before he heard the squeak of the mattress and Deanna settled into bed.

"Baby steps," he nodded to himself as he walked back into the kitchen.

The couple spent the next several days enjoying time together, walking the town laughing and talking, and popping into the café to eat. Instead of fighting to get to their old patterns back, they were trying to form new patterns. They were the same in a lot of ways, but there were changes, in who they were, and how they were together. Still, they were finding that they were increasingly happy together, instead of the sad, scared, hurt people that they had been that first night.

Deanna came into the house after returning a book she had been reading to the library in town and found Will ending a communication in the kitchen. She felt a momentary panic, but pushed it aside. "Who were you talking to?" she asked calmly.

"John," Will said turning to her.

"Is everything alright?"

"I suppose." Will told her. "It looks like Admiral Brand has got the social bug. He is throwing a reception next Thursday."

"So it sounds like you are going to a party."

"Ah, WE are going to a party."

Deanna raised her eyebrows. "A little presumptuous, aren't you?"

"Any way you slice this apple, you are going. It is a reception for the staff of the Titan and Enterprise." Will paused. "It's a send off for the Enterprise. It's leaving orbit on Friday morning." There it was, the ever-present ticking in Will's mind. The countdown to the decision, D-day as he had dubbed it in his head. He looked up at Deanna and found her staring at him with that same ticking look in her eye. "You want to get out of here?" Will asked feeling restless. Deanna nodded.

Before they could think much more about it, they were out the door and walking through town. They took the ferry over to the other side of the bay, trying to get as much distance between them and the ticking time that they both felt. They walked along the wharf and browsed through some shops, when they heard a familiar voice.

"Hey you two," Sarah Lewis called out to them. She walked towards them with a tall man with blond hair in tow. "Deanna, this is my husband Matt. Matt, this is Deanna."

"I've heard so much about you," Matt said reaching out and shaking Deanna's hand.

Sarah gave Will a quick hug and turned back to her husband. "And you of course remember Will."

Both men stood awkwardly looking at one another.

"Okay," Sarah commented and looked back at Deanna. "Matt and I were going to grab a late lunch. Erik is watching the kids tonight. Do you two want to join us?"

"That would be great," Deanna said and Will nudged her. She jabbed him back with her elbow. "If you don't mind Matt."

"Oh, no. Sarah has been wanting me to meet you. I have to say, you aren't what I expected from a woman Will married."

"Oh?"

"You seem quite, I don't know…educated and well spoken."

Will cleared his throat loudly behind Deanna and she turned to him and smiled. She noticed Matt got a sharp jab from his wife as well.

"Do you like seafood?" Sarah asked Deanna as the two headed off towards the restaurants with their husbands following reluctantly behind.

"So," Matt spoke to Will. "What kind of things have you been doing on your star ship? Any adventures?"

"Here and there," Will commented.

"Well, I know we have had our share. We have been testing the effects of the chlorophyll pumps on the deep ocean habitat. It has put us in some pretty uncomfortable situations."

And so it began. Matt would tell a story of some sort of deep sea adventure and Will would counter and up the anti just a bit with an adventure of his own. It was like competitive badminton between the two of them. The only break was when they had to pause to decide what to eat and occasionally while they ate. A few times Sarah tried to change the course of the conversation, but to no avail. Deanna sat and listened to the two men rant on and on. Will's stories were each more adventurous than the next, and though they were factually true as far as she could remember, she had just about had it listening to how he and his crew were out saving the galaxy. She was keeping a running tally in her head of every time he mentioned his chief engineer and each time she became more and more angry. By the time that they were each done eating, Deanna was looking for any excuse to leave the table.

"Are you alright?" Sarah asked Deanna as Matt droned on with another story.

"Fine," Deanna said through clinched teeth with a fake smile plastered to her face.

Sarah stood up. "Deanna and I are going to the little girls room," she told their husbands and grabbed Deanna's arm and they scooted off towards the door.

"Oh, Deanna. I'm sorry. They do this every time they are together. They have always been competitive with each other. I know it's obnoxious."

"It's fine," Deanna told her.

"This thing that they do, it's not about me, if that's what you think. They were like this long before me. I think, when we were in high school, they envied each other. Will was very athletic and popular. Matt was more of a brain, a bit of a social outcast. But Matt was from a family that has lived up on the hill in Valdez for years, with the big happy family and Will was the kid from the wrong side of the bay with no family at all. I don't know. You're the psychologist, not me."

"Ahh," Deanna laughed a bitter sarcastic laugh. "I… I wouldn't know where to start," Deanna started to pace slightly shaking her head.

"I try to get them together whenever Will is here. I always think they will have grown out of it. I'm sorry. I didn't mean to make you so uncomfortable."

Deanna reached out and patted Sarah on the arm. "It's not you. Really. It's," Deanna shook her head. "You know what? I'm fine."

"You know Deanna, Will hinted the other night about why you came here. No details, but I think I got the drift."

Deanna sighed and looked down to avoid looking back at Sarah.

"She wouldn't happen to be one of the women who kept coming up in those stories, would she?"

"Ah," Deanna let out another sarcastic, but silent laugh as she shook her head.

"Why don't we cut this thing off while we both are still married?" Sarah offered watching as Deanna's eyes glowed with unshed tears. Sarah gave her a hug. "I'm sorry Deanna."

Deanna sniffed and wiped at her eyes. "I'm fine," she nodded and the two of them returned to the table where their husbands were still battling it out.

"Well, we are going to call it a night," Sarah said poking her husband in the shoulder. He stopped and looked up at her like she was crazy. "We need to go," Sarah told him. She looked furious and he was not going to argue. "It was good to see you both," Sarah said giving both Will and Deanna a quick hug.

"It was nice to meet you, Deanna," Matt said shaking her hand again. "Will," he said with not even a polite gesture.

Will sighed as though he had been completely put out by the whole gathering as they left the table. "Now can we go home?" he asked Deanna.

"Whatever," she said as she stormed away from the table.

Will followed after her, trying to match her pace as she stormed towards the ferry dock. It was another twenty minutes until the boat departed and the two of them brooded the whole time.

"Are you alright?" Will tried to ask her once.

"Fine," came her cold response. Will only sighed and shook his head and paced the boat until it pulled away.

It was another twenty minutes before they walked in the front door and Will slammed it behind them.

"Now are you going to tell me why you're so angry?" he asked her.

"Ah," Deanna gasped. "Why would I be angry?" she began.

"I told you I didn't want to have dinner with them, or lunch or whatever the hell meal it was. Matt and I don't get along, in case you missed that. Never have," he yelled as he took off his coat and threw it on the couch.

"You think I'm mad that you can't get along with some guy you went to high school with?"

"Aren't you?"

"You have NO IDEA!" Deanna screamed at him.

"What?" he yelled back.

"Would you like to know how many stories you told about Linsy McKenna this afternoon?"

"I didn't single her out."

"Oh, yes you did. You didn't call her by name, but I still remember her command position. I'm not actually that stupid."

"Ahh," Will raged shaking his head at her.

"Six, six times in two hours. That's once every twenty minutes, in case you needed help figuring that out."

"You were counting?"

"Yes," Deanna screamed back at him. "I _was _counting. Counting and trying not to loose my lunch."

"Oh, come on Deanna."

Deanna was almost shaking she was so angry. She just stood there and shook her head at him.

"What? Just say it? What is it you want to say?"

She continued to shake her head, trying desperately to calm down.

"Say it!"

"I hate you!" she screamed at the top of her lungs. The words rang through the house and it was like the world around them had completely frozen. But for Deanna it was like uncorking a bottle of emotions. "I hate you! I hate you for what you did! I hate you for who you are when you are like this! Why bring her up at all? Why? Did you forget that I was sitting next to you? Or was it just that important to show him up? You haven't changed. Not since high school, not since you were a lieutenant on Betezed." Deanna was frantically talking with her hands trying to make him understand. "We were apart for so long, because of this, because I didn't think I could trust you. But you convinced me that you had changed and I believed you. I leapt. And where did it get me? Right back in the same place all these years later!"

"So what are you saying?" Will asked, still angry. "That you regret marrying me?"

Deanna stopped and stared at him. "Yes."

She had not thrown anything, but the very word shattered against the walls of the home and came crashing down all around them. They stood frozen, staring at one another as the reality of the words sank in.

Will opened his mouth to speak, but couldn't find any words.

Deanna only sighed and reached out for where she had thrown her coat moments earlier and began to pull it back on.

"Where are you going?" he asked her.

"Somewhere…not here. Somewhere else."

"So you're going to run away again?" he asked her, the anger creeping back into his voice.

"I'm not running anywhere, Will," she said firmly. "I just need some air." Deanna walked out the door they had just walked through and disappeared down the path. Will watched her go and then closed the door behind her and sank down on to the couch.

Deanna wondered the town for at least an hour, not going anywhere in particular. Her mind was reeling and her stomach felt sick. She didn't know if she really meant what she had said in the house, but it felt like a burden had been lifted from her, having let it out from its deep hiding place in her heart. It was starting to get dark. She knew Will would begin to worry the later it got, but she just couldn't go home. Not yet.

Slowly she opened the door to the café. It was mostly empty, with one or two people scattered in the corners. Deanna walked up to the counter and sat down on a stool.

"Oh dear," Miss Rosemary said walking up to her. "I don't know what to bring you for that face."

Deanna tried to fake a smile, but Rosemary only shook her head at her.

"What would you like, dear?"

"I'm not hungry," Deanna told her.

"Maybe some tea," Rosemary nodded as if she was confirming her own decision and brought Deanna a cup of tea.

"Would you like to talk about it?"

At first Deanna shook her head, but slowly she sighed. "I don't know what to do," she told the elderly woman.

"You and William had a fight," Rosemary offered.

Deanna nodded.

"Sounds like it was a pretty big one."

Deanna nodded again.

"I loved fighting with my first husband," Rosemary told her and when Deanna looked at her shocked she continued. "We fought good and made up better."

Deanna sighed. "It's not that simple. Nothing in my life is simple."

"No one's life is simple, dear. If you think someone has a charmed life, it only means that they are hiding their problems better than you are."

"Miss Rosemary?" Deanna asked cautiously. "You have had three husbands?"

"Oh, yes dear."

"Do you regret marrying any of them?"

"Oh, heavens yes."

"Why?"

Rosemary shrugged her shoulders. "My first husband and I were like oil and water. Fought like the dickens, but we loved each other. After he died…I saw pieces of him in others, enough to talk me into marrying a couple of them, but without all the pieces, it just didn't fit. You can't judge a person on their pieces. You can't judge a person on their worst day anymore than you can judge them on their best day and have a whole picture."

Miss Rosemary walked back to the kitchen and came out with a pie in her hands. "This here is a banana cream pie. You might slice it up and get the piece of the perfect crust, or you could get a slice full of bananas, or you might get a slice with nothing special about it at all. Each piece doesn't tell you a lot about the whole pie."

"I'm not sure I understand," Deanna admitted.

"That's because pies are for eating, not metaphor making. Here is what I have learned about loving someone. Everyone has those good days when you think they are the most phenomenal being to walk the planet and you think, how could everyone not love them the way I do. And then they have bad days when they slip up or stick their foot in their mouth or act a fool and you think how could I have wasted my life loving this oaf. But most of the time it is the days in between. So you sort of average them out and decide where they fall."

Deanna was watching her intently.

"Have you heard the expression to not throw the baby out with the bathwater?"

Deanna's face wrinkled with puzzlement.

"The bathwater gets dirty so you throw it out. But you don't want to throw out the baby. The baby is the good part." She watched Deanna's face as she sipped at her tea. Then she patted her hand and went to check on her other diners. A few minutes later she came back and stood in front of Deanna and leaned on the counter. "Are you going to be alright dear?"

Deanna again tried to smile and nodded. "Thank you Miss Rosemary."

"Of course. Here I'm going to box up this pie. Take it home to William." Rosemary put the pie in a box, tied a string around it and put it on the counter next to Deanna.

"Can I ask you another question?" Deanna asked her.

Rosemary nodded.

"Husband number two? What happened to him?"

"I threw him out with the bathwater." She shrugged. "I should have done it sooner. Put all his things on the ferry and told him if I ever saw him again, it would be the last thing he saw."

"Why did you marry him?" Deanna asked trying not to sound harsh.

"Well, he had the fighting part down pretty well. He just didn't do the making up part quite right." Rosemary sighed. "It takes all the pieces to make a whole person. You can't pick and choose."

Deanna stayed in the café talking to Rosemary for several more hours. It was almost midnight when she left the café, pie in hand to walk home.

Will had been pacing the front room. At first he had been hurt, then angry, but as night fell and Deanna didn't come home, he became more and more worried that something had happened to her. When he saw a dark shadow turn onto the path, he threw the door open and the light filled the front walk. She was okay. He ran to her and threw his arms around her picking her up.

"I'm sorry."

"No," Deanna told him. "I'm sorry. I shouldn't have said those things. I,"

But Will interrupted her, brushing hair back from her face. "I was so worried about you. Do you have any idea how late it is or what kind of animals could have been out?"

"I brought pie," she told him holding up the box. Will looked from her to the box, puzzled. "Miss Rosemary sent pie."

"You were with Miss Rosemary?"

Deanna nodded and she and Will began to walk inside. "I'm sorry I scared you. I didn't mean for you to worry. I didn't realize how late it was."

"Deanna," Will tried.

"I'm sorry I said that I regret marrying you. I don't regret it."

"Deanna,"

"I am angry with you for hurting me, but I don't hate you. I'm sorry."

"I understand," Will told her.

"You do?"

"Yes. I have been waiting for you to scream and yell at me ever since I got here. It took longer than I thought, but…I deserved every word of it."

"Were you trying to make me angry?" Deanna asked indignantly.

"No, I wasn't. That was just me being an ass. I'm sorry about today. It was stupid of me to say those things. I don't know why I let him get under my skin like that. I can take on leaders of hostile planets, but I can't have a civilized lunch with some guy from high school." Will was untying the pie box and he put it on the counter in the kitchen between the two of them and pulled out two forks. They each cut in to the pie, no pieces no plates.

"Would you like me to psychoanalyze your relationship with your high school girlfriend's husband?" Deanna asked him.

Will picked up a large piece of pie on his fork and put it in Deanna's mouth. "Let's just eat pie and go to bed," he offered.

They tied to ease through their fight over the next day or two, and it had worked fairly well. It was like taking little steps and even then, two steps forward and one step back.

Deanna had slept with her door open the night before and when she woke up, she found a note pinned to it.

_Get dressed, REALLY casual and bring a coat and scarf. We are leaving at 10!_

_Will_

Deanna listened for sounds in the house but didn't hear anything.

"Will?" she called down the stairs, but there was no response, and when she reached out empathically, she knew he wasn't there. Not knowing what else to do, she did what the note said, took a shower, and got dressed, pulled her hair into a ponytail and grabbed her coat, scarf and hat.

She waited by the door and at ten o'clock sharp, Will came up the walk.

"You ready?" he asked.

"I don't know. What am I supposed to be ready for?"

"You'll see," he said taking her by the hand and leading her down the hill to the center of town.

"Where are we going?" Deanna asked again.

"You'll see."

"I don't even know if I'm dressed appropriately. Will!" she yanked on his arm.

"You're fine. Now, don't be a spoilsport. We're almost there."

Will led her onto the pier and he began fidgeting with the ropes on one of the boats.

"Oh, Will! Is this your boat?" Deanna asked.

Will nodded casually. "It's my dad's. So yeah, I guess it's my boat."

"I notice I don't get half the boat, like I got half the house."

"Okay it's our boat. You can have half, if you want it."

"Okay," Deanna said playfully. "I want the half without the wheel and the swingy thing."

"That swingy thing is what holds the sail. It is a _sail boat_," Will told her.

"Well I want the other half."

"You mean the half where you sit and don't do any of the work?"

"Sure," Deanna replied.

"Oh, I'm sorry. I almost forgot," he said throwing their coats onto the deck. "I married a princess!"

Deanna gave him a shove from behind and Will almost lost his footing as he teetered one foot on the bow of the boat and one foot on the pier. He grabbed the rail to steady himself with one hand and grabbed Deanna around the waist with the other. "If I go in, I am taking you with me and I promise you, Princess, that water is cold!"

Deanna laughed in his arms. "Where are we going?" Deanna asked again.

"Out there," Will pointed out towards the ocean.

"Just us?" she asked.

"Just us," he assured her as he pulled her aboard.

"You just couldn't stop being a captain, could you?"

"You want to be the captain?" he asked her as he started the engine to bring them out into the bay.

"I thought I was being the princess."

Will guided the boat out onto the bay and hoisted the sail. Within minutes they were cruising out towards the mouth of the bay.

"Oh, Will. It's beautiful out here," Deanna cried as the mountain peaks soared above them.

"Come here, Captain," he gestured to her. "I need you to steer for a minute while I trim the sail.

Deanna walked up the wheel and hesitated.

"It's okay," Will told her. "Just hold her steady…just like that. Good." He nodded and walked towards the bow.

"Will," Deanna called into the wind. "There is a sand bar up here somewhere, right?"

"Yep."

"And you are going to come back here and take the wheel before we get there, right?"

Will walked back towards her laughing. "Don't worry. I learned where the sand bar was a long time ago."

"Is that when you hit it and ripped a hole in the hull?" she asked.

Will closed his eyes and sighed, shaking his head. "Miss Rosemary told you that one?" he asked.

"It was one of many."

"Great."

"Oh, I'm sure Sarah was very impressed before you hit the sandbar."

"I wasn't with Sarah."

"No?"

"Our junior year, we broke up. It was all very dramatic." Will shrugged his shoulders.

"So I asked this girl out. She lived up in those hills," he said pointing to the hills on the Valdez side of the bay. "Lilly… something," he continued. "So I decided to take Dad's boat. He was gone and I figured he'd never know. Plus it was showy. So I sailed across the bay and picked her up and about there," he pointed out in front of them a ways, "I beached the boat and ripped a meter long gash in her hull. We started taking on water and I had to call the coast guard in to tow us home. I was just lucky the boat didn't sink with us on it. Needless to say, we didn't go out again. Powers!" Will cried snapping his fingers. "Lilly Powers!" Will remembered. He walked up behind her and put his hands over hers on the wheel and steered the boat with her.

"So now you won't crash us into the sand bar?"

"No," he told her as she turned to face him. "Some mistakes you only make once."

"Are we still talking about sailing?" Deanna asked.

Will leaned forward and kissed her lightly. "No," he told her. "Come on, Captain," he chastised her slapping her on the butt. "You're slacking off." He turned her back around and together they steered out the mouth of the bay onto the open ocean.

They spent the day cruising along the Alaskan coastline. It was magnificent. There were seals on some of the ice blocks that floated along beside them and there were mountain peaks, just starting to show signs of fresh snowfall. Deanna bundled up in her coat and Will wrapped a blanket around her than he had brought. "If it's too cold, we can go back," he offered.

"No! I love it," she told him and he smiled. They ate a picnic lunch that Will had packed as they sat on the deck together. "This is amazing, Will. Thank you."

"Yeah, this has worked much better than the last time I tried to impress a girl on this boat," he told her, putting his arm around her.

Deanna laughed. She was so beautiful when she laughed. "You know, Deanna. We are almost out of time here," Will told her soberly.

Deanna immediately shied away from him. "I know," she said quietly.

"I talked to Captain Picard yesterday. He wanted to know what I thought you were going to do."

"And what did you tell him?" Deanna asked.

"I told him that he would need to talk to you."

Deanna nodded. Whether she was grateful for his allowing her the space to make her own decisions or just to change the subject, she didn't know, but she reached up and put her hands around the back of Will's neck and kissed him passionately. He responded to every move that she made and she pulled her body into his. Cuddled up tightly to his chest, she almost whispered, "I love you Will."

It was the first time that she had said it, since the night that he arrived, and somehow it seemed like she had taken that one back the next morning.

"I love you Deanna. I want you to come home with me. Please?"

Deanna looked up into his blue eyes and hers filled with fear and sadness. "What if it's not enough?" she asked him. "We are in a dream world right now. I mean look at us! Look around us! This isn't our lives. This is a fantasy."

"If you want this to be our lives we can do that," Will offered.

"What? You're going to resign and we are going to live here? Really?" Deanna asked skeptically.

"If it's what you wanted," he told her.

"You have a life, Will. We have a life and it's not here. What if when we go back to reality it doesn't work?"

"It will work, Deanna. It will. It has for so long. We got a little lost and turned around. But it can work. I will make it work."

"You can't make people happy by sheer force of will," she told him.

"Let me try."

Deanna shook her head. "Just one more day. Let me think, okay?"

Will nodded, his head hanging low. "Do you want me to take you home?" he asked.

"No. I want to be right here with you," she told him.

The day faded away as they sailed along together, until the sun was setting against the horizon and Will turned the boat around to head back into the mouth of the bay. It had been an amazing day. Deanna's whole soul was filled as they docked the boat. They grabbed a nice hot bowl of soup and the café before heading up the hill, walking hand in hand.

Night had fallen. They sat on the porch and looked up at the stars. That was their real life. Will held Deanna, cuddled against his chest and tried to feel like this was the beginning instead of the end. He had done everything he knew how to do. Now he could only hope, and trust in the love he knew they shared.

Slowly rain started to fall and the night wind kicked up and reluctantly they walked inside.

Will stopped just inside the door. He couldn't hold her anymore, kiss her anymore and still let her walk away from him. "Good night Deanna," he said kissing her on the temple.

"It was the perfect day," she told him as he walked past her towards his room.

He turned and smiled at her. "I'm glad you liked it," and he walked away and left her standing there alone.

Slowly she climbed the stairs to her room, leaving the door open. She pulled off the clothes that she had been wearing and slipped into a simple silk nightgown and climbed into her bed. But as she lay there, thinking about her day, she was restless. She tossed and turned for what seemed like hours before she dozed off, only to awaken a few hours later. She felt so alone lying there. And suddenly she realized what she wanted. She wanted Will next to her.

Quietly Deanna slipped out of bed and down the stairs. The house was dark, but she navigated through the front room, and the kitchen, until she stood in the partially open doorway to Will's room. He slept laying flat on his back, a comforter pulled up around him. Silently Deanna walked into the room and sat on the edge of the bed, looking at him. She reached out and brushed the front of his hair away from his forehead. Still he slept. Deanna closed her eyes and took a deep breath before slipping into the bed next to him and resting her head on his chest. She felt him jump slightly as he woke up, but he did not speak. He only tucked his arms around her and ran one hand through her hair, before they fell back to sleep together.


	20. Chapter 20

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek TNG or any of its original characters.

Deanna woke to the tinkering of dishes from the kitchen. She slowly opened her eyes to the sunlight that filled the room and she stumbled out of the bed, wrapping the quilt around her as she went.

"She lives," Will said as she emerged from the bedroom door and sat down at the kitchen table.

"Was there a question?" she mumbled, rubbing her eyes.

"It's after nine," Will responded.

Deanna glanced around the room and over to the chronometer on the wall. "I must have been really asleep."

"You were."

"Why didn't you wake me?" she asked him.

Will walked towards her with a plate of breakfast and put it down on the table. "You looked peaceful," he told her simply.

Only then did Deanna noticed the way he was dressed. Black uniform pants, a grey undershirt, and across from her, swung across the back of the chair was his uniform tunic.

She looked back up at him, her eyes wide and her mouth partly open. "You're leaving," she whispered.

Will nodded.

"When?"

"Soon," he told her as she stared at him. "I was just waiting for you to wake up. I talked to John again this morning. There are some things that I have to handle, hopefully it won't take more than today." Will paused and watched her reaction for a while. "I talked to Jean Luc this morning as well. He needs to talk to you."

Deanna stood up and wrapping the quilt tighter around her began to head for the back door, with Will at her heals.

"Can't we talk about this later?" she asked, sitting on the swing.

"There isn't a later, Deanna. This is it. The reception's tonight. The Enterprise leaves in the morning."

"And you're leaving now?" she asked.

Will nodded again. "Maybe it's better this way," he told her. "You can make your decision alone," he paused and his voice became softer. "And I don't have to watch."

Deanna looked back up at him with those large dark eyes, sensing his fear, watching as tears filled his eyes, but did not yet spill down his cheeks.

She closed her eyes tightly against him. She couldn't bare to watch. He crouched on the porch in front of her and took her hands in his own.

"I have got to go back, just for a bit," he told her. There was silence only broken by the occasional call of a bird. Will found himself slipping back into captain mode, the organizer, the planner. It was the only way he would get through what he had to say. "If you're leaving on the Enterprise, you'll need to be aboard tonight with the rest of the crew, as soon as the reception is over. You would need to pack up here today," his voice caught in his throat in spite of his best efforts, and Deanna pinched her eyes closed tighter. "I'll be leaving for the reception early, about 18:00. That would probably be the best time for you to get your things from the Titan. Please don't make me do it. You can take whatever you want."

"Will," Deanna whispered as a tear slipped down her cheek.

Will reached out and wiped her tear away and continued talking. "I think I'll come back here, so just leave the house. I'll take care of it. The Titan doesn't leave for four more days, so I'll have time." Will took a few gulps of air. "If we just do it this way, you would be a little late to the reception, but I don't think it would be a big deal."

"And if I stayed?" Deanna asked, opening her eyes to look at him for the first time since he had begun speaking.

Will sighed deeply, trying not to hope too much. "Then I would be the happiest man on Earth. And I would bring you back here and hold you until you made me stop." Will looked at her face for one long moment. "Either way, I'll see you tonight in San Francisco."

"Will," she called out to him.

"I have to go, Deanna. I can't sit here and watch." He shook his head. "I just can't." He reached out and pulled her to him, his hand at the base of her neck. He kissed her. One soft, sad, longing kiss, and then stood up and walked away, back into the house.

Deanna remained on the swing, tucked up in her quilt, listening to every sound he made. He picked up a dish in the kitchen, then he was at the desk. She heard the sound of the chair scratching on the floor and the rustle of fabric as he pulled on his uniform tunic. She just sat and listened until she heard the front door close behind him. Then she began to cry.

She wept on the swing until there were no tears left in her to cry, and her whole body shivered, from exhaustion or the cold, she didn't know which. Finally she dragged herself back in the house and found her breakfast still sitting on the table. There was a PADD laying next to the plate, with a piece of paper laying over it. Deanna gently picked up the paper and read the words that Will had written across the page.

_No matter what you decide, I will __always__ love you,_

_Will_

Her hand reached for the PADD. There were the divorce papers. She scrolled through each page where Will's signature lay neatly below her own. It was done. All that was left to do was to upload the file to JAG headquarters and board the Enterprise.

Slowly Deanna walked back into the room that was Will's and fell back into the bed, the PADD still in her hand. She pulled the comforter tightly around her and just laid there, breathing deeply. The sheets still smelled like him. If she closed her eyes tight enough, it was like he was still there.

"Deanna," Captain Picard called as Deanna entered the observation lounge on the Enterprise. Most of the senior staff still mulled around the room.

"I'm sorry to interrupt Captain,"

"Nonsense." Jean Luc gestured for her to come into the room. "We were done here."

"Hey Deanna," Geordi said as he passed her heading out the door.

"Hi Geordi."

"Counselor," Worf nodded at her. He put his hand on her shoulder as he passed. It was intended as a comforting gesture, she knew. A sign of support. She tried to smile weakly at him in return.

"You okay?" Beverly asked as she followed Worf out the door.

Deanna nodded. "I'll be fine. Just one more thing to get through," Deanna told her.

Beverly gave her a quick hug and with a small glance back at the captain, she left Jean Luc and Deanna alone in the room.

Jean Luc let he silence drag on as Deanna hesitated near the doorway. Finally he spoke. "We leave in the morning."

"I won't be joining you," she told him simply.

Jean Luc nodded, then smiled. He stood from his seat and began to walk towards her. As he reached her she threw her arms around him and cried.

"Go home, Deanna," he whispered to her. "Go home. It will be alright. You will see. He loves you." He felt her head nod against his shoulder.

"I'm sorry," she whispered.

"I'm not. I am incredibly happy."

"You'll need a counselor," she told him.

"I have someone in mind."

"You had another option? I'm that unreliable?"

"I had that much hope for the two of you," he told her. "Go. Go, be happy." He kissed her on both cheeks. "I will see you tonight?"

Deanna nodded, wiping at her tears, then hugged him tightly again. "I love you, Jean Luc Picard," she told him.

Jean Luc stepped back and smiled, wiping at her still falling tears. "Go," he told her, and she did.

Deanna hurried up the dock on the Valdez bay to where the ferry sat bobbing in the water. "Erik," she called out to him as he stood on the deck.

"We just pulled in. We don't leave for another hour," he told her.

Deanna nodded. "I need to talk to Sarah," she called to him. "I don't know where she lives."

Erik stepped off the boat and walked towards her. He glanced back at he ferry and shrugged. "I can walk you most of the way. It's not far. Come on," he gestured for her to follow.

He walked her to the bottom of the hill, till he could point to the house and then took back off to his deserted work and Deanna made it the rest of the way on her own. She knocked at the door twice before Sarah pulled it open.

"Deanna! Are you alright?" she asked staring at her.

Deanna nodded. "I need some help," Deanna said.

"Anything." Sarah watched her worried.

"I need a dress," Deanna told her. "I need an incredible dress."

Sarah's worried face turned to a smile. "How long do we have?" she asked.

Deanna glanced at the chronometer on the wall of Sarah's home. "Five and a half hours," she told her.

"Well, let's go. We'll have to drop the kids at the ferry. Erik can drop them at my folks. Do you need anything else? Shoes, jewelry, make up?"

"I need it all," Deanna shrugged.

"Perfect!" Sarah grabbed her coat and called for her kids.

Five hours later, Deanna pulled the dress on carefully in the bedroom of her house in Turner. She slipped her feet into her shoes and turned to see herself in the mirror from every angle. Then she pulled some of her hair back and fastened it, simply and slipped on her earrings and necklace. She touched up her make up and again looked at herself in the mirror.

"Okay," she told herself smoothing the skirt over her hips. "It's now or never." She grabbed at the shawl and wrapped it tightly around her. For this one night she was going to freeze for fashion's sake. She grabbed her matching handbag, closed up the house and headed down to the pier.

"There you are," Erik offered his hand to help her onto the boat. "We're late, but Sarah said if I left without you she would kill me in my sleep."

"I'm sorry," Deanna told him. "I think I wore the wrong shoes for leaping," she said kicking up one foot and wiping mud from the heal.

He looked her up and down. "You look amazing," he told her.

Deanna smiled. "Thank you, Erik."

"But you are going to freeze to death. Here," he pulled off his own coat and handed it to her. Deanna raised her eyebrows, but he nodded and pushed it further to her. She smiled and gratefully wrapped it around her. "Where are you meeting Will?" he asked her as the boat pulled away.

"San Francisco," she answered.

Will walked into the reception alone. He had left the Titan before anyone else, but had spent the last several hours wandering the streets of San Francisco. He kept playing the scenes in his mind over and over. If she were staying, how would she greet him, or worse, if she were leaving how would they interact? Could he say good-bye to her again? Or even worse still was that she didn't come at all and the last he would see of her for who knows how long was her huddled and crying on his mother's swing.

When he did enter the reception, music was playing and people were mulling around. John and Jenny Knox walked up to him quickly and greeted him.

"Where have you been?" John asked him. "I thought you were already here?"

"I took a walk," Will said straightening the color of his dress uniform. Will glanced back to the door he had just entered.

"Is she coming?" Jenny asked him cautiously.

"I don't know. Even if she does, I don't know which crew she'll be on."

"Well," Jenny replied. "That will be easy to tell. If she was returned to active duty today by the Enterprise's CMO, she'll be in a dress uniform. If not, she's with us."

Will sighed heavily, leaning against a chair. He hadn't thought of that, but it was true.

"Either way, you'll know the minute you see her," Jenny finished.

John patted him heavily on the shoulder to show his support. "Come on Jen, let's give him some space." John led Jenny away and Will tucked himself away against the back wall, watching the room around him, but his eyes never wandering far from the door.

"Captain," Geordi called approaching Will and shaking his hand.

"Geordi," Will responded. "Good to see you. How's the new warp core?"

"Great. And I talked to Simms. Sounds like you're about ready to head out yourself."

Will nodded. "So, I heard you took a little trip to Alaska," Will told him

Geordi smiled and shrugged. "Did it help?" he asked. Will only shrugged in return.

"It sure is pretty up there," Geordi tried for a more neutral topic.

"Yes it is."

"And I heard a story or two." Will rolled his eyes. "About you sinking a boat?"

"It didn't sink!" Will protested. "How many people did she tell that story to?"

Geordi laughed and patted Will on the shoulder. "Are you okay?" he asked softly. "I saw Deanna on the Enterprise today."

Will put his hand up to stop him. He had said enough. "I can't go there, right now. Geordi, I'm sorry."

"I understand," Geordi told him. "Come on," he tugged at him. "You can't hide here. People are starting to talk." Geordi pulled Will out into the room and he began to mingle, though it was quite against his better judgment.

"Hello there, stranger," Beverly said coming up to him and giving him a hug.

"You're speaking to me?" Will asked puzzled.

"Yes, Will. I'm speaking to you. We are all speaking to you," she gestured to the other members of the Enterprise senior staff that were gathered near by. "Well, except maybe Worf."

"Ah," Will tried to laugh. "Does he still want to kill me?"

"Mmmh," Beverly hesitated. "Yes. But I don't think he'll do it here and make a mess on the Admiral's carpet."

"What a relief," Will answered dryly.

"Captain," Data greeted Will.

"Data," Will shook his friend's hand. "How's my job going?"

"I hear that you are making a fine impression as the Captain of the Titan," Data answered with a puzzled expression.

"I mean how are you doing in my old job," Will clarified.

"Ah, yes. I am doing well, Sir. Thank you."

The four of them stood and talked for a while, but Worf hung back, and the captain hug back even further than that, just to keep an eye on the two men.

Beverly gestured with her eyes to Geordi that they should go, thinking that Will and Worf should talk it out while Worf still felt some social restraint. Geordi nodded. "Come on Data, let's go," Geordi said glancing back and forth between Will and Worf.

"No!" Will tried to make them stop. "Guys!" Still they walked away. "Some friends." He whispered after them.

"Better now than later," Beverly replied. "Take your medicine Will Riker. It's good for you."

Will shook his head, then took a deep breath and stepped towards Worf.

"Captain," Worf greeted him.

"Commander," Will replied.

The two stood eyeing each other for a moment.

"Okay, come on. Let's have it." Will finally surrendered.

"I have nothing to say." Worf snarled.

"You would rather kill me than talk to me?" Will asked.

"There is nothing for me to say. Deanna will make her choice. She will choose you. She always does." Worf stepped past him as if to walk away.

"What is that supposed to mean?" Will asked following after him.

"It means that it doesn't seem to matter what you do or how you treat her, she chooses you."

"And you think she should have chosen you?" Will asked.

"I wouldn't dishonor her the way you did." Worf sneered at him, barely containing the volume of his voice.

Will knew he was telling the truth. Worf would never have done what he did. He just stood there, staring at this man who had been his friend. Now he wasn't so sure.

"You will not change your behavior, because you see no need to. She will come back to you. She did before. She will do it again," Worf continued.

"That's not true, Worf. I don't want to hurt her. I know I have, but I certainly don't try or just don't care." The two men stared each other down for a long moment. "I can change my behavior. I will, I have."

Worf continued to snarl at him.

"I'm not just a jerk on purpose," Will finally shrugged.

"I do not believe that you are a dishonorable man," Worf softened slightly. "But this,"

"I know."

"She would be right to leave you," Worf finally told him.

"Thanks."

"I would tell her that if she asked."

"But she wouldn't ask you," Will finished.

"No. No more than she would have asked you about us back then."

"She wanted us to be able to be friends. That why she separated us like that," Will told him.

Worf nodded in agreement.

"So now what?" Will said trying to take a more casual posture.

"You have changed your behavior?" Worf asked. Will nodded. "If you ever hurt her again, I will fight you and I will win," Worf growled at him and then nodded and walked away.

"Well then, that could have been worse," Jean Luc Picard said as he stepped up behind Will and handed him a drink.

Will nodded. Will looked at his old captain, knowing that he knew more about Will's future than Will did. "Is she coming?" he finally asked.

"I don't know," Jean Luc answered him honestly. "I spoke to her this morning."

Will held up his hand for the captain to stop. "I just want to see if she comes," Will told him.

"I had no intention of telling you more than that. I am not a messenger service. And it's about time you two began communicating directly again," Jean Luc mildly chastised him. "Ask her yourself," he concluded.

"I will. As soon as I see her," Will told him.

"Well then here's your chance," Jean Luc pointed to the door.

Will turned so he could see what the captain was looking at. There in the doorway stood Deanna. Her hair hung down dancing at the top of her shoulders. She wore a red dress, with many folds of fabric wound together to form straps that pulled over her shoulders and tight roushing around her bodice. It hung down to just above her knee and she wore black high-healed shoes and a black shawl hung loosely over her shoulders. Around her neck she wore a simple chain with a three-diamond pendant in the center and matching earrings in each ear. The whole room stopped when they saw her and every eye seemed to focus on the pair of them.

Deanna looked around suddenly nervous until she spotted Will off to her right, staring at her. She bit her lip slightly as she smiled at him and waved.

_A dress, _he thought as he watched her wave to him. _She's in a dress._ He was crossing the room to her before he could think about what to say or do once he got there. She took the two small steps into the room and met him half way.

"Hi," she said shyly.

"Hi," he repeated. "You look…" Will just shook his head. He was at a complete loss of words, but his emotions spoke volumes.

"I hope there aren't any other empaths in the room," Deanna told him, blushing slightly.

"Sorry," Will told her brushing his hand against her shoulder and neck. He kissed her lightly and it was like the room let out a collective held breath. "So you are here, not in uniform," Will hesitated.

"Well," Deanna began, taking him by the hand. "The Titan doesn't leave for four more days. What's the rush with getting back to work?" she asked. "I was hoping I could spend the last few, hiding away with my husband."

"Your husband," Will repeated the words to let them sink in.

Deanna put the handbag she carried on the nearest table and opened it. Crammed inside was a PADD and Deanna pulled it out and handed it to Will. "I was hoping we could just delete the file, and leap," she spoke to him softly.

"Then why didn't you?" he asked her.

"You signed them," she told him.

Will ran his hand gently over her cheek and through the ends of her hair. "Let's just make them go away," he told her.

"Be my guest." She held the PADD out to him and he punched a few keys and handed it back to her. The file was gone. Deanna's adrenalin started to pump again and she closed her eyes and took another deep breath.

"Come home with me?" he asked her. Deanna nodded and kissed him again.

Half the room at least was watching every move the couple made, though most of them had the good sense not to show it. They were being openly affectionate, holding each other close, kissing often and touching each other reassuringly as they made their way through the room. They danced together, and finally Jenny and John had a good excuse to stare.

"She looks happy," John told his wife. "Happier than I've seen her in a long time."

"They look happy," Jenny corrected as she watched the two of them in each other's arms.

Deanna threw her head back laughing at something Will had said as they danced and then she kissed him on the cheek.

John leaned over and kissed Jenny. "I love you," he told her.

"I love you too."

"Dance with me?" he asked.

John and Jenny joined Will and Deanna and others on the dance floor and when the song was over, Jenny reached out to her friend and gave her a hug.

"I missed you!" she told her.

"I missed you too," Deanna replied.

"Tell me you're coming home."

"Not quite," Deanna told her. "We have a few more days of leave, and we are going to take them. And when we get back," Deanna continued. "I need you to examine me and please move me back to full duty? I want to do my job again. I want my life back."

"You got it," Jenny told her.

"Deanna," John leaned in and kissed Deanna on the cheek. "You look very nice. Even better with him on your arm," he gestured to Will.

"I'm good arm candy," Will shot a look to Jenny and she wrinkled her face in an overdone smile.

Will kept his arm tightly around his wife, as if her were afraid that if he let her go she would run away again, or still change her mind. They greeted everyone they knew and some they didn't including the admiral and his staff. They danced and talked and laughed together with their friends, until it was getting late.

"Can we step out?" Deanna asked Will, tugging him towards a terrace, where it was quiet and the moonlight filled the air.

"Sure," Will followed her.

As they stepped out the door into the quiet night air, Will paused. "You haven't changed your mind, have you?" he asked only half joking.

Deanna saw through his attempt at humor. "Sit down, Will. I have to say everything I have to say before tonight is over and I close this chapter of my life."

"Okay Cinderella, do you turn into a pumpkin at midnight?"

"Will,"

"Okay," he said sitting on the edge of a flowerbed next to her. "I'm listening."

"I love you," she told him.

"I love you too," he replied, but she pressed her finger to his lips.

"My turn," she told him.

He nodded obediently.

"Never again," she told him simply, though he nodded that he understood. "This road is too dark for me. The next time I walk away, don't come after me. I'm gone. You're on probation. I am the most important thing in your world and you are in mine. You are my best friend and we tell each other everything even if it hurts, because we love each other and we would rather hear it from us than from anyone else." Will nodded obediently after each of her remarks. "These are my rules," she told him. He opened his mouth to speak, but then waited. "Your turn," she told him.

"Done," he said. "What now?"

"You kiss me," she smiled at him.

"Done," he said again sweeping her up and kissing her passionately. He pulled her onto his lap and they kissed as he ran his hands through her hair.

Jean Luc Picard watched for a moment through the window, and then turned away.

Beverly was there behind him. "Well, Jean Luc," she told him. "It looks like you are short one ships counselor."

"I know," he replied taking her hand and leading her towards the dance floor. "She told me this morning. We will pick up Lieutenant Margaret Hicks at Star Base 14 in ten days. Do you think the crew can make it that long with out someone to talk to about their problems?" he asked, pulling her into his arms and beginning to dance.

"Oh, I don't know," she told him. "I find that I talk out most of my problems with you."

"Except when I am the problem," he told her coyly.

"Well that's what I use subspace communications with the Titan for."

"I can not believe that you tell Deanna everything," he shook his head at her and she began to laugh.

"Oh, Jean Luc. You're blushing."

"Take me home, Will." Deanna whispered to Will out on the terrace.

"Which home?" he asked.

"I don't care."

"Let's say good night then," he said pushing Deanna to stand from his lap. "You're sure?" he asked. She nodded. "Not sure now, but tomorrow you're crying on the swing…Sure?"

"Imzadi, I want you to take me home," she whispered in his ear and he kissed his cheek.

Will dragged his hand from the back of her neck down to the small of her back and led her back into the room.

They both made their way to John and Jenny and said good night, then to Jean Luc and Beverly. Deanna hugged them each and Will shook the captain's hand and gave Beverly a kiss on the cheek.

"Thank you, for everything," Deanna told them. "We'll see you soon."

"Is something going on with the two of them?" Will asked as they walked over to the other officers.

"Later," Deanna whispered before greeting Geordi and Data. They wished them farewell and Geordi told Will that if he had any problems with his new chief engineer, to just let him know.

"I'm sure I won't," Will assured him.

"Good bye Data," Will said to him. "Take care of our ship."

Data nodded. "Yes Sir."

Deanna made her way over to Worf where he stood a little ways off. "I know you don't understand," Deanna began.

"Yes I do," he told her. "You love him. You have always loved him."

Deanna hugged Worf tightly with tears in her eyes.

"He will make you happy," Worf told her and she chuckled as he held her. "He will, or he will answer to me."

"That's very gallant of you, Worf." She squeezed his hand and then brushed her fingers along his cheek, before she kissed it gently. "Thank you."

"Good bye Counselor," he told her.

"Be safe. Always." As Deanna stepped away Will came up behind her and slipped his hand into hers and she held it tightly.

"Captain," Worf said extending his hand to Will.

"Good bye Worf. Take care of them," Will said glancing back at the rest of the Enterprise crew.

"Take care of her," Worf replied.

"I intend to."

"You aren't heading off, are you?" Admiral Brand came to greet them.

"Yes, Admiral. It's getting late and we are heading back to the house in Alaska tonight."

"Well I wish you both well. It is good to see you together," he said.

Will and Deanna looked at each other and smiled. "Good night Admiral," Deanna said shaking his hand. "Thank you for everything."

"Good night, my dear, until we meet again."

Will shook the admiral's hand and he and Deanna escaped out the door. Will led her to the base of the outside steps. "Which way?" he asked pointing both left and right. To the left was the transport station to the orbiting star ships, to the right was the land transport that would take them back to Alaska.

"Can't we live in the fantasy world for a few more days before it goes away?" she asked him.

"It's our house, Deanna. We can come back whenever we want."

Deanna smiled as he led her off to the right. "Just not in winter," she told him.

"No, not in winter." Will pulled her towards him and kissed her once more. "I love you, Deanna. I don't want you to ever doubt that again." Will slipped his arm around her shoulders.

"Take me home, Imzadi. I want to go home," Deanna told him as they walked off into the night.


	21. Chapter 21

Disclaimer: I do not own Star Trek TNG or any of its original characters.

Epilogue

Will heard Deanna's pattering feet making their way across the kitchen heading to the back door. It was the middle of summer, but at this early hour he was sure they would still be cold. He grabbed the quilt that lay across the trunk at the foot of the bed and walked out onto the back porch.

Deanna sat rocking peacefully in the swing, pulling the blanket tighter against the baby's body as he nursed at her breast.

"Here," Will said wrapping the quilt around the two of them. "Good morning."

"Good morning, nothing. He's been up since four."

Will kissed his wife softly and then pulled the blanket back to look at his son's face. He rubbed his finger down the side of his small cheek as he continued to feed. "Hey little man, how about we take it easy on Mommy. She's on vacation too."

"I think the sun is really throwing him off his pattern. He's not used to being planet side."

Will sat on the swing with her and pulled her into his arms. "What do you mean? He was born planet side," Will told her.

"Well, in the last two months, I think he got used to the stars," Deanna told him.

"No Bob?" Will asked looking around at the trees.

"No Bob," Deanna replied. "He hasn't been here for two mornings in a row now. I'm a little worried about him."

"He is a wild animal, you realize," Will reminded her.

"I know."

"Would you like me to call Sarah and see if Bob has been around or what she knows?"

"I would love that," Deanna said and then she yawned.

"Tell you what," Will said kissing her head. "When he is done eating, I will burp him and change him and you can go back to bed for a bit."

"Oh, honey. That's sweet, but I have someplace I want to go this morning," Deanna told him.

"Where are we going?" he asked.

"Not we, me. I want to go."

Will looked at her with a little frown. "Did I do something?" he asked.

"No, I just want to do this by myself."

"Do I get to know what it is?" he asked her.

"No."

The baby pulled away from Deanna's breast and she pulled her shirt down and the blanket up quickly to keep the cold away from her skin. Will reached for his three-month-old son and propped him on his shoulder, patting him on the back.

"Come on. I know you've got it in you," Will talked to the baby.

"I'm going to get dressed," Deanna told him, standing and walking back into the house.

Will followed her. "You know I like this every other year thing that we have going," he told her.

"You do?" she asked.

"Yeah," he replied still burping the baby. "One year Betazed the next year here. It works."

"Except this year we went to Betazed to have a baby and then came here to decompress from being on Betazed having a baby," Deanna told him. "We've killed the pattern."

"And with all that time away, the ship is fine," he told her. "It's the privilege of being a fantastic captain. Your ship runs so smoothly that they don't even notice when you're gone."

"That and having a fantastic first officer," Deanna added.

"I do have a fantastic first officer," Will agreed. "I chose well."

"You didn't choose at all. He was assigned to you."

"Okay, so I got lucky. Besides, it's only fair. In another six months when Jenny has the baby, they'll take some family time and we'll make up for all the time we've been away."

"It's a boy," she sang from the bedroom.

"I know. We got you a built in buddy, little man. And you two will run around and you are going to drive Sammy crazy!"

"Are you kidding? Who do you think is going to be showing them all the trouble? She is just as bad."

"I thought John and I got to show them how to get into trouble." Will heard Deanna moan from the bedroom and he laughed to himself.

"Well, if we are coming back in two years, you are going to have to get over not wanting to be in your fathers old room. I am not putting Daniel up there and us down here, or the other way around and I am not having our two year old in our room."

Will looked up at the ceiling thinking. "I'll tackle that phobia in two years," he told her as she came back out of the room dressed, and pulling on her boots.

"Come on," he pried. "Where are you going?"

"Will."

"Okay, how long will it take you?" Will tried again. "Should we wait to eat?"

"How about you give me half an hour and meet me at Miss Rosemary's for breakfast."

"That's a plan," he told her.

Deanna grabbed her coat and leaned in and kissed Will and then the top of the baby's head. "I love you," she told them both. "Be good for your daddy," and she was out the door.

Deanna walked up the hill that she had found so soothing when she spent those weeks in Turner almost two years before. She picked some of the wild flowers along the path and then turned and headed into the cemetery. She made her way past the tall oak tree and found the graves of Will's parents. Slowly she knelt and cleared away some cut grass and placed her flowers, first for Will's father and then his mother.

"I rocked your grandson on your swing this morning," she spoke out loud to the empty air. "Just like you rocked Will. We named him Daniel James, and he's perfect. I just wanted you to know. I didn't give up. And we're happy. We're really truly happy. I'll bring him up here when he's older and I'll tell him about you. He has blue eyes like yours and Wills. It's funny how when we were ready he just appeared in our lives without any complications or intervention. Just like we always wanted it." Deanna looked around over the bay. The whales were out in the water and the eagles swooped overhead.

"They're waiting for me, at Miss Rosemary's to have breakfast. I just wanted to come tell you that we are happy. And that I will take good care of them, your son and mine." Deanna wiped at her eyes and stood back up, brushing off her knees. She took a few deep breaths and looked down again at the headstones of her family, before heading back in to town.

"Alright," Will said packing the baby's bag. "Diapers, wipes, pacifier, spitty cloth, spare outfit and blanket incase you poop all over what you are wearing," Will said looking down as the baby rolled side to side on a blanket at his feet. "Come on, Man. You and I both know you have a little problem with that." He looked back at the bag and then he leaned down and scooped up his son. "You and me, kid, we got to have a talk about packing lighter. This is just not fitting a Star Fleet officer to have to haul around a bag bigger than you just to go have breakfast." Will tucked the baby's blanket in around him and put the bag on his shoulder and headed out the door.

"Come on, little man. Let's go meet your mommy. This will be the first time you get to taste Miss Rosemary's cooking." He told him as they walked. "She cooks almost as good as mommy does. Mommy will tell you all about how Miss Rosemary helped her learn to cook. Of course you'll be getting this food second hand, so I don't know if it makes breast milk taste any better. I'll ask you after your next feeding and you can tell me all about it." Will walked into town and as he approached the café, he spotted Deanna walking down the hill.

She was simply the most beautiful thing he had ever seen in his life. His mind flashed back for a moment to when he almost lost her, but he shook his head. This was them, they were here. Will, his wife and his son, and they were happy. Deanna waved as she got closer and Will waved back and then unwrapped Daniel's little arm and waved it for him. "Say, Hi Beautiful Mommy," he said as Deanna kissed him and they walked into the café together.

The End

_For all of you wonderful people who managed to read over 100,000 words, not to mention countless typos and still give me great feedback. Thank you all from the bottom of my heart!_


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